Homesickness

LegacyUser

I'm a 21 year old guy, and I've been living in England for over three years now. I came over on my own (to do a job I thought was great), leaving behing my mother, and two young sisters who are now six and nine.

When I look back, I think about how gutsy I must have been, I gave no thought to anything other than getting out of Ireland. I think of the achievements I've made over here - I've become independent, I have the same job I had when I came over first, etc...

I've just spent two weeks back home - brought the car over and spent the time being looked after and just spending quality time with the family.

When I left the house yesterday to go take the ferry back, I was fighting back tears. Just before going, the six year old sister came up to the car window and gave me a hug. As I pulled away I just started balling my eyes out, all the way to the port. On the boat was the same, and pretty much on the four hour drive the other side.

I find myself welling up at the oddest things - thinking about the teddy bear I gave my sister a few years ago, the little flower in the door pocket of my car that she picked for me when we went on a walk and left there. It's only really just hit me the last few weeks - I'm almost completely out of their life, and they get so upset when I leave (as does my mother).

I'm just an emotional wreck. I have few friends in the UK so I'm left alone with my thoughts and emotions.

Feel really depressed, and terribly homesick. I thought homesickness was meant to be more of an issue in the first few weeks, not after three years of being away?

LegacyUser

Oh, forgot to mention, it's all made worse by the fact that I won't be able to get back for Christmas this year, and I don;t really enjoy my job any more so I just feel like I'm stuck over here because now's not a good time to be changing jobs and I couldn;t make the same money in Ireland.

LegacyUser

hey Homesick...
26 year old woman now, but I went through something similar a few years ago. Had been living in UK for almost 3 years, from the age of 19-21, then was home for a bit, then went back across. Second time there was *so*difficult! I was only there a few months, and then my Gran passed away. Found it so hard to go back to the UK knowing everyone was devastated at home, and that no-one in the UK could relate to my devastation at the time. I was lucky in that I had planned to be coming home about 8 months after she passed away anyways, so I knew I had that to look toward, but the 8mths were very difficult.

I'd say it's tough for you to see your little sisters changing, and you not being there for those changes, be it the small stuff like school or friends, or just the physical/mental stuff, getting taller/smarter etc. I found just keeping a diary, writing down a lot of the stuff I was going through helped. Even if you only burn it afterwords, you might find it helpful just to get the emotions "out" if you will. Of the friends you have there, is there any of them you could talk to? Even just jokingly at first saying, "God, I think I'm kinda homesick now and again, missing my little sisters & Mam, etc." and seeing how people take it?

I used to find the first few days back were the worst. You start noticing all the little differences between home and the Uk, and they really get you down, even though there's probably (in my case) times when you've been in Ireland and you miss the UK.

I suppose the best advice of sorts I can give you, is to remind yourself of why you're in the UK-the independence you have, the life you've created for yourself there. Try to imagine yourself being back home, without the novelty of only being there for a few weeks-the normal life-school runs, helping round the house, the lack of freedom to stay out all night/crash on the couch all night/do your own thing round the house-it's not as appealing that way!

And do try and talk about it! I don't know if there's any kind of Irish community near you? The first year or two there, I avoided them, I thought it was a stupid idea. But when I was homesick, I found people there who understood what I was on about, and helped me at times. Plus, you never know who you'll meet there!

Don't really know what else to say, other than big hugs, and hope it'll come good for ya, xx

Overheal

Keep in touch more. seriously. there have been wonderful advanced in transportation AND telecommunications technology. Send the fam a webcam enabled laptop and you can have skype video conversations or something.

The Sweeper

+1 to the increased communication. Also, take short trips more often - it's not expensive to get from the UK back to Ireland. You don't have to blow all your cash having major sessions with your old friends every time you come back.

I haven't lived in Ireland for around eight years, but homesickness can strike at the oddest times, and over the oddest things. You can ward it off by staying in contact more often - I speak to my parents more now, on Skype, than I used to when I lived in Dublin and could get out to their house within an hour!

cafecolour

I've been away from home for about 15 years now, and this year I got hit with homesickness stronger than any other. It certainly happens.

