Work/life - what do i do now?

LegacyUser

I'm sat at work, on the verge of vomiting or crying. All from stress.
I don't know if 'hate' is the right word, but my job is:
- pointless
- thankless
- stressful

I've a baby girl in a creche, and I'm in tears most mornings leaving her.

I work part time, but live in a commuter town, where there is no work at all, so my day is nigh on full time with the commute.

The money is good for a part timer. And that's where my issue lies.

I would love to quit. Love to. And we could just about struggle by on my partner's wages. Just. But everyone keeps saying 'don't quit in a recession', 'only mentlers leave a good job during a recession', 'you'll never get another job'....

But I just don't know how much longer I can take this job...
It seems I'm the only one who can get anything done, and I get called in to 'save the day' all the time. I deal with all the difficult situations etc.
It's a small company, and reliance on individuals is high.

I'd love to leave, if it meant going this second.. not waiting for my notice to be up.

I just don't know what to do.
Stay - be unhappy, keep saving for a rainy day
Leave - start spending the rainy day money

I don't know if I'd be happy at home all the time, but surely happier than here.

Are my reasons to leave valid?

My partner wants me to be happy. He's ok with me leaving.
I feel like I'm giving up/chickening out/a failure...

any advice or thoughts appreciated

barbiegirl

The aim of life is to be happy. If you can get by on your partners money then leave. Also when you do the sums, arrange for your partner to get your tax credits and subtract the creche costs you'll probably have just as much money. There are some jobs out there and this recession isn't forever.
Life is too short to be so unhappy.

shellyboo

conflicted wrote: »

I'm sat at work, on the verge of vomiting or crying. All from stress.
I don't know if 'hate' is the right word, but my job is:
- pointless
- thankless
- stressful

I've a baby girl in a creche, and I'm in tears most mornings leaving her.

OP, this IS a rainy day. You hate your job and you'd be better off at home with your baby girl. That's what these kinds of savings are FOR.

conflicted wrote: »

Are my reasons to leave valid?

My partner wants me to be happy. He's ok with me leaving.
I feel like I'm giving up/chickening out/a failure...

MORE than valid! Quit, get outta there! You're not being a failure by choosing to be a full-time Mum, it's a totally valid choice, and the right choice too. Life's too short to be miserable in a miserable job. Spend time with your little girl instead. I think you'll regret missing out on that more than you would regret leaving your job.

miec

Hi Op

I would concur with the other two posters, I was in a similar position when my child was very young but I didn't have the support of my ex-husband, you need to be happy, which makes for a happy mother. Besides you can take time out and thereafter when you feel ready you can do work from home or get another job. Happiness and contentment are far more important and if you are that stressed no job is worth that unless you absolutely have to do it.

lilirish

I went through a similar sistuation with work a few months back, it was hell on earth and cried nearly everyday because of it. But similarily to yourself I felt guilty about wanting to give a good job during these tough times. It got better for me but thats only my situation.

Before you hand in your notice put the feelers out for a new job, apply to a few recruitment agencies and just get a feel for what the situation is like out there. You might be surprised at how quickly something better comes along and your not leaving yourself open if for some reason you find yourself sturggling on just one wage.

You dont have to tell your current employer, just pull a sickie if you need to go an interview etc. But i agree with other posters,something needs to change for you.

eviltwin

If your not happy why stay? Your no use to anyone miserable all the time and the fact your partner supports you is great

Just dont rush into it. I went back to work when my daughter was 3 months old and it took me a few months to get used to it and not feel bad about leaving her. That was 12 years ago now and I havent left work since!!

But if you know in your heart of hearts that you're not happy then you should think about leaving recession or no recession...there is no price on being happy

LegacyUser

Thanks a lot for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time.

My 'baby' is a chattering toddler now... so I've already missed a lot

One thing I didn't make clear is that because of the high dependance the company has on me, I feel like I can't let them down. If it were a bigger place, then I think this would be a lot easier.

But am I letting myself down instead?
My mental health is going to suffer more seriously than just 'stress' if I keep this up.

I'm also questioning the value of my job. I don't save lives, or make a difference to people's lives. It just all seems like a waste. Perhaps this is just a symptom of my unhappiness though.

Thanks again - you've given me a lot to think about

bbbbb

Before you quit, ask yourself is there anything that could be changed about your work/environment to make it better? e.g. change of role, work from home etc.? (don't be constrained by what you think they will say yes/no to)

If you don't ask you won't receive!

opinion guy

conflicted wrote: »

Thanks a lot for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time.

My 'baby' is a chattering toddler now... so I've already missed a lot

One thing I didn't make clear is that because of the high dependance the company has on me, I feel like I can't let them down. If it were a bigger place, then I think this would be a lot easier.

But am I letting myself down instead?
My mental health is going to suffer more seriously than just 'stress' if I keep this up.

I'm also questioning the value of my job. I don't save lives, or make a difference to people's lives. It just all seems like a waste. Perhaps this is just a symptom of my unhappiness though.

