FB friend on bf's profile

LegacyUser

With my boyfriend a year, great guy, love him loads.

Was on his FB yesterday and noticed he had become freinds with a girl I didnt know

Asked him about it and it turns out its an ex of his from 12 years back..she lives overseas now and is engaged to someone else but I'm shocked he's actually gone looking for someone he hasnt spoken to or seen in 12 years while we were together

I'm not jealous - maybe I am - but I feel weird about it.

Am I being paranoid?

dudara

In a nutshell, yes.

Facebook has provided a means of staying in 'loose' contact with people that you haven't seen in years. That's all.

martdalto

Yip!!

shellyboo

hopelessgirl wrote: »

With my boyfriend a year, great guy, love him loads.

Was on his FB yesterday and noticed he had become freinds with a girl I didnt know

Asked him about it and it turns out its an ex of his from 12 years back..she lives overseas now and is engaged to someone else but I'm shocked he's actually gone looking for someone he hasnt spoken to or seen in 12 years while we were together

I'm not jealous - maybe I am - but I feel weird about it.

Am I being paranoid?

Yes.

And also, maybe she went looking for him? Maybe she came up in his "recommended friends" thingy? Maybe maybe maybe maybe a million different things. Stop fretting, it's a total non-issue.

cafecolour

Absolutely, completely paranoid. Half of my class from school - 15+ years gone by for me - has 'friended' me on facebook, even though I've never talked to most of them since (and barely remember most of them TBH). This includes several exes, none of whom i have any interest in, besides leaving me feeling vaugely disconcerted that people I used to date are married with kids and I can't keep a relationship for more than 6 months

dublingal80

YES

She lives overseas and is engaged and they were together 12 years ago!!!
I have lots of "friends" on my FB from school that i havent seen in 12 years, or people i used to work with that i havent seen in 5 cos they are living overseas... And sure, friends of friends I meet on a night out get added too, to look at pics that were taken that night

All very harmless so just relax

LegacyUser

So why did he look for her then? He looked for her not the other way around, searched her out if you like, he didnt just happen across her, he's told me that.

He doesnt have anyone else on his friends list he doesnt hang out with on a regular basis, there are a lot of other people from the past he could have looked up but he doesnt cause in his words he "doesnt see the point".

I'm not worried about what they are talking about or anything. I dont think they are having cyber sex or anything like that.

I just find it odd that he doesnt think of her in 12 years and then as we are establishing our relationship he suddenly is inspired to look for her. Last thing I was thinking about back then were my exes. Why this one particular woman you know? Its put me on edge and I cant help thinking what if anything it means.

His answer when I ask him is he was curious but he's had a lot of lovers so I dont know why he is curious about this one and not them all

martdalto

Well if that's the case, you're going to have to ask him directly.

And then you're either going to have to accept his answer, and move on from it, or not accept his answer.. and "move on" from it.

It can only be your decision in the end.

cafecolour

Who knows. It happens sporadically that I'll think 'I wonder what happend to XXXXX' and do a little googling. Mostly it's just friends, sometimes it's an ex.

A few months ago, I suddenly remember an ex from college that I hadn't thought about in 10 years. I looked him up online, he's married and has kids and lives about 30 miles from his parents. Curiosity satisfied, honestly haven't thought of him again til now.

The internet just makes it easy to satisfy quickly those brief little moments of curiosity that previously would've just passed un-investigated.

I'd say you're completely over analyzing. The fact that you're doing this about something seemingly minor is a little worrying tbh - be careful you don't start second guessing and quizzing him everytime you see him talking to an unknown girl.

Colonel_McCoy

Yes forget about it

hopelessgirl

hopelessgirl wrote: »

With my boyfriend a year, great guy, love him loads.

Was on his FB yesterday and noticed he had become freinds with a girl I didnt know

Do you pre-approve all females to become friends with your bf?
It was idle curiosity I would say, there's no need to blow it out of all proportion

get off facebook and go outside and chill out a bit

Dudess

This wouldn't even be an issue for you if he had gone looking for a male he was friends with years ago. Guys can be just friends with girls too.

