Should i walk away?

LegacyUser

I'm 27 ans have just met a 41 year old guy, it was clear from the start we had chemistry, i was flirting more than him and i had no idea if he was single or not but after a while i'd noticed he never mentioned a wife or girlfriend, didn't wear a ring etc so i made my move! He said he was really flattered but had a lot of baggage and would like to meet up to talk about it.....so, we met up, went for a walk and it really just felt like i'd known him my whole life and he was just about to kiss me when he said he would have to explain his situation first....so, he's unhappily married and lives with his wife in separate bedrooms and their 3 kids - the youngest is 2 but he says they just had a once off night of passion when she was conceived and they haven't slept together since. He was also going out with a girl for 3 years who has since gone back to the UK where she is from but she gave birth to a child for him in Febuary...

I felt happy he was being so honest, he knew i was taken aback by it all because i really thought he was single - or at least spearated and I have never been involved in anyone or anything like that. Anyway, i just really like him so I kissed him, he came back to mine and we chatted for a further 5 hours, he answered all my questions and was so open about everything. I feel like i could talk to him forever and it feels like he is being genuine.

I was going to sleep on it but as soon as i woke up today he rang me to say he was on his way over, we sat together for 3 hours.....I've never liked anyone like this before but I don't wanna be a mug. I dread to explain this situation to my friends or my parents etc. They will totally freak out as I would if I heard something similar from them,

Am i playing with fire here?

D rog

Well you know the answer to that yourself. Yes you are playing with fire.
Not just fire, someone's husband, someone's dad and as well some other poor souls affair. Do you really think getting mixed up in all that is a good idea?

Isn't he brilliant for being so open? Eh no. Nice pretence so that you can kid yourself everything is above board. He sounds thoroughly awful- are you really attracted to someone like that?

You should walk away, surely you think you're worth more than this?

Miss Fluff

ahwhyme wrote: »

...so, he's unhappily married and lives with his wife in separate bedrooms and their 3 kids - the youngest is 2 but he says they just had a once off night of passion when she was conceived and they haven't slept together since.

What a corker lol. You don't seriously believe that do you OP? One of the oldest lines in the book.

I reckon this charming individal has even more skeletons in the cupboard, so get involved at your peril.

snowy2008

dont walk away, run away as fast as you can, this man is a loser, his poor wife and kids, you can do alot better, ignore his calls and forget him, you'll meet someone else

opinion guy

Run like the wind.

He's married with kids. He's had a previous affair and another kid. Now don't you think he also told affair num 1 that he was unhappy etc etc. Yet he didn't leave wife. Affair num one is now bringing up kid by herself.

Do you want to be affair num 2 (assuming there haven't been others he neglected to mention)? Do you want to be bringing up a kid by yourself ?

I'll say it again for emphasis:

Run like the wind.

squonk

Yup, leaving aside the wife and kids, the fact that there is another girl in the picture who's bringing up his kid by herself is just bad on it's own. Now throw in the wife, the unhappy marriage, the kids, the youngest who's the result of a random night of passion... honestly, OP, if you were Eusain Bolt you couldn't run away from this sitation fast enough!

Oh The Humanity

lol @ 'a once off night of passion' -Im afraid thats what they all say OP.

Also, he seems to have no problem sleeping with people without protection (2 babies in 2 years) so he could be riddled with all sorts.

Steer well clear of this mess!

Peggypeg

Ok, I very rarely so easily hop on the band wagon but I have to say I agree "RUN LIKE THE WIND". Let's just assume that he isn't the total scum he sounds like, let's give him the benefit of the doubt, at the absolute best you can hope for is to be the number 5 most important thing in his life, coz believe me sweetie the children will take the top spots, being involved with a father (leaving out the husband aspect) means cancelled holidays, cancelled nights out, tantrums, jealousy from the kids, I'm telling ya it's a nightmare, you can forget fun, run run run!! To be honest though I think he's feeding you a line, "wow, never felt like this" (even when he was with the MOTHERS of his children?), so eager he's coming over to see you, don't let yourself be flattered here sweetie he is defo feeding you a line. You posted on here because I'd say you knew yourself that you should not be involved with this married father of four. If he's really so very honest and upfront, test him; Tell him you really like him but you want to see his home life and see that he really is separate from his wife, ask to go over for dinner as a family friend, you'll soon see him show his true colours.

Seriously sweetie, save yourself a world of pain and grief, Run!!

embermine

It depends completely on how much you are willing to give of yourself to make it work.

LegacyUser

Had to post when I read this for two reasons:

1. Cannot believe women are STILL falling for the "My wife and I live seperate lives" line-has he not heard of divorcing number one before hooking up with someone else?
2. What can the OP possibly get from this "relationship"?

Girl, run, run, run. He is feeding you a line that someone who "had a baby for him" (how nice of her) already fell for and is suffering for, he meanwhile had no qualms about meeting up with you and cheating on his wife. If you decide to start something with him you are setting yourself up for the most unsatisfying relationship (if you could even call it that) you could possibly ask for.
Married men have been trotting out this cr"p since marriage was introduced and I can't believe women continue to fall for it. You deserve better than someone who's already proved he can't maintain an adult relationship. Delete his number, do not contact him and find someone else.

kittenkiller

He must be a very charming man!
That's why he has kids/wives/girlfriends all over the place.

