Family Freezing Me Out-can't take it anymore

LegacyUser

Would appreciate any help and advice on this as I have no-one to turn to and am totally devastated by the whole thing. I'm sorry this is a long post, so please bear with me, and thanks in advance for reading..

A few month's ago i had an awful falling out with my sister and we haven't spoken since.. little background... my daughters and friends were planning a surprise party for me they told my sister about it and my sister insisted they have the party in her house.. but she didn't want ppl to be invited until 3 day's before the party .. my friends disagreed saying it wasn't enough notice for people so they proceeded with the invites/planning.. then she only wanted a handful of ppl asked. Because I knew nothing about the party I had asked a few freinds (including my sister) out for a drink. (had thought of going to dinner originally, but my mum has cancer and wasn't well enough to come, so i wanted to wait till she was feeling better and then bring her with us), so put that idea on hold. My sister kept insisting to me that we were going to dinner without my mum and that was final.. I agreed, but reluctantly. I just didn't fancy having a family celebration without my mum, that's all.

Anyway on the morning of the party, my daughter came to me in tears because my sister had cancelled the party - food etc.. and told my daughter to contact all the guests and tell them.. (40ppl in total confirmed coming) my daughter was really really upset; in tears; after all her effort. My sister told her that I had taken all the good out of it because i didn't want to go to dinner and had arranged drinks with friends??.. later that day my sister contact me via text saying "I hope your happy" "after all i did for you"... she completely blamed ME for her cancelling the party...she was extremely abusive. Threatened me, and sent horrible nasty txt's to me and about me to my friends. Spoke about me to everyone that'd listen.. Really crazy stuff. I asked her to stop.. but she kept going for the day - non stop

I couldn't believe it! How was this my fault, when I knew NOTHING about this party?? also i have never had a party, and would have really LOVED it.

Later that evening my friends brought me out for a few drinks.. my sister arrived into the pub, and again started on me.. I asked her to stop, that i was really upset, and had a few drinks, I said wait, and we'd talk in the morning when there was no alcohol involved, but no, she kept going.. calling me names, shouting at me, really made a show of me...even accused me of having intercourse with my dad!? infront of everyone... so eventually I lost it and ended up throwing a drink in her face to shut her up, I was so embarrassed. With that she threw one back.. and she was thrown out of the pub. I am mortified i let myself down like that.. but she just wouldn't stop. After she got home.. her husband txt me saying I was no longer welcome to call to their house and to stay away from his family. I apologised for throwing the drink and tried to explain what drove me to that.. but he didn't want to know.. obviously sticking by his wife. but fair enough I will do just that. The following morning I txt my sister and her husband and apologised for throwing the drink, and said in light of mum's illness could we not just stick together. I got no response. Fair enough i thought. Since then my friends and neighbours have been telling me that she is still calling me names and bad mouthing me around the village... this is crazy.. I didn't do anything to start this??? I did not abuse her, I did not retaliate to her threats and abuse and name calling. I did throw the drink, and apologised for this but they ignored me. what more can i do?

Let them off I say, but the problem is since August my brother has taken her side.. he didn't even listen to my side.. i didn't tell him either because my mother is seriously ill and he is her main carer and has enough to deal with. So i said nothing. But he refuses to talk to me, or my children for that matter... they did nothing at all to any of them. They completely ignore them now, didn't send them cards for their birthday's and refused to come to their party's? Also when I go to visit my mum, he ignores us, and anytime i try to visit now, my mum say's I have to go, because he is in a bad mood and doesn't want me there.. This is what is really killing me, she has always depended on my brother and respects his decision, but this is the worst thing they can do to me.. i am being completely frozen out. And for what? standing up to my sister after a day of the most unreal abuse on the day of my birthday?? this seem's so unfair. I have tried taking my mum away for day's.. but when i call for her - he was taken her elsewhere and then tell's mum I didn't bother calling.

Today was her birthday, I called twice but they weren't there, when i went tonight to see her with kids, we brought her cards and presents - she opened them, and 5mins later said we I had to leave because my brother didn't want me there... I'm still in tears.. it happens everytime I call.. I can't take it anymore.. I have asked him what did i do to deserve this..and he completely ignores me and leaves the room. I've text him and asked to talk on numerous occassions and asked him what; if anything he thinks I did so wrong to deserve this, and he has ignored every single one of them.

I'm not coping at all with all of this.. I love my mum, i'm extremely worried about her, she is all we have. She reared the three of us alone, our father was never on the scene, and now when we need to stick together and be there for mum; my family are freezing me out for no valid reason from what i can see. I want to visit her everyday and can't without being asked to leave.. also my mum doesn't speak if my brother is in the room. I have asked her to come to my house instead, but she won't because my brother wouldn't like it if she did.

I'm really devastated over all of this.. I am single mum myself with no job and really finding life too unbearable at the moment, i struggle financially and worry constantly about that, but now i'm really worried that god forbid mum doesn't recover from this cancer she will think i just didn't bother or care.. when in fact all i want is to be there and help but my siblings are doing their best to make sure I can't.

I don't know what to do anymore. One thing I do know tho, is that I will never talk to my sister again, the birthday incident was just one thing in a long line of horrible things she has done to me over the years.

Please help me with this as I can't cope with this anymore and am considering just giving up and not calling to see mum anymore but that'd probably hurt her more, but i can't go on like this.

If you've read this far, i really am grateful.

Any advice/suggestions would be very much appreciated.

thanks

Victor

Is there someone that can mediate, probably someone from outside the family, who isn't involved?

Is there an amount of sibling rivalry with your sister?

kjl

Wow, ok throwing the drink was bad, but giving you all that grief on your birthday was a bit much.

TBH, I say **** your sister. She is the one that needs to apologies to you and until she does just ignoir her. As for you brother, don't mind him. He is a bully by the sounds of it and the only way to deal with him is to get mad.

The next time you call over to see your mother and she is rushing you out, stay firm, take a seat next to your mother and tell her you don't care for this madness egocentric trip your bother is on and there is no way he can prevent you from seeing your mother. Your sister is very good at swinging the argument over to her side to make her look like the victim, which she kinda was with the whole drink thing.

This thing should have been resolved months ago, you need to stand up for yourself girl, I know you said that times are tough, but come on times like this build character.

Stand Tall, walk proud. If you go to your bother and in your non violent protest your brother decided to get violent. call the police, or even better get him sectioned.

