my wife lets people walk over her

auditek923

like for example a knock came to the door there about half an hour ago. she answered it, it was 2 woman dressed in business style. they asked to come in and she let them right into our house into the sitting room without asking why etc? or even asking for id. i came downstairs to the sitting room and was standing there wondering what was going on. one of the business woman asked was i the husband. i answered then asking what was going on? what are they here for. the could not give me a straight answer. they wanted to run through a few things with me 1st. straight away i smelled scam and asked them to leave. in my opinion you do not let 2 strangers into the house without knowing whats going on. we have a small child and my wife is pregnant and there has been robberies in our area lately.
anyways this led to a big row with my wife then after the 2 woman left. but in my opinion i was right

these woman spoke in northern ireland accents and drove a dublin reg mini van. i watched them out the window for a few mins and they did not get into anyone elses house but ours.

seamus

That's just one example though. Understandbly you may be upset, but if your wife is a generally open and trusting person, then I see nothing inherently wrong in asking someone in if they say, "We'd like to talk to you about X, Y & Z".

You might be worried about robberies, but burglars don't knock on your door and ask to come in.

Yes, it was silly of her to not at least ask them who they were but at the same time I don't agree that anyone should leave the latch on the door and look at every visitor suspiciously through a tiny crack in the door.

What exactly are you annoyed about?

auditek923

i asked the 2 woman what was going on and they would not tell me . they wanted to run through a few things with me. its our house and they are telling us what to do here. i just had a bad vibe about the whole thing.....


and yes i know its only one example but it annoyed me.

auditek923

and they did not tell my wife what it was about . they said the wanted to talk to families and she let them straight in. if they wanted to talk they could have shown information at the door then maybe be welcomed in but these woman sweet talk vunerable people . imagine if it was an old person and they doing this stuff

ManOfMystery

seamus wrote: »

That's just one example though. Understandbly you may be upset, but if your wife is a generally open and trusting person, then I see nothing inherently wrong in asking someone in if they say, "We'd like to talk to you about X, Y & Z".

You might be worried about robberies, but burglars don't knock on your door and ask to come in.

Yes, it was silly of her to not at least ask them who they were but at the same time I don't agree that anyone should leave the latch on the door and look at every visitor suspiciously through a tiny crack in the door.

What exactly are you annoyed about?

I disagree entirely. Burglars do knock on your door sometimes, and once they're in, knock you out before robbing your house. It's happened before, it's been on the news, so don't assume it doesn't happen.

Yes there is nothing wrong with asking someone to talk about 'X/Y/Z', but there is something wrong in asking to enter a stranger's house without identifying yourself or giving a straight answer as to why you're there.

I agree entirely with the OP - this has scam written all over it, and your wife would do well to excercise a bit more caution. Nothing wrong with answering the door - peaking out curtains is just getting a little bit too paranoid - but allowing strangers in willy nilly without knowing their identity or purpose is just too dangerous in this day and age.

In saying that, it's an easy mistake if you're not a hugely confident person, so don't be too sore on her.

jellyboy

Maybe the row wasnt about the 2 women?

maybe your wife would have felt undermined by not being trusted to have a grown up conversation?

Maybe you are doing the walking?

these are only questions not judgments...
Im human and have made huge mistakes in my life...but the learning from them was equally massive....

thefeatheredcat

It sounds more like you're angry with the 2 women and the possible scam rather than your wife. Maybe you should find out more information about them and alert your neighbours/neighbourhood watch if it's a scam.

There's nothing wrong with perhaps showing a bit of faith in the person at the door that they're a decent person (we once used to live in a more trusting world), however sometimes it really is necessary to show caution.

Don't be too hard on your wife, it happens to everyone.

auditek923

yes i am mad at them more than my wife. thing is though i have told my wife never to let strangers into the house unless you see id or they are expected ie phone repair man,sky,esb etc

Beruthiel

Ok - under no circumstances would I ever allow someone like that into my house.

However, you are just giving us one example of your wife's lack of judgement. Perhaps she was having an off day and was mitered and she had let them in before she had time to think.
It most likely was a scam but that doesn't mean she would have agreed to anything.

You thread title says, 'my wife lets people walk all over her'
Are you saying that this happens a lot under all kinds of different circumstances?

thefeatheredcat

You're right to be protective of anything that seems anything out of the norm occur, especially with having burglaries in the area. Nobody would want anything untoward happen. People at the door can be persistent and persuasive.