LegacyUser

Its possible this girl had cropped up in his mind every so often over the years,thats normal especially if it was a signifigant relationship. Its difficult to broach contacting a person you loved once and havnt heard from in years, especially if your not in a solid relationship now. Theres the fear that your ex might mistake the sudden out of the blue contact for a desire to be with them again when really its just nostalgia for someone that once ment alot. Im willing to bet he contacted her now because he feels he's in a secure relationship. That can often make people want to create some closure with the past, and making friends with an ex on facebook and exchanging a few pleasantries is a nice way to in effect say 'it was nice to have known you, Ive moved on and Im happy to make casual idle banter'. I wouldnt worry about it at all, in fact Id see it as a reasurance that you are an important fixture in his life.

_blank_

I'm friends on Facebook with one or two exes, one or two girls I've kissed.

My GF is also friends with some of her exes.

Zero problemo.

LeixlipRed

I just recently looked up an ex of mine from 8 years ago on fb. We went out for about a week and kissed twice. I didn't look her up because I wanted to score her again, just because I came across something that reminded me of that circle of friends. So, eh, no big deal obviously. I'm friends with a few exs and you need to look past these petty jealousies, otherwise they consume you.

liah

I have all of my exes on my facebook, on decent terms with all of them. Also a few people I've kissed/fooled around with, on decent terms with all of them too.

Just because you've had a past with someone doesn't mean you still want them. Usually the past is the past for a reason.

An ex added me recently on facebook. We are on good terms, but we don't make an effort to keep in touch.
He always had this idea that I was the girl for him.
But now the real deal has come along and they are commiting, and I guess the process of realising that put him in mind of me. He got in touch to tell me how well he is doing, tell me about her and see how I was.

If a facebook addy is your biggest relationship worry, your a lucky woman.

pwd

Facebook is a way of keeping loose contact with people you used to know, yes..
Of course men and women can be just friends without it being anything more, yes..
but
I think once things are put in the context of a relationship between two people, they can't go back to being just friends.
[Even if they don't actually have a relationship, but one of them expresses a serious interest]
So I guess when you add someone as a contact who you have no contact with, it's kinda indicating that you'd be interested in continuing whatever contact you used to have.
So if you add a guy you used to say hi to when you bumped into them, you're saying 'You seemed nice enough, let's say hi if we bump into each other some time'.
And if you add a girl you used to sleep with, well you're saying something a lot more significant.

martdalto

pwd wrote: »

So if you add a guy you used to say hi to when you bumped into them, you're saying 'You seemed nice enough, let's say hi if we bump into each other some time'.
And if you add a girl you used to sleep with, well you're saying something a lot more significant.

YOU might be saying something more significant... not everyone else is though!


I'm married - I have NO interest in any of my exes.. none. I would be on friendly terms with most of them. I'm 10 years with my husband, and I think time, maturity and a happy secure relationship changes the way we view exes!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input everyone

I am trying to ignore it..I don't use FB anyway so I dont have any reason to look it up. Its been hard though because she's changed a lot in the last 12 years, lost a lot of weight, looks better than ever etc and he won't shut up about it.

I'm going to keep an eye on it but not make a big deal of it.

Even though she is overseas she comes back here every couple months so meeting up might be something he suggests. I just wonder if there is some unfinished business here on his part..lots of his exes are on social websites, many of them he's found but he has no desire to add them.

I'm curious more so than worried but you hear stories of people reconnecting this way you know?

txt_mess

I wouldn't worry it's facebook he's not cheating and it's probably a case of finding her brought back memories and to be honest everyone I think at this stage has done the random searches for ex's , distant family , old neighbours.

You have to remember she an ex which means for a period however long he did share common experiences and memories which are always good in hindsight but now he's with you and they are just that memories.

LegacyUser

You've been given plenty of answers, but going by your responses you just don't want to hear them. Same as many I've looked up exes on various sites - not out of any longing or desire, but out of curiousity. Some thought or event reminds you of a certain time or a certain person and you get curious. That's what facebook is great for. It means nothing. It's no big deal - which everyone keeps telling you, but you keep ignoring.

LegacyUser

I AM ignoring it. I just wanted to explain why this one person bothered me so much. If I was paranoid I'd be joining FB myself to keep an eye on him !!!