As others have said, keep in touch more, use webcams, etc. Don't be afraid to tell them how much you miss them.

Also though, I'd definitely focus on building a stronger social network where you are. I'd say the lack of folks around you in the UK are a hugely contributing factor.

LegacyUser

I agree with all the other posters on increased communication & building up a social network in the UK.

However if you really feel you want to come back home then it may be possible. Despite the terrible jobs situation here there are some jobs out there depending on what sector you work in & the part of the country you are from.

You need to think it through carefully though and make sure it's the right thing for you to do. You may miss what you currently have in the UK if you do decide to come back home.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Well what if you give yourself another month to see if your feelings lift a bit, and why dont you explore the idea of going home and what you could create for yourself back there, then weigh up the pro's and cons after the month and you will prob see the best decision for you. You may decide to stay for another year and build up enough money to come home, you may decide to get on a plane and get outta there.

I am a firm believer in never doing anything that is too hard, or that makes you unhappy- like if you can make your life better i think it you should try, there is more to life than a job and money, i always let my heart rule me rather than my head, is there any reason why it wouldnt work out at home i know jobs are hard to find at the moment but maybe you could try find one before you leave your current job.

I get the impression that family is really important to you what was the reaction from your parents when you left do they really miss you too and where they sad you could not be home for xmas?

Getting a new social life in England might help, but there is nothing wrong with being a home bird either and wanting to be around the people you love, what ever makes you happy you should follow IMO.

wylo

Agreed with the above , you have only one life OP why waste it by being unhappy. I think as you get older or the longer your away the more you realise how important family and friends are, not to mention the feeling of Irishness around you.
My brother lives in England but comes home almost every weekend now. Granted its a temporary situation for him so its different but hes not paying much for flights.
If your truly unhappy over there dont stay, but if it was just a small bout of homesickness then maybe you should stay if you like it there.

LegacyUser

Thanks eeryone for your encouraging replies.

Moving back to Ireland would be great but I have cards and a car loan to pay off (though my mother has said she'd be happy to help there once she gets some inheritance money through).

My current job, which I'm not terribly fond of any more, is in the aviation industry. There are no jobs equivalent to mine in Ireland at the moment, and even if there were they'd be on seasonal contracts, wheras here I have the security of a permanent position. I could move to a different line of work but at the moment my qualifactions aren't anything to shout about and I'd be lucky to match the £25-30k I'm earning over here. I did work in technical support before moving over, but that job with that company has been sent to India.

I enjoy my job security and earnings here, but that's about it. I definitely don't enjoy the job any more.

I used to travel home quite a lot but flights have become more expensive and my industry concessions are no use on London-Dublin flights. I also have another job that I do on my days off from the main one to try and pay the cards off.

I try to phone home as much as possible but it's just not the same really

I think part of it is that I just don't know what direction I'm going in. If I truly enjoyed the job I'm doing here I'd be much happier - my mindset at the minute is: "I've left eerything behind... for this?". But changing jobs is just not really an option at the moment. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I never thought I could miss Ireland so much, I left thinking it was a backward country where I couldn't possibly have a future. Now I realise it's where I belong. The UK, I'm sad to say, is largely a soul-less, anonymous place. You can't just walk down the street and say hello to the people you pass, you daren't even make eye contact. The countries seem so alike but it amazing how different they really are. The sense of humour, the words they don't understand (press [cupboard], yoke [thing], etc...).

I'd love to make more friends over here but I'm quite a shy, socially-inept, and not very confident.

Can I go back to being 10 and start over?

Thanks again for the replies so far all.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

I feel for you. It's tough. You'll get through it though. Homesickness comes and goes.

You mentioned you're shy and somewhere I think I read only a few friends....maybe you're missing out on social engagements and attention in your life in general? Being among family and friends that you haven't seen can highlight that.

With your job...I've read this in various posts recently in this forum and people are feeling guilty about not happy with their jobs given the climate. It's saddening.
If you're not happy in your job and there's no way to improve it by altering your role/change then you may have to face up to either being stuck in a job that no longer fulfils you or changing/quit job at the risk of not getting another.