Puddleduck

I can understand where you are coming from OP. You need to ignore your sister completely. How she is acting is totally inreasonable. Let her say what she wants about you, anyone that really knows you will know shes talking absolute rubbish and at the end of the day she will be the one that comes off looking bad.
When it comes to your brother I agree with the other poster here that said stand up for yourself. When your mother tries to rush you out of the house have a seat and tell her no, that you would rather spend time with her, that you have tried to take her to your house to give your brother his space but he isnt allowing it. Let her know how important she is to you and your kids.
These are bully boy tactics. Do not respond to them, and do not play by their games.

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Is there someone that can mediate, probably someone from outside the family, who isn't involved?

Is there an amount of sibling rivalry with your sister?

There isn't really anyone outside the family that call's or would be close enough to them that could broach the subject. I have an aunt that visit's mum, but not sure if she'd get involved, she would be like me in thinking the main thing is mum is kept comfortable and happy, stress free.

Yes, there has been a lot of rivalry between us in the past, mainly started by her, she's a very jealous person for example no matter what I got over the years she would have to have the same ie; hairstyles, clothes, shoes. If I got stuff for the house she'd go and get the same or better, no matter what it was she HAD to have the same. Even growing up if I was allowed out to disco's she'd kick up skink with my mum to make sure I wasn't allowed go, because she was too young to be allowed. She HAS to be involved in EVERYONE's business, and then talks about them behind their backs.

We are the complete opposites in personalities - I'm a very placid easy going person while she comes out fighting and gets very abusive/threatening (she even sent a solicitor's letter to her friend cos she claimed she was talking about her) The last thing i would do is argue/fight with someone. Although throwing the drink does contradict this - but I was getting abuse all day, and she was very agressive and threatening - I needed to stop her.

As KJL said she is great at playing the victim once she causes trouble, I accept I was wrong doing that; and did apologise for same; however all attempts are ignored and she seem's to be making a career of turning people against me for this.

They brought mum out for dinner to celebrate her birthday yesterday - neither me or my kids were invited; mum told me later that they said I was asked and didn't want to go.. she thought i forgot her birthday - and they told her - "get used to it mum, that's the way she is these days" - this is crazy, I can't believe I'm being treated like this, because after hours of abuse/threat's i did react badly by throwing the drink, I know it sounds petty now, but she did throw one back at me, so surely we are both as bad as each other in that regard? Surely the main focus should be on working together to be there as a family to help mum through all this? For god's sake, we are not kids, we are grown adults with family's of our own.

As for my brother, he's very stubborn when he want's to be; but he has no reason to argue/ignore me, i have never had an argument with him. But when I tried to discuss it with him - he completely ignored me. When I call he tell's mum if she's talking to me... "watch the telly there" or "come out for your tea" anything for her not to talk to me or the kids.

thanks for your responses so far

LegacyUser

Puddleduck wrote: »

I can understand where you are coming from OP. You need to ignore your sister completely. How she is acting is totally inreasonable. Let her say what she wants about you, anyone that really knows you will know shes talking absolute rubbish and at the end of the day she will be the one that comes off looking bad.
When it comes to your brother I agree with the other poster here that said stand up for yourself. When your mother tries to rush you out of the house have a seat and tell her no, that you would rather spend time with her, that you have tried to take her to your house to give your brother his space but he isnt allowing it. Let her know how important she is to you and your kids.
These are bully boy tactics. Do not respond to them, and do not play by their games.

That's what I was trying to do up to now, with the exception of when my sister is there, i will not be in the same room as her, I'm finished with her after all she said and did. I can't bare to even look at her. Another example of how nasty she has been in the past was when my marriage broke down a few years ago - I was extremely upset and was in my mum's crying - she walked in laughed and said "back in the gutter where u belong".. I have never forgotten that, forgave her, but never forgotten.

The reason I was leaving when mum asked was it seemed to upset mum; she seems stressed/uneasy when my brother is there, probably notices the tension. i haven't told her what's happened as the last thing I want to do is cause her any futher upset. My focus is on trying to make her comfortable and keep her upbeat.

But I'm going to have to do something - fast - to let my mum how much I love her and am here for her, but she seem's to do exactly what my brother and sister say.. a few weeks ago she told me they are taking over her life, they have taken over all her finances etc.. and then put on the big show to the neighbours how great they are, and telling everyone I don't bother with her - this is completely untrue, but as you say the people that know me know this isn't true.

I really don't care what my siblings think of me - I just can't get over the fact that at a time like this, when families should stick together for mum, they are literally freezing me out.

Puddleduck

ReallyHurt wrote: »

That's what I was trying to do up to now, with the exception of when my sister is there, i will not be in the same room as her, I'm finished with her after all she said and did. I can't bare to even look at her. Another example of how nasty she has been in the past was when my marriage broke down a few years ago - I was extremely upset and was in my mum's crying - she walked in laughed and said "back in the gutter where u belong".. I have never forgotten that, forgave her, but never forgotten.

The reason I was leaving when mum asked was it seemed to upset mum; she seems stressed/uneasy when my brother is there, probably notices the tension. i haven't told her what's happened as the last thing I want to do is cause her any futher upset. My focus is on trying to make her comfortable and keep her upbeat.

But I'm going to have to do something - fast - to let my mum how much I love her and am here for her, but she seem's to do exactly what my brother and sister say.. a few weeks ago she told me they are taking over her life, they have taken over all her finances etc.. and then put on the big show to the neighbours how great they are, and telling everyone I don't bother with her - this is completely untrue, but as you say the people that know me know this isn't true.

I really don't care what my siblings think of me - I just can't get over the fact that at a time like this, when families should stick together for mum, they are literally freezing me out.

It sounds as if your sister is a toxic person. You can be civil to her to help lessen the tension but you dont have to be best buddys.
Yes your mam is probably uneasy over everything but when your brother comes in rushing etc just sit down, tell him no, that she is your mother and when you have tried to see her on your own terms he did everything he could to stop you.
I wouldnt worry too much over your mother thinking you dont want to see her. Shes your mother, she knows you love her. Next time you want to spend some time with her, call over and take her out. Dont let your brother know you are coming.
Or get her a mobile phone and use that to contact her.

kittenkiller

Could you write a letter to your brother explaining the whole situation factually?
Maybe he'd be more likely to read something like that in his own time and then make up his own mind.
His behaviour is completely out of order, but to build the relationship with your mum back up, it seems to be down to him.
I really feel for you OP, it must be terrible.
Try to get him to see that making things awkward for you when you visit your mum is only punishing her, not defending your sister.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Puddleduck wrote: »

It sounds as if your sister is a toxic person. You can be civil to her to help lessen the tension but you dont have to be best buddys.
Yes your mam is probably uneasy over everything but when your brother comes in rushing etc just sit down, tell him no, that she is your mother and when you have tried to see her on your own terms he did everything he could to stop you.
I wouldnt worry too much over your mother thinking you dont want to see her. Shes your mother, she knows you love her. Next time you want to spend some time with her, call over and take her out. Dont let your brother know you are coming.
Or get her a mobile phone and use that to contact her.

