Self conciciousness holding me back.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Basically im a 21 year old male student and theres a major barrier in my life that iv had pretty much all my life which is holding me back from ever being really happy about my self and my life. I think its a self confidence/self esteem issue as i find it really hard to talk to people and get really self concious around people and just literally focus all my attention on my self and freeze up when in other peoples company, i get these kind of automatic negative thoughts into my head that i am not good enough and that people will see my shortcomings and awkwardness and i find ways of leaving the conversation asap. This is holding me back from ever having close relationship with people and especially women in my life. I find my self constantly trying to avoid situations where i will have to talk to some people especially those of opposite sex i just feel as if they will find me boring and uninteresting. It is really getting me down at this stage as i feel i am throwing away my youth and college years which are supposed to be the best years of ones life. I have some friends in college and when i see them being able to enjoy there lives and freely chat and have conversations with others and women it really eats away at me deep down, alot of the time i retreat into myself and cannot focus on others as i am thinking too much about my issues. I feel different and i am constanly comparing my self to others wishing i was able to be like these guys full of confidence and humor etc... At this stage it has affected me so much that i have lost interest in alot of the things that gave me pleasure in the past like friends family etc i just feel really withdrawn 24/7 and my eating and sleeping habits have changed and my college work is really on top of me. I use alcohol to feel somewhat more confident when on a night out as i feel if i didnt have it i wouldnt be able to perform socially, which is really irritating for me as it is affecting my health and energy levels as i smoke aswell to ease my anxietys. In the past this has affected me as i left college after about 6 weeks as i just was not able to cope, but i went back again the year after to do a different coarse in a different college as i knew it was something i had to do to make progression. I really like the college im in now, but just feel i am not making the most of it. As i child i got some hassle off other kids and this made me feel really left out and rejected, i was never really able to talk to my parents about personal issues either and i think these may be some of the factors that have lead to the way i am feeling. In the past i spoke to college councillers about it but could not really open up to them, last year i went on a coarse of anti depressants for about 2 months but i feel these are just masking the underlying problem and dont really belive in them too much although they did help me somewhat. I am talking to an independant counciller at the moment and feel im making prrogress slowly i still have major problems opening up. Anyway i dont want to sound like a moan but it is really bugging me if anyone can realate to this and has some positive advice on the matter it would be great, i really want to chance my inner thoughts,
thanks

mattn

Reading your post i felt i had to make a comment. I have been having almost identical problems to yours, i can totally relate to what you're saying.More than once have i thought i'm wasting the best years of my life, but then i realise that life really is what you make it(wthout sounding cliched). I am a 20 year old student who seizes up in social situations that involve more than 3 people especially when it comes to talking to girls my age. It's extremely frustrating for me not only because i know i have it in me to be charming, funny and charismatic, but because it's a problem that recurs and becomes a vicious circle.
I would look at girls fawning over other guys and become very jealous like you, wishing that was me. It has been a recurring theme in my life. All i can say that the only way to overcome this obstacle is to actually plough on through it. Recently i have been increasingly saying to myself 'just do it', and have gone up to people i hardly know and made a big impression on them. I have no idea where i got the courage to do that but it just proves that anybody can make an impression.All you need to do is believe you can do it and not beat yourself up about these social situations.Taking action is the key.Once you realise that you are no different than anyone else, your perspective on things gets a whole lot better and it gets easier to go out there and take risks:). What i'd say to you is look at the positive and focus intently on what you have to offer ,not what you can't offer to people. From my experience its usually the shy or self sonscious who are always the most interesting because those kinds of people inherently have inbuilt character and talents many of those guys you're talking about could only wish they had. I know it's tough for you, but you have to keep in mind that these things never last and it will become a whole lot better for you;). I think you shouldn't take things so seriously, i know that was my mistake anyways! I hope this helps.

Crow71

Hey op, reading your post gave me goosebumps as I have the exact same problems as you. Im in college too and it is also holding me back but I feel im getting better all the time. God bless you and I hope things work out for you soon

thefeatheredcat

This is going to sound really easy but stop letting your lack of self confidence and esteem control you.