Outline what opportunities are there in your job, extra training to boost your qualifications, have a look what's on offer in partnership companies, things like that.
Get focused on how you want to earn a living.

You have the choice to make a big change by moving back here... Have a think if that's what you really want. Your family may be here, but what else is there for you? What will you be going back to? Have a talk with your family about it all.

In the end, what matters is that you're happy. Your family aren't going to think any less of you whatever you decide, they love and care for you. They want what's best for you.

In the meantime, make some eye contact and smile. You never know who you might meet! Enrich the life that you have right now, try out new things...it takes courage and thick skin at times but it's worth it.

Overheal

OP exactly what is your position and qualification in the Aeronautics Industry? Im curious..

LegacyUser

Nothing exciting. I push a trolley in a big metal tube, dish out food and drink, get to go down big inflatable slides every now and then, etc etc.

Pretty basic semi-skilled customer service work, but it pays well for what it is, even though it's not very fulfilling at all.

There's no crew jobs going in Ireland. Lingus isn't recruiting, and won't be for a long time. Ryanair is just not an option. And the rest are seasonal.

It's basically a bit of a braindead job, working with different people all the time, most of whom have big egos and make the working day a misery.

LegacyUser

Homesick wrote: »

Nothing exciting. I push a trolley in a big metal tube, dish out food and drink, get to go down big inflatable slides every now and then, etc etc.

Pretty basic semi-skilled customer service work, but it pays well for what it is, even though it's not very fulfilling at all.

There's no crew jobs going in Ireland. Lingus isn't recruiting, and won't be for a long time. Ryanair is just not an option. And the rest are seasonal.

It's basically a bit of a braindead job, working with different people all the time, most of whom have big egos and make the working day a misery.

Hi,

Could you come back to ireland and further your studies, the wage is good in england, but if you were home maybe your expenses would be less and if you were earning 20k a year you might survive the same? does the job you have have further opportunities?

LegacyUser

Could you come back to ireland and further your studies, the wage is good in england, but if you were home maybe your expenses would be less and if you were earning 20k a year you might survive the same? does the job you have have further opportunities?

I don't have my Leaving Cert unfortunately (stupid decision, left school a few months before exam, had big dreams of doing something decent with myself, I like to think I'm reasonably intelligent, 7A 2B 1C in Junior Cert) and I won't be eligible as a "mature" student in Ireland I'm 23 (or 24 as you need to be 23 on the 1st of Jan before the start of a course).

I've thought about studying over here and I'm doing some Open Uni courses but to go full time would be a lot of expense = a lot of debt which I'm not keen on.

That and the fact I don't have a clue what I want to do with myself career-wise. There's so many things I'd love to do but just can't decide. It's not helped by the fact that the people I went to school with are now graduating, I feel a bit, well, behind.

My current job has very limited promotion opportunities. Given the industry and my company in particular, promotion is mainly based on who you've brown-nosed and who you've slept with. I do neither. Maybe next year I might get a promotion to cabin supervisor, then again I might not. After that, the opportunities are almost non-existent. I also get no loyalty pay and, in fact, I'm earning less now than when I started three years ago! It's all a bit of a joke and unless I'm working with people I get on with (rare) I don't particularly enjoy getting up to go to work.

LegacyUser

Hi Again,

I was in a similar position to you but i failed my LC and i did a lot of courses then when i was 23 i qualified as a mature student and i got into a top college, i now have an honors degree in my favorite subject and i have no Junior Cert or leaving cert, the support you get is amazing as a mature student, you qualify for rent allowance, the back to education allowance -same as the dole every week, and i also got a full grant of 6k a year, i would never had got an education if this support was not there my whole life has changed since i got my degree and i am so grateful for the opportunity.

You have to be unemployed or in fas or vtos before you qualify for at least 6 months anyway- for the mature student benefits, but it could be really something you could consider, Ireland would be one of the few countries that support education like this as opposed to england etc where you have to pay and it is also a good time to be studying.

