Need some external insight

LegacyUser

I am trying to get my head around things here but I am in a bad state. Have had to take the last 2 days off work as I am in no state for being there. Maybe an outside view can help ease my mind, this is going to be long so sorry about that.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 6 years. I moved country to be with her and we have been living together for the past 4 years. The relationship got a little stale in recent times and I wasn't putting in the effort that I should have been but I only realised that recently. Last year my gf received an offer to work for 1 year in a different office on the other side of the world. We talked about it and I agreed that it would be good for her career and I trusted her and thought our relationship was strong enough to get through 1 year. It was only much later (after all the events I'll explain later) that she told she was unhappy with us and wanted to use this year to see how she felt about me.

I have to say that being so far was much more difficult than I thought it would be, especially with the very large time difference of 10 hours. I visited her in Feb this year and we have a good time. She came back in July for 2 weeks and that is where the drama started. Everything appeared to be ok but I noticed something was not right and she was txting a lot which is unusual for her. I know I shouldn't have, but I sneaked a look at her phone and my heart hit the ground. There were texts where she had invited a guy over the night before she flew out, she said she was thinking of him, she wanted to arrange a weekend away instead of just being together for 1 night. I decided to say nothing for a few days and see if she would confess. I angled lots of conversations so that it would be easy for her but she said nothing. I eventually confronted her about it and she wouldn't admit that something was going on. She flew back leaving me going through personal hell.

I sent her a long mail the following day explaining how I was feeling and eventually a week later she admitted it. She said she had been unhappy with us, was lonely there and that it just sort of happened. We talked at length for the next few weeks about our relationship and the problems we have. She said she was not seeing this guy any more and was unsure about us. We talked and made good progress and things were looking up, she said she wanted to give us a go. She then got an offer of being made permanent where she currently is and we talked about it and I agreed to give up everything here to move around the world to be with her. We also planned a holiday for October. We met up on this hol, it was difficult at times due to what had happened earlier in the year but we had a good time over all and talked about me moving to be with her and I thought everything was getting back to some normality between us.

So I come back from the hol last week, get all the relevant docs for the visa together, go for the required scans and submit them. Then on Sunday, out of no where, she tells me she doesn't want me to come over and is not sure about us anymore. We had a little episode on Sat and i don't know what to make of it. We normally talk, chat or txt every day. The last I heard from her was Thu evening, so I sent a txt Fri evening her time but got no reply, made a few calls (my num doesn't show up) and no answer. I sent another txt Sat morning, no reply and I sent another saying I was worried and made a number of call attempts no answer. Let me just say that she usually has the phone close to her. She eventually replied to my text at 12:30 her time and I immediately called her but she didn't answer. I sent a txt asking why she was not answering and she said she was upset at what I was insinuating, thing is, I didn't insinuate anything other than I was worried. I continued trying to call to find out what was wrong and she eventually answered 30 mins later. I found it a little suspicious then as she was outside when she answered it but I may be reading too much into it. I don't think she would have cheated on me again, it was not even a week after the hol and with me planning to shortly move there. I know I lost it here with the constant calling and maybe subsconciously I was thinking that she was cheating.

We talked about her change of heart on Sunday, she said she is under too much stress with her job, wasn't happy with the terms of the new contract, was worried about me giving up my job here, having no job there, she said she couldn't stick out this job for long and wants to come back in 6 months and that is why she doesn't want me to come over. She said that she feels things are not right with us and needs time to sort her head out and thinks that a further 6 months there might help. She doesn't want to talk to me until next week so that she can think things through.

I can't describe what I am going through and don't know what to think, this emotional rollercoster is killing me. I thought things were good after the hols, everything was good up to weekend and we were talking of my move over and both of us were happy. I just don't get this sudden change. I sent her a txt wanting an explanation and she replied that I shouid respect her request for a week of no contact and that was that.

I'm in a bad way writing this so maybe some of the above doesn't make sense but I can clear up anything. Thanks if you could stick it out.

Recon

I went through something similar recently, best advice I can give is let her go. I was feeling pretty bad for a few days after we broke up but went out with some friends thought about the relationship we had and the things about it that I wasn't happy with. In the end I think the breakup was the best for us.