Thanks for your advice - I have tried taking her out, but she simply won't go because my brother wouldn't like it. As for my sister, i can't be civil to her, i can't even look at her anymore, put it this way.. I have forgiven her for all the nasty things she's done in the past and she's fine for a while and then does something even worse.. the list is endless and would need a whole different thread! but the way I see it is there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough you can't keep forgiving someone when they constantly go out of their way to hurt you. So being civil to her is a non runner.

It looks like I will have to do as you say and stand my ground in the house and tell mum, no, I would rather stay and visit with her, that she means the world to me.

thanks

LegacyUser

kittenkiller wrote: »

Could you write a letter to your brother explaining the whole situation factually?
Maybe he'd be more likely to read something like that in his own time and then make up his own mind.
His behaviour is completely out of order, but to build the relationship with your mum back up, it seems to be down to him.
I really feel for you OP, it must be terrible.
Try to get him to see that making things awkward for you when you visit your mum is only punishing her, not defending your sister.

Best of luck.

I actually thought of this myself last night, but the way he is so stubborn he'll probably bin it once he see's its from me, but I can it try i guess, anything at this stage to be there for my mum, it's her i'm worried about so will do everything I can.

Thanks I really do appreciate all advice - i feel so alone now that i don't have my family anymore - it's terrible feeling - if i did something criminal you'd say something but this is crazy. I suppose it's true - u can choose your friends but not your family.

Thanks

deisemum

Would one of your friends or witnesses that were in the pub speak with your brother and put him in the picture as to what your sister was like and the accusations she made?

If your mother feels that they're taking over her life and control her finances, then put on a show as to how good they are in front of the neighbours then I'd also be concerned about elder abuse. There are agencies that can offer advice on this.

bSlick

You shouldn't have been apologising for throwing the drink on her. That was a mistake and made her think she was and is in the right. What she did was wwwaaayy worse than throwing a drink and she should have been the one apologising. Really throwing a drink on her after extreme provocation is nothing in comparison to the way she was carrying on in public humiliting you and constantly bad mouthing you to all her friends. You shouldn't have let her play the victim. Don't go apologising to her in future. Tell her if she apologises to you for her disgraceful behaviour you might be prepared to talk to her again in future, otherwise she and can go and f**k herself.

bSlick

You shouldn't have been apologising for throwing the drink on her. That was a mistake and made her think she was and is in the right. What she did was wwwaaayy worse than throwing a drink and she should have been the one apologising. Really throwing a drink on her is nothing in comparison to the way she was carrying on in public humiliting you and constantly bad mouthing you to all her friends. You shouldn't have let her play the victim. Don't go apologising to her in future. Tell her if she apologises to you for her disgraceful behaviour you might be prepared to talk to her again in future, otherwise she and can go and f**k herself.

Edit: Actually scratch that. You can say that do her with the goal of getting an apology but even if she does apologise I think you would be far better off having absolutely nothing to do with her in future. From what you've described she is a complete and utter bitch and lunatic, it's best to have nothing to do with someone like that.

LegacyUser

deisemum wrote: »

Would one of your friends or witnesses that were in the pub speak with your brother and put him in the picture as to what your sister was like and the accusations she made?

If your mother feels that they're taking over her life and control her finances, then put on a show as to how good they are in front of the neighbours then I'd also be concerned about elder abuse. There are agencies that can offer advice on this.

I could ask them; but knowing the way my sister is they will probably be reluctant to get involved as she will start on them also.. she really is that spiteful.

I really don't think there is an issue of elderly abuse here, I know my brother is doing is best for my mum, at the moment is really is incapable of fending for herself. But he can be very abrupt and agressive in his tone etc, but at the end of the day he is caring for as best he can. In the beginning he welcomed my help, i was cooking for them, bathing mum etc but now they want me to have nothing to do with her. They won't even tell me when her chemo sessions are etc.. I have to ring the oncology dept to find out. It just hurts that they won't accept my help. Also, my brother didn't stop talking to me until a month after the row with my sister - i did think there was something else, but there wasn't - and he won't tell me anyway?? UNREAL, least if he told me then i could at least defend/explain myself but he won't even let me do that.. just totally cut me and my kids off.

Bslick - that is exactly how I feel about my sister now - even if she did apologise I wouldn't accept it, I don't want it, nor her in my life anymore, she made it very easy for me to cut her out now. As far as i'm concerned I don't have a sister. She hurt me and my children for no reason but cutting me off from my mum is the final straw.

kittenkiller

If you're feeling alone right now OP, be good to yourself and surround yourself with you friends and your daughter, who obviously really cares for you!

Try not to put your whole life on hold because of this, I know it's tough because your mum is involved, but you can't let yourself be driven demented by all this.

Ideally, someone who witnessed the whole event could speak at least to your brother, but it might be difficult finding someone who wants to get involved in family business.

Does you mum have a set routine?
You could pop round when she's having a lie down and sit there in your brothers way until he at least yells at you to have a go and then maybe (obviously this depends on the type of person he is) the floodgates will open and you can end up having a good discussion about the whole thing while you're mum is none the wiser!
I'm sure if you could convey the provocation that led you to throw your drink he could at least find it in himself to cause less trouble when you visit your mum.

Failing that you might be able to come to an arrangement where you arrive to let your brother have a hour or two break from the house, giving you some quality time with your mum without causing her upset by having at atmosphere.

Personally, I'd completely bypass trying to reunite with your sister, she seems to have too many of her own issues (mainly being a deluded maniac).

LegacyUser

kittenkiller wrote: »

If you're feeling alone right now OP, be good to yourself and surround yourself with you friends and your daughter, who obviously really cares for you!

Try not to put your whole life on hold because of this, I know it's tough because your mum is involved, but you can't let yourself be driven demented by all this.

Ideally, someone who witnessed the whole event could speak at least to your brother, but it might be difficult finding someone who wants to get involved in family business.

Does you mum have a set routine?
You could pop round when she's having a lie down and sit there in your brothers way until he at least yells at you to have a go and then maybe (obviously this depends on the type of person he is) the floodgates will open and you can end up having a good discussion about the whole thing while you're mum is none the wiser!
I'm sure if you could convey the provocation that led you to throw your drink he could at least find it in himself to cause less trouble when you visit your mum.

Failing that you might be able to come to an arrangement where you arrive to let your brother have a hour or two break from the house, giving you some quality time with your mum without causing her upset by having at atmosphere.

