Career meltdown

Dryad

I've chosen the wong time to have a career meltdown. I have had a successful career in financial services for the last 20 years. It's a stressful job that requires me to juggle the requirements of management, staff and clients.

This last year has been difficult. I survived a round of redundancies. I was given an assignment to temporarily take on an section that was outside my normal area of expertise which included dealing with some very difficult staff. I also had to take on a particularly difficult client which required working 12 hour days to get the job done. I had rows with my husband about the late hours and about the state that I was in when I finally got home. He reckoned that work was taking over my life...our lives.

I have always been motivated by doing a good job and I have always wanted to please people. This year I have been bawled out by a client, had problems with some staff and pissed off my husband. So I am not pleasing anyone.

I have a new assignment now to take on another client. This will require several months of 12 hour days. I honestly don't think I have the energy for this anymore. I wind myself up into an awful state these days when I am going to work. I find I am very disconnected when I get there. I cry when I am alone the tears are spilling down my face as I write this and that can't be right. It sounds weird but I would rather be at home ill than in work at the moment.

I feel like a spoilt brat carrying on like this. I know how lucky I am to have a job. However, I feel like real life is passing me by while I sit at that desk. I need a big change but, after 20 years in the same career, I have no idea what else I would be good at.

I have discussed this with my husband. He doesn't know what to say to me. He has said that if I want to give up work and take time out for a while then he is fine with that because he can see how stressed and unhappy I am. This will leave us in a very tight financial situation. It's an awful lot to ask of him.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I feel like I am going mad and I need help because I am lost.

Kipperhell

I know where you are coming from and I have to say that I should have listened to myself to avoid a real melt down a few years ago. There are however more options than simply leaving or staying. You could approach your company and explain that you won't be able to do 12 hour days and a compromise should be come to. You could request a job share situation for example.
If you are frank with the company about what you need they may just be belligerent and simply say no but they may not. You could possibly get contract work which is very liberating.
Rather than close your options try to expand them. Have a real look over a few weeks to see what jobs are available even in your current field. Nobody can really afford to quit work at the moment

If you are seriously thinking of leaving you have nothing to lose by asking for more options you don't have to say you are not prepared to stay as the current situation stands. Don't rise to possible confrontation on it as you should be seen as serious rather than aggressive. Some bosses will try to make it appear that you can't do the job but you should be making it clear you can do the job but time lines are the cause of excessive hours.

Good luck

LegacyUser

You only have one life to live. Don't waste it being unhappy. Make yourself happy. Not your boss...not a client.

If that means 9 hour days instead of 12 - so be it. If it means a new career - so be it. Don't look back on a career and wish you had experienced a life instead.

Financial constraints should only be one part of your decision.

jimmycrackcorm

Dryad wrote: »

I have a new assignment now to take on another client. This will require several months of 12 hour days. I honestly don't think I have the energy for this anymore.

Who is making you work 12 hour days? Don't do that or delegate and manage it better. It sounds like you are the only one pushing yourself into this work/life imbalance.

LegacyUser

I completely can relate to what you are saying. This is about your sanity and work/life balance. Getting stressed to the extent that you get sick will do neither you nor the company any good. Progression of the issues to the extent that you go out ill could harm your career in the long term, whereas a more upfront and progressive approach may not (though that can't be promised either).

An approach would be to sit down with your direct manager and outline the issues you are experiencing with the workload you have on currently. Tell them that you are not feeling good about the level of work nor your current attitude towards it. Then ask them to help you resolve the issue. Go to them with what you really want to see happening. For example:

Maybe you should take a step back, maybe even temporarily. It is not easy but sometimes is the only way forward. This means they take workload off you and you complete a smaller workload in a normal or approaching normal working day.
What you need to do is stop trying to do everything the company ask. I manage people and the person who succeeds in completing a task effectively is going to be handed out an even bigger one to keep them challenged, and because there is a lot of work to be done with limited resources.

You could go on a 3/4 day week. Again this may not be available but would help with the work life balance issue.

You could look for another job and move companies. If you are effective at your job, the company won't want to loose you and will work with you to make sure you can stay long term.

I have a big problem with work life balance heading my way as soon as I am off maternity leave. After my first baby, when I went back to work I was not as effective as before I had children. I simply didn't have the hours. Work suffered a bit, but not to the extent that I wasn't performing pretty well.

Now I am going back to work in a couple of months and I have two children. I am going to play it by ear for a few months but know that I cannot let my children's lives suffer. As a result my husband and I have agreed that we will allow a trial period of approx 6 months and then re-evaluate. Our options are to request part time for one or the other of us. For one or the other of us to take a demotion and that person to take the lead at home while working less hours. I'm not sure yet what is going to happen but I'm going back with an open mind. You are not the only person struggling with this and minding the job in the current climate is definitely making decisions in this area more difficult.

I hope this helps.
Best of luck.

laura l

couldn't read and not reply you seem to be going through such a tough time.

being assigned to deal with the difficult staff members and the difficult client...it sounds as though it is a case of "flogging the winning horse" to me i.e. you are very capable, highly competent, reliable and great at your job, and therefore end up with a heavy workload.
is "saying no" an option in your job? are the others who could share the burden?.
in the short term perhaps it is worth having a chat with your GP as you are clearly exhausted and this is affecting you outside of work. You could go on sick leave with pay for a while just to take the time to regroup and see what you want to do about this..like another poster suggested, going on a 3 day week or having a chat with a superior about your role. please try not to worry about the workload, work will go on with or without you there, your own health and wellbeing is far more important in the longterm.
Life is too short.

LegacyUser

Hi Dryad,
I feel just awful for you.

