driven around the bends by ex

LegacyUser

Have pulled myself together today but I'm just so furious at myself and am starting to wonder if I will ever be able to judge a good character and meet someone genuine.

I was going out with a guy for a year and I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread! It was my first relationship since I'd been 19- so was 26 when I met my ex. I had heard someplace before that you should never give all of yourself to another person, and I guess I did in ways- I loved him so much, and thought we had a solid loving relationship. He did suffer mild depression at times, nothing serious, and is and was so moody, but I thought we balanced each other very well.

So near the end of the year together he read my diary and something that I had said that hurt his feelings- it was an entry going back from the first days of us going out together before I even knew him, but he was hurt by it, and I thought this was the only issue and I reassured him.. so again I thought we were okay, just a little shaky after that. Then after a holiday together where he was down, depressed and taking it out on me, we came back home and I got a text from him saying that it was over. So-- as it happens we met on an online dating site-- I started thinking to myself that maybe he had been back on the site since the incidence with the diary-- (he had told me he cheated on his two exes before me) and what do ya know, he was there with a new username and after contacting girls he had as 'friends' on his profile, it confirmed it was him- worse, he had been on the site before the diary entry, and so he had been making a bigger deal out of the diary thing to try relieve himself of his own guilt. The girls on the site said that they hadn't met him, it was just online chat, but he had given his phone number to one of them. I also have my suspicions that he cheated on me at a festival again half way through the relationship.

Sorry for being longwinded, but that is the background.

So we are broken up a year now but he has made several attempts to be friends, and though I slipped a couple of times I always cut him off again

Then last weekend, he texts saying that he wants me back... I couldnt believe it, and I said no I couldn't trust him again, and he said how he was still single, still living alone, etc. and was missing me, etc, etc.

So of course I didn't believe him, and I found out that he has been seeing someone- I'm not certain if they broke up at the weekend, but he has been seeing someone for the last month at least. The poor thing hasn't got a clue what he is like. But I confronted him the other night, and he said some horrible things to me, and of course denied it all. I cant say how I know, so he thinks I'm bluffing.

It's all getting to me now. I am studying like crazy at the mo (changing career) and am looking for work, my dad isn't well, and this is the last thing that I need ya know? I have cut all contact with him now- or at least I have asked him to delete my number from his phone so that we could cut contact once and for all.

But how did I get it so wrong about him? Even with little signs? Even knowing he cheated all both of his exes? I'm 27 now and I'm worried I'm not going to be able to get a good guy that I can trust. I loved this guy and was totally loyal to him so I know I can be in a good relationship, but what's the good in those qualities if you can't judge people's characters?

I will take a long time to get over this and in ways I'm afraid I'll never learn to trust again.

Wibbs

I know this sounds daftly simple, but listen and look and don't ignore signs that may become an issue down the line.

He admitted he cheated on exes. Big red flag. People can change alright, but it's rare. Look at how a person thinks of or treated exes. It's a good yardstick to go by. If they spit venom about exes, I think of them as not a good bet until they sort that out. Of course if theyre still raw from a very recent break, that's understandable, but you want to avoid that type of person anyway. If you find out they got dumped because of infidelity like in your case, don't start believing you'll be able to change them. Rarely happens.

Look at how they treat people of the opposite sex that they're not romantically interested in. That's a good judge of how they'll treat you when the honeymoon period wears off. A good sign is if they have women mates they're not interested in romantically.

The depression was an issue. A potential red flag. Don't get me wrong it's an illness and not a persons fault but I personally would have difficulty going out with a depressed person. I've had enough neurotics to last a lifetime. Now let me be clear, I have gone out with women with depression(in one case heavy duty clinical depression) but they were fine and I consider them good times in my life, because they were sorted or getting themselves sorted. There's a diff right there.

Look for a man with consistent emotions. This is a biggy IMHO. Men who vary too much or are overly emotional and dramatic when it's not warranted are not long term bets again IMHO. It may be exciting at first, but it'll drive you nuts longterm.

Pick well in the first place and you'll have a better chance down the line. If this eejit was a one off for you, then chances are you'll pick better next time. If he was part of a pattern that's a harder nut to crack as you're being consistent in looking for dodgy traits in guys.

My 2 cents anyway.

Wibbs

Wibbs wrote: »

He admitted he cheated on exes. Big red flag. People can change alright, but it's rare. Look at how a person thinks of or treated exes.

Sorry to butt in but could you elaborate on that point, Wibbs? I'm interested in your opinion on that, as any time I've posted here mentioning that I'm worried an ex cheated in the past, I was told not to be so judgemental and that everyone makes mistakes. My ex then ended up cheating on me, so that did nothing to change my mind! The thing is, I rarely ever meet a guy who has never cheated (not necessarily sex, but kissing or whatever) and I don't think I go for 'bad boys' or anything like that.

can i be frank

yea we all cheat at one time or another doesnt mean were inherently bad

Liam Byrne

can i be frank wrote: »

yea we all cheat at one time or another doesnt mean were inherently bad

Er, no. "we all" don't.

kpas

can i be frank wrote: »

yea we all cheat at one time or another doesnt mean were inherently bad

Woah!!!:eek::eek: care to elaborate???

can i be frank

JOKE!!!! i was spoofing the original post before mine! as regards the op im sorry about this, i was in simular circumstances regarding trusting a ex and to be honest i also wonder if ill ever get that trust back!

kpas

[quote=[Deleted User];62540583]Sorry to butt in but could you elaborate on that point, Wibbs? I'm interested in your opinion on that, as any time I've posted here mentioning that I'm worried an ex cheated in the past, I was told not to be so judgemental and that everyone makes mistakes. My ex then ended up cheating on me, so that did nothing to change my mind! The thing is, I rarely ever meet a guy who has never cheated (not necessarily sex, but kissing or whatever) and I don't think I go for 'bad boys' or anything like that.[/quote]