If you're not already emotionally involved, run for the hills!
This guy is bad news!
You're only going to end up hurt or at least very very stressed by everything going on around him.

Ask yourself a few questions...
If he was a habitual adulterer, what would he have told you about his life?
How likely is it that his missus got pregnant after one night of half-hearted passion?
Why did his newest baby-mama move away from him with his child?

From your post, he seems like nothing but bad news.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I'm 26, was in a similar situation myself for over a year (he was 17 years older than me), they have separate beds, hardly ever talk, he's only sticking round for the kids sake, and will leave her "when the times right". He's being open and honest, in the hopes that you'll stick around for him, and he knows he has (yet another?!) woman falling for him, hook, line and sinker. It's one thing to know about a "separate" wife, but to know he has an ex with a child too, is just as worrying.

It's a miserable existence, knowingly being "the other woman", even if he tells you all this crap about being separate in a marriage, he still lives with his "family", he still is *technically* married in the eyes of the law, and more importantly for you, in the eyes of the society/community you're in. To Joe Public, it looks like you're the homewrecker-he's made the public choice to stay with his wife, she's the one who people associate him with.

If he's as serious as he says he is, tell him to prove it. Tell him that you're not comfortable being with a guy living with his "ex"wife and their children, and that when he's moved out/settling somewhere else, but that for now, it's not good enough for you. He will tell you that it's gonna take him time, and that he feels so comfortable with you, despite the age difference etc.

I'm not gonna give you all the "imagine his poor wife guff" but I will tell you this, from my experience, to get the phonecall/text that tells you they know all about you, they hate your guts, it's all your fault, and their husband would still be happy if he hadn't met a "tramp/whore/etc" like you, is *not* a pleasant feeling. You will (in my experience) feel physically ill, dreading the phone beeping/ringing, or realising that someday, you may meet her in public, and have to go through all that again.

Nor does it make you feel any better when you meet up with him to discuss this, and he starts the spoofing of "we've started to work things out/she's just jealous of you" etc.
For your own sake, I would tell you to avoid this situation like the plague, you're worth far more than this. I went through hell after my situation, and I'm only now (2 years later) starting to feel better about it. Still feel crap for her, feel hatred for him, and totally angry at myself for believing all his crap, but such is life, we live and learn.

Best of luck honey, with whatever choice you make, it'll be tough either way, but if you stay well clear, you'll be better off in the long run. (imo!)

opinion guy

kittenkiller wrote: »

If you're not already emotionally involved, run for the hills!

Good advice. And if you are already emotionally involved, run for the hills!

mood

RUN RUN RUN.

Sephiroth_dude

Walk away op your playing with fire.

LegacyUser

OP..Im a 43 year old man, divorced (but happily in a relationship !!) and I can smell a rat miles away...this is EXACTLY what guys my age would do with young vulnerable girls..life experience has shown him exactly what to say and how to behave around you to reel you in...I know exactky what to say to women to make them interested (but dont!!), so does he...believe me when I say ... He's only a player..run away now !!

I was unhappily married ... I left
I've been separated years..I dont have ANY other kids except for my daughter from my marriage
If I was mad about someone and she left for UK with my child...I'd go with her !!

RUN AWAY NOW

LegacyUser

Hey OP here....

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Um, oddly enough when i made my original post I wasn't questioning anything he told me...I mean, it seemed pretty messed up as it was - why would he lie - but the response here seems to be fairly unanimous


I would have loved for everyone to reply and say - give the guy a chance, he was honest with you, he deserves a bit of happiness etc etc but I think I kinda know I deserve better than that.

I really do feel smitten so I'll tell him tomorrow to call me when he and his wife are separated/divorced.....otherwise i'm not interested, then i won't hold my breath

Thanks all

kittenkiller

ahwhyme wrote: »

Hey OP here....

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Um, oddly enough when i made my original post I wasn't questioning anything he told me...I mean, it seemed pretty messed up as it was - why would he lie - but the response here seems to be fairly unanimous


I would have loved for everyone to reply and say - give the guy a chance, he was honest with you, he deserves a bit of happiness etc etc but I think I kinda know I deserve better than that.

I really do feel smitten so I'll tell him tomorrow to call me when he and his wife are separated/divorced.....otherwise i'm not interested, then i won't hold my breath

Thanks all

Fair play to you OP.
You're making the smart choice.
I'm sure it'll all work out for the best.

D rog

It will be the right thing to do in the long run.

sunnyside

Men like this kind of fascinate me because:

kittenkiller wrote: »

He must be a very charming man!
That's why he has kids/wives/girlfriends all over the place.

.

They have massive amounts of charm and it's really easy to fall for it. Being older and having years of experience of dealing with women, women always feel really comfortable around them and therefore fall for them really easily. The guys are all personality and great fun to be around but of course the reality is

Peggypeg wrote: »

Let's just assume that he isn't the total scum he sounds like,

It's usually an older woman who will see straight through it.

seahorse

sunnyside wrote: »

It's usually an older woman who will see straight through it.