It's easy to bolt the locks and keep the bad out, but in the ideal world you shouldn't have to, or rather should feel that you have to.

Don't see the night out in anger, it will leave a bad after taste tomorrow.

doctor evil

Never let a stranger in without ID!

Overheal

Im with Ber it sounds like your wife just had a lapse of judgement. it happens to everyone. I gave my card details out over the phone and the company (thank god it was just a slimey telemarketing company and not some complete thief) conned be out of 50 dollars. I consider that lucky compared to what might have been. It doesnt mean that im constantly clicking on junk mail or giving out my password to people. these are just freak things that happen to people.

Do you have other examples of your wife being a doormat/walkover to people in general? Is this a perpetual problem for her? Has it been affecting your marriage over the long term?

CDfm

Lapse of judgement yes.

I worked in direct sales once and part of the training was to get in the door to see the husband. probably were given your name by a neighbour or friend.

It looks to me that it was one of these home selling things and the people may have got in by saying is your husband home etc and there is a technique to it. Could have been insulation phones anything. Some products like that have grants etc.

Another part is to give nothing away until you gauge the prospects interest.

So I would say they left because of your attitude and could see that you were not going to be receptive. They probably only got in by saying that they needed to speak to the husband. So if she comes accross the technique again she should say wait here at the door -he will be right down,

So a lapse of judgement -yes but given you were there your wife probably felt very safe.

Your wife seems to have survived this long without major hassle.

I hope you dont mind me saying this but you seem very harsh on your wife about this and maybe should lighten up. The thread title makes it seem that you have identified this flaw in her and to do something about it.One technique was -X will be annoyed if he doesnt see us.A very effective one.

sunnyside

CDfm wrote: »

I worked in direct sales once and part of the training was to get in the door to see the husband. probably were given your name by a neighbour or friend.

It looks to me that it was one of these home selling things and the people may have got in by saying is your husband home etc and there is a technique to it. Could have been insulation phones anything. Some products like that have grants etc.

Another part is to give nothing away until you gauge the prospects interest.
They probably only got in by saying that they needed to speak to the husband. .

I would be seriously offended by any company that decided they wanted to speak to my husband instead of me (and I don't even have a husband)

And "give nothing away". If you are knocking on strangers doors you need to inform the person who answers why you are there so that you don't frighten them.

I can assure you I wouldn't buy anything from a company with an attitude like that. Nobody in my estate ever seems to answer the door unless expecting someone. We seem to get cold-callers every day.

CDfm

sunnyside wrote: »

I would be seriously offended by any company that decided they wanted to speak to my husband instead of me (and I don't even have a husband)

High horse much.

I think you missed my point which is that I think the OP has made too much drama of this. There are techniques used in sales which get around objections including getting in the door to speak to someone. You probably come accross these yourself everyday and are blissfully unaware. So I am saying that the OPs wife is not at fault if she has fallen for one of these techniques.

Why would you be aware of techniques used -you are not a sales person.

martdalto

It does sort of seem that your the one "walking all over" your wife.


Of course she could have not let them in but to be honest, if she's pregnant she could have been tired/weak in the legs etc and wasn't able to stand at the door talking so asked them in to sit down. (I have been in exactly the same situation, where I physically couldn't stand.. weakness just suddenly comes over you)

She trusted them as they were women and looked respectable - not a crime. Nothing bad came of it

I doubt it happened exactly as
Your wife opened the door
2 women said "Can we come in"
She stepped aside.

Give her a chance.. The one huge advantage of being in a relationship is if there's one thing you're not good at, it likely that the other person is. So if she's not good at saying 'No' - She felt safe enough knowing you were in the house and she could call you to say it for her.

If she finds ithard to say 'No', it's a personality trait, and nothing "wrong" with her as such. Maybe suggest she could take an assertiveness course.

But be gentle with her - no point arguing with her over her personality.

I think this would all be sorted by you apologising for over-reacting, and she will apologise for letting them in.

Row ended.

Oh The Humanity

Never let a stranger in without ID? Feck that, never let a stranger in. end of. Except maybe the Guards, and only then if they show a search warrant!

Why would you?

You were 100% right and your wife sounds worryingly gullible and trusting. Even a child knows not to let strangers into the house. Quite APART from the obvious danger, your house is your domain and you don't let people in just because they ask.

Handing off her control and authority without question like that is just nuts. The fact that she so obediently did as they asked is shocking. Even worse the fact she fell out with you when you quite rightly remonstrated with her....