Personally, I'd completely bypass trying to reunite with your sister, she seems to have too many of her own issues (mainly being a deluded maniac).

Thanks Kittenkiller, have been trying to surround myself with the people that want me around, but it's so hard, I really fear the worst for my mum, and I don't want to look back in the future and think "I should have been there, tried harder"... cos that'd kill me. But I am going to try and stand my ground with them again and keep trying to see mum, she is all i care about now, not them, but the situation is having an affect on her, and that's the last thing she need's now. She already has depression. I am going to follow all advice given so far though, it's better than sitting home fretting.

That's a very apt descriptions of my sister ye have! brought a smile to my face!

thanks for taking time to read my post and respond - i feel a bit stronger now having read posts so far - it amazes me how good some people can be x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had a very similar experience with my family, well i couldnt call them family anymore because over the last 10 years we are not in each others lives at all.

I have 3 sisters and my mother was a single mother as well, she left us when i was 18 and she sold our house in 6 months and set up another life with another family up north, we were basically left on our own after that but my mother would call on us when ever she needed her needs met and we would all come a runnin to try and get some love. The older i got the more i realized that this was very bad for my self worth and i did some therapy to try and deal with the rejection, the relationships fell apart with my sisters they were so hurt but used anger to express it and i was the quiet one in my family who got a lot of abuse physically and verbally, i really fell apart after all that and i really felt that there was nothing to live for. When i see my sisters on the street they just huff at me and walk past, my nephew who i had a huge part in raising from a baby was never allowed to speak to me again and i was just devastated, very often in families someone is made a scapegoat where all the anger and frustration is dumped on that person who is usually in a vulnerable situation and they can usually exercise power over them.

The only thing i could do was to try and heal from all the pain so i did a lot of work on myself in therapy and i had huge support for my emotions because like you said it was so overwhelming. I had to accept that this was my reality, that my sisters were not going to change that there was no point in pursuing a relationship with any of them and that i was on my own!

I know your mum is sick at the moment but i think you should really be thinking of yourself, even for the next two weeks or something just give yourself a break. Then let the whole aftermath anger die down and just keep going to see your mother, try and let your life with your children and the love they were trying to show you for your birthday give you comfort, try and treat yourself like a precious little object and let yourself be what ever way you need to.


There is nothing worse that family dynamics to add to your current life issues to escalate it further, try and put major distance from them with you and your family and only focus on seeing your mother in a way that you can be protected too, they can say what they want to her, im sure your mother has her own opinions on your brother! just remember that what they are accusing you of is only in their minds and not everybody else's, i thought that my sisters were actually convincing people that i was to blame for many things but years later it was all just hot air they were blowing and outside people dont give a sh!t. So believe in yourself, stay strong, use your resources, and best of luck!!!

LegacyUser

Personaltissues wrote: »

Hi OP,

I had a very similar experience with my family, well i couldnt call them family anymore because over the last 10 years we are not in each others lives at all.

I have 3 sisters and my mother was a single mother as well, she left us when i was 18 and she sold our house in 6 months and set up another life with another family up north, we were basically left on our own after that but my mother would call on us when ever she needed her needs met and we would all come a runnin to try and get some love. The older i got the more i realized that this was very bad for my self worth and i did some therapy to try and deal with the rejection, the relationships fell apart with my sisters they were so hurt but used anger to express it and i was the quiet one in my family who got a lot of abuse physically and verbally, i really fell apart after all that and i really felt that there was nothing to live for. When i see my sisters on the street they just huff at me and walk past, my nephew who i had a huge part in raising from a baby was never allowed to speak to me again and i was just devastated, very often in families someone is made a scapegoat where all the anger and frustration is dumped on that person who is usually in a vulnerable situation and they can usually exercise power over them.

The only thing i could do was to try and heal from all the pain so i did a lot of work on myself in therapy and i had huge support for my emotions because like you said it was so overwhelming. I had to accept that this was my reality, that my sisters were not going to change that there was no point in pursuing a relationship with any of them and that i was on my own!

I know your mum is sick at the moment but i think you should really be thinking of yourself, even for the next two weeks or something just give yourself a break. Then let the whole aftermath anger die down and just keep going to see your mother, try and let your life with your children and the love they were trying to show you for your birthday give you comfort, try and treat yourself like a precious little object and let yourself be what ever way you need to.


There is nothing worse that family dynamics to add to your current life issues to escalate it further, try and put major distance from them with you and your family and only focus on seeing your mother in a way that you can be protected too, they can say what they want to her, im sure your mother has her own opinions on your brother! just remember that what they are accusing you of is only in their minds and not everybody else's, i thought that my sisters were actually convincing people that i was to blame for many things but years later it was all just hot air they were blowing and outside people dont give a sh!t. So believe in yourself, stay strong, use your resources, and best of luck!!!

Thank you so much for posting this - it's exactly how I feel - they know i'm vulnerable at the moment with Mum, no job; bills mounting; kids to support etc... and they do this - like you, my sister has stopped her kids from talking to me and my children also... funny thing is my children have the cop on to see true it, whereas I can't understand it at all. I would never ignore my nieces and nephews; they have done nothing wrong, but it's heartbreaking when I meet them in the street and they walk past me. I was always very close to them all. I just feel that life is way to short for this. We are a small family and although never overly close; we were family. Although I must admit that when my marriage broke up - neither my sister or brother were of any support to me; all they wanted was revenge on my ex. And when i wouldn't comply, they held that against me too. It was my mother that helped me through it. And all I want now is to help her through this awful time she is having.

They make me feel like i'm scum of the earth - I can't believe them.

Thanks for your post and fair play to you for rising above it. People tell me to do the same but I'm finding it impossible... haven't done anything since wasting a perfectly good drink on my sister; but feel like i'd love to give them both a good ear bashing, obviously won't because they're not worth it anymore.

LegacyUser

Lone Parent wrote: »

Thank you so much for posting this - it's exactly how I feel - they know i'm vulnerable at the moment with Mum, no job; bills mounting; kids to support etc... and they do this - like you, my sister has stopped her kids from talking to me and my children also... funny thing is my children have the cop on to see true it, whereas I can't understand it at all. I would never ignore my nieces and nephews; they have done nothing wrong, but it's heartbreaking when I meet them in the street and they walk past me. I was always very close to them all. I just feel that life is way to short for this. We are a small family and although never overly close; we were family. Although I must admit that when my marriage broke up - neither my sister or brother were of any support to me; all they wanted was revenge on my ex. And when i wouldn't comply, they held that against me too. It was my mother that helped me through it. And all I want now is to help her through this awful time she is having.

They make me feel like i'm scum of the earth - I can't believe them.