Thanks again - you've given me a lot to think about

Then talk to them. Maybe they can rework things. For example you said you are part time but the commute makes it like full time. Am I too assume you work mornings or something ? Could you instead work 2 full days a week or something ? What do you do ? Can you work from home ?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can understand your not wanting to let the company down but they are not exactly concerned with your underlining life worries, missing time with your baby/partner, your health, etc, you are not responsible for where your bosses company, and you would be very surprised how much they could cope if they had to. You have given so much of yourself to this company already, if you were to say to your boss i am just not prepared to miss anymore time with my child it would be a completely valid reason to leave.

I personally feel that you should follow your heart and go to the place that will make you fulfilled. My Boyfriend is selling his successful business and finishing up at christmas for good, he has done it for 14 years and is exhausted and sick of the same thing, i came into some money i work from home and i am so content and fulfilled, i found it very hard to convince him in the beginning that there was no guilt or failure to walk away from his job he then got used to the idea and i love when his face now lights up because he knows the day is near!
I leaned on him for a few years when i left college, he can lean on me now and it would be m,y pleasure to see him happy, i bet your OH feels the same way, just think of the life you could have if you woke up without the stress of your job and got to have a nice rest.

Another thing we found was hard is that outside people can add to your self doubt and anxieties, i remember i protected myself from telling people that i was taking some time out from working because people can find it hard to understand, my lifestyle is completly different than most but i am so happy because i listened to what was right for me.

I really think you should give yourself permission to leave this job, and you should defo not feel responsible anymore about your bosses business, all you have to do is plant the seeds to see what it would be like to leave and start putting it put there, you will be surprised how things will work out if you dare to let it! Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

conflicted wrote: »

Thanks a lot for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time.
One thing I didn't make clear is that because of the high dependance the company has on me, I feel like I can't let them down. If it were a bigger place, then I think this would be a lot easier.
/QUOTE]

No matter how dependant the company is on you, at the end of the day you are just an employee. Always remember that. I was like you a few years ago & thought that the company I worked for depended on me & I put in crazy hours, then they let me go as they decided I was costing them too much. It really was an eye opener for me. You are always an employee no matter how close you are to your employers or how valued you feel by them. Put yourself first & if you want to leave, then do so. They will get by & the work will be done even if you are not there.

anewme

I was in a job I loved for six years which unfortunately came to an end because my boss semi retired and sold the business, and I was made redundant. This time last year. I got another job in the city centre (long commute) and from day one I hated it. Hated it. I am single, no kids and heavy enough mortgage and I did not want to be out of a job.

I was going from bed/work/work/bed - living on chinese takeaways drinking a bottle of wine every single night and had no interest in going out/cleaning the house or anything. I put on almost 3 stone in as many months (which is turning out to be harder to get off than put on!!!)

I was lucky enough that I had savings that would have tided me over for about a year, provided I got a job even paying half of what I was on.

Just as I was going to jack it in, I got an interview for another job, which I ended up getting. The dilemma was that I was getting out of a "profession" to a run of the mill office job. The money was similar, however I am at the top end of what I earn now, had I stayed I had potential to earn considerably more. But so what. Anyway, took the plunge, love the new job, never been happier.

Do it. Do it. Dont look back.

I am a firm believer that there are no wrong decisions. Only different choices.

Miss Sunshine

Hi OP, I feel for you. Why don't you start looking for other jobs? You may not find something that's as good a wage as what you are currently on but a little income is better than no income. A couple of hours in the local shop means your not a home all day and you still have some independence. ALso it means the companys success does not rely squarley on your shoulders as it seems to do now. I know how frustrating it is being the only person they call, day or night. Maybe stop answering your phone? They can't be angry at you because you haven't mentioned that you work on call or anything, if you're not scheduled on then that's someone elses responsibility.

Also, maybe you should go see your GP to get some advice regarding the stress and anxiety this is causing you. Sitting in work feeling like you want tovomit and cry all the time isn't a nice way to be (I've been there so empathise with you completely). You'd be suprised at how much better you'll feel just speaking to someone unrelated to the issue. You're very lucky to have such a supportive partner but maybe he's too close.

Best of luck with your decision

CDfm

OP - my son is 19 now but when he was one my ex wife left her bank job. Interest rates went thru the roof and in a very short time our savings evaporated. There was a recession on and my job was not secure and there was endless worry.How secure is your partners job?

This may be not what you want to hear but none of us are indespensible and if you quit your job ATM you wont be missed. So have no worries on that score.

Financially though you need to budget for the worst case scenario based on your current levels of spending on all the luxuries and lifestyle things you have. Realistically these actually dont go until the money runs out.

The biggest arguments couples are concern money.

I know you are emotional about this and while I often hear about women who would kill for their children - I often dont hear women extoling work to provide for them.

If your work provides shelter, security, clothing, food and medical care along with luxuries for your child then that is a very good thing. You might need to think that you do this to provide for your childs needs. So what value do you place on your responsibility for these? How important are these intangible things like security for her and for you as a family.

