What's wrong with me?

LegacyUser

Hi

I am almost 30. I am a very nice girl with good friends and a good career. But I have a huge problem when it comes to meeting a boyfriend. I seem to sabotage every potential opportunity I get to have a relationship and I get dumped. I have never had the chance to have a proper long term relationship with anyone.

When I meet guys, they back off me straight away or within a few weeks with the same excuse. They all told me that I texted and contacted them too much and that they couldn't handle it. They make me feel like a stalker.

I'm not talking about a barage of texts being sent every day...I would send maybe one text every second day. But without fail, they always back off when I show I am interested and say the same thing. I really have come to hate the dating scene in Ireland and I am losing hope. There seems to be a very fine line between appearing desperate and interested to Irish men.

Maybe I'm going for the wrong guys? But its all the time...so I'm begining to feel like I really am the problem here.Usually I'm the one doing all the chasing. Overall, my dating experience makes me feel like a freak and I feel like I'm never going to meet someone who actually wants to be with me. All my friends are in relationships, settling down, getting married etc...and I have to put up with excuses like this.

But the problem doesn't end there...when I get the usual rejection from them, I always text them afterwards for a couple weeks especially when I am drunk and that makes me look like a total psycho. I want to stop this. Has anyone else been in this situation or have you dated girls like me? Am I alone in this?

mood

Try letting the guy do the chasing and see what happens. If a guy is into you he will do the running, if he is not he won't, simple as that (generally speaking of course).

Colonel_McCoy

In future if you are texting a guy you just met, just text to arrange a meeting\date and leave it at that. If he wants to text you he will otherwise do all your talking face to face on the date.

Miss Fluff

feelstupid wrote: »

Usually I'm the one doing all the chasing. Overall, my dating experience makes me feel like a freak and I feel like I'm never going to meet someone who actually wants to be with me. All my friends are in relationships, settling down, getting married etc...and I have to put up with excuses like this.

It's probably coming accross to these guys that you really want to settle down and that would be offputting to most people imho. Why the need to chase these guys? Are you saying that if they don't contact you in a day or two you feel compelled to contact them? That would make a lot of people turn on their heels as they will think you desperate. If you actually stepped away from the texting they probably would have texted you anyway. Give them the chance to miss you girl!!!

And for goodness sake delete their numbers when they break it off. Drunkenly contacting them after them breaking up with you will only confirm in their heads that you are too intense.

Try to relax and have fun instead.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

It's probably coming accross to these guys that you really want to settle down and that would be offputting to most people imho. Why the need to chase these guys? Are you saying that if they don't contact you in a day or two you feel compelled to contact them? That would make a lot of people turn on their heels as they will think you desperate. If you actually stepped away from the texting they probably would have texted you anyway. Give them the chance to miss you girl!!!

And for goodness sake delete their numbers when they break it off. Drunkenly contacting them after them breaking up with you will only confirm in their heads that you are too intense.

Try to relax and have fun instead.

Yes, I contact them after a couple days if I don't hear from them. It seems ridiculous that something so small as a friendly "how are you" can put someone off you. Suddenly you're intense, a stalker, a bunny boiler. It's awful :-( Yes, my clock is ticking. I want to settle, get married. I want to know someone a number of years before I do that. I'm too old to be arsing about dating 20 different guys a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I don't find the Irish dating scene fun at all, Miss Fluff :-(

minidazzler

OP, the day they reject you, delete their numbers, texting and calling will make you look a bit nuts when they say they are not interested!

Where are you meeting these people? If it's in a pub/club situation then don't. Thats a terrible place to meet a partner these days in general.

Maybe try your hand at internet dating, I have heard of people getting good results from that!!!