Thanks for your post and fair play to you for rising above it. People tell me to do the same but I'm finding it impossible... haven't done anything since wasting a perfectly good drink on my sister; but feel like i'd love to give them both a good ear bashing, obviously won't because they're not worth it anymore.

It might be too hard to rise above it all now because it is just so hurtful at this time, the pain is like a button that keeps getting pressed inside you and all the fear and pain comes up, it is like the legacy of pain in the family that is coming out, something that helped me through those tense moments was to talk it out, and if we dont have anyone to talk to it can be really hard, thats why i found a councilor great for this, because she had emotional skills to teach me and i also was able to cry it all out of me in a safe environment, because the last thing you need is someone telling you what to do or how to do it when all you want is someone to listen have you every considered counseling? There are many free places around the country, it may not be your thing but if your on your own it is a great resource.

How sick is your mother, what have the doctors said about the cancer, is your brother living in your mothers home and is that why he is letting you in to see her?

LegacyUser

She's quite ill, she had a mastectomy a few months ago, but it's the effects of the chemotherapy that is having terrible effect on her. She has a whole host pre-existing medical issues which are aggrevated by the chemo ie. renal failure, she has to wear a colostomy bag, she also has diabeties, on top of her suffering manic depression since we were young. The effects of the chemo are so bad that the doctor was stopping treatment, but she insisted he proceed. she usually gets hospitalised after treatment for a few day's.. she need's 24hr care.

My brother is living at home with her full time and taking care of her, and my hat goes off to him because it really is a very tough job, since she got diagnosed it's like she gave up and need's to have everything done for her. she even asks can she have a drink of water.. won't/can't walk to the kitchen to help herself. So I understand the amount of pressure he is under. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of me or my kids; you'd think he'd welcome the help, but won't from me anyway.

I have thought of counselling for myself but I cannot afford private counselling and the HSC has a waiting list of approx 9-10 months in my area.

Have to say though your right talking it out is best option for me personally - i find responses here today very helpful. But behind it all I just want to care for my mum and do the best I can.

LegacyUser

ReallyHurt wrote: »

She's quite ill, she had a mastectomy a few months ago, but it's the effects of the chemotherapy that is having terrible effect on her. She has a whole host pre-existing medical issues which are aggrevated by the chemo ie. renal failure, she has to wear a colostomy bag, she also has diabeties, on top of her suffering manic depression since we were young. The effects of the chemo are so bad that the doctor was stopping treatment, but she insisted he proceed. she usually gets hospitalised after treatment for a few day's.. she need's 24hr care.

My brother is living at home with her full time and taking care of her, and my hat goes off to him because it really is a very tough job, since she got diagnosed it's like she gave up and need's to have everything done for her. she even asks can she have a drink of water.. won't/can't walk to the kitchen to help herself. So I understand the amount of pressure he is under. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of me or my kids; you'd think he'd welcome the help, but won't from me anyway.

I have thought of counselling for myself but I cannot afford private counselling and the HSC has a waiting list of approx 9-10 months in my area.

Have to say though your right talking it out is best option for me personally - i find responses here today very helpful. But behind it all I just want to care for my mum and do the best I can.

Yeah i hear ya! Not easy if your mum is this ill so you must be feeling that time is limited with her and you cant even get close to her, your relationship with your mum can never be taken away from you, how much do you think your mother knows about your relationships with your siblings, and would she listen to them speaking negatively against you? what way are you thinking of playing it from here, would you like to visit her soon?

XX

LegacyUser

Personaltissues wrote: »

Yeah i hear ya! Not easy if your mum is this ill so you must be feeling that time is limited with her and you cant even get close to her, your relationship with your mum can never be taken away from you, how much do you think your mother knows about your relationships with your siblings, and would she listen to them speaking negatively against you? what way are you thinking of playing it from here, would you like to visit her soon?

XX

I was planning on doing as suggested earlier and when it happens again saying, "no mum, i'd rather stay with you, he'll just have to get over it" or something along those lines...(i know this is running the risk of adding more pressure on her) but it's got to be better than staying away and having her think I just don't care.? was going to visit within the next day or two.

Yes, she listens to everything they say - she even believed them when they told her i didn't bother calling for her, and refused to go to the birthday dinner yesterday. Mum has always hung off my brother's every word mainly because she would do anything to avoid confrontation and in the absence of my father he was seen as the "man of the house" if u can understand. Mum is the most gentle person you could ever meet, and would never argue or disagree with anyone - especially those two, who don't care what anyone say's - it's there way or no way

martdalto

To be honest, if your brother IS completely blanking you, then saying "No mam, I'm going to stay a while longer, because I want to be here with you".. is not going to cause that much tension, because he won't speak to you about it anyway.

Tell your mam, that you love her and you're sorry that whatever is going on with the 3 of you is affecting her. But tell her whatever is going on between you, does NOT affect how you feel about her.

I'm sure she's not a fool. She lived with your sister for long enough!! She's probably just keeping her head down herself for the sake of peace. When you're talking to her, don't get into "she said", "she did".. She doesn't want to hear that.

Stay in the house. Your brother will probably say nothing, and I doubt will take it out on your mam when you're gone. He might moan at her about you, but I'm sure at this stage she's letting it in one ear and out the other.

Mind yourself... and don't worry about the others.

LegacyUser

martdalto wrote: »

To be honest, if your brother IS completely blanking you, then saying "No mam, I'm going to stay a while longer, because I want to be here with you".. is not going to cause that much tension, because he won't speak to you about it anyway.

Tell your mam, that you love her and you're sorry that whatever is going on with the 3 of you is affecting her. But tell her whatever is going on between you, does NOT affect how you feel about her.

I'm sure she's not a fool. She lived with your sister for long enough!! She's probably just keeping her head down herself for the sake of peace. When you're talking to her, don't get into "she said", "she did".. She doesn't want to hear that.

Stay in the house. Your brother will probably say nothing, and I doubt will take it out on your mam when you're gone. He might moan at her about you, but I'm sure at this stage she's letting it in one ear and out the other.

Mind yourself... and don't worry about the others.

Thanks, your right, he is completely blanking me.. it's as if i don't exist. Have called 3 times so far this week and still same thing. My mum seem's totally disconnected from everything.. which is understandable. Called there this evening and my sister was there with the HomeHelp.. I was shocked because her car wasn't outside.. I didn't know she was there.. and again it was as if i was in the way and she was all business - tending to mum's needs and completely ignored me - like i wasn't even there.. the tension was unreal... I left a few mins later because I really did feel like I was in the way... But right now I feel so ANGRY.. I really feel like i'm going to explode! All this because of her!! I really feel I don't deserve this treatment... I know what i did was wrong...but for gods sake - I think what she did and is doing is far worse.. And i know by me leaving it would make her feel like she "won" ... but I honestly can't bare to be in the same room as her now.. i'm ashamed to call her my sister. I was upbeat in the house.. ask mum how she was feeling... asked was there anything she needed or wanted me to do.. and barely got a no thanks.

