Like a girl with Arranged Marriage

LegacyUser

I'm a 28 year old guy, originally from Dublin, but living in the UK, the last couple of years. I met a girl about a month ago. Her parents are both Muslims from India, but she's not religious. She was born and raised in North London, where I live.
She's an amazing girl. Smart, interesting and funny. I've had a few long term relationships, and I've never liked anyone as much as I like her. And, thankfully, she really likes me too.
There is one major problem. She has a husband in India. Basically her conservative parents tricked (in my opinion) her into going on holiday to India, and there they "forced" (her words) her to marry a guy there. At the moment this guy is trying to arrange a visa to come to the UK to live with her.
Now, she doesn't like this guy at all. In fact she told me once that she "hates his guts". However, she's very close to her parents. Still lives at home, and they are adamant that the marriage will work. She's tried telling them that she doesn't like the guy but they fob her off with "You'll grow to love him. Just give him time".

Personally, I know its part of Indian culture, but I find this thing abhorrent, and I don't want this girl to have to spend the rest of her life married to some guy she doesn't even like. Actually, to be perfectly frank, the idea makes my blood boil. But equally so, I don't want her to have a big falling out with her parents. She lives with them, and works for her Dad, so it's a very delicate situation.

I've kissed her, but I haven't moved things any further until I'm certain about what I want to do. I really do like, maybe even love her, but the stakes are very high. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Kevster

You make a very good point in your message and it's the fact that you recognise that this marriage is part of their culture. You might not like it - and might not lik it either - but it's their culture and - legally- it is legitimate. You have no right to interfere with this and disrupt their way of living. I suggest - strongly - that you back off and look elsewhere. You don't have to like what's happened to her, but you will have to accept it.

There is no way out of this where everyone can be happy, but the best way is for you to leave their family alone and not rip it apart.

Kevin

CDfm

I have one Indian friend who had an arranged marriage and it worked out. His wife is a wonderful woman. Another who works in IT it hasn't.

There is a part of me that says dont get involved -she is a married woman and an adult and you have met her somewhere as a single guy. She went to India, grew up in UK and knows the drill on arranged marriages and it is no secret.

She is in the UK and there is plenty of help she can do to get out of it. She would need to make huge sacrifices.

The other thing would she be prepared to make those sacrifices for you and you for her.

It might work out but it is a hell of a responsibility if it doesnt because once you make the move it is done.You yourself like her but dont know if you love her and you havent really gotten to know her.

I know you will probably get a lot of posts about helping her escape and its anti-women etc but sometimes you cant help a willing victim.

How far would you go with this? Given the opportunity in the morning would you marry her?

Monkey61

I understand that from your point of view this sounds abhorrent (and believe me from mine it is too) but the fact is that it is her religion and her culture and she has already gone through with it.

Considering the fact that she is living in the UK there is plenty that she can do to extricate herself from it, should she be so determined. I am not sure of exact details but there are definitely support groups for that kind of thing. But the big thing that jumped out at me from your post is that she doesn't really seem willing to do anything about it. She is close to her parents, still, working and living with them, despite the fact that they "tricked" her and forced her to do something against her will. She obviously understands their belief system and honour and respects it enough to not want to actually take any steps to escape from it, but is still willing to cheat on her husband, emotionally and by kissing you - you who she has only known for a month.

Obviously she could be very torn etc, but it doesn't sound like she has any intention of cutting herself off from her parents and alienating her whole family for you. It wouldn't be easy for her morally and stuff, but on a practical level, it wouldn't be that hard at all.

I know you like her, but essentially by pursuing this you are disrespecting her, her family and her culture, which I personally don't think is a very nice thing to be doing. She has not asked you to save her and because it is her culture I doubt that she finds the whole thing as abhorrent and unforgivable as you do, or else she wouldn't be so close to her parents still. Yes they have "forced" her into an arranged marriage, but it doesn't sound like they have been locking her up, beating and starving her and stopping her from associating with non-Muslims - things that happen everyday in London to many Muslim women.

I think you need to leave well enough alone. You have only known her a month, you are infatuated. It is not your place to destroy her relationship with her family and perhaps her whole life by trying to carry on some sort of affair with her. It is not respectful and in a way could be viewed as abhorrent too. Before anything could happen between you she needs to choose between her culture/religion and you, in an open, practical and non-sneaky way. And for someone who has only known you a month that is a big ask. Have you talked about these things with her?

Until she decides what she wants in life, you really should not be kissing her or doing anything else.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am living near where you are and have come across this type of situation before. If your friend is in danger or needs help then please refer her to http://www.nawp.org/, I have had dealings with them before and they are very good. They help Asian women with, amongst other things, arranged marriages. It is in Newham so a bit of a distance from North London but perhaps she could call them or contact them.

Another thing, I would completely agree with the above poster in saying that you shouldn't get involved with this girl. Asian culture (as you know) take these things very very seriously and you may be placing yourself in danger by interfering. You will be p*ssing off her family and his family and the fact that you are not Asian will make it worse. I know this all sounds very dramatic but best to err on the side of caution!

miec

don't want her to have a big falling out with her parents. She lives with them, and works for her Dad, so it's a very delicate situation.

Hi Op

Having lived in the UK in an area that was predominately asian, I made a lot of asian friends and got some understanding of their culture so I would say to you that if she leaves her arranged marriage to be with you, it is very, very likely that she will lose her family. I believe it is very possible there could be a big falling out, if they are the type to trick her into an arranged marraige they are also the types that would react violently if she breaks apart from the marriage. You could be heading into some very difficult territory and I would suggest you lay your cards on the table, tell her how you feel about her, ask her would she be willing to leave her husband for you (if you want this). You will then get some idea of how her family would react because she would let you know the risks involved. You then have to decide if it is worth that stress. I would also suggest getting in touch with that organisation that another poster mentioned so you can get a clearer idea of other people's experience.

Moomoo1

I think there is no moral reason to not go for it. Yes, in her culture you'd be committing adultery, but you have no obligation to abide by someone else's culture. If some other culture decrees that all Jews must be murdered for example, that does not mean you have an obligation to murder Jews too.

I think you need to make your intentions clear to her, and also you'd need to be bloody sure that you're in this for the long term, as you wouldn't want to leave her high and dry with neither you nor the family in a few years' time.

thefeatheredcat

Whoa you only met this girl in the last month!

How long ago did this arranged marriage take place? Is she taking steps in sorting herself out realistically or just confiding in you?

I would be wary of getting too involved with only knowing her a short time...be careful that you're not getting in the middle of something you're not fully understanding.

However, do be supportive of her and her situation but look out for yourself too. It's not an easy to go by in life after seeing someone in that sort of situation (personally I don't agree with arranged marriages) without wanting to help out, fair play to you for wanting to help her.