LegacyUser

head_is_mush wrote: »

She eventually replied to my text at 12:30 her time and I immediately called her but she didn't answer. I sent a txt asking why she was not answering and she said she was upset at what I was insinuating, thing is, I didn't insinuate anything other than I was worried. I continued trying to call to find out what was wrong and she eventually answered 30 mins later. I found it a little suspicious then as she was outside when she answered it but I may be reading too much into it.

^^^ that bit ^^^

she's cheating. sorry mate, but thats absolutely textbook cheating tactic: seruptiticiously texting you while she's with the new BF, not being able to answer your calls and then 'nipping out for some fresh air' so she can call you without the new BF realising.

how do i know - easy, i've done it.

walk away mate, forget the judgemental stuff about whether she's a whore and a slut and whether cheaters should be burnt at the stake, it doesn't matter - she's fundamentally unsure/unhappy with your relationship, and while she's given you lots of clues - perhaps hoping you'll pull the plug - she just doesn't have the gumption to dump you herself.

sorry mate, but theres no future here.

LegacyUser

I love this person and want to fight for this relationship. She is everything to me, the person I want to share the rest of my life with and have a family with. Yes, this year has been so tough and yes she cheated but we have talked about this, the reasons why it happened and we have started to work on these issues. I thought things were starting to get better and then this bombshell lands and I don't know what to think right now.

dudara

She's not necessarily cheating. Not answering the phone could mean that she just doesn't want to talk to you right now. Being outside could mean that when she did decide to talk to you, that she didn't want to do it in the company of others.

Whatever is going on, it doesn't appear to be good for your relationship. Is there anyway that you can get over to see her, even if only for a flying visit? It's always better to speak face to face.

Colonel_McCoy

I agree with "done it", writing is on the wall. Seen one of my friends go through the exact same thing.

Sorry time to let go

LegacyUser

I want to believe that she is not cheating again. After all we've been through over the last few months and all the discussions we have had and all the pain that was there I don't believe she could do that again. But love is blind as they say. We have been in contact every evening, so I know she hasn't been seeing anyone for the last few months. We just came back from holidays last week, a few days before this all blew up. She will be flying here in 8 weeks and I have only 3 days hols left for this year but I would be willing to take unpaid leave and fly there if it meant sorting things out.

daisybelle2008

head_is_mush wrote: »

I love this person and want to fight for this relationship. She is everything to me, the person I want to share the rest of my life with and have a family with. Yes, this year has been so tough and yes she cheated but we have talked about this, the reasons why it happened and we have started to work on these issues. I thought things were starting to get better and then this bombshell lands and I don't know what to think right now.

What happened is it did not work out with the guy she cheated on, maybe he was not interested enough (sounded like she was doing a bit more of the running from the text message). She is stringing you along as back up in case she does not find someone else. Hence the push/pull BS. Now you can fight away all you like but know this she is biding her time and will pull the plug very soon, she hasn't done it yet because she has not found a replacement and you are proving hard to get rid off because of all the allowances you are making and fighting for the relationship etc. She is extracting herself. If you are happy enough to continue work away but you will be working a lot harder than she will (just as you are now) and I will put my house on the fact she will move on when she meets someone else.

LegacyUser

head_is_mush wrote: »

She is everything to me, the person I want to share the rest of my life with and have a family with.

and?

sorry mate, but that is how you feel, very obviously not how she feels. if she wanted to 'work at it' she would so - and telling you she needs another six months of sunbathing and casual sex isn't 'working at it' by any reasonable definition. you need to listen to her words instead of listening to your own desires.

she moved 12,000 miles from you on a temporary placement, which she then made permament, she then had a relationship with another bloke, and then she told you not to move over to be with her.

exactly what kind of additional evidence are you looking for?

AnonoBoy

Have to agree with a lot of people here. I've had this happen to me. It's horrible but if you move over to where she is you will regret it and end up in a country you have no ties to except an ex-girlfriend that you will resent.

Let her go.

I don't understand why people can't just be honest about these things. You'd respect her a lot more if she just said "I've met someone else."

So now she's got two guys on the go and is desperately trying to decide who she wants? Make up her mind for her.

Don't let her dance around your questions with "I'm confused... etc. etc."

If she's got some other guy on the go then that's it. Finish it.

Harsh but you will feel a lot better for having done it in the long run.

Terodil

I agree.

I'm so sorry for you OP -- really, truly sorry. You have invested so much into this relationship -- you moved for her initially, you did a LOT of running and you offered to drop *everything* and move again just because she preferred to work in a country on the other side of the world.