I gather you're not used to having the attention focused on you probably because you've probably always been in the background. When attention is suddenly given it can be scary and daunting. I often find myself either babbling on about something irrelevant or clam up and at times not be be making sense; Personally I don't feel the need for constant validation through having attention focused on me, but through lack of confidence/esteem I'd be uncomfortable with it at times when off-guard.

You're lucky that you feel this way now about it than in 10 years time, wasting your life staring at the ground instead of meeting people.

Challenge yourself with little tasks/goals to overcome your confidence.

The only person that you need to open up to is yourself; you have to be honest with yourself and trust yourself with what you think and what you feel about yourself.

Tackle the roots of the problem head on and the habits and behaviours that its rendered. If you really want to change, then change. Nobody else is going to make you.

If you're honest with yourself you can start opening up to other people about your experiences and feelings. You'll have more confidence in yourself in acknowledging that you'll have admitted and faced harsh truths. You'll feel better for it.

LegacyUser

Well OP your certainly not alone.
This forum always has a few posts running by 20 something guys who are way to shy.
I'm the guy wondering how you actually get a girlfriend!
I cant totally emphasise with you. Its only been in the last two years that I actually gained some confidence.
Now if you read my thread maybe Im not the best guy to be getting advice from but.....
I was exactly like you for most of my life. In secondary school I could not speak in a group of people. I was really jealous of the guys who could actually interact with the girls and I saw myself as ugly.
Unfortunately it was a vicious cycle. Because of my low self esteem I stopped eating right, sleeping right and my personal hygiene took a dive.
By the way Im not telling you this to make me look good Im telling you this because you may find it helpful.
Anyway to continue
I was always bullied in school, by absolutely everyone so this never helped.
The only way I ever got out of that rut, of feeling like ****, was believe it or not just interacting with people.
My confidence was still low from all the bullying and I still genuinely believed I was boring and worthless. But the more I interacted with people the more I saw of myself.
I realised I was interesting and funny, and god damn it I still am.
Really OP what Im trying to say is, its a viscous circle. Your afraid to talk to people because you think your not worth talking to.
However unless you talk to people no one will ever be able to tell you otherwise. I dont even know you and I gaurantee you are just as interesting as anyone of the other guys because people always turn out to be.
If you ask me you just need to break the pattern it will take alot of effort to do it, but unless you do all you have to look forward to is living your life in its present state which you clearly arent happy with.
Please dont rely on alcohol to do the work for you. Thats how you'll become an alcoholic which I nearly did.
From the bottom of my heart and with all sincerity, good luck OP I know it tough.
Sorry I cant be of more help but I'm not a counsellor.

ssornareik

Whilst reading your post i actually thought to my self "Hey, did i write this? This sounds exactly like me once"

I once felt like this before, i used to feel I was never any good at anything and it really hurt when people would be picked for a team and i wouldn't. I hated getting off a bus because I didn't want to walk up the isle and turn around to go down stairs, i hated it when there was a queue to get off the bus and i was facing the whole top floor. It was like being on stage and everyone staring. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me.

I'm not going to go on as you have covered everything in your post but what i will say is this... It gets easier and it gets better. You'll have a lot of time on your hands when you're in college to think these negative thoughts but once you get a 9-5 job monday to friday, you'll be so occupied. It really help when you get a girlfriend too because you become so comfortable doing whatever you want and you wont hold back with anything you say. (try and find someone like yourself, don't go for girls who are so extroverted)

When i was in college, The one thing that really helped me (and still does) is to focus right in on other people, listen to what they say and how they act, You'll notice they aren't doing anything you would do different. If they are talking to strangers and are joking, the joke probably isn't even funny, people will just laugh to maintain a good atmosphere and a good mood.

I don't know if this advise will help but remember to watch others and judge them (in your head). You'll be presently surprised that these people are in fact idiots and it will make you feel better. It worked for me.