I'm so mad if feel like i could really do the crime for which i'm already being punished.. if u know what i mean. But it kills me the way things are, its CRAZY

Thanks for everyone's opinions/advice - it really is a help

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Tough goin alright, and i hate the anxiety that comes on with that tension of goin into the house, i really feel for you, Once your mum knows your about she will not have any reason to think your ignoring her, that was what your goal was this week after the lies they said about you not wanting to be with her,

What do you see happening next, will you just continue calling in a few times a week, are they being mean to your children, like do they want to call in to to see her?

All the best.

LegacyUser

Personaltissues wrote: »

Hey OP,

What do you see happening next, will you just continue calling in a few times a week, are they being mean to your children, like do they want to call in to to see her?

All the best.

Hi,
I agree, all that tension/negativity is not healthy for anyone, least of all my mum. And i'm really starting to resent it now, I hate feeling this way, life is hard enough without this huge fall out over something that should have been sorted next day.. There are people with real problems thru no fault of their own, and here's this loon causing anguish for no other reason than pure spite.. I really hope the saying is true "the wheel always turns" for her anyway.

But I will keep calling (even if it is only for a few mins) as you say at least she will know i'm around.

My Children want to visit too.. but they feel it also.. they are completely ignoring them also, and the kids are finding that very hurtful. I think that's what's making me so angry tonight.. what ever about me, the kids did Nothing at all to them.. and they are still treating them the same.. talk about unfair. How dare they? So for now.. i'm leaving it up to them whether they come with me or not. But I really don't want my kids around that atmosphere either.

Nevyn

I dont' blame you I have been dealing with simular issues and all you can do is protect your kids and hold your head up and remember it is thier problem and they are letting themselves down.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

I dont' blame you I have been dealing with simular issues and all you can do is protect your kids and hold your head up and remember it is thier problem and they are letting themselves down.

Thanks Thaedydal, sorry your going tru something simular.. i really wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Your right, but the sad thing is they will never see that what they are doing is wrong.. and years from now they will still throw it in my face that I wasn't there when mum needed me.. that they did it all for her. I just can't be around these people.. I can't believe we're related.. i'm in my late 30's and have never had a falling out like this with anyone.. I'm the first to admit it if and when I'm wrong and believe that it is best to forive and try and forget, but I can see this never getting better, that's why I'm not going to force my kids to visit. But the worst thing is my mum is missing out on her grandkids and they are missing their nan.. So for that reason alone I will NEVER talk to my siblings again. We can't come back from all this.

Moomoo1

OP, you really should try to hang around in situations like these: just keep talking to your mother and ignore everything else. I know it's very hard, and because of the tension you want to leave, but you have to stick it out. I am sure your mother really does want you there for longer than you end up staying.

Can you insist that your mother visits you, ie you come there, and take her away? Talk this over with her directly.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, you really should try to hang around in situations like these: just keep talking to your mother and ignore everything else. I know it's very hard, and because of the tension you want to leave, but you have to stick it out. I am sure your mother really does want you there for longer than you end up staying.

Can you insist that your mother visits you, ie you come there, and take her away? Talk this over with her directly.

I've tried to get her to come out with me for a few hours on numerous occasions and she won't and insisting really isn't an option at the moment with the way she is. I think I will just have to keep going and stick it out for now anyway. thanks

LegacyUser

ReallyHurt wrote: »

I've tried to get her to come out with me for a few hours on numerous occasions and she won't and insisting really isn't an option at the moment with the way she is. I think I will just have to keep going and stick it out for now anyway. thanks

Its all you can really do for now, and just protect yourself when your around the negative energy from your sister, this is another big issue for you because i know full well myself the feelings of anger and loss from having to deal with relationships like this,

Its not that you are not open to your sister and not wanting to work things out with her but it sounds like she has chosen to blame and exercise any power she has over you just to hurt you, this is a lot to come to terms with, as you said it will never be the same for you and your sister again, just realize you did nothing wrong, as you have expressed already! but you dont deserve this awful treatment, and that wheel will turn as i have seen it in my own family, where eventually people got so sick of my sisters victimization and bichin that people then realized years later who were the ones with the issues, because my sisters are still running me down 7 years later, where as i had to accept what they would say to people and get on with my life, but everything is going very well for me now and people forget very quickly over the years the bitchy comments they were once told about me.

It is a big loss to come to terms with when siblings are more your enemies than friends, its something i realized myself as i got older that ANYONE who was not a friend to me was someone i was just not prepared to put anymore energy into even if they were a family member. My life is a lot simpler now because of it but i was very upset for a while mourning the loss of what my family 'could have' been.

I used to feel so lonely at christmas because i have spent every christmas over the last 10 years on my own with my boyfriend and all my friends were with their families so it was very quiet and i felt upset, but in the last 4 years i actually realized how uncomplicated my life is and many of my friends envied my christmas because families were so stressfull! So now i feel a lot more positive about my life, but i really do understand all of these dynamics you are processing at the moment,


Just wondered how are you feeling about christmas this year, will it be difficult for you?

All the best XOXO

Moomoo1

ReallyHurt wrote: »

I've tried to get her to come out with me for a few hours on numerous occasions and she won't and insisting really isn't an option at the moment with the way she is. I think I will just have to keep going and stick it out for now anyway. thanks

but ask her, how come she can come out with your brother and sister and not you?

Mackleton

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you in this situation. First of all, your sister is a prize bit*h and deserves to be treated like one, you did absolutely nothing wrong, you were simply defending yourself. Your brother is not far behind her and while I understand you need your family's support, they are two toxic people that you would be far better off without. Therefore, if I were you I would have nothing more to do with them when the situation with your mother is resolved.

In terms of solutions I agree with those who have said tough it out and become a bad penny, turn up as frequently as possible and keep reiterating to your mum that you love her and want to support her in any way that you can. If you feel that your visits are too rushed or not private enough, maybe write her a letter telling her to read it in her own time or read it to her if you can, tell her how much you love her and regret the tension being caused but don't point the finger of blame, your mum won't want to hear that. Just say that despite the recent obstacles, you want to be there for her and do what you can.

Regarding your sister, just because she's family doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her, forget her.

