what will i do?

LegacyUser

my father killed himself just after christmas last year, ever since im finding it tough but im trying to keep living my life and moving on, the reason he did it was he was sick alot of the time and he wasnt getting any better, my mother has always been quite cold and left him on his own alot and often complained to us when he has to go into hospital about the inconvience it was causing her and her working life (mind you we never ever needed the money but she was bored and needed an outlet rather than look after my dad) anyway, he died and my mother has gotten on with her life but has now discovered she has terminal cancer, its almost as though the cancer growing inside her has made her even colder, for example i told her the other day i loved her and she didnt even look at me and said "i know" no, i love you too...anyway, its coming up to christmas and i dont want to be anyway near her or my home because even though today is the first day ive actaully blame her for my dad dying, i loved him more than anything and if i could swap her with where he is now i would, is it ok if i dont spend christmas with my dying mother? in the back of my mind i know my fathers choice was his own and no one made him do it but i feel if if she showed him she loved him and wanted to be with him, he might still be here

Monkey61

OP I am so sorry about your father. I have every sympathy for you. It must be horrible to lose anyone in those circumstances.

Now some might disagree but I don't think blaming your mother is the thing to do. Your father was a grown man and he made that choice. By the sounds of things your parents didn't love eachother and thus your mother didn't want to be there for him when he was sick, which not knowing what went on in their relationship may be fair enough. If she didn't love him then there wasn't really anything that she could do about that and I imagine that they both knew what state their relationship was in.

I imagine that your mother is suffering too. It can't be easy for her either and it seems like her way of dealing with it is to retreat into herself.

Have you had any bereavement counselling? I definitely think that this should be the first step as it can provide immeasurable support in learning how to cope with your grief. Counselling would also be a great way of helping you deal with your feelings about your mother.

dublingal80

unreg2468 wrote: »

my father killed himself just after christmas last year, ever since im finding it tough but im trying to keep living my life and moving on, the reason he did it was he was sick alot of the time and he wasnt getting any better, my mother has always been quite cold and left him on his own alot and often complained to us when he has to go into hospital about the inconvience it was causing her and her working life (mind you we never ever needed the money but she was bored and needed an outlet rather than look after my dad) anyway, he died and my mother has gotten on with her life but has now discovered she has terminal cancer, its almost as though the cancer growing inside her has made her even colder, for example i told her the other day i loved her and she didnt even look at me and said "i know" no, i love you too...anyway, its coming up to christmas and i dont want to be anyway near her or my home because even though today is the first day ive actaully blame her for my dad dying, i loved him more than anything and if i could swap her with where he is now i would, is it ok if i dont spend christmas with my dying mother? in the back of my mind i know my fathers choice was his own and no one made him do it but i feel if if she showed him she loved him and wanted to be with him, he might still be here

Firstly I am sooooo sorry to hear what happened to you with you dad. That is just absolutely awful and I couldnt imagine anything like that. And now to have your monther so sick, its just heartbreaking.

You have to stop wth the "what if's" because its only gonna make yourself go mad. Unfortuantely what happened has happened. You cant think of "well if i did this, or if my mam did that would things have changed", because it cant.

my dad passed away a couple of months ago and my mother adored him, we all did. amazing person. but she could sometimes come across as being a little bit cold to him, but thats just how she has always acted when someone has been sick, including me. So my dad knew she adored him with all her heart but she just wasnt good at dealing with sickness, so I honestly dont think you can blame your mother for what has happened.

I wouldnt say your dad just thought one day to think, oh, im gonna do this and off he went. Things must have been bad for him for a long time. My ex tried to kill himself while we dated. He had an amazing family, me who adored him completely, but for some reason it wasnt enough and he hated himself. People have so many different reasons to want to do this and for you to put the blame on one person honestly isnt very fair

Your mother is now going through something else quite horrific and she is probably terrified and cant believe she is so sick and doesnt want things to change. I definitely think you should spend christmas with her and try and make some happy memories. If something happened to her in the new year, god forbid, you would hate yourself for not spending her last xmas with her.

