How can I gain trust?

fitgir

I am in a relationship at present and we are after having another row. I cheated on my girlfriend (Now Wife) 3 years ago while we had a child. She found out and wanted to know all the truth. At this stage she was raving mad and if I told her the whole truth it would have lead to her going to the person's house and doing damage. I don't know what, but I know it would have happened. Therefore I didn't tell the full truth.

Slowly over the next 6 months the truth came out as I couldn't tell her everything at once in order to protect myself, the other person and my partner.

Since then I have been upfront and honest with her and she knows everything about what happened. We have since gotten married and she is pregnant again. But the whole thing has come up again and it turns out she hasn't trusted me in the last while nor loved me.

The whoel thing has all gone up in the air again, as bad as ever' I know what I did was wrong, I know why she doesn't trust me but why has it gone like this again? Why, why wy??

Will she ever trust me again??

opinion guy

Um, not really sure how you expect any of us to answer this one for you OP. Unfortunately I think its a case of you did the crime, now you have to do the time. Its kind of up to her if/when she forgives you.

Still seems strange that she would marry you and get pregnant again if she didn't trust you or love you to some degree.

Did something spark this latest row ? How did this whole topic come up again ?

apsalar

fitgir wrote: »

I am in a relationship at present and we are after having another row. I cheated on my girlfriend (Now Wife) 3 years ago while we had a child. She found out and wanted to know all the truth. At this stage she was raving mad and if I told her the whole truth it would have lead to her going to the person's house and doing damage. I don't know what, but I know it would have happened. Therefore I didn't tell the full truth.

Slowly over the next 6 months the truth came out as I couldn't tell her everything at once in order to protect myself, the other person and my partner.

Since then I have been upfront and honest with her and she knows everything about what happened. We have since gotten married and she is pregnant again. But the whole thing has come up again and it turns out she hasn't trusted me in the last while nor loved me.

The whoel thing has all gone up in the air again, as bad as ever' I know what I did was wrong, I know why she doesn't trust me but why has it gone like this again? Why, why wy??

Will she ever trust me again??

I am very sad reading this...it took a lot out of me when my partner cheated and its very damaging on ALL the parties involved,innocent or not.

Reading your post you seem very remorseful and trying to get over things and treat your wife right. But you need to realise that its easier for you than her. After all,it happened to her, not you. What may have been a very cruel, selfish mistake on your part is probably a never-ending point of pain for her.

You may forget, she never will. She agreed to move on and marry you, so she is trying, maybe her pregnancy is resurrecting all the old insecurities? It can be very trying being pregnant without all the added hurt you caused to this woman's life.

At the end of the day you have to accept she may never trust you...in fact I can assure you she never really will. Once its broken, its broken. It's unfortunate but those are some of the rewards you get when you cheat.

The only thing you can do is be supportive, reassure her of your fidelity and DONT make the mistake of saying it was all in the past (because it isn't for her, no matter how much she tries).

fitgir

Thanks for your posts.
I just want to know if I am making mistskes or what I can do to make it as best as possible. I think the pregnancy has done something. I could be wrong and I really am remorseful.
I certainly haven't done anything to bring this up again as I don't go out much at all now in order to be supportive etc.

ash23

I cheated on my girlfriend (Now Wife) 3 years ago while we had a child

How old was the child when you had the affair?
Did you at any point tell her that the stresses of the pregnancy/small child left you feeling ignored/unloved etc. It's pretty common.
But if this is the case, then maybe she is worried the same will happen again?

Maybe she is feeling insecure as she is gaining weight and she may be tired and moody. She might be afraid that this will all lead to another affair.

It's all speculation of course.

Oh The Humanity

fitgir wrote: »

I am in a relationship at present and we are after having another row. I cheated on my girlfriend (Now Wife) 3 years ago while we had a child. She found out and wanted to know all the truth. At this stage she was raving mad and if I told her the whole truth it would have lead to her going to the person's house and doing damage. I don't know what, but I know it would have happened. Therefore I didn't tell the full truth.