The trick is, if they don't respond to a text one day, wait 3 days, leave the ball in their court, then text them once more, No reply, delete number.

jellyboy

Hi op,
Great news,theres nothing wrong with you....

your not a stalker ,desparte, or any of the labels that society might want to attach to you...from what i have read its perfectlly natural to want kids ,partner and to be held as the sun dips and the moon rises...

if anything u are guillty of wearing your heart on ur sleeve and to some people that can be scary to be so free and honest....

the druken txts ,i have done umpteen times and its a part of life....

a word of warning,,,,try not to make the exs problem yours....

your beautfill and warm inside....embrace you and life(damm those walks on the beach).....:D

LegacyUser

minidazzler wrote: »

OP, the day they reject you, delete their numbers, texting and calling will make you look a bit nuts when they say they are not interested!

Where are you meeting these people? If it's in a pub/club situation then don't. Thats a terrible place to meet a partner these days in general.

Maybe try your hand at internet dating, I have heard of people getting good results from that!!!

The trick is, if they don't respond to a text one day, wait 3 days, leave the ball in their court, then text them once more, No reply, delete number.

Thanks for reply.

Yes, I always meet them in pubs/clubs. Every single night I go out, I get chatted up and someone always asks me for my number but nothing ever comes of it. I have no other way of meeting guys. I don't have any male friends who I can be just friends with and get to know other guys through. None of my friends know any single guys! It's hard to meet someone when you miss the boat in your early 20s. I really don't think I will ever be taken off the shelf.

Is there anything on facebook where you can meet people? I just cring at the thoughts of doing internet dating or singles nights. No one else I know has had to resort to things like that. They all met people through friends, college...

I feel very alone in this.

LegacyUser

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op,
Great news,theres nothing wrong with you....

your not a stalker ,desparte, or any of the labels that society might want to attach to you...from what i have read its perfectlly natural to want kids ,partner and to be held as the sun dips and the moon rises...

if anything u are guillty of wearing your heart on ur sleeve and to some people that can be scary to be so free and honest....

the druken txts ,i have done umpteen times and its a part of life....

a word of warning,,,,try not to make the exs problem yours....

your beautfill and warm inside....embrace you and life(damm those walks on the beach).....:D

Thanks Jellyboy. Very kind advice :-)

PeakOutput

make them chase you as a guy i can indeed confirm that we want to be the one chasing 99% of the time

rightly or wrongly, speaking from personal experience if it is very obvious that the girl is very interested very quickly after meeting her it dosnt really matter how good looking they are i will lose at least a little attraction

your first paragraph says you have trouble 'meeting boyfriends'. i dont think this is the right attitude really you should be going out to meet people and if one turns into a boyfriend great and if no1 does then you still have a cool larger circle of friends that will introduce you to more people.

i think you should tell yourself you are going to forget about trying to meet a boyfriend for the next 6 months, your not going to make yourself too available and your not going to chase anyone for the next 6 months. then just be yourself and have fun and i bet you will find what your looking for

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote: »

make them chase you as a guy i can indeed confirm that we want to be the one chasing 99% of the time

rightly or wrongly, speaking from personal experience if it is very obvious that the girl is very interested very quickly after meeting her it dosnt really matter how good looking they are i will lose at least a little attraction

your first paragraph says you have trouble 'meeting boyfriends'. i dont think this is the right attitude really you should be going out to meet people and if one turns into a boyfriend great and if no1 does then you still have a cool larger circle of friends that will introduce you to more people.

i think you should tell yourself you are going to forget about trying to meet a boyfriend for the next 6 months, your not going to make yourself too available and your not going to chase anyone for the next 6 months. then just be yourself and have fun and i bet you will find what your looking for

Thanks. Ok, I will try this but the problem is any guy I meet or talk to in a friendly way tries it on with me. Even one guy that I was on a friendly with for a few years tried it on a while ago and I've had to avoid him since then. I seem to hit alot of brick walls...

winking weber

Feelstupid wrote: »

Yes, my clock is ticking. I want to settle, get married. I want to know someone a number of years before I do that. I'm too old to be arsing about dating 20 different guys a year. It's emotionally exhausting.

I don't find the Irish dating scene fun at all, Miss Fluff :-(

Hi OP. Same age same position as you, maybe I'm not the best person to offer advice, but this screamed out at me. It seems that you're putting a lot of pressure on these dates. Men can probably see this a mile off. Perhaps you should shift focus to just meeting people and making friends rather than meeting your future husband. And try to have fun doing it. Cos it can be fun.

