my flippin mother.........

Loopsie

ok i wont get too deep into this, ive recently gotten back tgether with an ex who treated me very badly. He absolutely broke my heart a year ago. Im willing to leave the past in the past and give it another go and think things this time are very different (things have happened in the year we have been apart) anyways im not here to talk about that!! basically my mother just found out i was back with him ( i was planning on telling her this weekend, she is onlyback from holiday today) and is after lifting me out of it down the phone. Basically it came down to choose him or them (my family). I said to her that while she has every right to dislike him i am nearly 30 years of age and its my call who i want to be with and as i dont live at home its not like she will ever have to really see him
Has anyone else ever been through this and how did they resolve it? Needless to say i dont want to loose my family but this is the man i truly love and who i have no doubt loves me.
Thanks to all in advance

Oh The Humanity

Loopsie wrote: »

Basically it came down to choose him or them (my family). I said to her that while she has every right to dislike him i am nearly 30 years of age and its my call who i want to be with and as i dont live at home its not like she will ever have to really see him

Can I ask you when you got your heart broken before did your family have to help re-build you?

Did they listen to you crying and telling the story and see you suffering....or did you get through it alone??

Loopsie

i wouldnt say so much help re-build me.....i dont live at home so tackled through it alot alone but yes there were times id be in floods mid conversation with mum. By no means though did she nurse me back to a fit state!!!

Oh The Humanity

Loopsie wrote: »

i wouldnt say so much help re-build me.....i dont live at home so tackled through it alot alone but yes there were times id be in floods mid conversation with mum. By no means though did she nurse me back to a fit state!!!

Listen, its hard to be objective about how much help/support they gave you. I think a lot more than you realise, she was probably gutted that you were hurt and suffered a lot too. Mothers dont really shout their own suffering from the rooftops but it doesn't mean its not there.

If your Mother saw you going through having your heart broken, crying etc you may have forgotton it but she hasn't and she never will.

Your Mam wants you to be happy. She doesn't want to see you in that state. Its extremely emotionally draining for her. She probably see's right through him wheras you have your rose tinted love specs on.

I think what she is saying is if you want to be with him then you have to take that decision and the results on your own, that she doesn't want to be picking you up again.

She probably did overdo it lifting you out of it but she is entitled to let you know she is not enabling this relationship. Its on your shoulders now if it goes wrong. She doesn't want to play happy families with this guy as she can't forgive him for what he did and she doesn't have to.

I remember being younger and expecting unquestioning support from my Mother on everything I did and thinking she was very irritating and inconvenient when she wouldn't be happy for me on certain things just because I was happy.

But your Mother doesn't have to support you on everything if she doesn't want to. You need to accept thats the price of being with this guy.

squonk

How long are you back together? I don't buy that your ex is suddenly going to turn out to be some newly born person. No matter what happens he's still fundamentaly the same guy. Personally I think if he treated you that badly and broke your heart like that you should be having a good think about what you're doing.

Letting by-gones be by-gones is admirable but you come across as a bit naive and happy go lucky which, in the context of your previous experiences of this chap sounds liek a recipe for disaster. If your family were prepared to put an ultimatum on the line then it doesn't look like they reckoned he had your best interests at heart either.

I think you need to hold on and have a bit of a reality check. How long were you going out with this guy before? Had you seen other people since the breakup? Sometimes it can be all to easy to go back to what you know rather than launch out into new things. Maybe he has changed but I'm not willing to bet on it a great deal.

eviltwin

As a mother myself I can understand where she is coming from. If someone hurt my daughter you'd have to pull me off him. If she got back together with him you'd have to pull me off them both! No matter what age you are you're still your mammy's baby - that never changes

Yeah people change but my fear would be that he does that same again and that I would have to pick up the pieces.