I can understand your feelings about not wanting to go home because you feel left behind with all your old friends graduating, but you have been off working in another country being independent, not an easy thing to do so you should be really proud of yourself, your old mates will be looking for jobs too and it is not so easy coming out of college.

I finished my degree when i was 29 there were loads of people my age and i did not think i was too old or anything, there are people in their 40's and 50's back in college.

Anyway there is a lot for you to consider, but if you hate the job you are in and it does not have very good prospects then maybe you should go home and build another life where you would have the support of loved ones and the opportunity for further training or education.

I got the feeling that you might feel like a failure if you went home would you and after a few days of being back are you now thinking you would like to stay?

thefeatheredcat

+1 Afriendy

OP, I think you have to face up and make a decision on what you want, even if you need to take some time out to do that. Sometimes when you're dealing with a major decision and it gets you down a bit, the best thing is to do something that makes you happy and the decision will become clearer in a more relaxed and positive state.

Don't worry about feeling left behind with education or in experience in comparison to your friends. The LC is not the most important thing in the world. Your friends who are graduating have led the student life which for some people can be a place far removed from reality; it can be a great place of security. Education is a life long experience not to be condensed into a few years in a college. There's always the chance to continue again.

You're miles ahead of them in life - you've moved to another country and been away from your family and would have learnt some of the more valuable lessons in life and the skills to get you through. There are plenty of people the same age and older than you that can't deal with basic responsibility.

If you do feel like a failure for moving home, honestly, that's not how I'd see it; I've had to swallow my pride and move home a few times always in times when my confidence has been low and it turned out to be the remedy I needed. There's no shame in it and it takes more courage to acknowledge unhappiness and be faced with real life decisions than to hide in denial and coasting through the next few years of your life in an unhappy existence.

Ann22

I felt so sorry for you op when I read your post..I spent a week in London once and felt all emotional when I could see the Irish coastline out the window of the plane on the way home, I thought it was very impersonal over there, everyone from shopkeepers to bus drivers seemed aloof and unfriendly. Not a good place to be if you're lonely and homesick.
If you're unhappy in your job and homelife over there all the time and it's not all down to a low spell of homesickness then set your mind to coming home and building a life and career for yourself here. My oh spent a year in England along with some friends and cousins in the late eighties, they all eventually came home. One cousin stayed over there, is married now but even now so many years later it's hard for him and his family when he has to leave after being home for a visit.
Imo if you're living in constant misery it's not worth the extra money. If you feel you'll always feel unhappy there maybe you're better to come home now when you're young when you have plenty of time to concentrate on your education and building a career. You'll probably have your own family eventually here where they will know their cousins. If you leave it 'til your 30s you may find it difficult if you want to come home, by that time you many have a wife and kids of your own and may not want to uproot them.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Not having your leaving cert is not the big deal they try to make you believe it is.
A friend of mine barely ever went to school and left just after the junior cert.

That same guy is just about to turn 21 and is in his first year at a pretty good University!

Get your car loan and credit cards paid of and then look into some FETAC courses etc.
You may qualify for BTEA as you have been out of formal education for so long.

It is tough living in the UK especially the bigger cities.
I know when I was back in Ireland I moved around alot and found it easier to make friends with people no matter where I turned up. The UK especially London can be very very un-welcoming.

Your friends may be all graduating, but so what?!? They all took the easy and safe route and are now out on the jobs market with no proper life experience or any idea what it means to hold down and keep a job.
You have done well, at a young age you took a huge plunge, it may not have worked out as you had hoped but its better than what most people have been doing.
Good luck

wylo

OP Im not sure what exact field you work in , but if your in aircraft maintenance,why dont you keep an eye on Dublin Aerospace. They're going to be looking for people soon id say, but apply now, check the aviation forum on boards for better info.
I know what it feels like to be away, but I dont think i was hit as hard, as I was with some friends. But its amazing the little things you miss. I spent my whole teens and early 20s convinced I wasnt going to be living in Ireland when Im older. And although I have full intention of going travelling to places like Australia and south america, the only place I could see myself settle for the long run is Ireland.
The friends and family and attitude of people become a massive massive thing when your not around it. The annoying thing is Irish people that have never left dont appreciate it.