boyfriend on dating website

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I was on my laptop earlier today and discovered that my boyfriend has an account on a dating website and also has a personal ad on another site. I confronted him about it immediately and he said the dating website was something he did ages ago before we were together. Then I showed him the personal ad which had been posted only 3 weeks ago, saying he is 'looking for no strings fun' !! He went really quiet for a second and then said he knows how it looks but it was just a joke, he did it cos he was bored online one day and he wasn't at all serious about it.

I just dunno what to think, I trusted him completely and never had any reason to doubt him until now. (Just to be clear, I wasn't snooping around, i just typed in www. in address bar as was going to check my emails but those two sites were among the first things that popped up in the list. And besides which, this is my own laptop, he just uses it sometimes cos he doesn't have his own.)

Am I being completely naive? I just don't know what to even think at this point.. Sorry for long post. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

LegacyUser

If you're looking for opinions, I would say yes you are certainly being naive. Who puts a secret ad online looking for no strings attached sex for a joke? What kind of joke is that? Who else is in on it?

Perhaps you can't see the woods for the trees but to me this is open-and-shut with no ambiguity. He lied when you confronted him and changed his story when you brought him up on it.

ManOfMystery

This was not a 'joke' and even if it was, it would be the most unfunny joke in the world. He's been caught red-handed looking for no strings sex with other girls, sorry to be blunt but that's the way it is ........... and no amount of lies or window dressing from him will change that.

mood

I agree with the others and if you look at the dating site it possible will say how long he is a member etc. I would dump him.

Miss Fluff

Not only is he intending to cheat (spreading the net that little bit wider too by going on two sites) but he is completely underestimating your intelligence.

So the dating website was "ages ago" and something he did before you were together and yet it came up in the history of your (his girlfriend's!!) laptop? Dump the scumbag before giving him the opportunity to really hurt you OP.

ash23

When I'm online and bored I play games or come on here and read posts. I don't advertise myself as looking for sex without strings. And I'm single so wouldn't be hurting anyone if I did! Even if it was just for sh1ts and giggles!

This guy is intent on cheating. And he's not even hiding it very well. Using your laptop? He has no respect for you.
You deserve better.

Peggypeg

Yeah come on now, seriously hope you've dumped him already, otherwise you'll be posting here in a while feeling like a fool when you've caught him again, the guy is not trustworthy at all.

LegacyUser

OP here
I know, you guys are right. I just don't want to believe it. We recently moved in together and are going away on holiday in a few weeks, so it seemed like everything was going so well.. i'm totally devastated. I can't believe he would do this, I know nobody will believe me now but he's always been a completely honest person, or so I thought.. I've been hurt badly in the past so when we got together i was really careful. We have mutual friends in common who all told me what a nice guy he was, he seemed too good to be true and it looks like he was. I guess I can't trust my own instincts at all anymore.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I think I just needed to hear from someone else what i already knew

Peggypeg

Having moved in together and going on holidays it will make this a bit harder but it really doesn't change anything, the guy's a toad, at least you found out now, could have been so much worse like if you had kids or marraige to think of. Just worry about yourself at the moment, look after yourself. Big Big Big hugs to you.

LegacyUser

I just went onto the dating website to check it out and see exactly what he's been up to. It was created 3 weeks ago, the same day as the other ad. He has an actual photo of himself up on his profile page, the same photo he uses for msn, facebook etc.

I'm so angry I don't know how I'm going to even look at him when I get home tonight. Yesterday I was just numb and in shock and trying to convince myself that he was telling the truth so things between us were, well not normal or anything, but i was speaking to him and we haven't fought about it or anything. I'm going to sit down with him tonight and work out what to do re. living arrangements. I might be able to get a refund on my ticket for holiday and he can go alone (we were going to visit his relatives so this wouldn't be a problem).

I think I'm still in shock, i haven't cried or anything yet. I thought I'd finally found a 'good one', we've even talked about marriage and kids etc. Maybe part of the reason he did it is he got freaked out after we moved in together, but it doesn't matter what the reason was anyway. I feel so lost and alone, I'm living in the same town for the past 4 years but my friends are all living a couple of hours away, my best friend lived a few doors down until a month ago when she moved to Scotland. And now I have to go to work and put on a happy smiling face for the customers

Colonel_McCoy

You caught him trying to cheat.........and he tried to use a joke to get out of it!! Scum bag! Get rid of him fast you will only regret it in the future if you dont.

