Studying abroad- feel like I cant do it anymore

LegacyUser

Hey guys. Bit of a rant/plea for advice! Warning – It’s a long one.

I’m currently doing a course I love in the UK. It’s taken me 3 years to finally land a place in this course- it’s just unfortunate that my last option was to study abroad.

So the back story: I moved here this time last year. Adjusting at first was hard, but I got into it. I missed my family a lot but I’m at that age where it’s time to fly the coop and don’t need to see them all the time. We’re all very close and there are times I’d kill to be home. I missed my friends like crazy too, but the main problem was I just started going out with my boyfriend, 2 months before I left. Was just supposed to be a bit of fun but we decided we’d give long distance a shot and we’re still together We see each other a fair bit, and because this year he’s gone back to college he’s gonna be visiting one a month, so it’s not as if we go months without seeing each other.

At the end of May, my brother was in a serious car crash and was unconscious in ICU for a week, then a further week in HDU. Obviously I flew home straight away, and stayed home until he was discharged. With my course, if you miss more than 20 days you get back-grouped (there is an intake in September and in March). So because I missed so many days, I had to wait until the March intake caught up to where I was. This meant I had 4 months off. My term time is from September to August so I wasn’t gonna have a normal summer holiday. Being back was fantastic, I got my old job back for the summer and I more or less lived with my boyfriend, seeing my friends and family all the time. The problem - I came back to England in September. I had to meet a whole new bunch of people in my class, and basically readjust all over again. I had been feeling really really low since coming back. My boyfriend visited last weekend, and went back Monday. For every day since then, I have been more or less non stop crying. I’ve been having panic attacks and basically having trouble even getting up in the morning. I started placement Tuesday, Wednesday I couldn’t even go in because I couldn’t stop crying and even had a panic attack at the bus station. Not a fun day for me.

I’m at the point I just wanna quit and go home. I’ve said this to my friend, and she said she feels the same. (She’s from London. We’re in Essex. It’s a 40 minute drive away. But she thinks it’s only because my fella went back. Yes, that has had an influence, and I miss him so much, but to be honest it’s just I wanna be at home. It’s feeling harder than it did first time. My dad has said if I want to come home, then just book the flight and there’s no problem at all. But I’d just feel like a waste. My parents pay my rent and living expenses (can’t get a part-time job). I’m the first on my Dads side to go to University and the whole family are always saying how proud they are of me and I don’t want them thinking less of me. The other problem is if I go back, what am I gonna do? Wait until I’m 23 to apply as a mature student? I’ll be 21 next month. The only option is to get a job. Which aren’t too abundant at the moment! I also have a year lease contract signed here.

I feel so screwed up at the moment. I know this is a really really long whiney post, and I really appreciate you reading it (if anyone did!). I guess I’m just looking for advice/pearls of wisdom from similar experiences/a slap and told to cop on? I dunno. I just feel hopeless, useless and fed up with everything.

Firetrap

Is there a counselling/chaplaincy service in your college? Perhaps going to chat to someone there will help you. You've been through a tough time this past year

LegacyUser

yeah there is, but a friend of mine went there, they sent them to the doc and were put on meds. I really don't want that, and if I'm diagnosed with depression or anxiety your meant to take 1-2 weeks off college, and I can't afford to miss any more days. The last year has been horrible..

Thanks though. I might see about talking to someone at least.