If you want to patch things up with your brother perhaps the letter idea here may also work or if there was a pub full of witnesses maybe bring a friend round with you when trying to fight your case. I would definitely refuse to leave when visiting your mum and also refuse to leave until you both hash it out. Sit at his kitchen table and say "Right I'm not leaving until we sort this out. What exactly is it that you think I have done?"

I hope for your own sake that you do at every opportunity go out of your own way to tell your mum how much you love her, because at least you won't spend years to come regretting not having told her enough. Obviously god willing your mum will be around for many years to come!

Best of luck, keep your chin up, you are completely blameless in this situation!

LegacyUser

Mackleton wrote: »

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you in this situation. First of all, your sister is a prize bit*h and deserves to be treated like one, you did absolutely nothing wrong, you were simply defending yourself. Your brother is not far behind her and while I understand you need your family's support, they are two toxic people that you would be far better off without. Therefore, if I were you I would have nothing more to do with them when the situation with your mother is resolved.

In terms of solutions I agree with those who have said tough it out and become a bad penny, turn up as frequently as possible and keep reiterating to your mum that you love her and want to support her in any way that you can. If you feel that your visits are too rushed or not private enough, maybe write her a letter telling her to read it in her own time or read it to her if you can, tell her how much you love her and regret the tension being caused but don't point the finger of blame, your mum won't want to hear that. Just say that despite the recent obstacles, you want to be there for her and do what you can.

Regarding your sister, just because she's family doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her, forget her.

If you want to patch things up with your brother perhaps the letter idea here may also work or if there was a pub full of witnesses maybe bring a friend round with you when trying to fight your case. I would definitely refuse to leave when visiting your mum and also refuse to leave until you both hash it out. Sit at his kitchen table and say "Right I'm not leaving until we sort this out. What exactly is it that you think I have done?"

I hope for your own sake that you do at every opportunity go out of your own way to tell your mum how much you love her, because at least you won't spend years to come regretting not having told her enough. Obviously god willing your mum will be around for many years to come!

Best of luck, keep your chin up, you are completely blameless in this situation!

Hi - thanks everyone for your help and advice on this, it really helps.

I'm relieved to know that this is not my fault.. I was starting to think there was something wrong with me especially when your own turn on you. Was looking at the txt messages she sent me on the day of my birthday ... my god they were vicious.. it was as tho I was responding to them - the threats the name calling - horrible stuff. I was keeping them to show them to my brother initially but that's a waste of time now.

I tell my mum everytime I see her how much I love her - maybe the letter might work - although my brother open's all her mail - he has taken over EVERYTHING including her bank account / pension etc.. so I will probably have to hand it to her and maybe read it out to her myself. I have no intention of asking my brother again what he thinks I have done, I did this already and it was me getting upset (he didn't answer me - just lay on his bed with his hand over his eyes, and a smile on his face - wouldn't even look at me).. I was crying for a finish with frustration but he didn't care just ignored me. I am not going to waste my time / energy or feelings on him again.

MooMoo1 asked how come she will go out with them - when I ask her to come to my house or even go for a drive - she just say's no (he) my brother wouldn't like it. She did agree once to come with me - I told my brother I was taking her out at 2pm the following day, he didn't acknowledge this - so next day I arrived for her at 1:55 and they had taken her out for the day themselves - they told my mum I didn't bother calling for her - she was really upset - that was when I confronted him to know what was going on and he lay on the bed smiling and ignoring me. I explained to mum what happened; I know she believed me; because I was crying and it all came out - but since then she just say's no.. because of him.

Personaltissues - as far as Christmas is concerned... I'm dreading it, this - we usually all get together that day - that definately won't be happening - i'm sure my sister will have mum over for dinner that day - they usually do (we were usually invited too) pretty sure we won't be on the Christmas list this year.. so it'll be more of the same - i'll catch her when their back from her house (late christmas day) ah well, i'll deal with that when it comes. Other than that it'll be just me and my kids. I'm blessed to have them - so will enjoy the day as best I can with them.

I'm so sorry for what I'm about to say but it might be true. Maybe they think your mother won't survive the cancer, and because the are so greedy, they will convince her to leave them her house and assets and you with nothing! Unbelievable but a possibility.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I can totally sympathise with your situation regarding siblings.

From January 09 up to about 6 weeks ago I had no contact with my two sisters.

I dont want to go into why exactly, but I'll tell you Ive been to hell and back and learned alot about myself too.

I am very placid (like youself) - I seem to be the one theyd turn to only when they wanted something or wanted to get something off their chests (all slagging each other - Id never relay information back to any party). Even so, Id be the last person they would consider to ask to go out, or invite me somewhere...I sometimes felt there was a lack of respect there.

Anyways, it was me versus my 2 sisters. 2 very very tough individuals. Very high spirited. Would turn on anyone in a sec-would bad mouth anyone-ignore you etc. I always saw them doing this, but as I said above, like yourself am quite placid so always kept out of things.

But when things went wrong between them and me, boy did I get it. It left me reeling. The name calling, the ignoring me like I was **** on their shoes, the uncomfortableness, the snide looks, the bad mouthing I got it all - ALL (and thats only the tip of the iceberg of what they did to me).

After a few months of torturing myself, I decided that I would not allow them to make me feel this bad about myself (the incident that happened had nothing to do with me personally-as in I did nothing to them, but they blamed me). As hard as it was, I ignored them. I didnt look at them. I didnt make any effort with their petty games. I was not going to apologise to them as I normally would - I dug my heels in and got on with my own life.

I told my parents (who did not want to get involved as "we are all their kids") that I did not feel comfortable coming to the house anymore with all the tension and it was affecting my health. I meant every word of it. No drama or anything. I just did not want to feel like **** anymore.

A few months later my mother told me she was about to suffer a breakdown because of all this. At this stage, one of my sisters started to come around. I was at my parents house one day and she came in and started chatting to me. We laid it all on the table. We are not back to normal, maybe it never will, but I did it for my mother. I talked to her that day for my mother.

One thing I told my sister that day was that if she ever crossed me again and made me feel this bad about myself, that I would have no hesitations in cutting her out of my life - that Id been to hell and back and I would not go there again. Id nothing to loose. It took all of my strength to do this, but I had had to for my own sake. The look on her face said it all - she was shocked. I finally had my moment after 6 months of torture. She saw I didnt give a flying **** whether she was in my life or not and it rattled her completely. She said she did not want that to happen.

As for my other sister, we...how would you put it...we "tolerate" each other. We do not talk anymore except for hello (if even that sometimes). Thats fine by me. I wont be loosing sleep over her pettiness (I feel sorry for her at this stage - she gets so wound up about things, she is actually starting to suffer from health problems).