Slowly over the next 6 months the truth came out as I couldn't tell her everything at once in order to protect myself, the other person and my partner.

Since then I have been upfront and honest with her and she knows everything about what happened. We have since gotten married and she is pregnant again. But the whole thing has come up again and it turns out she hasn't trusted me in the last while nor loved me.

The whoel thing has all gone up in the air again, as bad as ever' I know what I did was wrong, I know why she doesn't trust me but why has it gone like this again? Why, why wy??

Will she ever trust me again??

She might. It depends on a lot of things. Whether you have earned her trust back, shown that you can be trusted. Whether the original reasons for the affair are still there or gone. Also depends on what kind of person your wife is etc...

Its come up again because she is pregnant again and that's probably bringing it all back.

I don't know if men know this but its one of the worst fears of a woman going into a pregnancy. 'Will he no longer find me attractive and cheat' and/or 'will he be mad at the pregnancy and punish me and cheat' etc etc

Men have far greater opportunity to cheat while their wife/gf is pregnant and I think its a deep cut to try to heal. It betraying someone when they are at their most vulnerable.

All you can do is wait and let her see things are different now.

One thing I do note which I didn't like was the way you drip fed her the truth over 6 months. Fair enough you mentioned in order to protect her but you had yourself and the other woman (I presume it was a woman) there too.

Excuse me but fcuk the other woman. I take it she was aware you were in a relationship, well then its not your business to 'protect' her. Shes a grown woman, she is obliged to deal with the conseqences of her own actions.

opinion guy

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

One thing I do note which I didn't like was the way you drip fed her the truth over 6 months. Fair enough you mentioned in order to protect her but you had yourself and the other woman (I presume it was a woman) there too.

Excuse me but fcuk the other woman. I take it she was aware you were in a relationship, well then its not your business to 'protect' her. Shes a grown woman, she is obliged to deal with the conseqences of her own actions.

To be fair here now, I took it to mean the OP was afraid the GF would go physically assault the other woman which is not good for anyone now is it ? Normally I would agree with you he should have been fully open and honest, but if there was a real chance of this I can see why he drip fed it to her. At least he did tell her eventually. This is taking the OP at his word now.

fitgir

The child was very young. The early days were all fighting at night as well.
I think it has alot to do with insecurities which is fair enough.
I have no intention of ever doing this again and now realise that it was a major mistake.
Yes the truth was drip fed, but I explained the reason behind this.

apsalar

Fitgir, having a child can unbalance any relationship. I am glad you can at least begin to trace where the insecurities came from and how you relationship maybe started to seem like never-ending grief.

Believe me, even with 3 or 4 children a new child can cause stresses as every child is different and we can never fully prepare emotionally, no matter how we prepare otherwise.

So maybe this is what is causing the latest tension in your relationship. She is probably feeling very vulnerable (as another poster said) and is feeling scared about this new child and the implications on your marriage and this is coming out as grief over the past.

It may be a cliche but actions do speak louder than words. There's probably nothing you can say to her, but if you can manage until the baby comes, just keep it quiet, don't rise to any arguments, be as helpful with your child to give her enough rest, if you're not working, try not to be underfoot too much and just be gentle with her. It may chafe as it's natural to try and defend oneself etc, but if you want her to have the baby in as peaceful an environment as possible that's a good start.

And it may let her see that you've truly learnt your lesson and love her.

Good luck, am so glad you're trying for her. I hope your relationship works out.

ash23

If the early baby days caused fighting and (in her mind) sent you running into the arms of another woman, then this pregnancy is obviously going to bring that all up again. She is probably fretting that the stress of the new baby will have you off with someone again.
I would think that day to day she trusts you but is obviously afraid you will crack under pressure. So she doesn't trust you fully.

I don't know what I would recommend except counselling. The last thing she needs to be wrecking her head with is thoughts of you straying on top of a pregnancy and new baby. She should try to work on these issues with you before the baby arrives.