You deserve better

LegacyUser

Exactly the same thing happened me. I was on my boyfriends computer and a casual sex site popped up, complete with username and prompt for password

Needless to say I was devastated. Even more devastated because we had a 6 week old baby. My boyfriend totally freaked out when I told him what I found, got real angry and said someone else must have been using his computer

Well 2 years on Im now a single mother. Baby is disabled. Its very very tough. He went on to cheat on me 6 mths after I caught him on this site. My only regret is that I didnt leave the minute I copped onto the website. Instead I swallowed his story, wanting to believe him.

Girl run for the hills, before he really hurts you. I know Ive been there and its horrible

LegacyUser

Awh you poor devil, i feel so bad for you, what an awful situation to be in.

I know you said the holiday was for going to see his relatives but could you maybe take a friend of yours instead and have a little break for yourself and just avoid his relatives, stay somewhere else, a break would be a god send for you now.

I have a feeling that your going to go back to him, I think you really want to believe he is a good person and that he never truly had any intention of cheating on you but please, if he had got any responses from the dating ad, he would have. He has no respect for you at all, he's lying to you, you'll never be able to trust him again if you were to get back with him. Your better off without him. It doesnt even sound like he's sorry for what he's done even if he is just claiming to have been bored which is alot of sh*t to be honest. He's taking you for a complete fool, thinking your stupid and naive enough to fall for his bull sh*t. What a loser.

Anyways I really think that you should take advantage of the holiday, why should he be able to go? No way!! Take a friend and take your mind off it and you'll soon realise your better off without him.

LegacyUser

To offer a slightly different perspective...

It's a bit weird, but not beyond the realms of possibility that he did this out of boredom and curiosity to see what reaction he got, without any intention of actually hooking up with anyone from the site.

Ask him to explain exactly why he did this, i.e. get him to expand on "I was bored", before doing anything rash.

LegacyUser

Boredom, or any derivitaves thereof is NOT an excuse. Even if he had no intention whatsoever of meeting up with a prospective date or quick f**k he found online (doubtable) it is simply NOT acceptable behaviour in a relationship so well established.

It's just not. This is a dumpable offense. It's worse than a drunken kiss with a stranger as it is calculated and ongoing. It is the ultimate violation of trust. If I caught my OH at this craic... gone. Straight away. I suggest the OP does the same.

daisybelle2008

Giving him a chance to explain it is code for 'if he makes up a good enough excuse I will pretend to believe it and we can carry on without the hassle of breaking up'.
He might grab onto the 'I got scared when we moved in together' life raft that you seem to be inventing for him.
He might also say he felt insecure and wanted to see if he was attractive or he loves you so much he felt overwhelmed and self destructive and did this silly thing. Or maybe he is a temp sex addict and he will have a counselling session and be ok again.
If you choose to buy that and continue on that is your perogotive. It will take a bit of effort for both of you to pretend one of those excuses and pretend it is all better.

But bottom line is he wanted to ball other chicks with no strings.

embermine

I don't think I would trust him. If he went very quiet, it seems abit suspicious. Where as if he was straight to it and reassured you then it is a bit more genuine. Of course that is just my opinion and it completely depends on how long you are with him.

LegacyUser

About 8 months ago , when i was wit my bf roughly 6 months, i was using his laptop. typing in www. he obviously had not deleted his history, because an escort site popped up and lots of girls' profiles on a social networking website we all know. i had a look, read some msgs,just general chit chat with these strange girls. i was shocked,taken aback because up until this i had completely trusted him. i confronted him,and he spun a few yarns, 'its only a bita craic' ... id never cheat,im not looking for anyone else,i love you'' i believed him.gave him the benefit of the doubt and we continued dating. About 3 months ago i needed to use his phone after i lost mine, a text popped up ''im horny xx'' checked his inbox, alot of messages going back and forth to a girl 6 years our junior. (we in our mid 20's) i confronted him, he was very apologetic,said it was just a laugh and he was just 'rippin the piss' outta her. This is where it looks so bad on paper,but i wanted to believe him,give him another chance. surely he would cop on now. we broke up last week, i found texts to a different girl he was arranging to meet her in a niteclub. enough was enough.
I have learned that once a guy has that devious way of thinking,while going out with somebody, its just obvious he is not as in to you as he should be. Its not a fault of yours, but his. Just say you let it pass, he deletes his account, it wil niggle in your mind for a long time...if not,it should!
There are,im sure, manys a guy out there that would never do that in a rship, we all deserve one of those guys, not the snakes!

will be tough if you do decide to dump him, but if you take my experience in to consideration, you are saving yourself from almost certain future hurt, so it is a rational enough reason to ditch him while its early stages of the deceit.

good luck!

