not exclusive- whats the deal?

nesbitt

When dating if someone wants to be 'not exclusive' what is the usual etiquette involved?

For example:

If dating several people than I would expect it is a must that safe sex is totally observed.

Surely other people would not be flippantly or openly discussed?

What is the norm with people is there a timeframe for 'not exclusive' and then should you expect exclusivity?

I'm kinda headwrecked with this concept and think myself worldy wise (as much as anyone) and just want a bit of comment in general.

Nervous Wreck

Probably differs from one person to the next but I'd say the general idea is to keep your social life going etc and just go with the flow of your 'non-exclusive' relationship and let it progress/regress naturally. Don't force anything until it's time to make a decision one way or another, which could be at any time.

nesbitt

Thanks for that further insight. On a personal level, never dated like this before and don't quite know if it will suit me emotionally! Also it would be a gear shift from being exclusive for several months, break/split, and now want to see on a 'not exclusive' basis... My head and heart is a bit wrecked!

opinion guy

IMHO this non-exclusive thing is bullsh1t made up by Americans to trick other Americans into accepting their playing the field behaviour whilst still having someone to turn to for the emotional stuff. Through the wonders of tv it got transported over here.
Doesn't work as far as I can see. Someone always gets hurt.

nesbitt

Opinion Guy, there is an American influence here... I'm smiling wryly. I think the ejitt going to get hurt is me but... Also how is the dating others handled without feeling like a cheater, do those people know that they are not exclusive or is that agreed with them also?

Nervous Wreck

nesbitt wrote: »

Thanks for that further insight. On a personal level, never dated like this before and don't quite know if it will suit me emotionally! Also it would be a gear shift from being exclusive for several months, break/split, and now want to see on a 'not exclusive' basis... My head and heart is a bit wrecked!

Well there's your answer I reckon. As I said: "Don't force anything until it's time to make a decision one way or another, which could be at any time." Looks like it's already time. If you think it'll wreck your head further in the long-run, you may as well bail out before you get hurt.

Liam Byrne

Personal opinion is that it's an ego-trip for whoever brings up the topic : "oh look, I have 2 or 3 people interested, and they'll put up with this coz it's me", or "I want a drunken score some night too".

Yes, if you've only met up a few times either of you could meet someone else out some night; rather than feeling miffed or put out by this, you should look at it from the other side and see if you'd have done the same after only "investing" a few nights.

The problem with current society is that there's the need to discuss EVERYTHING; I'm a talker, but I'd never raise this issue.

If someone asks to be "exclusive" or "where's it going" too soon, I'll say "not sure yet, let's see how it goes"; but (a) if I'm interested in seeing how it goes I won't go out on the pull or deliberately follow up on something else simultaneously, and (b) if you're only meeting up every so often and it's casual then you're BOTH free to do whatever in-between.

This "non-exclusive" discussion was only raised explicitly with me once, and my initial thought was "I'm out of here - emotionally anyway", but I countered with the "s'pose - sure you never know who I'd meet next week either" - i.e. re-balance the power.

Wagon

Not exclusive, to me anyway, means that someone wants to go out and shag other people when they can but still have that "relationship" element with someone. Some can do it and others can't. Im a jealous bloke so there's no way i can do it. If you are getting your head wrecked and pissed off by this already then end it now. It'll keep your sanity.

Liam is right too. Especially the part about society needing to talk about EVERYTHING and i mean every little fúcking thing. I think though that many will use these oppurtunities to brag about conquests. Not respectful to someone they are with (even casually)

nesbitt

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Well there's your answer I reckon. As I said: "Don't force anything until it's time to make a decision one way or another, which could be at any time." Looks like it's already time. If you think it'll wreck your head further in the long-run, you may as well bail out before you get hurt.

I think in my case because it is a gear shift down from exclusive to non exclusive it is bit too much to take.... Honestly don't know where I am with this now or indeed if it happens with someone else I meet in the future. New concept for me. Also feel worried about STI issues as well as having my heart trampled on.

Should you check with someone now when you start daing if you are exclusive etc. or is it still okay to assume exclusivity unless it is specifically brought up!?

ash23

nesbitt wrote: »

Surely other people would not be flippantly or openly discussed?

I would expect that other people would not be discussed. Otherwise it's just a headwreck.

What is the norm with people is there a timeframe for 'not exclusive' and then should you expect exclusivity?

