Love without attraction possible?

LegacyUser

Is it possible to be in love with someone without being sexually attracted to them?
I have a friend who I think has feelings for me. I think the world of this person and on paper we'd make the perfect couple. I could see myself dating this person but I can't imagine any sexual relationship, and I'm a highly sexual person. I do have feelings for this individual but I'm confused about what the feelings could be.

Is it possible to be in love/have feelings for someone you can't ever image having sex with? Or maybe that sexual attraction can grow? The person is quite goodlooking so I don't understand why I'm not attracted to the individual, in addition to having a great personality.

Am I just deluding myself that I could let things develop into something more?

Liam Byrne

Tough one.

It's certainly possible to love someone, or even be "in love" with someone, without the attraction. But whether it would work as a relationship is another matter.

I've met up with people that there hasn't been a major click with (e.g. mainly personality-based : "cute" and/or "fun" and "kinda" sexy but "in their own way") and the attraction has gradually grown as you got comfortable and the feelings grew; and I've also run with the spark only for it to burn out because there was no real feeling or underlying connection.

So you probably need a little of both, and the attraction can definitely grow.......whether it can ever grow "enough" or not, I can't say......

LegacyUser

I felt like this once. I had a great friend and started to fall for him, but I was worried I wasn't sexually attracted to him really. It went on for ages, and when we finally got together there was major chemistry! It was pretty instantanous. We are still together 3 years later. So, yes it is possible.
If however you end up kissing etc and its not right then I think it won't work, the attraction has to start somewhere

Wagon

Short answer, no. Like liam said, attraction can grow but it has to start with something.

Wibbs

No. Try and see if those sexual/romantic feelings happen like in unregistered's case. If not, then as I say, no. My humble anyway.

b3t4

No.

Just don't do this to yourself/him.

If you do get with him here's how I see it going.

You feel somewhat sorry for him, are a bit lonely, and think sure I'll give it a go. Sure, how bad can it be. Love can grow, right?

He is mad about you. Thinks all is rosey in the garden and wham you come home to him one day and tell him how it's not quite working out for you.

Ugh, it just sounds horrible.

Go with the lust bit. Particularly at the start. I'm a fan of the lust that grows to love. In my opinion, you should seriously want to rip the clothes off each other at the start of a relationship.

That's me though. Some are into the slow burners but if you're asking this question I'm not sure how sure you are about that.

opinion guy

To be honest.

Hmmm I think chemistry is one part visual and another part tactile. What do I mean ? Well have you ever been with someone who you are very visually attracted to, but once ye initiated physical - its just crap. And vice-versa there are people who you are not visually attracted to, but once you get involved physically there are major fireworks. some people are just more in touch with their bodies I guess.

The point is, sometimes you don't know until you try. Now test-snogs are not something I'd usually advocate - in fact I think they can really be destructive, but i do think their is a case to be made for it sometimes. But you'd have to be careful not to be misleading

Bottle_of_Smoke

No, read the PIs about guys complaining about their wives not having sex with them. Its a terrible idea. Just stay friends

LegacyUser

Attraction can develop as far as I'm concerned.

When I started dating my boyf I was unsure, as I really liked his personality but didnt find him attractive. However this disappeared as I got to know & love him & now I cant wait to jump on him when I see him!

ash23

I would say no. I think it is possible to have feelings for a person and not fancy them but I don't think it can work long term.
I wasn't physically attracted to my ex when we met but he was a nice guy etc so I gave it a shot.
But it was always in the back of my head that he wasn't attractive. I would have sex with him but didn't enjoy kissing him. I didn't like bringing him to meet friends etc as I was slightly embarassed of how he looked to be honest and it led to problems.
He knew I didn't fancy him. He used to ask me if I was put off by the weight he gained. He was scrawny and about 9 stone! He knew something was off but didn't know what. It wasn't fair on him or me.

I wouldn't go down that road again.
I'd need some sort of sexual chemistry at the start.

Oh The Humanity

No.

I don't buy attraction can grow. Yes, there are people who are nice and you can pass the time with them but that will never stand against the real deal.

Its either all or nothing.

If you settle for something cosy (friendship + companionship with sex one person learned to like) then what will eventually happen is the person who settled will get bored or see someone else who ticks all the boxes and be filled with the realisation the forced relationship was a mistake.

Its a mistake.

LegacyUser

I had this same dilema not so long ago. I met a wonderful guy, great personality, treated me like a queen. We kissed a few time and it was lovely and when I was with him he made me feel wonderful but there was always this niggily thing inside me which was telling me something wasn't right.

In the end I knew it was because even though he was wonderful and made me feel wonderful there was no real spark there, nothing that made me go "wow, I want you right now". I could have continued on with it, pretending and telling myself that everything was rosy and could probably have been happy, but it wouldn't have worked and I'd have ended up hurting him.

