Sister ruining her life

LegacyUser

Hi,

Need some advice on how to deal with my sister please...

She's 19, left school without finishing her leaving cert, has no qualifications, no interest in getting a job and spends all day every day getting stoned using her dole money. She has a absolute loser of a boyfriend [mod note: removed irrelevant information], he's an ex heroin junkie - think he's back on it now and was in prison before and is now on run from guards now due to previous assault charge, he and my sister have been travelling all over the country to avoid getting caught by guards and she wont ever tell us where she is staying or who with. The only time we hear from her is when she wants money or if she's had a row with him. The rows she has with him end up being voilent and she has came home covered in brusies because of it, each time she gets away from him, she swears she's going to keep away but always goes back to him saying she loves him and the same thing keeps happening. Myself and my mum are at our wits end and dont know what to do, she wont listen to us, I've told her so many times, she needs to cop on and get away from him, go back to college, get a job but she seems to think living on the dole is enough for her and if they need extra money then her boyf will sell drugs!! Its like she's living on a different planet.

My sister has an awful temper, she is no angel and seems to blame everyone except herself for the situation she gets in, she blamed my mum that the reason she is staying with her boy even though he hits her is cos my mum stayed with my dad whilst he was violent towards her, she blames my mum for having no qualifications as my mum took her out of school in england to come to ireland but yet my mum had her in school as soon as she moved here but my sister just dropped out cos she never got on with her teachers, she has no respect for anyone, cant handle people in authority.

My mum is about to have a nervous breakdown, she does everything for my sister, gets her out of debt, pays for everything and my sister throws it all back in her face. My mum has been calling the guards nearly every day to check that they are out lookin for her boyf but yet they can never find him! I know they are out looking as several houses have been searched in town, he is known for being violent and known by the guards in the area, If any searches have been carried out, my sister goes mad at my mum, she has gotten violent towards my mum, they have shocking terrible rows to the point where my mums new partner has refused to let my sister live in his house so now when she comes back from time to time, she sleeps on my couch.

im really sorry for long rant, there is so much more to this story but please if anyone could tell me what i could do to try get my sister on the straight and narrow, it would be a big help. im stuck here not knowing what to do, im afraid she's going to get hooked on heroin with him even though she swears she wouldnt touch the stuff, i want her to have a proper life for herself but she wont listen, she just refuses.

Thanks

kmick

Well you cant really do much for your mother but you can tell her that you are cutting your sister from your life until she decides she has hit the bottom. Then suggest she do the same. Change the locks, stop giving her money enabling her behaviour. Then tell her when she is ready to come home she is welcome. To be honest she is classed as an adult now so she needs to decide how she wants to live her life.

mikewest

I know I am going to sound heartless and cruel but right now there is nothing you can do for her. She is an adult, admittedly a very immature one and she is involved, perhaps heavily involved with drugs. All you can do is keep a door open for her if she wants to come back and support your mother as much as possible without breaking yourself.
If her boyfriend gets a state holiday it may give her time to reflect on what she wants to do but she may well go back to him as soon as he gets out because love is truly blind and stupid.

misswex

kmick wrote: »

Well you cant really do much for your mother but you can tell her that you are cutting your sister from your life until she decides she has hit the bottom. Then suggest she do the same. Change the locks, stop giving her money enabling her behaviour. Then tell her when she is ready to come home she is welcome. To be honest she is classed as an adult now so she needs to decide how she wants to live her life.

I'm afraid this is right, this is the only way of helping your sister. You have to stop enabling her to have the life she has at the minute. No money, no accommodatio no support if she keeps staying with this guy and being abusive to her loved ones who are only doing the best they can.

I hope it works out and that your sister can see the right way. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here.

Thanks for the input guys.. Really appreciate it. I know what your saying is right but I just hate to see my sister head down that road, i would be scared that if i didnt let her sleep on the couch, that she'd sleep on the street instead, i know i have to be cruel to be kind but i really couldnt let that happen, i think things would only get worse then. God knows what she would get upto then or how she'd end up.There must be something else I can do, I feel like just grabbing her and forcing her to stay with me but i cant watch over her 24/7.

I know me and my mum have been too soft, I've told my mum to stop giving her money because it gives her the impression that her behaviour is ok and can continue but then we'd be worried she'd have no money for food or rent but yeah your def right about this. Giving her money and running around after her has to stop.

Thanks again.

buckieburd

kmick wrote: »

Well you cant really do much for your mother but you can tell her that you are cutting your sister from your life until she decides she has hit the bottom. Then suggest she do the same. Change the locks, stop giving her money enabling her behaviour. Then tell her when she is ready to come home she is welcome. To be honest she is classed as an adult now so she needs to decide how she wants to live her life.

I dont think this is the best idea. I'd say at the moment your sister feels everyone is against her and if you try the tough love route you will push her even further into a down spiral and she might get to the point where she thinks feck I will have a go of harder drugs. Fair enough if your mum takes this route you should try and be there for here. Listen to her, dont judge and dont condem her boyfriend (infront of her at least!) and she will feel you are on side and then you can start gently working on getting her back on the straight and narrow

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

My mum ..... does everything for my sister, gets her out of debt, pays for everything and my sister throws it all back in her face.

There is your problem right there. The kid is spoilt. Plain and simple.

That is why she is as she is.

username123

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

There is your problem right there. The kid is spoilt. Plain and simple.

That is why she is as she is.

+1.

Its a pretty simple equation, if you let people behave a certain way and enable that behaviour - they will continue to behave that way.

Your mum is enabling your sisters bad behaviour by picking up the pieces of the crisis's she creates, your sister never has to take responsibility for her own actions because she knows that you or your mum will always pick up the pieces so she never suffers any consequences to her behaviour.

The only way a person like this will change their behaviour is if the people around them change THEIR behaviour.

Stop picking up the pieces, let her follow through whatever course of action she chooses without helping her out of whatever hole she has most recently dug herself into.

You dont have to cut her off. Its called detachment with love. You can calmly explain to your sister that her behaviour is unacceptable and that unless she changes her ways you will have to change yours and stop running around after her, giving her money and generally letting her do whatever she does thats bad for you and your mum. You basically need to draw a line in the sand and stick to it. Tell her that you will have all the time in the world to help and support her so long as her self destructive ways stop.