How do I talk her out of this type of 'entrapment'?

LegacyUser

A close friend of mine is convinced her partner is playing away and has decided to lay traps for him left and right to see does he take the bait. i.e. pretending to be some random woman gagging for it on a site he visits and all this sort of jazz. She tells me she hasn’t been able to get her hands on his mobile to do a bit of old-fashioned snooping as he’s so guarded about it, which is half the reason she’s suspicious in the first place. Also he’s arriving in at odd hours, knocking the phone off when he’s out and all the usual type of dubious cheating signs.

Of course I’ve put it to her that maybe she might want to consider whether she wants to be in the type of relationship where she feels this sort of trickery is necessary, but she loves the guy and it’s like talking to a stone wall.

I’m posting about this because I have a feeling that she may be doing her relationship more harm than good. I’ve a feeling that, being as she knows the guy, she’ll be able to know how to reel him in with her in the role of the ‘other woman’. I’ve a feeling she’d do a far better job of this than the fictitious women she’s inventing, if she existed! Basically I don’t think the results of this type of deception are reliable. I mean, with her knowing his likes and dislikes and all whatever sexual buzz goes on between them and all the rest of that jazz, how can she expect that the results of her little experiment will prove anything real to her? How can she suppose that they’re reliable so that she can then say to herself ‘Ah yeah, now I have the proof of what he’s really up to when I’m not looking?’

What I’m hearing sounds like entrapment to me and I’ve told her so but she’s certain if he falls for this stunt that marks him out as a cheating bollocks, end of story. I’m close to her and I like him also but I’m not too comfortable at all with what I’m watching unfold. Was hoping maybe some of the readers here will have some stronger arguments than I’ve previously come up with to talk her out of what she’s about to do. Thanks.

Beetlebum

warywitness wrote: »

A close friend of mine is convinced her partner is playing away and has decided to lay traps for him left and right to see does he take the bait. i.e. pretending to be some random woman gagging for it on a site he visits and all this sort of jazz. She tells me she hasn’t been able to get her hands on his mobile to do a bit of old-fashioned snooping as he’s so guarded about it, which is half the reason she’s suspicious in the first place. Also he’s arriving in at odd hours, knocking the phone off when he’s out and all the usual type of dubious cheating signs.

Of course I’ve put it to her that maybe she might want to consider whether she wants to be in the type of relationship where she feels this sort of trickery is necessary, but she loves the guy and it’s like talking to a stone wall.

I’m posting about this because I have a feeling that she may be doing her relationship more harm than good. I’ve a feeling that, being as she knows the guy, she’ll be able to know how to reel him in with her in the role of the ‘other woman’. I’ve a feeling she’d do a far better job of this than the fictitious women she’s inventing, if she existed! Basically I don’t think the results of this type of deception are reliable. I mean, with her knowing his likes and dislikes and all whatever sexual buzz goes on between them and all the rest of that jazz, how can she expect that the results of her little experiment will prove anything real to her? How can she suppose that they’re reliable so that she can then say to herself ‘Ah yeah, now I have the proof of what he’s really up to when I’m not looking?’

What I’m hearing sounds like entrapment to me and I’ve told her so but she’s certain if he falls for this stunt that marks him out as a cheating bollocks, end of story. I’m close to her and I like him also but I’m not too comfortable at all with what I’m watching unfold. Was hoping maybe some of the readers here will have some stronger arguments than I’ve previously come up with to talk her out of what she’s about to do. Thanks.

Well, it sounds like she's made her mind up to do it so I doubt there's much you can do or say to stop her.

If I was you, I'd tell her my concerns and maybe point out that if she distrusts him this much maybe she shouldn't be going out with him or maybe suggest she talks to him about her fears so he can reassure her.

Aside from that I'd keep out of it an djust be there for her if it all goes spectacularly wrong which I imagine it will! Even if he does go for this 'other women', once she freaks out and tells him it's really her, he'll call her a pyco and dump her anyway!

Bad idea but she is an adult so let her at it..

shellyboo

Yeah, just make your feelings clear. Tell her she's possibly damaging her relationship when there may be nothing wrong with it at all - and leave her off. You can't change her mind.

embermine

This sounds super suspicious. But it is a very bad idea to lay traps. What has happened to good old honesty and communication?

Terodil

Blimey, she's wrecking the relationship on nothing but a suspicion.

OP, I feel for you, you are in a terrible situation. Fair play to you for mentioning it to her and quite possibly taking a lot of heat from her for it too.

What to do in this case? She obviously trusts you enough to talk with you about all this stuff, but you also see that she's damaging herself (and the dude in question, if he's done nothing wrong). You have a few options:

a. ignore the whole charade from now on
b. try to convince her to stop it herself
c. tell her bf and sabotage her charade

Both b and c will help neither them nor you. b will probably make her hate you and believe that you're in league with whatever phantom woman there may be (or even believe that you are her!). c would stop this whole messing about, which is right, but it would also tear down everything else around you.

I think you only really have a -- ignore it and let her run to her doom.

That said, she's behaving immature and childish to the extreme. I don't know if I would like to be there for her if she did manage to pull everything around herself down, despite your dire warnings. She's not only hurting herself, she's hurting him and she's hurting you. Just because she cannot talk to him.

Oh The Humanity

I would just let her get on with it.

LegacyUser

In fairness to her Terodil, she has good reason to be suspicious from what I can see, and also she has confronted him. Predictably, he's denied anything sussy going on.

I still dont think what she's doing is the right idea though because, as I've said, I just dont see that'll it'll prove anything meaningful to her. She is adamant that his response to this will prove a very great deal to her and in the face of his denials, she sees it as the only course of action left.

I guess most posters are right and all I can do is sit back and watch the fireworks. Pity though, I would have liked to have been able to change her mind on this issue.

shellyboo

She's convinced herself that he's cheating. So she's going to try to "trick him" and lay traps and generally act like a mental case until she gets "proof".

She's going to drive him to cheat, just to satisfy her own hunch. If you want to, and if you think she's capable of taking that on board - tell her. But it sounds to me like her mind is made up, on him and on what she's going to do. Personally, if I suspected that strongly that a partner was cheating, I'd be gone, proof or not. That's no way to live your life.

LegacyUser

Well, she is set on this course and there is nothing you can do about it as I imagine you've already had the chat about how damaging it is.

When I was younger I did that sort of thing myself and now wouldn't dream of it cause I've learned for myself that theres never a good outcome. But nobody could convince me back then.

So, the best you could be is a good friend. Voice your concerns again if you feel the need but perhaps tell her that everytime she feels like snooping she should try to distract herself instead. If you are too 'down' on her she will stop speaking openly about whats going on. Perhaps suggest counselling. Or encourage her to look at the problem a different way - she should focus instead on her own life, concentrate on hobbies... try to pull back from the relationship. Easier said than done. But ultimately she probably has to make her own mistakes.

thefeatheredcat

Whatever happens, don't let yourself get dragged in between them or used in any of the 'traps' by either one - it's going to get muddy.

Give the advice, but otherwise just be supportive of her outside of this situation.

LegacyUser

I thought readers might be interested to hear how this whole mess panned out - well, she caught him good and proper! Not only did he take the bait within days but she got a hold of his phone too and found cast-iron evidence of what she'd been suspecting all along.

I guess the moral of the story is if you know something in your guts you should listen to your guts! I'm glad I didn't manage to talk her out of it now, and she has got rid of him, fair play to her.