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Being adopted affecting relationships???

  • 19-10-2009 11:40pm
    Registered Users Posts: 852 ✭✭✭

    Im gonna try keep this as brief as possible....

    Im 24, was adopted after 3 months to the most wonderful parents I could have hoped for. Being adopted has never really bothered me much at all, never thought it affected my life at all really. Til now i havent made any attempt to make contact with birthmom, but thinking about it now....

    Also ive been seeing a girl the last couple of months, first girl in a while ive really liked. However, its getting to the stage now where for some reason things never have worked out for me. I really find myself crippled by the worry that the girl will lose interest.

    Without going into too much detail, im finding this girl is starting to be very hot and cold, its driving me nuts! My mates think im being ridiculous, typical girl thing etc. but i am just waiting for her to stop contacting me altogether as has happened before. Since ive been researching online bout people's experiences of being adopted, I cant shake the feeling that there is something within me that destroys potential relationships, because im adopted. Is this too simplistic? Am I just another guy who messes things up with girls? If not, what can I do to change it?

    One other factor here is that a few weeks ago, this girl said to me that she had heard from someone my brother was adopted. I was like, ye so am i? We were out drinking and she asked why didnt i tell her and i just said it wasnt a big deal etc. Could this have an effect on us? I didnt think so as i meant it at the time, it wasnt a big deal. But now im starting to think it is.

    Thanks for reading this far if you have and I would greatly appreciate any tips people have. Cant bring myself to talk to anyone as candidly on this as i can here.


  • Registered Users Posts: 85 ✭✭trixy

    Hi M

    I used to think like this a long time ago but to be honest. I think the hardest thing is that we don't know any different. Everyone who is adopted, I do believe has some sort of issues with being 'given up' and maybe when you were in a home you were never picked up all the time when you cried etc., I think then as we grow up we are always looking for reassurance from no matter who we are with.

    I am very happily married but I did tell my husband I was adopted very early on, only because he commented that I didn't look like any members of my family.

    Being adopted has many sides to it and its not that black and white, in my opinion most of the experiences have been good, I always felt special and for some reason my husband is very protective of me especially when I done my own search (to no avail). He became very angry with the state , social workers etc as he knew how I felt.

    Only we know how we feel at the end of the day and sometimes that niggling feeling surfaces to think 'is it because I'm adopted'

    There are a lot of people who are not adopted who have awful relationships and can't keep one to save their life.

    If you have fallen for this girl and she is going 'hot and cold', don't think for one minute its because you are adopted you are missing some kind of 'relationship gene', you do really need to speak to her and you may be surprised by her response.

    You should always think that your family came to get you because they really wanted you and your birth mother gave you up as she though you were special enough to have the best life possible.

    To start life with that many people caring for you is a very unique thing and maybe this girl isn't 'the one'. If she is the one and you get to the point of doing a search or just want to speak about it, I really suggest you do. I kept a lot of my feelings hidden and it came out after drinking etc., I used to get very angry at the world, not sure how my husband put up with me.

    I wish you all the best with your relationship