Is this the done thing now.....

Tulip07

Hi Folks,

Ok.....so I've only recently dipped my toe back into dating waters so to speak. Bad break up about 2 years ago, took some time out and now starting to get back into the swing of things again.

The last couple of times I've been out I've got chatting to someone etc....in the middle of the conversation my number was asked for. The number request didn't come completely out of the blue as in both cases there was some talk of meeting up again but nothing concrete.....but I figured it could've been "all talk". Anyway numbers were swapped...all was grand.

So on the first occassion heard nothing, didnt think too much of it and left it. Whatever; "He's just not that into me" and all that so no hassle.

Second occasion, last weekend, the number requester seemed pretty keen to meet up again.....mentioned it about 3 times. But I didn't commit to any arrangement....as there was a lot of sweet talking going on (him, not me!) and as I'm only getting back to the whole dating thing I'm still pretty wary of this kind of spiel based on previous experience.

So, my question is....is the arranging a second meet-up, before the initial meet-up has reached it's conclusion, being used as a pre-cursor for some no-strings attached fun. I'm no prude but at the moment it's not what I'm looking for. I've checked this out with some of the girly friends but as most of them are attached they could offer no advice. This question should really be posed for the lads out there anyway.....are some guys using this approach to lull us into a false sense of security, in the hope that we might let our guard down and suggest "coming back for a coffee"??

Or am I just being too paranoid/cynical and should I just take it at face value and go with the flow? I'm not against some no strings attached fun......bring it on:D, but at the moment it's not really on the menu.

Any thoughts?

shellyboo

You're being paranoid and overly cynical. If a guy has intentions to get you into the sack and nothing else, you'll soon know about it. You can then exercise your free will to tell him "no thank you" and walk away.

Agreeing to a second date isn't putting you under any obligation to jump in the sack with these men... if you keep refusing second dates on the basis of what their motives might possibly be, then you're going to miss out on some genuinely nice guys.

Tulip07

Thanks Shelly-boo,

Yeah I probably need to keep the paranoia/cynicism in check.....although in saying that he was pretty persistent about calling over after I got home and that's when I started to wonder.

Well I haven't heard anything since and the 3 Day Rule expires today so we'll see. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Tulip07 wrote: »

Thanks Shelly-boo,

Yeah I probably need to keep the paranoia/cynicism in check.....although in saying that he was pretty persistent about calling over after I got home and that's when I started to wonder.

Well I haven't heard anything since and the 3 Day Rule expires today so we'll see. :rolleyes:

It can be a trick used to build trust so woman will let their guard down.
Well he's asked for my number and want's to meet up again, so he really likes me and is not just interested in a quick sh*g.

ladymarmalade

I agree with Shellyboo if you don't want to bed the guy walk away. However, don't cut off your nose to spite your face......... not giving your number could lead to missing out on meeting a genuine guy .

kjl

yes, this is the done thing. So is not calling.

Faith

I've met a few guys like that. Gotten on really well with them, swapped numbers, they've texted me about meeting up... then nothing. It's mad. Ironically, the one time I met a guy and thought "ah feck it" and slept with him straight away, it's turned into a wonderful long-term relationship! You just never know how it's going to go.

samsung22

I was asked back for a coffee at the weekend........sadly though, it was just the coffee that I got!

Nervous Wreck

Perhaps the problem is that when these lads ask for your number to arrange a meet-up, you "didn't commit to any arrangement". Believe it or not, we can sense when a girl doesn't seem into having an arranged meet-up and, for me, if I asked a girl about meeting up again, whether she gave me her number or not, if she was shady about even committing to a 'yeah that could be fun, defo text me' or whatever, I wouldn't waste my time. Cos as far as I see it, if I ask a girl to meet up with me again and she's like "yeah maybe, who knows, whatever", I'm gonna think "right, if I text her she's either not gonna write back or she's gonna reject... why take the ego blow?"

It's not just a one-sided thing. You are being cynical and men can pick up on that.

Millie

Faith wrote: »

I've met a few guys like that. Gotten on really well with them, swapped numbers, they've texted me about meeting up... then nothing. It's mad. Ironically, the one time I met a guy and thought "ah feck it" and slept with him straight away, it's turned into a wonderful long-term relationship! You just never know how it's going to go.

