Feeling for my ex's friend

LegacyUser

Last month, my (then) girlfriend went abroad for the year to study (I'm 26, she's 25), we were together around a year and a half, knew each other for 4-5 years before that. She broke up with me a week or so after leaving.

While we were going out I did make a conscious effort to socialise and get to know her friends (which she said she was very happy with, that's what she said anyway!, it wasn't as if I was barging in all the time or anything!) and became really good friends with some of them and we do still meet up, go for drinks, watch DVDs and all that. And I'm really starting to develop feelings for one of the girls, and that's where I don't know what to do.

Are there any girls here with any advice or would know what they might think if their friend's ex asked them out? My ex and the girl I like knew each other well enough but I think did their main getting close as friends thing was while me and my ex were together (ex was more friends with her sister).

Breakup with amicable enough, no ****ty feelings towards each other really, just grew apart and went our separate ways (her leaving the country kind of helped on that front!)

OxO-CuBe

Ex's_friend wrote: »

Last month, my (then) girlfriend went abroad for the year to study (I'm 26, she's 25), we were together around a year and a half, knew each other for 4-5 years before that. She broke up with me a week or so after leaving.

While we were going out I did make a conscious effort to socialise and get to know her friends (which she said she was very happy with, that's what she said anyway!, it wasn't as if I was barging in all the time or anything!) and became really good friends with some of them and we do still meet up, go for drinks, watch DVDs and all that. And I'm really starting to develop feelings for one of the girls, and that's where I don't know what to do.

Are there any girls here with any advice or would know what they might think if their friend's ex asked them out? My ex and the girl I like knew each other well enough but I think did their main getting close as friends thing was while me and my ex were together (ex was more friends with her sister).

Breakup with amicable enough, no ****ty feelings towards each other really, just grew apart and went our separate ways (her leaving the country kind of helped on that front!)

Careful, careful, careful. Meeting a girl in your ex's social circle can be a bit of a no no. For you and her. If you still have feelings for your ex and want to be true to your new gf then you could be walking into a mindfield.

You should have a good think about this one and see if the new friend is worth the hasstle because you might have to answer some hard questions when your ex gets back. So you need to be true to yourself and both girls before you make this move.

IMHO I would leave it alone, unless this is the one. Plenty more fish in the sea...

dublingal80

dont do it!

Its just gonna make things very messy for the 3 of you in the future. When your ex finds out, she is going to be upset with you and with this girl. Even if they arent the best of friends, they are still in the same social circle, thats how you met her. Plus your ex you have known for years... dont do it to her
Yeah she broke up with you, but dont hook up with her friend!

SO many more girls out there

OS119

Ex's_friend wrote: »

...She broke up with me...

that moment there, thats the bit where you stopped having any need to be remotely concerned with her feelings. she can ask whatever questions she likes, but 'fcuk off!' will be a good answer to any of them.

i certainly wouldn't deny that there aren't fun and games involved, and yes it can be awkward - but she made the choice to be no longer involved in your life, one of the consequences of that choice is that she does not get a say in who you go out with. if she didn't understand that core part of the arrangement she may be wasting her time studying for any further academic qualifications.

this is a big fat red line in the sand; she is just an ex, you have done nothing wrong and she has absolutely no moral right to be put out or to get snotty.

you are adults who can do whatever the fcuk you like, if she doesn't like that, she shouldn't have dumped you.

dirtydress

Ive done this before and though I dont regret it (Friend of ex turned out to be the best relationship Ive ever had) I now no longer am on speaking terms with the ex. He just couldnt get over it and though he still spoke to the friend (after a while) he just couldnt be around me. Be very careful here and think about what a friendship with your ex means to you - if you dont really want to remain close then Id say go for it but otherwise be careful. Maybe have a chat with her before you do anything considering she broke up with you, she may have moved on faster.

Good luck!

eviltwin

Once everyone is okay with it I dont see the problem but just think about nights out and so on ... its going to be very strange for all three of you

I know your ex made the break but I'm betting she wasnt thinking that you would be coming back to haunt her in the guise of her mates new boyfriend.

I would think very carefully about it OP, do you really want the hassle?

minidazzler

If it was me then I would work on the 6 week rule. It's all fair game 6 weeks after a break up, because everyone should in theory be over eachother by then.

Since she's away for a year you have a chance to build a proper relationship before the ex gets back. She can't be mad then. So Go for it!

daveyjoe

minidazzler wrote: »

It's all fair game 6 weeks after a break up, because everyone should in theory be over eachother by then.

Where did you hear that 'theory'? :rolleyes:

I say go for it if your feelings for this girls are real. Be aware of the issues it may cause in their social circle though.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I've no feelings for my ex, she threw away our relationship and after that a lot or things that I wasn't very happy about popped into my head and did make me realise that I'm better off without her. And I am pretty sure that she's "hooked" up with someone over there, we had a chat on the phone a couple of weeks ago.

As for my ex's "social circle" I found over the last year and a half that that's actually something she's really lazy about and puts very little effort into. She often came across as being very false and regularly wouldn't bother replying to friend's texts or calls because she was doing something important like watching National Geographic or something. This was something that popped into my head after we broke up.

As for hassle when she comes back, I don't think she'd stay here for very long. For our whole relationship she constantly bitched about hating the country, the weather, there's nothing to do etc etc and saying that she'd hate being stuck here for the rest of her life. I doubt there'd be very many night's out with those friends!

As for my feelings for the new girl, I really do think they're real, now I just have to get over the old hurdle of telling her and hoping she feels the same way! But that's something I shouldn't need too much advice on at this stage!

Thanks again for the replies so far, anymore?