Devastated by the actions of my Fiancé

embermine

I came across emails on the computer, that my fiancé had sent. This was not done on purpose as I would rather have not known. I asked him about it and he said he was doing it for kicks. I do believe him. He has never cheated on me of this I am sure and I know he never would. I have found myself losing all my trust in him.

Pocket Pillager

It's hard to give too much in-depth advice without really knowing what the mails said, but by the way your post is worded it certainly sounds like, even if it wasn't cheating persay, it came about as close to it as it could without being pedantic.

However, some things you said are exceptionally worrying. You said, "He promised me he would delete the email account. I don't know if he will!" If I couldn't believe my bf on this, I would not be able to let it rest until my mind had been 100% put to rest. But how can your mind be put to rest?

You've said: "I told him I am okay. But I don't feel okay." and "He has told me that if I speak of it again, he will end it!"

The only way to make yourself feel better about what has happened is to talk about it until YOU feel that it has been properly put to bed. How is pretending that nothing ever happened going to solve anything? He expects you to take him at his word and never to bring it up again AND to marry him(!) when your sense of trust and security has been so badly dented at his hands?

I can't tell you what you should do because I don't know the dynamics of the relationship, but all I can say is that if it was me I would be walking if I was being denied the opportunity to properly talk about it until my mind was put at ease.

kittenkiller

You poor thing!

Looking passed whatever you found on the PC, his actions to reassure you haven't been top notch to say the least.
Threatening you with breaking up over even talking about something that has upset you so much is very cruel.

There doesn't seem to be a timeline mentioned in your post, but my only advice is that if it happened ages ago, and you've said you were ok with everything, but you're still bringing it up, things might be very frustrating for your bf.

I think you should sit down with him, give him warning about what you want to talk about and then be honest with him.
Tell him that you're *not* ok with everything, and that you have some questions/things to say about it, that you need his reassurance and some tlc for the next while.

But if you don't feel that you can get past everything that's happened, then there's no point in staying with someone out of habit only to end up torturing them with a mistake made too long ago for it to be important.

If it's a very recent thing, then you have every right to be angry and upset and his threats are nothing but heartless and you'd be better off without him.
You can be strong on your own and you can find someone else to trust given time.

Best of luck OP, I hope it all works out for the best.

opinion guy

Hey OP
have to say I'm really feeling for you since you are obviously hurting even thou you're not saying very much. I'm reluctant to say much back thou since as others point you theres a lot you haven't told us. May I ask:
Did you have much discussion with him about this with you BF, or was it his initial reaction to say he'd leave if you insisted to talk about it ?
Does he know how down you are about this ?
What were the nature of the emails?
Did he apologise ?

Terodil

sunflower27 wrote: »

WHAT?!?!?!

OMG, how controlling is this guy. [...] I'd really question whether this man is good enough for you.

I think you're shooting out of the hip, and too fast, too.

As OpinionGuy said, the OP seems rather disjointed and full of holes, so much, in fact, that drawing conclusions especially of the calibre you do here is difficult at best and irresponsible at worst.

Yes, his behaviour does seem a bit callous but it does not have to be. E.g. if he apologised before and did stop the behaviour, and she forgave him (both of which we know nothing about), and she still brought the issue up repeatedly then I can empathise. There's the danger that she's burdening him with the emotional weight of the rape in the past, which, to a degree, he'll have to bear for her sake and the sake of their relationship, but which can also become overwhelming and injust/emotional blackmail material past a certain point. I was actually surprised the OP brought the rape up in the first place since it's many years ago and not related to the issue at hand at all.

So, let me quote OpinionGuy again:

opinion guy wrote: »

May I ask:
Did you have much discussion with him about this with you BF, or was it his initial reaction to say he'd leave if you insisted to talk about it ?
Does he know how down you are about this ?
What were the nature of the emails?
Did he apologise ?

OP, it would definitely help if you could respond to these questions because we're just stabbing around in the murk otherwise.

kittenkiller

sunflower27 wrote: »

By the sounds of it the OP sounds incredibly fragile - who wouldnt want to know their partner was up to something dodgy - that seems quite sad to me. Having a fiance threaten to dump her is way OTT and incredibly controlling IMO.

We don't know the facts of it though.
The OP's OH could have said, "Honey, I'm really concerned that if you can't get over this after we've been through everything over and over again, that you'll never be able to trust me and there's no future in out relationship."
Which was taken as don't talk about this again or I'll dump you...

Until the OP gets back to us, we won't know any of the facts really.

Beruthiel

embermine wrote: »

He has told me that if I speak of it again, he will end it!

Seriously. That just screams controling asshole.
You are allowing him to dictate how you should behave.
You are allowing him to control you.
NEVER allow anyone take control of how you should and shouldn't behave.
Cut that out right NOW!

I wish I could talk to him, without feeling so scared.

You are going to marry a man that you cannot talk to because you are scared of his reaction?
Does that sound like a fantastic, caring, loving relationship to you?

The person you should be able to talk to more than anyone else in the world, is the person you choose to marry.
Otherwise, it will be a long and lonely relationship.