You can see your world disintegrating, you know it is, but you cannot believe it. It's because you have so much invested that your heart fights your mind at every step. In an economical context we'd call that 'throwing good money after the bad' -- you keep investing with your limited and carefully budgeted resources (feelings) even though you know the investment has gone bad and you're essentially just throwing it out the window.

Sorry OP, but the best advice in this context (IMO, ofc!) is to make a cut, and fast. You will destroy yourself otherwise.

Her behaviour is as clear as day. She's cutting you loose and you're clinging desperately, some might even say excessively, to her. She is probably partly annoyed and partly flattered. Don't be such a 'tool' (and please, I don't say this to hurt you -- take a step back and imagine your best friend was doing what you are doing now -- what would be your advice then?).

She's not treating you as she should. Please don't hurt your life any more by running after a lost chance. This one is gone for good, I'm afraid. =(

The best of luck, OP. Chin up =/

Moomoo1

head_is_mush wrote: »

We talked about her change of heart on Sunday, she said she is under too much stress with her job, wasn't happy with the terms of the new contract, was worried about me giving up my job here, having no job there, she said she couldn't stick out this job for long and wants to come back in 6 months and that is why she doesn't want me to come over.

that's rubbish. All of it. Tell her you have decided to come over and that's final. Then if she wants to go back so be it.

head_is_mush wrote: »

I can't describe what I am going through and don't know what to think, this emotional rollercoster is killing me. I thought things were good after the hols, everything was good up to weekend and we were talking of my move over and both of us were happy. I just don't get this sudden change. I sent her a txt wanting an explanation and she replied that I shouid respect her request for a week of no contact and that was that.

and does she have respect for your feelings? I wonder... and you want to spend the rest of your days with her? She cheats on you, lies to you, makes you go through visa applications for nothing... and it's _you_ who needs to respect her feelings?

Remember, it is a privelege for someone to be in a rs with you. A privelege. That should be your attitude.

Moomoo1

AnonoBoy wrote: »

I don't understand why people can't just be honest about these things. You'd respect her a lot more if she just said "I've met someone else."

So now she's got two guys on the go and is desperately trying to decide who she wants? Make up her mind for her.

Exactly. If she had just said 'I have this other guy(s) and I am trying to decide between you two', things would have been so so much easier for the OP...

daisybelle2008

Moomoo1 wrote: »

that's rubbish. All of it. Tell her you have decided to come over and that's final. Then if she wants to go back so be it.

Dear God do not do that! Why would you travel half way accross the world to be with someone who does not want you there? Stay well away man.

It is very hard to be honest with someone like the OP. They do not want to hear no and insist on making things work and wanting to 'give things a go'. They don't want to hear that you are not interested, it takes a very strong person to knock back someone like this and sadly most of us aren't.

Moomoo1

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Dear God do not do that! Why would you travel half way accross the world to be with someone who does not want you there? Stay well away man.

I said 'tell her you will come' not 'go there' ;-). She is bluffing and he needs to call her bluff. If he tells her he's coming for 6 moths as she wants she'll have to tell him not to for some other reason (she can't have him come as obviously she found someone else), at which point he can say 'screw you, I am too good for this'. Which would be absolute truth.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is very hard to be honest with someone like the OP. They do not want to hear no and insist on making things work and wanting to 'give things a go'. They don't want to hear that you are not interested, it takes a very strong person to knock back someone like this and sadly most of us aren't.

that's unduly harsh. There was never a clear 'NO' in there, she just kept hedging her bets. Had he not looked at her mobile he might have still been thinking all was well. If she had just said 'sorry I don't want you' then fine but she never seems to have done...

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, it's helping me see things clearer.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

What happened is it did not work out with the guy she cheated on, maybe he was not interested enough (sounded like she was doing a bit more of the running from the text message). She is stringing you along as back up in case she does not find someone else. Hence the push/pull BS. Now you can fight away all you like but know this she is biding her time and will pull the plug very soon, she hasn't done it yet because she has not found a replacement and you are proving hard to get rid off because of all the allowances you are making and fighting for the relationship etc. She is extracting herself. If you are happy enough to continue work away but you will be working a lot harder than she will (just as you are now) and I will put my house on the fact she will move on when she meets someone else.

This response has really with struck me and I fear you are right in what you say. From the messages she sent, it sounded like she was doing the chasing and there was one particular message back from this guy where he said that the spark was no longer there, so he was obviously not that into it.