Fukin Amen to that.

I don't have much to add to what's been said here OP; the only thing I'd say is that you've got very solid advice on this thread and I hope you stick to your intentions and listen to it.

You should say exactly what you've suggested saying to this man. Be prepared though for the fact that you will either never hear from him again or you will have him contact you to coerce you into having an affair - you can be prepared for that phonecall!

calahans

I was involved with someone who told me that herself and the partner were broke up and that they were still living together (seperate bedrooms) because of a house purchase.

I liked her so we went on for about two weeks until I got a phone call from the boyfriend who was not an ex! I dropped her and they got engaged about two months later!!

RUN RUN RUN

dublingal80

ahwhyme wrote: »

I'm 27 ans have just met a 41 year old guy, it was clear from the start we had chemistry, i was flirting more than him and i had no idea if he was single or not but after a while i'd noticed he never mentioned a wife or girlfriend, didn't wear a ring etc so i made my move! He said he was really flattered but had a lot of baggage and would like to meet up to talk about it.....so, we met up, went for a walk and it really just felt like i'd known him my whole life and he was just about to kiss me when he said he would have to explain his situation first....so, he's unhappily married and lives with his wife in separate bedrooms and their 3 kids - the youngest is 2 but he says they just had a once off night of passion when she was conceived and they haven't slept together since. He was also going out with a girl for 3 years who has since gone back to the UK where she is from but she gave birth to a child for him in Febuary...

I felt happy he was being so honest, he knew i was taken aback by it all because i really thought he was single - or at least spearated and I have never been involved in anyone or anything like that. Anyway, i just really like him so I kissed him, he came back to mine and we chatted for a further 5 hours, he answered all my questions and was so open about everything. I feel like i could talk to him forever and it feels like he is being genuine.

I was going to sleep on it but as soon as i woke up today he rang me to say he was on his way over, we sat together for 3 hours.....I've never liked anyone like this before but I don't wanna be a mug. I dread to explain this situation to my friends or my parents etc. They will totally freak out as I would if I heard something similar from them,

Am i playing with fire here?

one word... yes

you are 27 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you! If he is so unhappy, why is he not separated from the wife, or filing for a divorce. If he hasnt left her yet, he prob wont. And to have a girlfriend on he side too, for THREE YEARS who he made pregnant too....
do you really want to be that girl 3 years down the road... 30 and a single mother?

vandermeyde

So while "going out" with a girl, he "cheated" on her with his wife which resulted in them having a baby. Then subsequently he had another baby with the "girlfriend".

He's a right piece of work.

Walk away, quickly!

martdalto

vandermeyde wrote: »

So while "going out" with a girl, he "cheated" on her with his wife which resulted in them having a baby. Then subsequently he had another baby with the "girlfriend".

He's a right piece of work.

Walk away, quickly!

Good point! Ok assume he IS seperated from his wife.. he was going out with this girl for 3 years, and has a 2 year old with his wife after "one night of passion".. so in a "moment of weakness", "a momentary lapse in concentration" he cheated on his girlfriend, with the wife that he has no feelings for???

It might be a fair assumption to make, that his girlfriend left for the UK when she found out his wife had had another baby? I'd guess he wasn't very "open and honest" about it at the time, because I can't imagine her sticking around long enough to get pregnant herself after finding out that the wife he's seperated from, was pregnant with his child.. while he's going out with her?

OP, I know it must be heart breaking for you, and there's nothing to say that he isn't attracted to you and feels the same connection you do. But if he really wants it, he will prove it to you.

My guess...? We all know what is really going to happen.

My heart is breaking for his wife and kids, and you OP. Delete his number from your phone.

Darthhoob

ahwhyme wrote: »

Hey OP here....

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

Um, oddly enough when i made my original post I wasn't questioning anything he told me...I mean, it seemed pretty messed up as it was - why would he lie - but the response here seems to be fairly unanimous


I would have loved for everyone to reply and say - give the guy a chance, he was honest with you, he deserves a bit of happiness etc etc but I think I kinda know I deserve better than that.

I really do feel smitten so I'll tell him tomorrow to call me when he and his wife are separated/divorced.....otherwise i'm not interested, then i won't hold my breath

Thanks all

thing is, as the poster above you said. men that age know what to say. some young men tend to be seen as liars, well liars grow up realising that a woman appreciats honesty. so now he is telling you the truth, at least enough 'truth' to make you think "well at least he is being open and honest"

bingo he gets you in the sack...well...not yet but it obviously worked before on that other girl. that's why that line is an old one...cos it's worked many a time in the past for many men. (AND women btw...i say men alot cos this thread is about a man but women do it too)

you need to run hun, it's too much hassle, he is married, with kids! and has had a long term affair before..and didn't leave his wife during that (even made a baby with her) so there is no future worth having for you. plenty of nice decent single men out there who would deserve you you are obviously a smart lady for asking for advice instead of just doing it like many people x