I would never expect exclusivity to develop from non exclusivity. It is a case of two people using each other. That they sort of like each other and keep seeing each other until someone they really like comes along or until they get fed up of it.

never dated like this before and don't quite know if it will suit me emotionally! Also it would be a gear shift from being exclusive for several months, break/split, and now want to see on a 'not exclusive' basis... My head and heart is a bit wrecked

You've been downgraded from boyfriend to stop-gap. Thats not ok. I would accept a non exclusive relationship from someone I met who said it right away and where it was what I wanted too. I would never be someones girlfriend and go from that to, essentially, their f*ck buddy (with "dating" benefits).

You also have problems with the situation, you like her too much for this and you WILL end up being hurt.

Avoid avoid avoid........

nesbitt

Wagon wrote: »

Not exclusive, to me anyway, means that someone wants to go out and shag other people when they can but still have that "relationship" element with someone. Some can do it and others can't. Im a jealous bloke so there's no way i can do it. If you are getting your head wrecked and pissed off by this already then end it now. It'll keep your sanity.



Really don't think I can handle this type of dating now as it hurts already. Got emotionally involved so hence the head and heart wreck. If I had just met the person and was only after having a few dates etc. I would feel differently. However still don't know if it is for me. I'm loyal and straightforward and one person at a time kinda dater.

I also have no issues with anyone seeing friends and having their own nites out etc. but I expect the same respect afforded to me. Funnily enough this person exhibits slight jealously when I go out with my friends but that is a whole other thread.

Wagon

nesbitt wrote: »

I also have no issues with anyone seeing friends and having their own nites out etc. but I expect the same respect afforded to me. Funnily enough this person exhibits slight jealously when I go out with my friends but that is a whole other thread.

But it's a bloody big warning sign. Reading between the lines it looks like they can do out with their mates and use the casual relationship situation to it's full advantage, but if you go out with your friends and might do the same, it it's a different story. They don't exactly sound like someone who looks beyond themselves.

nesbitt

ash23 wrote: »

I would expect that other people would not be discussed. Otherwise it's just a headwreck.


I would never expect exclusivity to develop from non exclusivity. It is a case of two people using each other. That they sort of like each other and keep seeing each other until someone they really like comes along or until they get fed up of it.



You've been downgraded from boyfriend to stop-gap. Thats not ok. I would accept a non exclusive relationship from someone I met who said it right away and where it was what I wanted too. I would never be someones girlfriend and go from that to, essentially, their f*ck buddy.

You also have problems with the situation, you like her too much for this and you WILL end up being hurt.

Avoid avoid avoid........

I read you loud and clear, you have about summed up my feelings. Did actually say to myself this morning so what am I now a bit of a friend, girlfriend, and indeed fcuk buddy. Ouch! I think I'll have to run but going through the pain barrier again, on this one, I'll need an anesthetic... I called the split as knew things had cooled off somewhat, a few weeks later get contacted and more or less offered this scenario.

nesbitt

Wagon wrote: »

But it's a bloody big warning sign. Reading between the lines it looks like they can do out with their mates and use the casual relationship situation to it's full advantage, but if you go out with your friends and might do the same, it it's a different story. They don't exactly sound like someone who looks beyond themselves.

Yes hand on heart I could admit that there was also a bit of a dual standard thing going on here too and ego trip vibes at times. Re-reading posts I know how crap it is so why can't I put it down easily...

Emme

IMHO if you're not exclusive you shouldn't be having sex at all. If you've been downgraded from exclusive to non-exclusive I'd run for the hills!

nesbitt

Yep kinda knew I'll have to run (again!)

At least I've learned that this 'not exclusive' crap is a form of convenience and perhaps glorified fcuk buddy. Realise that it is not for me now or in the future...

You live, you learn...


Thanks all for your helpful and insightful replies.

Wibbs

I've "dated" more than one woman at a time. If I am, I tell them I am and I never get sexual with more than one at a time. The second it looks like getting that way with one(beyond a brief snog. Even then...) I let the others know. Strangely in the past some didn't mind Maybe out of shock I was actually being honest.

As I say meeting to see if there's anything there as a possibility while being honest about it fine, if that floats your boat. If not then no way, it's player time. I know men and women who do this stuff. "date" all over the place and either have cheap nights out and/or no strings(for them) nookie. Avoid.