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

It is very hard to be honest with someone like the OP. They do not want to hear no and insist on making things work and wanting to 'give things a go'. They don't want to hear that you are not interested, it takes a very strong person to knock back someone like this and sadly most of us aren't.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

that's unduly harsh. There was never a clear 'NO' in there, she just kept hedging her bets. Had he not looked at her mobile he might have still been thinking all was well. If she had just said 'sorry I don't want you' then fine but she never seems to have done...

I'm not into playing games, I like straight up answers. I've already asked her straight up if she wants to call it off and she has that she isn't sure of her feelings at the moment and needs time to herself to figure these out. So there hasn't been a clear no, but there also hasn't been a commitment either. It leaves me in emotional limbo, yes maybe it is truly over and she is afraid to call it a day and maybe I am just hanging on in hope. I would just like her to be straight up with me as I can't take much more of this.

daisybelle2008

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I said 'tell her you will come' not 'go there' ;-). She is bluffing and he needs to call her bluff. If he tells her he's coming for 6 moths as she wants she'll have to tell him not to for some other reason (she can't have him come as obviously she found someone else), at which point he can say 'screw you, I am too good for this'. Which would be absolute truth.



that's unduly harsh. There was never a clear 'NO' in there, she just kept hedging her bets. Had he not looked at her mobile he might have still been thinking all was well. If she had just said 'sorry I don't want you' then fine but she never seems to have done...

I misread your comment, sorry but why bother playing pretend games and calling her bluff just to force her hand? It might appear harsh but I am trying to save him from further heartache.
All this waiting about for a clear 'NO' is a waste of time, he needs to take action and remove himself from this train wreck now and not wait to get it in writing from his OH. Take the ball out of her court, she will respect him more and treat him better when he does this. Right now he is jumping to her tune and giving her all the power. She will continue to treat him like a doormat as long as he lets her.

Very few of us have the balls to give a clear 'No' and bail out, especially when the other person is clinging on and does not want to hear it. You try letting them down gently and then end up giving them mixed signals.

He asked for perspective and hopefully he can take on board everyones opionion and do what is best for him. I would be more in the tough love camp and appreciate that is not everyones cup of tea. Different strokes etc.

Moomoo1

how is he clinging on? She left to go abroad, she cheated, she lied. She then gave an indication things were getting back to normal, and now she seems to be at it again.

If someone keeps giving you false promises, it's not 'clinging' to go along with that...

... and the point of suggesting that he goes regardless would be to gain such a straight answer from her. It's not playing games, it's cutting through her drivel to get her to say the important part: that she does not want him to come at the moment because she doesn't want a relationship with him. Which would help resolve things no end.

daisybelle2008

Moomoo1 wrote: »

how is he clinging on? She left to go abroad, she cheated, she lied. She then gave an indication things were getting back to normal, and now she seems to be at it again.

If someone keeps giving you false promises, it's not 'clinging' to go along with that...

... and the point of suggesting that he goes regardless would be to gain such a straight answer from her. It's not playing games, it's cutting through her drivel to get her to say the important part: that she does not want him to come at the moment because she doesn't want a relationship with him. Which would help resolve things no end.

Sticking around in those circumstances (bold bits) to me is clinging on. Actions speak louder than words in my book.
I really don't think expending energy trying to bluff her into saying she does not want to continue is a productive us of the OP's time. Lying/Pretending to force a result is game playing to me. Why wait for the words? Why bother plotting fake trips trying to get her to admit that , she just won't.
I think we both agree that he is getting messed around here we just disagree on how best to fix that. IMHO your way drags the pain and nonsense out longer, but I could be totally wrong.

Moomoo1

fair enough. Unfortunately the boundary between 'clinging' and 'fighting for the relationship' is often so unclear, esp. if the relationship is a long-term one, and much energy has already been invested into it. But I disagree that cheating on someone equates telling them you want to end the relationship: plenty of people cheat who most certainly do not want to end the relationship.

I think what we agree on is that now is the time to draw the line and say enough is enough. I guess how exactly this is done doesn't matter so much. I guess he can just tell her that 'clearly you have zero interest in this relationship' instead...

Oryx

Pull away from the relationship. It will be hard, but what you are doing now is beating yourself over the head with it. Accept that something is fundamentally wrong between you both, and no amount of effort on your part is going to fix it enough for the two of you if she is dithering.

