Can it last if the sex is not good?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing my boyfriend since June. He made all the effort, and still does, if I'm honest. He chased me, really persued me to go out and I was so impressed I agreed to a date. We've been together since then. I was not really physically attracted to him at first but really wanted to give things a try as he is fantastic and crazy about me (tells me this all the time) and the attraction has really grown, something I was skeptical about but now I'm really into him. I had broken up with someone very shortly after a brief relationship before meeting new boyfriend and my ex was amazing in bed. We really clicked in terms of sexual compatibility but it was not a long-term thing and we decided to end it.
I think my previous partner has spoiled me. Sex with the new man just does not even come close to that which I had with my last partner. It is really nice and I look forward to it, but it is only ok. We've tried a few different positions, different things (mainly at my prompting) but I have never orgasmed with him and sometimes I find myself fantasising about the sex with my ex during sex with my current partner. Is this normal? He never lasts very long and while he is concerned about me not orgasming, his only suggesting has been for us to use a vibrator during sex, something I am just not into and find off putting, as I feel like it might make him feel inadequate.
Can you make a relationship work if this is an issue? I don't think he thinks its an issue but it certainly is becoming one for me. I should say he is AMAZING in every other way, he is cute, intelligent, funny and everything else I've been looking for in a man. I'm hoping the sex will improve, but right now it's getting to feel like a chore, even though we're only together a few months. Can it get better? When does it get to be a deal breaker?
Thanks for reading.

John Mason

have you told him how to make you cum?

have to you told him what you like ?

have you actually discussed this with him?

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I was in your exact position last year, went out with a guy I wasnt particularly mad about but who seemed really good on paper and ended up mad about him, but like that sex, was mostly going through the motions as much as we tried new things all the time. The problem for me was not enough or good enough foreplay really.

I also didnt want to use a vibrator for fear of freakin him out, but what I did do was get a clitoral stimulator and we use that together and I have to say ever since the sex is AMAZING and Im always after him now. A clitoral stimulator wont freak him out and if you use it on your own first you can show him what to do or he can just watch you or you can even use it on him. I found it a real help and opened the door to great sex!

Look, youve got a great guy that seems to really care about you and your orgasm (woohoo) so dont waste it and you have to teach him and tell him what to do how to do it (while this can be a turn off initially, once he gets the hang of it, it will be great!) and have whole nights where you are only allowed foreplay and you will be amazed at how turned on you get and then the two of yous are so hungry for each other it will be great.

Just coz the sex isnt great now and doesnt come naturally doesnt mean it will never be like that, so go for it!

Best of luck!!!

LegacyUser

Yes, we have discussed it at length. After we had had sex a few times, he brought up the fact I hadn't orgasmed and wanted to know what he could do to make me come. I made a few suggestions, which he was very eager to do, he tried everything but no big O. He then asked about sex toys and I mentioned I came very easily with a vibrator. He wants to try this, but I never had to resort to this with the ex. Plus, I've read other threads where guys said they were threatened or felt inadequate when their GF needed a vibrator so I don't want him to feel like he has to whip it out every time we have sex. The lack of orgasms doesn't bother me as much as that the sex generally doesn't set my world on fire, unlike my ex where we could not be alone together without getting in on. I just don't have the same sexual connection with my new man and want to know if this is normal.

kenbrady

lulublue wrote: »

Yes, we have discussed it at length. After we had had sex a few times, he brought up the fact I hadn't orgasmed and wanted to know what he could do to make me come. I made a few suggestions, which he was very eager to do, he tried everything but no big O. He then asked about sex toys and I mentioned I came very easily with a vibrator. He wants to try this, but I never had to resort to this with the ex. Plus, I've read other threads where guys said they were threatened or felt inadequate when their GF needed a vibrator so I don't want him to feel like he has to whip it out every time we have sex. The lack of orgasms doesn't bother me as much as that the sex generally doesn't set my world on fire, unlike my ex where we could not be alone together without getting in on. I just don't have the same sexual connection with my new man and want to know if this is normal.

If you cum easily with a vibrator and he tried all your suggestions, and still no joy. I suspect it's down to the fact you just don't fancy him and this is preventing you from getting there.

Who/What do you think about when using the vibrator ? and you talk about you ex a lot are you over him.

Dinxminx

Guys are not the same, and some people are more sexually compatible than others. There's no way around this; if you want it to be good, you're going to have to put in some teaching hours. Or at the very least, practice. Sex is really important in a relationship - without it you're really just friends.

Good luck!

Miss Sunshine

lulublue wrote: »

I never had to resort to this with the ex..... unlike my ex .

I really think you need to stop comparing this new man to your ex. It's not far at all to him. You're never going to enjoy sex with him if you keep expecting it be like it was with your last bf. If you try new things (like sex toys) it my becone better than previous sexual relationships.

I'm actually a bit concerned that you may still be a bit hung up on your ex, you mention him a lot. I understand that the sex was great with him but you've also said that this new man is great in everyway. This in itself could be a turn if you stop expecting him to out preform your ex. He's caring enough to be concerned that you can't reach the big O so he's going to try anything.

My advice is to either deal with your issues with your ex, if there are any. If not, forget about him and try loads of new things with your new man. Maybe go to sex shop together and get some toys that'll you'll both enjoy. Also, don't be afraid to ask him stop during sex and just work on you if he's getting to the finish line way ahead of you.

shellyboo

Ok, so you want your new man to be just as good in bed as your ex, and in the exact same way? That's not really fair.

You say he can't make you climax - well, that's pretty common. He's tried lots of things and it's not happening. He's asking you what he can do, looking for ways to help - and you won't let him, because your ex didn't need to?

That's pretty selfish and very unfair. Either give the bloke a proper chance or cut him loose. It's not fair for you to be holding him up to your ex all the time. Apprecitate him for him.

Beruthiel

irishbird wrote: »

have you told him how to make you cum?

That would by my first question too.
He's not a mind reader and if you haven't given him the correct instructions and helped him along, I can't see how he is ever going to get anywhere with you.

seahorse

lulublue wrote: »

I just don't have the same sexual connection with my new man and want to know if this is normal.

Well of course it's normal but it doesn't necessarily make for positive future prospects, especially when you've run into this problem after four months!

What I'm sensing from your posts is not that you necessarily want to experience the same sex you had before, but that you want the same level of excitement and passion. In my opinion, two people either spark that way or they dont. Four months is VERY early days to be finding a relationship lacking in the passion stakes.

Wagon

I really hope you aren't telling him how good your ex was in the sack. I kind of get the impression that you have but maybe im wrong. Whatever you think about a vibrator damaging a blokes confidence, the last thing any man wants to hear is how some ex boyfriend or just some bloke you were seeing was better. And i don't think its a maturity thing, its just that we don't want to know.

Also another thing, i can't see this relationship lasting from what you've posted. You mention your ex a lot. You don't need to. If you aren't having the sexual connection with this bloke then you should probably break up, because as someone pointed out, you're just friends then and you'll possibly end up resenting him for it.

LegacyUser

Can't see it lasting...

You appear still hung up on your ex !!

And yes..satisfying sex is required for a lasting loving relationship..

Unfortunately I've had lots of experience seeking the RIGHT girl..my right girl has many many qualities but one of them is compatibility in bed..glad to say I've found her !

It is exactly the same for woman (in my experience..) so as some other posters have said, you end up being kinda 'just friends'..not good enough..he's not for you but probably is for someone else ...... IMO !!