Confided secret coming out

LegacyUser

Hi, I am very apprehensive at the moment, years ago I confided in a workmate about some mental health issues I was having, hallucinations and intrusive thoughts. at the time, I didn't know what was happening and now I do and it is under control. She left the job and some new people came which I am very good friends with now and later so did I, we lost touch and I realised she was not a friend through various happenings but I am still friends with people working there. now she has returned and I am terrified once my name is mentioned she will tell them about this issue. I really don't want them to know because it is under control and I am embarrassed about it. I really don't know what to do, everytime my phone rings or i get a text I worry it is my friends letting me know they know.

The_Conductor

To be perfectly honest- if she is so petty as to bring up something like this years later- she is the one with a problem, not you. I know its embarassing- but the fact of the matter is its in the past- you had a few mental health issues, they have been diagnosed, you've received treatment, and its no longer a factor in your everyday life. If she does bring something like this up at some stage- its very easy to turn the tables on her- and show your colleagues what a petty spiteful wench she is- and believe you me, she will not make many friends when everyone is watching their 'p's and their 'q's around her......

I'd advise being courteous and professional with her- but don't try to chummy up to her. People move on all the time- you not being bossom buddies with her shouldn't mean anything whatsoever.

Stop worrying about your phone ringing- go enjoy yourself, do the things you enjoy doing.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Yeah you may feel embarrassed but if someone relayed that info to someone else they would sound really bitchy! In fact most people have had tough times in their lives and would have had fearful metal times, its so common, if i heard someone mention it to me about someone else i would think to stay away from that girl because if i share any of my life with her she will blab to everyone else.

It sounds like you feel a bit of shame about that time in your life and this girl is bringing that feeling up for you, hopefully things will settle down and you will feel better about being in work again, but really you have nothing to be ashamed about, when i suffered from depression and anxiety in my early 20's i was very open about it to my friends and family little did i know this would be viewed as a huge vulnerability because none of them knew how to deal with it, years later when i found the right people to be around and healed and was doing great, the same people went through their own tough times, and i was the first person they came to for advice, i was full of compassion and advice for them and they went on to heal themselves.

Surrounding yourself with trustworthy people is important, but no smart person would judge you on the words of someone else.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply, your advise is very helpful, I never thought about how she would look to everyone by revealing this. I've been running this over in my head and I am beginning to think maybe I should just tell them myself, but i'm afraid if I do this they will not treat me the same as usual and will be constantly checking up on me; I don't think a lot of people understand mental illness and think of the extremely bad cases and assume it is a lot worse than it is, that is why I am embarrassed about it. would I be mad to tell them in case she does?

LegacyUser

Original poster wrote: »

Thank you for your reply, your advise is very helpful, I never thought about how she would look to everyone by revealing this. I've been running this over in my head and I am beginning to think maybe I should just tell them myself, but i'm afraid if I do this they will not treat me the same as usual and will be constantly checking up on me; I don't think a lot of people understand mental illness and think of the extremely bad cases and assume it is a lot worse than it is, that is why I am embarrassed about it. would I be mad to tell them in case she does?

hey again,

Yes i agree that a lot of people dont understand mental illness and you can get easily judged, i wonder what age group you work around to see if they would be understanding,

Do you feel that if you did mention it to them that this girl would no longer be a threat, and if you didnt mention it would it drive you mad at the thoughts that this girl mught say something?

Is there anyone in there that you can trust?

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I wouldn't recommend confiding in your new friends this sort of information for the reason of beating her to the post... if you mention it to them, let it be for the right reasons ie real trust in real friendship.

The lesson is to be very careful who you confide in about sensitive/personal issues especially when in a workplace.

I have had people I work with confide personal matters to me and that's between me, them and the wall. I would think it extremely cruel and hurtful to divulge information like that due to falling out of favour and very petty.

It's not worth stressing about - if she does blab she'll be the one who will get weird looks and fall out of favour with others and others aren't going to be too trusting on a personal level.