Its one day. She will be hurting so much because of losing your dad and because she is so sick so suck it up and be there for her. Just so she isnt alone

WindSock

Sorry to hear about your parents, OP. To be honest though, you sound a bit hypocritical in your post. You say your dad died because your mam wasn't there for him when he was sick, as said before that was his choice and no one else is to blame for it. Now you don't want to be there for her when she is sick? Your mother may not have loved your dad, but you say you love your mam. Well it's actions that prove it, not words. (and just because she didn't say 'I love you' back, doesn't mean she doesn't.)

Edit: and it is also coming up to the first anniversary of his death, it is natural to be feeling a bit strange. Especially at christmas time. You must grieve in your own way but you mustn't blame your mother for what happened. She needs you too and you will regret not being there when she is gone.

LegacyUser

im not being a hypocrite, to be honest i dont know if i do love her, i just wanted to get a reaction from her, but back to the question, is it important to spend christmas with family?

LegacyUser

OP, I had a sort of similar experience to yours.

My Dad was very sick for several years and my mother behaved exactly the same as your. She kicked up a huge fuss every time he needed to go to hospital, constantly complained about how her life was being wasted hanging around hospitals, ICU, etc.

I'm a teenager and my brother just a kid, neither of us could drive so we depended on our mother to transport my dad to hospital.

I wished all the time that I was old enough to be able to drive and that I could take him to and from hospital.

He didn't take his own life, mostly because he didn't have the energy. He was just too sick. Instead he stopped fighting. He allowed himself to die. He told me shortly before he passed that he didn't want to burden my mother any longer. She was so cold and hateful to him through his sickness, always making it obvious that he was interfering with her life.

He died just before Christmas last year.

Unlike your mother, mine is not dying now, but I do pretty much hate her as a person, I blame her though I never tell her this. I know my Dad was sick and would've probably died anyway but she made it all ten times worse for him. If he had felt loved and important, he'd have made more effort to fight for longer. I think he felt we'd all be better off without him, that he was just "in the way" of all of our lives.

I have no interest in celebrating Christmas this year, listening to my mother play the widow victim. But I think if I was to find out she was terminally ill, I would make effort to spend time with her at Christmas, as it is a time of year where people are expected to be around their family, and it may be the last chance you get to do this. I'd prefer to be with her as part of a group though, it's more of a distraction. I think it's a matter of biting your lip and just being civil. You probably won't appreciate it at the time, but maybe in years to come, you'll be glad you were with her.

I would wonder if your mother is still in the anger stage of coming to terms with being terminally ill, and perhaps that's what some of her coldness is? Most people go through a stage of 'why me' when diagnosed with terminal illness and feel angry and bitter towards the rest of the world.

snowy2008

thats really good advice lostgirl, id definatly back that up, op, whatever you do, just make sure you have no regrets

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I would never tell you you had to be any other way than what you are feeling right now, its not even that long since your dad died and i would not blame you for thinking like you do about your mother, who knows how you will feel about it next year, but i think you have the right to feel and think exactly as you do,

This is really tragic for you, you could potentially have no parents in the coming years, if your mum came here for advice i think we would all give it to her and empathizes with her situation, but you have come here for advice and i really feel you are in a situation that must be very hard to deal with and no one can really advise you unless they know what its like in your home.


I just think you have to be really selfish OP, if you mum is deciding to be distant and cold with the illness then you are going to have to protect yourself and use any resources you have, like its your christmas too and its also an emotionasl time with your dad gone, why shouldnt you try and make it as easy on yourself as possible, do you have any brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts uncles? what will your mam do if you do go away does she have any family/sisters etc that she could go to or go visit her on the day?

LegacyUser

shes got my brother who lives at home with her, id just be surplus to requirements by being there, they have always been close but i almost feel like im intruding when i go home, its riduculous! i just want to be so far away from that house coz everything there reminds me of him, even his aftershaves are still in the bathroom