I know it's very cliche but I think you just haven't met the right guy... tbh I think alot of guys cheat because of a sense of insecurity within themselves and although that doesn't make you feel any better... when these guys grow up -eventually, and granted some of them never do, they find themselves very alone... I've seen it happen to my own friends... some of them anyway!!! Were not all Bas**rds...!!!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

kpas

kpas wrote: »

I know it's very cliche but I think you just haven't met the right guy... tbh I think alot of guys cheat because of a sense of insecurity within themselves and although that doesn't make you feel any better... when these guys grow up -eventually, and granted some of them never do, they find themselves very alone... I've seen it happen to my own friends... some of them anyway!!! Were not all Bas**rds...!!!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I don't mean every guy I've gone out with, I mean every guy I've ever met. A lot of them seem to say 'ah I was young and stupid' but some of them are still doing it. I used to have a really naive view of this stuff (cheater = bad person) but some of the nicest people I know have cheated once or multiple times in the past.

nodirectionhome

Hey OP, I know exactly how you feel, I'm 27 too, I am just out of a relationship that ended with me realising he had been cheating, emotionally, and possibly physically, it was so hurtful, and I was totally faithful also, yet he has managed to make me come off looking the bad party insinuating I was insecure. Its awful and it really makes you doubt your judgement. I have met a nice guy recently and totally driven him away as I just know my judgement is still skewed, and now I really am insecure ironically.

But time is the best thing, and distance between you and your ex. I am getting things back on track and having some me time, and reckon its the best way. Best of luck hope you start feeling better about things soon

Wibbs

[quote=[Deleted User];62540583]Sorry to butt in but could you elaborate on that point, Wibbs? I'm interested in your opinion on that, as any time I've posted here mentioning that I'm worried an ex cheated in the past, I was told not to be so judgemental and that everyone makes mistakes. My ex then ended up cheating on me, so that did nothing to change my mind! The thing is, I rarely ever meet a guy who has never cheated (not necessarily sex, but kissing or whatever) and I don't think I go for 'bad boys' or anything like that.[/QUOTE]Well I never have cheated on a partner, even a short termer and I can be and have been a slapper of the highest order when single. I consider them separate states. I can think of quite a few men I know and have known like that. Actually I'd say the majority of those men. Indeed of the women I've known, they've cheated, both physically and emotionally way more than the men. Waaaaay more. So it really does depend on the people you know and are exposed to and how variable an opinion that can form.

Now to be fair, I was never tempted enough to cheat, so I can hardly hold myself up as some moral high ground. Better someone who has been tempted enough and still said no I reckon. That said I have been tempted. And it wasn't for self esteem reasons or any of that (IMHO) BS oft spouted. Self esteem? I was chock full of the stuff in situations like that. I simply felt the urge to basically hop on and have sex with a woman, a new novel woman that wasn't my partner. They turned me on at the time. End of. I stopped because big head out voted little head and I thought about who I would lose for the sake of a glorified ****. It simply wasn't worth it. Even if my GF was a complete pain in the arse at the time and the woman in front of me was a cross between mother teresa, marie curie and jenna jameson, I still wouldn't, because of what I would lose of myself for a glorified ****.

As for being judgemental. I work the pretty black and white principle on this one. If someone has slipped up once, especially when young or has even slipped up a few times in an unhealthy relationship while young and immature, then that's grand. We've all made mistakes and eejits of ourselves. If they pull that stuff much beyond their teens then thanks but no thanks. If they pull that in a relationship with me, game over. Once I can deal with and I'd want to know if I had a part to play in their need for that, but if it was just a case of their crotch getting warm for someone and their brain couldn't over rule that, then go away. Lack of self control and insight and basic cop on, never mind loyalty are not a set of features I would want to have in my life. I simply couldn't love or be attracted to someone like that, unless it was for a one night quicky. I have standards.

nodirectionhome wrote:

But time is the best thing, and distance between you and your ex. I am getting things back on track and having some me time, and reckon its the best way. Best of luck hope you start feeling better about things soon

Nail on the head from nodirectionhome. You need both physical and temporal distance from this guy. Then you will see a bullet well dodged. And you will find a better man. They're out there. There's a load of them in fact. Even if there was only a few of them, given men make up 50% of the population your odds are still good.

kittenkiller

OP, we all get duped once in a while.
That's life.
You live, you learn.
Don't blame yourself for not seeing it earlier.
If you were that blind you'd probably still be with him.
You seem to have your sh1te together to me.

Relax and enjoy yourself, you'll find someone wonderful who deserves you.
Maybe a friend of a friend, that way you have personal reference from someone you trust before you start anything

LegacyUser

Thanks a mil for all of the replies and advice, found it a great help. I have been feeling a massive sense of relief he is out of my life now and have decided to change my phone number so that he can't get in touch again- he has promised he wouldn't text before, and broke that promise. That was one thing I'd have done differently actually- the best I was was in the first few months when I ignored him 100% and didn't read any text that came from him, then I was feeling like I could handle it all so well that when he got in touch once I made the mistake of one reply, as I felt I could manage that surely, but of course he is a master manipulator and he roped me in in a way, but I did cut contact pretty soon after it, but it damaged the hard and good work I had gone through in the first months of getting him out of my head!

Thanks nodirectionhome for the chin up, I guess hearing from someone that's going through the same as I am is reassuring We will be wiser the next time.

Wibbs thanks for the brill advice on traits and signs to keep in mind when you are judging man's character.. a lot is under the surface too of course, but I wouldn' t ignore any signs again and make excuses for him.

Thanks again everyone.

xx