LegacyUser

See i'm more afraid of her exaggerating what I told her and making me seem completely crazy because I did had some serious stuff going on in my head and I want to be known as F the friendly girl on reception not F the one with the mental illness. my colleagues are mainly in their mid 20's. I'm currently off sick with a different complaint and won't be back in work for a few months, so i'm nervous about going back when she's there, it will be awkward to say the least. It is bringing that awful time back to be and I don't want to go there again. I have a best friend from work who I am constantly in touch with and going out, I would love to open up and show her the real me, including the negatives but then i'm thinking why ruin a good thing. maybe I could have a work with my old mate I confided in and clear the air. I'm sorry I feel like I am going around in circles, will I won't I will I won't I. but i am taking on boards the advise and I really, really appreciate it.

thefeatheredcat

Bear in mind that the person you're worrying about might have changed and become a different person since you knew them.

tbh if your current work mates/friends take what your returning colleague says on face value without speaking to you about it, then shame on them! People do love to gossip, some will listen to it, either believe it or make up their own mind or talk to you about it.

imo if a returning work colleague came up to me spreading this kind of gossip about you behind your back either looking for attention/approval from a group to be part of a cliche or whatever I would be appauled and be concerned what's been said and would question its validity.

She may not remember it herself, she may have changed. Confronting her could bring up bad memories for her too, don't forget that. If things are still bad between ye, confronting her on it and dragging the past up may further a rift between ye.

It's probably all forgotten about now and in the past. From my experience, some things are better left there.

amdublin

I agree with what others are saying.

IF she does tell I think they will judge her for telling, rather than judging you for something that (a) you had no control over and (b) have dealt with.

Please don't be worrying about it.

LegacyUser

Original Poster wrote: »

See i'm more afraid of her exaggerating what I told her and making me seem completely crazy because I did had some serious stuff going on in my head and I want to be known as F the friendly girl on reception not F the one with the mental illness. my colleagues are mainly in their mid 20's. I'm currently off sick with a different complaint and won't be back in work for a few months, so i'm nervous about going back when she's there, it will be awkward to say the least. It is bringing that awful time back to be and I don't want to go there again. I have a best friend from work who I am constantly in touch with and going out, I would love to open up and show her the real me, including the negatives but then i'm thinking why ruin a good thing. maybe I could have a work with my old mate I confided in and clear the air. I'm sorry I feel like I am going around in circles, will I won't I will I won't I. but i am taking on boards the advise and I really, really appreciate it.

Hey op,

I know what your feeling, work can be a place that you want it to be easy to be around because your there on a daily basis, if you have been working there for a while people will have gotten to know you and will trust your character, like if someone told me in work that the girl on the reception had a time a few years ago where she had hallucinations etc i would not judge that person negatively if i had worked with them, but i know a small minded person might but their opinions are not worth wanting anyway,

i could take this advice myself but i think you just need to be more confident in yourself, and believe in yourself and the people that matter would not judge you for experiencing a mental health issue-especially anyone senior,

if you felt like opening up to your friend in work and you trust her to understand and keep it to herself then maybe this could be a start, i think your just looking for ways to go back to work and not feel anxious and then she could give you advice on the people who may not be worth telling.

How friendly is the girl who has returned and you are worried about is she friendly with most people?,

She may also be worried you might mention something about her,

I think it would be nice for you if you did not have to worry about this issue every time a worker looked at you because you think someone has said something, it must be making you very anxious, and dont worry about being confused, i would be too.

kittenkiller

What I would do is stay quiet and not mention anything about anything until you need to.
If she spills to your other colleagues, it will reflect very badly on her.
But also, there's nothing to say you can't just say you were pulling her leg because you thought she was far to nosey for a workplace!

To be honest, anyone with a bit of cop on would keep their mouth shut about the whole thing. Gossip about someone's health is very dangerous ground in the office.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your kind reply, I've slept on the matter and I'm going to tell my best friend. If i'm honest with myself she probably has an incline, because although its under control some of the effects like to make an appearance every once and a while; although she never said anything. see the girl coming back is the sort that gets on with everyone, really pretty, really over friendly all rounder sort of person so I know she'll be a hit with the people she doesn't already know - i'm afraid she'll let it slip 'accidentally' oh how is F getting on? etc...
I think telling my friend will help put my mind at ease because if anything is said I know she'll let me know and stick up for me in the sense that she will not let her spread anything about me around the workplace. I'm 99% sure she will treat me the same as usual, but will probably check up on me all the time!! If it does get out to everyone maybe i'm not the only one, I just want people to know that I am the person they already know. I feel like I am back in school again worrying about what might happen, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about everybody knowing; It took me a long time to settle into 'normal' life nd i'll have nobody ruin it for me. but if it happens she will look the fool not me; and I will just explain, this is what was wrong, this is how I overcame it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,


I can only reiterate what other posters have said here.... but lets look at this rationally.

