travelling with male friends

LegacyUser

hi all,

opinions v.welcome. Broke up with ex boyf over a year ago, back in touch recently over distance and have been discussing getting back together. We broke up because we had problems that I thought were based on his possessiveness and he thought were based on my lack of commitment. We decided that we were both willing to work on those things, and get back together; but recently he's been getting really upset with me about my travelling with male friends.

I'm abroad and cant be stuck alone during all my free time so I often go away for weekends or hang out with male friends (and females too!..but they dont bother him) and he absolutely hates that. He now wants to forget it all just because i went away last weekend....i dont know what to do anymore, i really want it to work out and was so willing to try harder and harder, but I dont think he's being reasonable...he says i'm not respecting him or caring about his feelings when I travel with other guys.

dirtydress

It really sounds like the problems that you two had a year ago havent been worked out. You really cant get back into a relationship again with the same issues going on and it sounds like he hasnt grown up or learned from his past possessive mistakes. I hate to say it but maybe its not a good idea to get back into this just now?

minidazzler

Don't get back with him, you were right your break up was based on his possessiveness.

Time has painted everything rosy for you. If he is uncomfortable with you travelling with male friends tough on him!!

You are entitled to be friends with whoever you want.

Him calling you out on your apparent "lack of Commitment" is basically saying, "I am the only MAN in your life, otherwise you are'nt commited."

BAD Idea to get back with him. Get someone who is more secure and who deserves you.

Pocket Pillager

He doesn't trust you. His possessiveness has not been worked on, much as he says it has. Therefore, nothing has changed in your relationship. Move on, enjoy your travels and leave him where he is. He cannot control what you do when you're away, nor should he. He either trusts that you will not go behind his back, or he doesn't. That's his issue though, not yours. You've done everything you can.

CDfm

Its his problem not yours. He may have his reasons behind his trust issues.

Is he willing to discuss the trust issue?

tbh

Now it's he doesn't like you travelling with male friends. How about if he didn't like you hanging out with male friends? or getting a lift to work with a male friend?

He's trying to control you, really. IF you back down on this, you'll have to back down again, or risk a row. My advice: You tell him this is his problem, and he needs to deal with it. If not, you're off.

Terodil

Sorry to be a partypooper here but: How exactly do you intend to travel with them? What else is going on?

E.g. are we talking about travelling with 1/2 male friends and sleeping in a tent together?

Or are we talking about a larger group of people, with several guys and gals together, sleeping in separate rooms?

Call me old-fashioned but I'd have trouble with the first but much less with the second. Details please?

cafecolour

So this is long distance and you are not officially back together yet (just considering it) - and he's getting jealous and possessive about you hanging out with other guys?

Leave it. Don't get back together with him. In fact, I'd say cut all contact with him so you aren't even tempted by him and move on.

If he's this bad now, he's going to be a nightmare after a few years of dating - he'll be questioning every phone number in your phone.

mikewest

Are there trust issues here, is that what he meant during your breakup before rather than commitment problems?. From what you have said I would have to ask the same questions as Terodil. If you are trying to get back together and you take off for a weekend with a couple of male friends does he have a right to be pissed off? IMHO yes absolutely. If however you headed off with a mixed group including female friends then he is being possesive and you need to call a halt. Does he know which type of group you went off with, or did you just tell him you were going with male friends? Do you intentionally make him jealous as I have seen some women do to their boyfriends? Maybe you do it unconsciously by only talking about the male friends that are in your group and he just doesn't want to take it again. Remember he is not there to see what you are doing and has only your conversations to judge what you are doing.

opinion guy

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous mikewest. and i also think terodil your view is a little old fashioned.

they are not dating currently. OP is a grown up and can spend her time with however she likes. If she wants to go on a weekend trip with 1/2 guys she trusts as friends i see no reason why she cant.

To be perfectly frank i think if i were her ex-BF I'd actually be somewhat relieved that there was some male company amongst her travel mates for safety reasons.

ALSO - OP its not like you are keeping these travel companions secret. You are openly telling him about these people. If he wants to forget it all i'd say let him - call his bluff. That does seem like a powerplay, and if he REALLY loves you he needs to grow up beyond those tactics and beyond these petty concerns. Maybe he needs some more time to think about that

Terodil

opinion guy wrote: »

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous mikewest. and i also think terodil your view is a little old fashioned.

Maybe, *shrug*. Natural variance of opinions though, I'd say, and not necessarily wrong. I think people are entitled to a bit of worry if they hear that their OH is alone in one room/one tent with 1/2 members of the opposite sex. Not necessarily because they don't trust their OHs, but because you just don't invite accidents.

opinion guy wrote: »

they are not dating currently.

eh?

njnj wrote: »

We decided that we were both willing to work on those things, and get back together

They are.

Monkey61

Terodil wrote: »

I think people are entitled to a bit of worry if they hear that their OH is alone in one room/one tent with 1/2 members of the opposite sex. Not necessarily because they don't trust their OHs, but because you just don't invite accidents.