That doesnt mean I think she's right. In fact far from it. I dont think any parent should ever issue a "its him or me" ultimatium

I can see her worry though. I'm sure she knew more about what you were going through that you might think - mums usually do. I'm sure she breathed a sigh of relief when it eventually ended and now all she can see if you putting your hand back in the fire

All you can do is talk to her and try and reassure her that you are a lot wiser this time around and that you know its the right thing to do. She should trust you enough to know that your not a fool, that you've learned from experience. Don't keep it from her but don't let her bully you..as you say you're an adult and you have to be free to make your own decisions in this world no matter what your family think

Loopsie

Please believe that i am very very far from naiive!
This just isnt a post where im asking advice about him, its about asking advice as to what way i should handle this with regard to mym mum. I know in my heart her intentions are good but i think im just upset about the way she felt the need to ring me in work and lift me hell for leather down the phone!!!!!
This isnt the first time she has got involved with my relationships but im just shocked at her ultimatum!!!
Thank you all for your posts though........ill take it all on board good and bad!!

Loopsie

Hopefully it was just a knee jerk!!! Ill see how it settles and fingers crossed im not in for a weekend of grief!!!
Thanks Guys
Loopsie x

eviltwin

Remember though OP there is a fine line between a concerned mother and a bullying one

If she can't back off and accept that you are with this guy you need to have an honest heart to heart with her about what boundries are acceptable in your relationship with her

ladymarmalade

eviltwin wrote: »

Remember though OP there is a fine line between a concerned mother and a bullying one

If she can't back off and accept that you are with this guy you need to have an honest heart to heart with her about what boundries are acceptable in your relationship with her

Well said eviltwin. There is a balance between motherly love and having your best intentions at heart V controlling your life.

You sound like an intelligent independent woman so i wonder at your mum's ultimatum? Do you and your mum have a loving relationship generally? What happened to you and your bf that made you break up and make your mum not want you to get back to together?

Mum's sometimes do know best

Chucky the tree

Loopsie wrote: »

ok i wont get too deep into this, ive recently gotten back tgether with an ex who treated me very badly. He absolutely broke my heart a year ago. Im willing to leave the past in the past and give it another go and think things this time are very different (things have happened in the year we have been apart) anyways im not here to talk about that!! basically my mother just found out i was back with him ( i was planning on telling her this weekend, she is onlyback from holiday today) and is after lifting me out of it down the phone. Basically it came down to choose him or them (my family). I said to her that while she has every right to dislike him i am nearly 30 years of age and its my call who i want to be with and as i dont live at home its not like she will ever have to really see him
Has anyone else ever been through this and how did they resolve it? Needless to say i dont want to loose my family but this is the man i truly love and who i have no doubt loves me.
Thanks to all in advance

sounds like a keeper alright. :pac:

Loopsie

Chucky the tree wrote: »

sounds like a keeper alright. :pac:

eh chucky im not here for you to judge on my relationship with my OH as ive already said im asking for advice about what way to handle my mother......if you have nothing constructive to add to that best of to butt out!!!!!

Lady marmalade and eviltwin thanks for your inputs, my mother and i would have a very intense relationship (not essentially the best). We are very alike will both admit this and seem to spark off each other not in a good way!!!
She doesnt always agree with the way i do things but i dont always agree with her, im nearly 30! im a grown woman!!!!

martdalto

You have to realise that you mam (and the rest of your family) are only going by what they see, or you told them a year ago.

They don't know who or what he is now. You are the one spending time with him, you are the one seeing him day-to-day and deciding that he is changing/has changed etc.

THEY DON'T SEE THAT.

All your mam knows is that he hurt you before, badly, and now you're back with him.

If/when you have children of your own you will understand the lengths you are prepared to go to to keep your children safe. (Physically, emotionally, financially etc)

Me and my husband get on very well. We argue at time, but in general he is a fantastic father and dad. Sometimes if he's pisisng me off I would have a little moan to my mother.. nothing serious and not going into details.. but she is always wary of him now.. because however little his "fault" at the time, she thinks he's always moaning at me etc.

So even though you are willing to forgive him and accept him back, don't expect your family and friends to be as thrilled for you.

They tend not to forgive as quickly as we do, because they rarely get the whole picture.. only glimpses of it.

Try talk your mam around. But don't fight with her. She's just worried about you.