Some of the few things I have learned are these:

1. You cannot play the pacifier and make things ok. This is one thing that drove me mad. In the end I realised that "I" could not make things ok, that we all had to make things ok. I was not to blame, we all were.

2. People like our siblings see us a weak individuals. They almost see us as lambs for the killing. We are easy. We are easy prey.

3. I will never understand their perspective (spiteful, hateful and nastiness towards others) where as they will never understand me (easy going, just floating around really trying to get by).

4. I will never apologise to them. We all think we are right. But they expected me to crumble and go "oh my god Im so sorry, please please forgive me..pleessee". No, when my sister and I made some sort of peace, we both agreed that neither should apologise. All parties were hurt, but we needed to move on.

So, you are right, your mother comes first. You do everything you can to talk to and see her - you ask her out for meals, you bring the kids around. You just need to do it, if it means showing up at 8 in the morning. If at some stage, it all becomes too much, you then talk calmly but rationally to your mother. I am guessing she is taking the same "they are all my kids" stance as my mother did, and in a way she is right. So you just keep persevering with your mam right now and forget the other two. There is nothing you can do about them until they decide themselves what they are doing is wrong.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm so sorry for what I'm about to say but it might be true. Maybe they think your mother won't survive the cancer, and because the are so greedy, they will convince her to leave them her house and assets and you with nothing! Unbelievable but a possibility.

that wouldn't surprise me at this stage - but My brother is already being left the house - don't know anything about my mothers finances myself - but my sister has alway's been money made (she was even going to throw her husband out at one stage because he lost his job, and was no good to her) that's a fact. unless she thinks mum as a fortune stashed somewhere I don't know. I know she's always had to be in the lime light - having ppl say how great she is... that's where neighbours and friends are concerned.. at home its a different story a complete self-centered b*itch. But u could be right, as i say Nothing would surprise me with them after this

herya

ReallyHurt wrote: »

I actually thought of this myself last night, but the way he is so stubborn he'll probably bin it once he see's its from me, but I can it try i guess, anything at this stage to be there for my mum, it's her i'm worried about so will do everything I can.

Is he married so that you could talk to his wife? Or does he have a friend you could ask for help and to advocate your story?

There's no point at all in trying to talk to your sister, she's toxic if not a psycho. But perhaps there is a chance to win your brother back - it might be very difficult on your own, do you have any potential allies for this?

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm so sorry for what I'm about to say but it might be true. Maybe they think your mother won't survive the cancer, and because the are so greedy, they will convince her to leave them her house and assets and you with nothing! Unbelievable but a possibility.

This is likely their motivation for causing the angst in the first place.

It must be causing your mother so much stress already OP.
To my mind fully explaining the situation could only offer her some relife.
Being told your child doesnt care about you, must be so hard.

LegacyUser

Hi Again,

Yes it is definitely coming across like they all feel threatened over you,

What was your brother being so mean for by lying to your mother that you were not coming to get her that day and then lying on his bed smiling at you with his hands over his eyes- how old is he as a matter of interest in he the youngest? i just wonder how some people have the blatant balls to be mean and hurtful and lie and have no conscience after it, bully's i suppose!

You know what i think it is as well, is that some people take your kindness for weakness,


What was your relationship like with your mother through the years, were you close growing up, would this be another reason why they are trying to sabotage your relationship with her, because they are jealous of how fond she is of you??

You'll just have to keep making your presence known, it does sound hard if they wont let you contribute to looking after her, because this would give you a link to spending more time with your mum,

I have this book called 'Toxic parents' by Susan Foreward, it was such a good book for me when i was going through all my family crap, it explained a lot about toxic people, the master manipulators and how to deal with them, There may be other books especially for toxic siblings! but this book was very good at explaining different scenarios and how to confront people but in a non defensive way, its quite a popular book and can be got in the likes of Easons etc, but i found it a great support.

Moomoo1

just ask your mother 'why is it that you go out with them and not me'? And keep asking her until you get an answer.

LegacyUser

MeToo2 wrote: »

I am very placid (like youself) - I seem to be the one theyd turn to only when they wanted something or wanted to get something off their chests (all slagging each other - Id never relay information back to any party). Even so, Id be the last person they would consider to ask to go out, or invite me somewhere...I sometimes felt there was a lack of respect there.

Anyways, it was me versus my 2 sisters. 2 very very tough individuals. Very high spirited. Would turn on anyone in a sec-would bad mouth anyone-ignore you etc. I always saw them doing this, but as I said above, like yourself am quite placid so always kept out of things.

But when things went wrong between them and me, boy did I get it. It left me reeling. The name calling, the ignoring me like I was **** on their shoes, the uncomfortableness, the snide looks, the bad mouthing I got it all - ALL (and thats only the tip of the iceberg of what they did to me).

I am guessing she is taking the same "they are all my kids" stance as my mother did, and in a way she is right. So you just keep persevering with your mam right now and forget the other two. There is nothing you can do about them until they decide themselves what they are doing is wrong.

Hi Again,
thanks for posting this - this sounds exactly like my situation especially the description of your sisters - and the type of relationship ye had. My mother would also take the stance of ye are all my children.. but i haven't gone into detail of what's really going on with her as I don't want to upset her with it, however, at t this stage I'm inclinded to agree with Moonbaby about explaining the situation to mum, because being told that from them must be killing her.

Herya asked does he have a wife or friends I can go to - no, he never married (or had a gf as far as I know) he is 41yrs old and his only outlet is his hobby which he is totally engrossed in - he has a few aquintences from this - but no friends that I kno of - or at least have ever met.. sad but true. He keeps himself to himself. I could ask my friends that were there the night all this happened with my sister to confirm events but they would be very reluctant to get involved.

Personaltissues - Regarding the relationship with my mother growing up we were never really that close... I know this sounds weird.. but I'm the middle child - she always seemed to favour my older brother and younger sister (least as a child that's how it felt to me) - it wasn't until I had children of my own, and especially when my marriage broke down that we became very very close - she really stuck by me and to be honest kept me going... she used to tell me EVERYTHING.. and not my siblings.. we really bonded and had a great laugh together. I know that when mum first got ill; certain personal issues of her's came to light.. I knew about them beforehand, because she told me in confidence, and mum specifically told me NOT to tell my siblings; but when it all came out and they found out that I knew and didn't tell them they got very very angry (as I said earlier my sister HAS to know EVERYONE's business) - if for nothing else but to talk about them behind their backs - she went mad altogether when she found out I wouldn't betray mum's confidence.

Unless they resent the fact that mum trusted me with such private matters and not them, they have no reason to worry about me getting anything from mum, ie the house etc.. because I don't want it - I just want my mum, healthy and happy. They can keep the rest.