And she is. She cant bring herself to leave you, and she cant love you enough to stay. Thats what is clear to me from your description. It doesnt make her evil or nasty or hurtful. She may still love you on some level, but it sounds like you are not enough, and the distance has shown that up. She seems unable to make up her mind to either commit to you or let you go. Perhaps thats from a fear of letting go of the relationship permanently, as it must have been wonderful at one time. Its not nice for you, but losing someone never is.

Let her go. The more you push, the more youre making it hard for both of you. Its a hackneyed saying, but if you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours. If they dont, then they never were. Love is about holding with open hands. Cling and you inevitably crush it. Move on with your life, and see what happens.

Ishindar

OP u seem to have facilitated her throughout the relationship. moving to her country etc.
after her cheating episode earlier in the year it should be her making a leap of faith to be with you and her fighting hard for the success of the relationship.
instead it is you doing this?

after her cheating episode she should be on her very very best behavior and very clear about what she wants because if that episode didnt rattle her and the near miss of losing you forever then she clearly doesnt love you.

it took a lot to get her to admit to cheating. there are a lot of red flags flying at the moment. I suggest giving her an ultimatum based on the red flags, u need a leap of faith from her. something along the lines of her packing up and coming home to u asap, put the relationship before her job and everything, and no bull****.

6 years is a long time and alot to throw away so i understand your apprehension. I also admire your strength in all this and hope it all works out and u get what you deserve.

LegacyUser

I completely agree with Daisy belle on this one.

There is no point draggin this out for longer than it has to be or playing silly mind games. He's just being played for a fool by this girl and if he were to keep a pretence up and call her bluff, it just makes him look even more like an idiot. Sorry OP.

This is going to be completely heart wrenching for you and will take you a long time to get over so please just try prepare yourself, I know you must be thinking that you can get her to come round and make a go of things but trust me, its so clear from your post that this girl has lost interest and its a extremely likley that she's seeing someone else. I think she wants this break from you so that she can spend some time with her new boyfriend in peace without distractions from you. I think that she is just not strong enough to tell you thats its over between ye and keeps stringin you along in the hope that you might just get fed up of it and end things yourself and make it easier on her which is such a cowardly thing to do but obviously this has backfired on her as you have offered to move over to be with her.

I think that you should give her the space she has asked for, do not call, email, text her at all. If she wants to be with you then she will come to you but if she does then you should give serious thought as to whether you actually want to be with someone like this, if someone wasnt sure how they felt about me then i'd know there and then that it wasnt worth the hassle or the pain, i'd make the decision for them and end it. If she decides she doesnt want to be with you, then take it as a lucky escape from being with a person that your never going to be able to trust and will constantly be doubting as to whether she really loves you which will then knock your confidence majorly!

I really feel awful for you, its a horrible situation to be in but what should make it easier for you is that your apart already and so this will give you a better chance to move on and get over here rather than be afraid that your going to bump into her and her new boyfriend.


Good luck.

BraziliaNZ

hey i'm in similar situation OP, with her being in diff country for now, albeit only the UK. Anyway she moved there recently and after a few days I told her my concerns, that I wasn't sure how it was going to work with her being there, and me being worried etc. So I was over for a few days with her and it was nice and all and basically she's telling the harsh truth that a year is a long time and it's going to be hard for it to work, and requires a lot of work too, and that she doesn't think she can go through with it. She hasn't met anyone else and she was the one who made all the effort while we were apart and pretty much in general, but I can't change the past.
Anyway it's hard now but I just had to put a stop to it, no point in begging, pleading etc, you just dig yourself a deeper hole. So as of yesterday, no more contact, I'm just going to leave her to it, and as much as you may think about her, what's she's doing, who she's with etc, you just have to get on with it. It will be torturous but being in touch with her will just prolong your pain.
Just drop everything, leave her alone, and try to get on with it. I'm in the same boat and it sucks but it's the only way.

seahorse

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I disagree that cheating on someone equates telling them you want to end the relationship: plenty of people cheat who most certainly do not want to end the relationship.

That's true; a lot of people like to have their cake and eat it. I know a girl who once had a fling with a man who was in a long-term relationship. She took the fling as cast-iron proof that this man didn't want the relationship with the woman he was with. No prizes for guessing which woman ended up bawling into her bulmers..:rolleyes: