Breaking up over housework?

LegacyUser

I hate to seem like I am making a big deal out of nothing but I am literally on the eve of breaking up with my partner and would like some advice.

We've been together for 2 years, he's 29 and I'm 27, and lived together for about a year. We get along fine and have simiar interests and goals for the future. The problem is that I feel more like his nagging mother than his girlfriend when it comes to the housework. Has anyone else had this problem? I will be the first to admit that I do like a tidy house, but I'm definitely not close to being Monica from Friends.

The problem is that he is not nearly as tidy as me and it drives me crazy. He comes from a family of all boys and their poor mother did everything for them, so he was never forced to do chores or help clean up which has continued into his adult life. Before we lived together, I absolutely hated going over to his place because it was disgusting (think dirty knives and forkes with food stuck on them being put back into the drawer, that kind of thing) and when we first moved in together, I just did all the cleaning myself. Now that I need him to help out more because I simply can't do it all on my own, he accuses me of being a neat-freak and a nag and we end up having a big row. I think this is completely unfair, he doesn't have to live in my mess so why should I put up with his training gear in the hallway, his clothes on the radiator for a week at a time, his week-old newspapers scattered everywhere, his dirty dishes in the sink for days, the mess he leaves behind in the bathroom if you get my drift. At the end of the day, he is just plain lazy and I have tried to be diplomatic and ask nicely to pick up after himself and I was hoping he would just cop on and follow my example but it still continues to be an issue. I know it seems like a silly reason to break up with someone but I really can't take it anymore and it really stresses me out that I can't feel relaxed in my constantly messy home. I could learn to loosen up and not be so uptight about somethings but his disgusting habits are more reflective of a 5 year olds behaviour than someone his age, that's the most frustrating part.

Has anyone else been in this situation and did they manage get past it? Or should I just get out of the relationship now as you can't teach an old dog new tricks and this dog should be left to be housebroken by some other girl?

Pocket Pillager

The only reason he does this is because he knows that you will do it for him. Like everyone has ever done. You should start cleaning ONLY your own dishes, etc. and leave his there. Maybe he will learn that you will not be his skivvy.

If you have tried this in the past, and it still has not worked, and he expects you to clean up after him while he makes a mess of your living space, then he is inherently a selfish person, not just merely messy, and you should get rid. He should not expect you to be happy to live in his filth, just because he is.

My bf and I are in no way the most house-proud, but we're lucky in that I prefer to do tidying, washing up, shopping, etc. myself while he likes sorting out laundry, folding, cooking, etc. We essentially do the chores we prefer to do (which, luckily, are different anyway) so everything does get done in the end. I don't know if that's something the two of you could do; that each of you has your own "jobs", as it were, so there's no arguments over who did what the last time. You each do your own jobs all the time.

bronte

He's 29 and won't clean up after himself?
That's a joke and a serious turn off.
Tell him to cop on or you're off.
Maybe it'll scare him a bit.
No way in hell I could live with that.

kenbrady

I know lads like that and they just won't change. You can let the place turn into a tip and they just don't care. It's part of their personality, mammy did it for them now girlfriend. They just aren't interested in cleaning or care about having a clean space. I've been in the house and it's a mess, they tell me girlfriend is on strike and they're not doing it and couldn't care if it's messy.

You can try talking to him and telling him you can't live in the mess and he has to do his share for your sake.
Or you can split the household chores, he does, DIY, shopping and cooking, you do cleaning. He'll get hungry and has to eat, so if you stop cooking/buying food he will have to start or else starve.
Or keep saying you're too tired for sex because you have to keep cleaning up after him, then reward him with the good lovin if he does clean up.

iguana

Split the chores in 2 and suggest that he can either do his chores or hire a cleaner to do his share out of his money.

thefeatheredcat

It doesn't sound like has much respect for the place or taking much responsibility. Do you want to live like that long term or married or with kids? Do you want to end up cleaning after him?

You've been very patient but you shouldn't have to feel like you're nagging him. Address the situation now before it causes conflict in your relationship - sit him down about it, talk to him and discuss dealing with the responsibility together. Don't let it turn into an argument.

He may not even think twice about it - he may think that you're particular about cleaning or that it's your thing, doesn't want to interfere, de-stresses you, etc.

username123

My husband has, how shall I put it politely, slightly lower standards of cleanliness compared to me.

When we first moved in together I would end up re-doing things he had done because it was done so badly. I too, felt like a nagging girlfriend.

After a few months I had an enormous row with him about it.
I pointed out that we have an equal share in the relationship and the home we lived in. We both worked full time so it was unfair that either I was expected to do the lions share of the housework OR that he just did a half assed job of it.
I said I expect to live in a clean environment and share the work equally.
I told him that this was very important to me and in the longer term would be a deal breaker if he didnt pull it together.
He claimed not to understand what was wrong with his cleaning methods so I went around and showed him.
He said I was too Monica like so I agreed that if he pulled up his socks I would chill out a bit.

The compromise worked. Sometimes I let it slide if the hoovering needs to be done, sometimes he goes out of his way to do jobs he would have totally ignored in the past, and overall the environment is up to 90% of my standards 90% of the time.

Compromise is important.

He also found that he way better likes the cleaner environment so its worth the effort and we now both often chip in and help with each others jobs (we assigned out the jobs between us so each is responsible for certain things)

LegacyUser

Hi OP
If you can crash with your family or a friend for a while, just do so, without giving him notice. Let him sit in his crap, with no food, and leave him sit and think about whats more important - doing his fair share and making his girlfriend happy - or letting his crap build up around him and having only that for company. You need to play hardball here - if he doesnt learn that the issue is enough to drive you away from him, he'll never get it. And like the others said, if he doesnt learn to change now, can you imagine in a few years time with kids in the mix?!! He is behaving like a child, and theres nothing attractive about feeling like you are someones mother, doing everything for him..its a one-way ticket to a dying sexlife - that might kill him...
Best of luck!