Oooo come on now. I find that comment terribly offensive to men in general. Hardly fair to imply that men in general are incapable of, what, stopping from forcing themselves on any female they are alone in a room with?

OP he is being ridiculous, controlling and game playing. Tell him so and that it is his choice then whether he walks or not, but you refuse to be drawn into games of that nature.

Terodil

Monkey61 wrote: »

Oooo come on now. I find that comment terribly offensive to men in general. Hardly fair to imply that men in general are incapable of, what, stopping from forcing themselves on any female they are alone in a room with?

:eek:

wut?

Hold on a sec, I'm a man myself, and I usually bring that sentence! not fair! *gets lawyer to file copyright claim*

No in seriousness, it's not about him forcing himself on her, her forcing herself on him or neither of them not being strong enough to resist the evil temptation by the other.

There is a huge number of things that could go wrong. Just to name one example, we have significant amounts of 's/he touched me while asleep' threads on here. Or another one: Imagine the two next to each other in the tent and him getting the morning wood -- and she sees/feels it. Yeah yeah it's all natural I know but I just don't think that people should invite such experiences.

OS119

Terodil wrote: »

Or another one: Imagine the two next to each other in the tent and him getting the morning wood -- and she sees/feels it. Yeah yeah it's all natural I know but I just don't think that people should invite such experiences.

my female friends laugh - 'OS119's got a stiffy!' is a sadly regular form of mocking from the ladies in the climbing club. my wife thinks its funny - she says they are way out of my league...

most men have discovered - to their disappointment - that women can just about hold back the 'lust-crazed c0ck whore' that we all hope is lurking within them when 'faced' with the irrisistable edifice that is morning man.

OP, your ex/whatever is being a petulant knob, he obviously hasn't 'worked out' his possessiveness - and he clearly doesn't understand the difference between 'we're thinking of getting back together but we live in different countries and you have possessiveness issues which helped break the last relationship' and 'we live together, you sod off for the weekend and get roared up by the rugby team'.

don't bother, not worth the hassle.

LegacyUser

OP back again, well thanks a million for all responses; to clarify a few things: firstly, I did treat the situation as if we were back together, even if it is by distance and we hadnt seen eachother in over a year. This means that I have not been seeing anybody else, or flirting, or doing anything that I wouldnt do if my boyfriend was right next to me.

Secondly, the travelling happens in groups of mixed people, boys and girls. We work hard here and like to get away with other young internationals at the weekends - mostly there is no need to be in a bed or even a room with another guy, and i would try to avoid that scenario (as would they!).

Thirdly, somebody did hit on a tender point - that I was being open and telling him about my travels. Thats true - I always told him, but usually put it off until last minute or even after the event. This is because his reaction and ensuing argument puts me in a terror of a mood and i dont like it. Lame excuse I know and I dont like my behaviour in this regard.

We had one big bust up by skype last night. And at the moment we are not back together, but broken up officially. He told me that he's going to go for a weekend with some girl he met in thailand last year...prob just to rub it in.

It looks like i'm done with him so....or he's done with me. I am sad about it but just very tired from the effort of trying to resuscitate what we once had.

thanks for your help everyone.

minidazzler

corral jell wrote: »

OP back again, well thanks a million for all responses; to clarify a few things: firstly, I did treat the situation as if we were back together, even if it is by distance and we hadnt seen eachother in over a year. This means that I have not been seeing anybody else, or flirting, or doing anything that I wouldnt do if my boyfriend was right next to me.

Secondly, the travelling happens in groups of mixed people, boys and girls. We work hard here and like to get away with other young internationals at the weekends - mostly there is no need to be in a bed or even a room with another guy, and i would try to avoid that scenario (as would they!).

Thirdly, somebody did hit on a tender point - that I was being open and telling him about my travels. Thats true - I always told him, but usually put it off until last minute or even after the event. This is because his reaction and ensuing argument puts me in a terror of a mood and i dont like it. Lame excuse I know and I dont like my behaviour in this regard.

We had one big bust up by skype last night. And at the moment we are not back together, but broken up officially. He told me that he's going to go for a weekend with some girl he met in thailand last year...prob just to rub it in.

It looks like i'm done with him so....or he's done with me. I am sad about it but just very tired from the effort of trying to resuscitate what we once had.

thanks for your help everyone.

He's a possessive fool. Why are you still trying to stay with him?

Why haven't you dated anyone else?

Why are you treating it like ye are still together when you haven't seen him in a YEAR!!!! It would be one thing if ye agreed to an LTR but it sounds like ye didn't!!!

Clean cut, no contact, get over him, get on with your life, go on a date or 2. That's my advice here.

It's unhealthy to be in this sort of relationship.

humanji

You had a lucky break. The guy sounds like he's got serious issues and the mentality of a 3 year old.

Just try to move on and forget about him. And if he ever tries to get back in touch, ignore him. Don't even think of replying to him.