First off, this girl is probably too busy with her own concerns (we all have them) to think too much about you... BUT: worst case scenario - she blabs (well people do gossip).... most people have had their own mental problems from time to time and most people will not judge you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself. Anyone mature will empathise, and tbh, its very very unlikely that any of it would ever come back to your face. So, worrying about this is a waste of time. People like gossip, sure, for entertainment value, but whether I like/respect/care about someone/have a laugh with them is actually based on how I myself interact with them, not on stale gossip. This is especially true in a work environment. I've worked with people who have gone out-and-out nutso in an offensive agressive way (psychotic episodes)... and yet they have still been well liked despite the mishaps.

You're a work-in-progress. We are all changing and having good times and bad times. People understand that.

LegacyUser

Original poster wrote: »

Thank you all for your kind reply, I've slept on the matter and I'm going to tell my best friend. If i'm honest with myself she probably has an incline, because although its under control some of the effects like to make an appearance every once and a while; although she never said anything. see the girl coming back is the sort that gets on with everyone, really pretty, really over friendly all rounder sort of person so I know she'll be a hit with the people she doesn't already know - i'm afraid she'll let it slip 'accidentally' oh how is F getting on? etc...
I think telling my friend will help put my mind at ease because if anything is said I know she'll let me know and stick up for me in the sense that she will not let her spread anything about me around the workplace. I'm 99% sure she will treat me the same as usual, but will probably check up on me all the time!! If it does get out to everyone maybe i'm not the only one, I just want people to know that I am the person they already know. I feel like I am back in school again worrying about what might happen, I feel sick to my stomach thinking about everybody knowing; It took me a long time to settle into 'normal' life nd i'll have nobody ruin it for me. but if it happens she will look the fool not me; and I will just explain, this is what was wrong, this is how I overcame it.

Hi Again,

Sounds like a good plan to talk to your best friend, and i think it will be really nice to have her support, honestly when you say it out loud it will not sound half as bad as you think it does and i hope it gives you a lot of relief to share and trust someone with your inner most secrets. Your friend sounds like a nice person and she will look out for you and i think it is great you have each other in work.

If the girl does make a comment about you like ' oh how is she doing now with her problems' ? I bet the rest of the group will be like who her, what do you mean she's lovely, or we never noticed because she fine, as you said your friend probably has an in cling, others could too but they have already accepted you!

This has also be an opportunity for you to confront the shame you have about having this illness, i think it is better to experience things like this because it is part of you growing and moving onto to the next step in your life, from confronting your fear here you have really made your life better.

If the worse thing you ever did in life was to get overly emotional in work because of a mental illness then you are an angel in life, there are people out there being nasty and making life hell for others, you are just trying to be a good person, I think you should give yourself a lot of credit and be very proud of coming through your hard times and recovering, you are probably a lot stronger than you think and you should believe in that going forward.


I wish you all the luck in the world xx

LegacyUser

I toldher. at the time it felt great, a real weight off my mind and very supportive. we'd usually be in contact by phone or text every other day but i've got no replies, except for once when we spoke briefly and she said she had to go she was busy.
Am I just being paranoid?

thefeatheredcat

When you unburden yourself with something quite personal, it can be quite hard for them to absorb it all; it takes time.

If she was ok and very reassuring with you there and then, then look at that way now. Obviously you don't want the same thing to happen again with this person. Accept that she is genuinely busy with things.

Don't let the doubts and insecurities get to you. Be confident in the reassurance and support given. Treat it as though the conversation never happened (ie, your behaviour to one another is the same now as it was beforehand) and get on with things.

If over time you don't hear from her and really feel that what you told her is the reason (and not anything else) then just shrugg it off and don't let it bother you too much.