AMK

This is not a silly reason to break up with someone. Think about the long-term. If you stay with him, you could be together for 50 years or more. Can you see yourself sticking this for 50 years? And what about children?

I think that's the real issue for any woman where the guy doesn't pull his weight in the home. He obviously has certain roles embedded in his mind and you can bet your life that if he won't clean up after himself now, he won't pull his weight if a baby comes along.

You will most likely end up feeling pretty used and taken for granted if you let this go on. Also, your interest in him sexually will be eroded because you will find him more and more disgusting as time goes on.

You are not his mother. Pulling his weight and behaving responsibly in the home should be inbuilt at his age. You shouldn't have to train him into it, as if he's a child, and even if you try at his age the chances of succeeding are pretty low.

Monkey61

People tend to have very different standards of what is clean and what is not.

I used to fight with my ex-girlfriend constantly over this. I wasn't filthy or anything, but after spending my entire childhood running around with a hoover, constantly cleaning the house and being terrified of something being out of place and my mother going mad at me - living outside of home I was happy to just relax a bit. It didn't bother me if a plate sat on the counter for a day or two, it didn't matter if the bathroom floor hadn't been washed in ages. In fact I probably got more enjoyment out of not being obsessive about it then I would have out of having a sparkling house.

But, the thing is, this was a huge issue for her and I never realised it actually upset her that much, because to me, ah sure it was only a few dishes, not a life or death situation.

What I suggest you do though is have two hours at the weekend, in which you put some loud music on and have a big clean together. After which you go out for dinner, or for a pint, or anything fun that you both enjoy. Set a time for it every week that is absolutely non-negotiable, you just get stuck in and then it is done. You could also do this for 20 minutes every evening as well and the house would be perfect in no time. Also be willing to compromise, find out which jobs you hate and which stuff he particularly hates. The see if you can do stuff that he really doesn't like to do and he does the same for you. For instance I hate cleaning bathrooms, but I love hoovering and don't mind dishes, kitchens, clothes washing and general tidying. He will appreciate the compromise and it will encourage him to take it seriously.

shabaz

Monkey 61, I agree with what you have said there, except the last bit, I HATE CLEANING THE BATHROOM!!! im mean come on what is with ppl, who the F does like cleaning the bathroom...not me but it has to be done also, I too had these cleaning issues with a previous boyfriend and too he would get mad or upset when id go off on one about the cleaning and ya know what this was one of the reasons why we broke up among other issues that i wasnt going to put up with....and it is something that is a splitting up matter because ok you could relax abit, but if your partner cares about you they should help out end of! if he dosent get rid, plenty more useful men out there that can help you and respect you better.

Ive just also had the same arguement with my housemates only last night, one guy one guy, now neither where cleaning up, the guy said when confronted about his cleaning of the house said he did do it....to which i knew for a fact he didnt it was still filty, and unfortunately this is men for you, so you know what im going to do, if this ass dosent clean it properly next time hel also be out on his ear like the ex......

We are better on our own than with wasters that have no respect for us and our happiness!! ha

I sound like a sad ole cow !!! but its my way or the highway!! Plenty of dickheads out there dont need to be cleaning for another one!

LegacyUser

yes you could learn to loosen up. but why must you lower your standards if he is not prepared to higher his somewhat so that you can at least try and meet somewhere in the middle?

i was in the exact same situation and it was a factor in our breakup to be honest. i tried different ways to approach the situation: a rota which didn't work coz he'd forget. then he said that i should tell him when i want things done - but he just ignored me or said he was busy. then i just accepted that i had to do everything if i wanted any sort of normal hygiene standards in our house - which meant that i just became resentful of him.... and now we've broken up.

its not really about the housework, its about the lack of effort on his part to take your wants/needs into consideration. when i eventually came to that conclusion after 2.5 years, it spelled the end for us and we broke up a couple of weeks ago.

in your case, breaking up could eventually get the message through that this really affects you and he might attempt to change his ways a bit...?

rathbaner

I could be that bloke. My wife is out working now and i need to clean the kitchen but here I am wasting time.

I hate housework. We row about it a lot. I try though it's never enough, but I have at last come understand that it's not acceptable to leave to to someone else, that it's demeaning and disrepectful.

If you want to change him, don't nag him, fight him.

the next time the place is a mess, phone up his mother and ask her to come over and clean up after him and make sure he hears you. Then shout your head off about why his attitude to house work is pissing you off. It really does have to be that clear. Otherwise he will carry on thinking that house work is unimportant and beneath him (ie women's work) and will leave it to you. He will never change unless you change him. Change is painful.

My wife and me have all sorts of deals worked out to help me get my share done, we even have bonus arrangements - eg if I clean the bathroom I get to spend next Saturday afternoon down the pub hassle free watching Munster on Sky which she takes the kids off. It's pathetic I know but it's a compromise to deal with my internalised resistance to house work.

Wagon

Just draw a compromise with the chap. Ask him to stop dumping his training gear in the hall and wash his own dishes. He has to at least try.

Then again, what's your idea of clean? Because when i cleaned my gaff and my girlfriend came over, she'd get a brush and give out to be for it being so messy and then she'd clean it. It pissed me off no end.