I understand that while it seems to people not working where you are, that the long hours are in your control, I know that often in financial services working your contracted hours is seen as weak/not performing/taking a half day. The long hours culture is one of the most difficult things to overcome.

As others have said you should talk to someone there.
I think you should talk to your HR. Explain that the stress levels are more than you can take. It is an employers obligation to deal with that.

If you don't get a postitive - and I mean 'no problem, we'll do whatever we can'.. then go to your GP and get signed off for the break that you quite clearly need.

On return, you will see HR again, and you can give them a chance to address the causes of your stress, which to an outsider seems like monumental overload of work.

I bet that you smile and take on all tasks, get them done really well, and so you're now a safe pair of hands that doesn't grumble or spit the dummy out.. so it's all going to get dumped on you.

If you don't want to get signed off, then just work your contracted hours for one week, and see how you feel.
Make up arrangements, or actually make some.
Leave work at 5.30, and go home, or go to the cinema or go for a walk and turn off your mobile!
Get your husband to ring you to say 'leave now'....
Whatever it takes.
Just a week of that might help put the workload into perspective.

There's always a concern about addressing these issues internally at work, as you think you will be labelled or marked out as 'deficient' in some way.
That's also a syptom of your stress talking - you're not seeing a way out.

Again, it's your employers obligation to resolve workplace stress.
If they don't, you have an employment tribunal waiting to happen, and they know it.

You and your husband and your 'real life' are so much more than a job.

Take care, chin up

thefeatheredcat

There's a lot to risk - a great career and financial security that could risk your health (physically and mentally) and marriage or taking time away but facing financial insecurity.

There are a couple of other options; you could take the skills from your business and set up a business in that field. You could take a total career change. You could take time out for yourself and your husband.

If you were to take on this extra client with all that you face and feel, are you strong enough to handle it? where will it take you and will you be happy?

What doors will that open for you? Can you open these same doors another way?

Your health is important and stress like that isn't really worth it especially if it's impacting your personal life.

Dryad

Thanks to everyone for the very helpful comments. In some ways it's advice I would certainly give to other people. I should listen to myself!

Things came to a head where I was starting to feel physically ill so the doctor has given me some time off. Hopefully some time and space will give me to to think rationally and apply some common sense to the situation.

Thanks again everyone. It's nice to know that I am not alone in feeling like this and I don't feel so much like I am going nuts!

Oh The Humanity

I feel sad for the situation you are in.

Just a few bits to add. I think one of the main driving forces behind your actions is yourself. You are a people pleaser. Im guessing you like to be seen as a reliable 'can do' person who gets things done with minimum fuss and drama.

Now thats great but as you know a lot of the time projects do involve drama be it because of old legacy dead end processes, difficult or even toxic staff etc In other words we are all getting pushed to do more in less time these days. Half the staff are gone and the ones that remain can be less than quality.

Your managers know this. The stuff you are getting now is probably half impossible especially if you are dealing with toxic staff members who can't be reasoned with and are difficult about everything. People that bring more problems than solutions.

The thing about being a 'can-do' person is that it doesn't always work. Sometimes you can't do. And thats not your fault. The reason you are been handed these projects that are lying around is people before you also couldn't get them in on time and with the correct quality. You are going to batter them through at great personal expense to yourself.

Bosses will keep using you to mop up these messes because they can see you are willing and don't want to be beaten. They will let you go on chipping away trying to impress and turn a blind eye to your distress.

So what to do?

Well look at these toxic people. They wont do this and they wont do that. Everythings a problem yet they sail through life getting everything their way and not giving a sh1t about their reputation or whether things get done.

Dont be like them. But dont be like you.

Be somewhere in the middle. Speak up when something gets on top of you. Afraid? Yes of course because you know what will happen. The bosses will try to engender shame in you, get you to feel a failure. Dont be manipulated. Let them see you are not going to be their human shield any more doing the dirty work they wont/cant do themselves.

No need to be defiant or rebellious. Just less effective. What will happen?
Some other eager beaver is going to jump up snapping at your heels vulturing your position. Well, let them have it. You will either be sidelined into a less 'prestigious' role while carrying on with less stress and the same pay or you will be offered redundancy, which is a lot better than leaving with nothing.

Its all in how you think. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. Stop caring so very much about your professional reputation because being a martyr to the company will drain you dry if you dont stop.

LegacyUser

I know what youre going through. I have been going through stress/depression lately and it makes work much harder. When I go to work I feel disconnected - I know exactly what you mean by that. The people I talk to in work re this, very few people, dont acknowledge how serious the problem is for me. They end up talking about themselves. I have great people on the outside though.
You say you chose a bad time to have a career meltdown. But actually you didnt choose to have a career metldown. Far from it. Also the language you use to describe it 'career meltdown' is very extreme and catastrophic. You would be better ackowledging you are feeling a lot of stress at work and not describe it as more than that.
It sounds like your body is giving you strong signals to take it easier. Whatever way you can to listen to this and respond appropriately then take it. You say you dont know what other career you would do but a whole career move might be necessary. Maybe you could
- do the same job for the same employer but less hours and with a more relaxed attitude
- do a different job for the same employer
- do the same job for another employer
- do a slightly different job for a different employer.
Let me know how you get on.

richardbradley

Have you spoken to your employer yet?

As an employer I would urge you to talk it through with your boss.

I wouldn't have too much sympathy with someone who's way of dealing with it is to go straight from 12 hour days doing everything i'm asked to signed off sick by the doctor with stress.

I would much prefer an honest conversation with you before it reaches this stage and then i would support you - i'd rather have you doing 8 hour days than none at all.

Once it gets to the stage you're off sick you have left me in the lurch by your abscence and i am less likely to want to support you to improve the situation.

If your boss is reasonable work it through with them asap, if they are unreasonable take some timeout.