I agree with whoever said to delete numbers as drunken texting is absolutely never a good idea.

Feelstupid wrote: »

Even one guy that I was on a friendly with for a few years tried it on a while ago and I've had to avoid him since then. ...

Why would you have to avoid him? This seems a tiny bit immature to me. Can you not just decline politely, and treat him like everyone else?

LegacyUser

winking weber wrote: »

Why would you have to avoid him? This seems a tiny bit immature to me. Can you not just decline politely, and treat him like everyone else?

I was polite but I felt really arkward around him afterwards so I distanced myself. Ignored him. I always feel threatened when guys come on to me like that uninvited. My reaction has always been to put up a massive defensive barrier and play a game called avoidance. It's always the ones you don't want that chase you! They really freak me out. Cos I think, eewwhh they're thinking of me in a sexual way and I'd rather they didn't. I like to be in control of what's going on! Is this weird?

Monkey61

Feelstupid wrote: »

I was polite but I felt really arkward around him afterwards so I distanced myself. Ignored him. I always feel threatened when guys come on to me like that uninvited. My reaction has always been to put up a massive defensive barrier and play a game called avoidance. It's always the ones you don't want that chase you! They really freak me out. Cos I think, eewwhh they're thinking of me in a sexual way and I'd rather they didn't. I like to be in control of what's going on! Is this weird?

OP that sounds very strange. I'm not sure what you find "threatening" about someone fancying you. If that is the impression that you are giving off - well, it can't be helping your situation. I don't think a lot of people want to be with someone who wants to be entirely in control of the attraction.

Is it possible that there are some underlying issues there? I'm not quite sure what, but surely it is flattering to have people fancy you? I had a friend like that, who is really gorgeous, and fancied by loads of people, but the idea of someone fancying her who she hadn't, I suppose "invited to" horrified her and made her feel really out of control. In fact anyone behaving towards her in a way that she hadn't prescribed herself made her feel awful so she would just run away from them.

One of the biggest turnoffs in the world is uptightness and an inability to relax and it sounds like maybe you are coming across this way OP.

This also suggests to me that you are perhaps discounting an awful lot of potential boyfriends if you are constantly being hit on and nothing ever comes of it. In exactly what way? Do they not text you after getting your number? Or do you somehow manage to chase them away afterwards?

LegacyUser

Monkey61 wrote: »

In exactly what way? Do they not text you after getting your number? Or do you somehow manage to chase them away afterwards?

Sometimes they don't text but usually I initiate contact and basically frighten them off. It's almost comical...

Perhaps i have underlying issues...not sure what they could be...

How did your friend end up? Is she still single?

LegacyUser

OP, I could have written the same post when I was your age. I'm now married.

I went through the same thing.

I agree with the poster who says don't be too hard on yourself about all of this. Of course you need to stop texting these guys back, especially after rejection but when you meet the right man he'll be delighted when you text. It also wouldn't hurt to stop worrying about being single. You have a date with destiny (I mean the right man!) sometime in the future but right now you can't do anything about so just try to chill out and accept that if someone isn't into you it isn't your fault. Just done put yourself in the line of further rejection by texting someone who's no showing enough interest.

mood

PeakOutput wrote: »

make them chase you as a guy i can indeed confirm that we want to be the one chasing 99% of the time

rightly or wrongly, speaking from personal experience if it is very obvious that the girl is very interested very quickly after meeting her it dosnt really matter how good looking they are i will lose at least a little attraction

your first paragraph says you have trouble 'meeting boyfriends'. i dont think this is the right attitude really you should be going out to meet people and if one turns into a boyfriend great and if no1 does then you still have a cool larger circle of friends that will introduce you to more people.

i think you should tell yourself you are going to forget about trying to meet a boyfriend for the next 6 months, your not going to make yourself too available and your not going to chase anyone for the next 6 months. then just be yourself and have fun and i bet you will find what your looking for

I think this is great way of putting it. Just go out and enjoy your self and relax about the whole thing. And let the lads do the chasing.