Is she generally like this?

miec

Hi Op

Whilst you were right to be annoyed at your wife's naivetie I would suggest you handle this in a different way. Do you think your wife is lacking in assertiveness, if so, then having a go at her is going to add to her lack of confidence, instead encourage her to be more cautious.

Whispered

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

. your house is your domain and you don't let people in just because they ask.

Handing off her control and authority without question like that is just nuts. The fact that she so obediently did as they asked is shocking. Even worse the fact she fell out with you when you quite rightly remonstrated with her....

Quite right old chap, must put those women in their place. :P

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

Whilst you were right to be annoyed at your wife's naivetie I would suggest you handle this in a different way. Do you think your wife is lacking in assertiveness, if so, then having a go at her is going to add to her lack of confidence, instead encourage her to be more cautious.

+100, denting her confidence will do nothing to make her more assertive.

Oh The Humanity

helena.ryan wrote: »

Quite right old chap, must put those women in their place. :P

+100, denting her confidence will do nothing to make her more assertive.

Im not a chap, Im a chapess!!!

But true I suppose it wouldn't help to be giving out to her.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Maybe you came on here to have a bit of a rant but what kind of reaction did you expect like did you want us all to berate your wife for being a walk over, this is why people are not responding to you very well because you would actually write that about your wife, you are making her appear incompetent, and you seem to have a traditional view of the womans role, you will have a much happier family and wife if you are less critical.

Forgive your wife and do something nice for her, after all she is pregnant and probably tired and emotional.

anewme

I too think the OP is being too hard on her. That said, she needs to cop on and take responsibilites for her self. Who lets someone into their sitting room without knowing who they are. Even best case scenario you both would be subjected to hours of hard sell for some crap.


I've told her not to let people into the house. - Does she not have the sense to cop this on for herself. Its her house as much as yours, so she should be responsible for whomever she lets into the house.

A also agree that sales people will try that technique. They try to get a husband and wife together, because often if they have gone through their spiel, the wife will say, oh I need to ask my husband, or vice versa, so having both together , this excuse cant be made and they have a better chance of closing the deal.

I am single and a sales guy did this to me . When will your husband be in. I told him to ask Mystic Meg and tell me so I can plan the wedding. Same happened to a friend whose husband died and the people were insisting they speak to him. She gave them the number for Mount Jerome.

CDfm

anewme wrote: »

A also agree that sales people will try that technique.

I am single and a sales guy did this to me . When will your husband be in. I told him to ask Mystic Meg and tell me so I can plan the wedding.

I have fallen for the technique too and variations of it(and I work in Sales).

But they also could have been Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses.

Another thing struck me -that it could have been something the OPs wife was interested in but doesnt have the neck to tell her husband.

wasper

auditek923 wrote: »

anyways this led to a big row with my wife then after the 2 woman left. but in my opinion i was right

If you say that the situation led to a big row, it means that your wife does stand up for herself & won't let you walk over her. She might have been curious to see where this was leading to. After all you were in the house. I think you need to trust your wife a bit more. Unless you have other examples.

CDfm

OP - have you had a chance to mull over what has been said? I would like to know what you feel?

kelle

OP, i wonder did your wife let these women into the house because she knew you were there and knew she could call you if there was trouble? Maybe she wouldn't dream of doing so if you weren't around.
It's disturbing these woman would not tell you what they doing.

My Sister-in-law answered a knock to her door a year ago, and there stood a heavily pregnant woman asking to use her toilet! She was gobsmacked, but let her in. She looked outside and there was a car in her driveway with 2 men in it. The woman was nearly 10 minutes in the toilet! She came out and just commented "Your house is big". She has been condemned by a lot of people for letting this woman into her house, but she doesn't know what else she could have done, especially as it was a sudden thing - she could have explained "The nearest hotel is 3 miles away", but the woman had little English. Nothing further happened, so it seems to have been genuine. Maybe it's a common practice in the country this woman is originally from.

Jack B. Badd

OP, your thread title implies that this isn't just a one-off lapse in judgement. Is your wife's naivete a common issue? We all have our off-days but an ongoing lack of common sense is something that should be dealt with for your wife's sake as well as your own peace of mind. I'm never quite sure if common sense is learned behaviour or something in-built - I suspect that there are people who genuinely don't have the wherewithall. If it's learned behaviour though then there should be some way to deal with it... If nothing else, a couple of "house rules" determined between ye should help - not letting strangers into your house should be as much second nature as locking your door when you go out.