Think long and hard about this relationship.

opinion guy

@sunflower27, @beruthiel

The interpretation both you guys are taking had occurred to me and no doubt others too. As pointed out by others thou, OP hasn't really given us alot to go on and we could just be stabbing around in the murk. Given that this is one possible scenario, and that OP has some painful experience, that this guy 'is the only person who I trust' and that OP may not really have had someone listen to her story before, it occurs that just maybe us all going on a rant and TELLING her stuff we think about the situation, especially when we don't know very much, might not be very productive to the OP. Might actually be playing into the same pattern of control (if it exists) to have a bunch of strangers with opinions tell her she should think X or should do Y. Seems to me what OP needs right now is to be listened to more than anything.



Embermine, I was really hoping you might tell us a little more. Not out of any type of nosiness on my part. But because we'd really like to listen to what you are feeling so that we can help you as best we can and I think for you to express your fears is important. We don't want to be giving you bad advice after all and I think we could give you the best advice with a bit more information. Of course its up to you how much you might feel like sharing with us, but i can assure you right here and now we are on your side, we want to listen and we're willing to help if we can Alot of people on here are feeling for you right now I'll wager

Wibbs

kittenkiller wrote: »

We don't know the facts of it though.
The OP's OH could have said, "Honey, I'm really concerned that if you can't get over this after we've been through everything over and over again, that you'll never be able to trust me and there's no future in out relationship."
Which was taken as don't talk about this again or I'll dump you...

Until the OP gets back to us, we won't know any of the facts really.

I wholeheartedly agree. I'm not a controlling arsehole type in relationship. Not by a long shot. I'm very easy going. To a fault and to my cost at times too in the past, but I do have boundaries such as they are. If a situation came up where I was accused of something untoward and I explained myself fully and that was picked at again and again, I would say exactly what kittenkiller has outlined above. I would be dead right too. IME and I'm projecting here, cow towing to this kind of thing for the quiet life tends to lead to anything but.

While quite a few, too many, men can be accused of being insecure control freaks, quite a few women, too many, can also be accused of not letting things bloody well lie and picking at things over and over again based on their own insecurities. Both can be accused of getting the wrong end of the stick equally.

As opinion guy has said and I agree with him, until the OP clarifies what was actually said, then all some are doing is projecting their own experiences. Maybe not helpfully either.

Terodil

embermine wrote: »

I came across emails on the computer, that my fiancé had sent. This was not done on purpose as I would rather have not known. I asked him about it and he said he was doing it for kicks. I do believe him. He has never cheated on me of this I am sure and I know he never would. I have found myself losing all my trust in him. My confidence level has completely hit rock bottom and I feel so hurt. He promised me he would delete the email account. I don't know if he will! I told him I am okay. But I don't feel okay. I am a rape victim and he is the only person who I trust. We have been together for years. I just needed to tell someone. He has told me that if I speak of it again, he will end it! I wish I could talk to him, without feeling so scared.

The 'it' is more than ambiguous. Is 'it':
a/ the incident at hand (the emails we don't know about)
b/ the problem of trust, on a fundamental level
c/ her doubts about him keeping his promise of deleting the email account
d/ her history (incl. rape)
e/ a subset/all of the above
f/ ...

cafecolour

Reading your post, I'd really suggest counseling (did you ever get rape counseling?). Even with the most perfect of fiance's - which yours is clearly not - not being able to trust or confide in anyone but him is a bit unhealthy, and is extremely worrying if he is the controlling sort. Do you not have any close female friends you can confide in, or similar?

Wibbs

embermine wrote: »

I came across emails on the computer, that my fiancé had sent. This was not done on purpose as I would rather have not known. I asked him about it and he said he was doing it for kicks.

Ok this is or sounds dodgy. I'm assuming emails to another woman or women. Either way dodgy without one helluva explanation and apology.

I do believe him. He has never cheated on me of this I am sure and I know he never would.

I have found myself losing all my trust in him.

Regardless of the emails, those two statements are at odds with each other. You either trust him or you don't. You either believe him or you don't.

My confidence level has completely hit rock bottom and I feel so hurt.

Understandable.

He promised me he would delete the email account. I don't know if he will!

Again you don't believe him or have serious enough doubts. You say he's never cheated or proved himself untrustworthy before. OK this, if its a new thing is a blow, I get that but why do you feel these conflicting feelings?

I told him I am okay. But I don't feel okay.

Again conflicting, though I can understand this one as you don't want to escalate it by saying "hey buttmunch, I dont feel ok".

I am a rape victim and he is the only person who I trust.

Yet it seems you don't now, or are just not sure, confused and upset. And rightfully if no real explanation nor apology was given.

He has told me that if I speak of it again, he will end it! I wish I could talk to him, without feeling so scared.

OK what do you think you're scared of? Everyone seems hell bent on assuming the easy answer, that you're afraid of him. Could you be more scared of losing the trust of the one person you thought you could trust, even if it appears he's broken that trust? Could you be more scared of losing him full stop, even if he has been a dick? For me that's actually more scary a position to be in. Being scared that someone will abuse you etc, is damned scary of course, but being scared to lose a reality you always believed in, to lose your rudder as it were. That's scarier. It's scarier as it leaves you open to real control freaks. No one can ever control or abuse you if you feel you can always walk away if it came up.

cafecolour has a point. Counseling is an option. To get to the root of your trust issues. On every level. IMHO Nothing to do with your fiancee actually, or very little.