LegacyUser

Exact same thing. Then you get all the lies from him and he starts to make you feel bad for doubting him. How is it these guys have a knack of turning the situation around and taking the focus off of themselves???

I think you should dump him and be in control. I didn't and regreat it as I still feel like he has the upper hand.

And just one more thing, you say he seemed so trustworthy and honest etc etc, so did my guy. His sister told me he sounds like the perfect person on paper,....so I suppose it give a bit of weight to the saying 'if you want to know me come live with me.....'

I hope you will be ok. I like you had lost my 2 best friends a couple of weeks before I met this guy and never got back in contact with them as he was telling me he was all I needed. I hope you get to make some new friends and get out and get back on with your life.

You dont need a life where you are constantly doubting him and wondering is it really you he wants.

Best of luck x

LegacyUser

I had an ex that did that to me too---- gave me the spiel about feeling insecure and wanting to help his confidence. Now I adored this man and trust me when I say that I worshipped the ground he walked on and treated him really good, but he then tried to push the blame onto me and say if I had made him feel... he wouldn't have gone on. But he had cheated on all his previous exes so I was a fool to think I'd be the one to change him..

Anyway... something I want to ask ye girls. Do you think men who have issues with their coc* size are the ones who are cheating the most out of insecurity and inability to live with it? It's something that I have thought may have been at the root of what my ex did.

shabaz

Hi There,

God I feel for you,but listen we have all been there and unfortunately with all these websites and dating sites it seems ppl are up to it more than ever before.

I was with my ex for over 4 years, like you had a 2 holidays booked one in two weeks time, had just started a new job, the very first day and came home and found this **** also on our laptop, i had my suspicions already but it was there in front of me there and then, and it didnt matter that i had the holiday in two weeks and one booked and paid for, for is 30th at the end of the year, also we were to go away that weekend and I was on my 1st day in my new job.....i confronted him and he knew he couldnt lie anymore to me so I told him to leave....and really this wasnt the issue there was probably other reasons as well he wasnt in love anymore but wasnt able to breakup...I was absolutely devastated, never felt soo hurt...but ya know what, by 6 months I was over him maybe not the break up but him and realised that he was not the one for me anyway....you will move on and find someone else like I have, that was 2 years ago, we still talk as we have a house together only if needing to discuss the house or whatever but it over...and you have to understand that....I personally couldnt let my heart or head be wrecked thinking is he cheating on me websites or whatever so I called it off there and then..

When you meet someone that loves you to bits and will do anything for you you will know...instead of these half arsed men out there that are 10 a penny.

And i am in my late 30ies so it was hard being single all over again but a growing experience so you will be fine.

Dont ever except second best!!

mrhydeandseek

Doesnt sound like a joke to me. I would get rid of him, you are better of with someone who doesnt try to get "no strings attached" fun from others while dating you. :rolleyes:

lynsalot

Hi OP

I started a thread about my husband who was registered on dating websites. It kinda became an obsession for me. Now there were things leading to this so I'm not suggesting you do what I do but we're getting separated.

My hubby wasn't spending any time with me. It's devastating to think you love someone and they're doing this behind your back. But deep down u have to know u deserve better hon. Honestly know, u know ur worth more. You wouldn't do this to him, and I can tell since you're concerned about it. It's not normal. If u wouldn't do it on him, then u shouldn't put up with it from him.

A holiday would be fantastic for you. Remember you're only responsible for yourself - don't make excuses for him. If he's sorry then fine, let him make it up to you. If not, you decide what u want. How this makes u feel... what u need from him to carry on. A break would help u think about these things.

If u wanna chat, just pm me... best of luck.