So, for both your sakes don't try and kid yourself into believeing there is something there that isn't. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op, You have outlined quite a complex scenario, I just wonder would it not be worthwhile to just wait and see, you never really know what might happen(who can really foretell the future anyway). Even if the worst comes to the worst, both of you will gain some life experience and learn something about life... no one lives their entire life without making mistakes of one sort or another, some undoubtedly leading to pain. Even if ye both fail in this relationship, in the great scheme of things what exactly would you be doing wrong. Anyway nothing ventured nothing gained, you are merely giving yourself a chance (maybe as some have said, a slim one, but a chance nonetheless) at something that could turn out to be wonderful. Speaking personally, I've found that the lows experienced in and from relationships are well outweighed by the highs, in fact the lows helped to give me (hopefully not exclusively me!) an appreciation of how good things can be. Exceptions to this will always be people who aren't emotionally resilient and undoubtedlty those people deserve to be treated particularly carefully and respectfully(Your judgement in this case). For those people experiencing ongoing harmonious perfection in their relationships, congrats.. for the rest of us.... keep trying.

mikewest

Yes, it is possible. the mere fact you are asking the qustion means that you have some feelings for this person. Will a relationship grow? I don't know. Will it be possible to have sex with this person? again I don't know. The only one who can actually answer this is you. Ask yourself why you are not sexually attracted to this person. Have you already put them in the "friends place" in your head or are they not your type.

A few people here have said it has to be all or nothing deals. But this does not cover the whole scope of human relationships. In my opinion if a long term relationship is going to work you need to like the other person as well as love them and attraction doesn't always last but the liking and the love will get you over the bumps life will throw at you.

What will you lose if you give it a try?

ash23

mikewest wrote: »

A few people here have said it has to be all or nothing deals. But this does not cover the whole scope of human relationships. In my opinion if a long term relationship is going to work you need to like the other person as well as love them and attraction doesn't always last but the liking and the love will get you over the bumps life will throw at you

But if the attraction isn't there in the first place then how will it even get to the love stage?

I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt "blah" about me sexually.
While I don't think sex and attraction are the most important things in a relationship, I do beleive they are important. It would shatter someones self confidence to feel sexually unattractive to their partner.
And what if the partner meets someone who they have that sexual attraction to, aswell as getting on well with them? Isn't it all just a recipe for disaster.

I want someone who fancies me aswell as thinking I'm fantastic And I want to fancy him and think he's great too.
I think thats the least someone deserves from a relationship.

CDfm

In fact thats a difficult decision when people have been friends. Its because you dont see them as a lover and its psychollogical in a way.

I have a good friend who is a really fabulous woman and I mentioned her to someone recently and got drooling noises and shes haht comments. The same woman was wonderful to me during a difficult time. The reason I mention it is that never in a 1000 years would we never be together and we are both attached to others.

So what it probably is that your perception of this person so far hasnt included that and thats normal. If you were out on a romantic setting etc it might change and your views of them would change too.Thats how life works.

Miss Fluff

It is ALL in the kiss imo. Throw the lips on him and see how it feels, if it blows your mind then chemistry will suddenly appear from the left-field and you'll be able to think of nothing else. Trust me.:D

ballygowan

Good friends are hard to come by. Good friends with deeper feelings are a good basis to further a relationship imo. a solid foundation exists.
ye both love each other as people. theres no front, barricades are down, you love him for been him and he loves you for been you.
ye both share similar interests, have a good laugh together, trust each other ect. something many couples desire.

you say your not sexually attracted to this person. simply because they are in the friend zone. NB. you need to take them out of this zone. maybe the next time ye spent time together look at them through your i wanna kiss you/**** you eyes and be receptive to the feelings that will stir insde.
maybe share a drunken kiss(well of course not too drunk) and see are you feeling it. since you're friends you can be honest and tell them your not felling it and that it feels weird and laugh it off with the drink excuse..

you say that you are a very sexual person, whats not to say the person in question is not? dont make assumptions on that one

life is too short. it really is. you say thats this person has a great personality. i reckon ye'd complemant each other. you'd bring out the best in him and he'd bring out the best in you. you might never be as happy with anyone esle as you might be with this person. what happens in a few years down the line when your settled and maybe a few kids involved and you back meet up with your friend as you do, and the chemistry sparks are pelting off your head. you realise that you are with the wrong person. big dilema. a life with regrets is a life wasted. (you get the picture)

act sooner not later. do not be putting this off until next month or after christmas. the person of your dreams may be going out on a date tonight and you may miss the boat. why waste all this time apart when ye can be blissfully happy togehter. you dont mention whether you are m/f but if you are are male, heres a question for you, could you see this person been the mother of your kids? would you proudly bring her home? this is one of lifes chances.

have faith and follow your heart
i wish ye both a great life together

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your comments. You've given me a lot of food for thought.
I do think part of the problem is I'm really good at compartmentalising and only thinking of friends as friends. I've never ever fallen for a friend and I think that's why. But, I worry that not being sexually attracted to him goes deeper than that and if we were to cross the lines we'd mess up what we have and make things really awkward (cross the line meaning just a snog to see if there's a spark).

I'm not embarrassed to be seen with this person, in fact many think we are a couple and I'm flattered by that. It's just that I don't see this individual in a sexual way. I can say I'm attracted to him but I just can't imagine him doing sexual things to me and vice versa. In fact, it kinda grosses me out (I think we're also very different people when it comes to our sexual needs - I'm very exploratory and I get the sense he's not).

Ballgowan, your comments scare me! lol