If you were a guy people would post "man up" and "grow a pair" and I feel you might need to look at it like that.

I am not posting to have a go but to get you to sit down and work out the problem. Do your research, how would you be fixed if your mortgage repayments increased 3 or 4% sudden illness etc? That is the level of detail you need to think on.

kelle

OP, I was in a similar situation back in 2001/2002. I was working full-time in my job and doing on-call several times a week - so I was like yourself as my life revolved around work and I missed my son terribly. He was the same age as your daughter is now. I had all this money mounting up in my bank account and absolutely no time to spend it. Might sound ideal to others but believe me it meant nothing - it was just a measure of the stress I was enduring.

I got pregnant again (by accident), so when I was applying for maternity leave I also applied for 2 years leave of absence. That was the best thing I ever did. We were just able to manage on my husband's wages, and I had all that time to de-stress. And I went back to work on a 3-day week. You know something - I absolutely LOVE my work since then. I think the two years out was what I needed, looking after two small children is hard work and made me realise work is easier!

I think you should check out if your firm will allow you to take unpaid leave, especially if you can manage on your partner's wages. And it will give you time to check out if there's work locally. You really can't go on the way you are, and you're not being fair to your child.

peekyboo

anewme wrote: »

I am a firm believer that there are no wrong decisions. Only different choices.

I love this and think it is completely right. OP, I agree with the others (harsh as it may sound) that you are just an employee so don't put the company before yourself. If you are that unhappy then leave. Leave and stay home with your child or leave and find another job. Life is too short to feel that way! It took me a few jobs of being unhappy to find a job I love. I felt the way you did at the time - I'm letting them down, I'm letting myself down, I'm letting my partner down. Yes I was letting MYSELF down but only because I wasn't make myself happy!

Anyway, best of luck and I hope it all works out for you x

strongbluebell

Would parental leave be an option? You can take up to 14 weeks unpaid leave.
It might be a way to try things out at home and see how you get on with a low income.

eviltwin

CDfm wrote: »

OP - my son is 19 now but when he was one my ex wife left her bank job. Interest rates went thru the roof and in a very short time our savings evaporated. There was a recession on and my job was not secure and there was endless worry.How secure is your partners job?

This may be not what you want to hear but none of us are indespensible and if you quit your job ATM you wont be missed. So have no worries on that score.

Financially though you need to budget for the worst case scenario based on your current levels of spending on all the luxuries and lifestyle things you have. Realistically these actually dont go until the money runs out.

The biggest arguments couples are concern money.

I know you are emotional about this and while I often hear about women who would kill for their children - I often dont hear women extoling work to provide for them.

If your work provides shelter, security, clothing, food and medical care along with luxuries for your child then that is a very good thing. You might need to think that you do this to provide for your childs needs. So what value do you place on your responsibility for these? How important are these intangible things like security for her and for you as a family.

If you were a guy people would post "man up" and "grow a pair" and I feel you might need to look at it like that.

I am not posting to have a go but to get you to sit down and work out the problem. Do your research, how would you be fixed if your mortgage repayments increased 3 or 4% sudden illness etc? That is the level of detail you need to think on.

Very good point. I know a lot of people who hated their jobs and used to moan about them all the time. Now those jobs are no longer there and they are trying to scrape by on the social welfare I know they would give anything to have them back

The grass may appear greener but you have to weigh up what you will gain with what you will lose.

You may not have the stress of work but the stress of having no money or your partner feeling the responsibilty of being sole breadwinner might not be a good trade off.

LegacyUser

CDfm - you are right.
And that has what has kept me at work for as long as I have.
I've told myself to 'suck it up' many many times.

Re my partners job - how secure is anyone's anymore... it's not too bad, it's unlikely he'll be made redundant - but not impossible.
That's the biggest factor for me. Along with all your other comments - exactly what I think.. hence the post wondering if it were ok to think about quitting!

In fact, as per my original post, most people's reaction is 'get on with it and stop whining'.

I think for me the issue is, at what point to you think that having a breakdown is better than leaving your job?
Am I at that point? No. Is it getting there? Yes.

Re other suggestions - a 'little' job (couple of hours in a shop etc) is not an option. My only childcare option is fully paid childcare - so if that costs x, then I need to x+ after tax. Childcare providers don't generally do 'ad hoc' - so x is a regular amount.
This really doesn't fit with doing a few hours here and there - though that would be lovely!

Posting here and your replies has really helped me clarify some things.

1. the job isn't going to change
2. either I work similar hours or I don't work (outside the home) at all - there is no middle way

The thought that I can just hand in my notice has actually helped get through the last week. The fact that other people have thought that I'm not a loony for wanting to quit has made me think that it is a real option. Up to now, I thought the only way out was winning the lotto or getting seriously ill. It's always a bad sign when you'd prefer to be ill than at work.
The feeling of utter 'trappedness' has really had a more of an impact on me than I realised.

If the budget in December has another tax hike, it'll cost me to work, so that'll decide for me.

Thanks for your replies