What Faith said, my past has been the exact same
Meet some (what I thought were great guys) with loads in common etc & both of us seemed really keen to meet up again despite not having slept together.
And then nothing! It used to wreak my head initially but then it became part of the course.
And like that last Feb I thought to hell with it and met a great guy and slept with him on the first night and hey presto we are moving in together in the next few weeks.

winking weber

A lot of the holding back is about sussing out someone before you jump into bed with them.
With some people, its just not necessary. And with some it really is.

OP I do think you're overthinking it slightly just go with the flow and do what feels right.

G-Money

It's hard to say. I know I was due to meet up with a girl from Facebook a few weeks ago. We had discussed on the Monday and had arranged to meet on the Friday but she had asked could she just wait until the Tuesday just to confirm it. I said that was ok and Tuesday came and went and I heard nothing. It gets to Thursday and she texts to say that some family stuff has come up and she can't make it. I think she finished the text off with "maybe next week?"

I replied with something like "yeah no worries" and then deleted her number a few hours later and deleted her off Facebook too. My own policy is that if someone cancels on an arrangement, I don't proceed to try and arrange another. I leave it up to them to suggest the day and time and not some vague "meet up soon" or something. If they don't suggest it, I just act like we never had plans in the first place and I don't suggest it either.

It's possible he just wanted a ride and that's it and said that to suss you out and see if you were up for the same thing. I know it might not be what you want at the moment, but in fairness if he's upfront about it, he's no less entitled to what he wants than you are.

G-Money

Tulip07 wrote: »

I'm not against some no strings attached fun......bring it on:D, but at the moment it's not really on the menu.
Any thoughts?

I have to admit you don't really sound like you know what you want. You are kind of saying here that you're not against no strings fun, to bring it on, but it's not what you want at the moment.

If you don't know what you want, I reckon you should think about that a bit then worry about guys intentions later. There's few things that do a guys head in more than a girl who flip flops over things and doesn't know what she wants.

herya

grandmaster wrote: »

I have to admit you don't really sound like you know what you want. You are kind of saying here that you're not against no strings fun, to bring it on, but it's not what you want at the moment.

If you don't know what you want, I reckon you should think about that a bit then worry about guys intentions later. There's few things that do a guys head in more than a girl who flip flops over things and doesn't know what she wants.

I can see the difference between consensual NSA "bit of fun" and being manipulated though. I understand that the OP is wary of the latter.

Tulip07

Thanks for all the view-points folks.

Herya...exactly....it felt a bit like maybe I was being buttered up a bit to enable a smooth transition from bar, to back of taxi to bedroom. In fairness the guy in question was pretty cute and kind of hooked me in fairly quickly.... I think that was the thing......there was serious chemistry between us and I was kind of taken aback by it. When asked about meeting up again....I said yes, the 3 times he asked me! I was/am interested....I genuinely like the guy and it's the first guy in ages I've had any kind of interest in.

Grandmaster....I do know what I want....I would like to be in a relationship but I don't want to feel manipulated into thinking a one-nighter might turn into something more....it can do and has been the case in the past for me, but this is my issue not your man's.

My initial post was more to guage whether this is common, being asked for your number half-way through the night as opposed to the end of the night.....given that it's a while since I've been single and I hadn't come across this scenario the last time I was single.

G-Money

Ah ok. It wasn't really clear from your post, no worries.

I guess it's up to you. I guess you can only judge the situation on it's merits although I can see how previous experiences would make you wary. There's plenty of other people on this thread though who can give you better advice about this than me. I'm a fella but I've never had a one nighter, or a relationship either actually, so I've flip all to base my opinions on

Good luck with whatever happens.

LegacyUser

Hi,
similar thing happened to me at the weekend. Got chatting to someone, lots of spark etc...kissed, swapped numbers before he asked about meeting up and I agreed I would be interested. Before I left to go home he asked me if I wanted him to come home with me....so I said Well it doesn't feel appropriate tonight. So he said fair enough, we'll meet up and go on a proper date then. I said grand, sure text me.

I get home, he texts to see if I'm home ok. Ah sweet, i thought...i reply saying yeah, just in the door now. he replies Cool, want me to call over. I replied saying I was wrecked, had good laugh 10 mins chatting and he asks again if he can call over.....at this stage I'm getting a bit annoyed and said look you can call over but nothings going to happen. If you're looking for a one night stand there's no point getting a taxk from your house back to mine. So he responds to say he knows I'm more than a one night stand....whatever that meant. w

Anyway to cut a long story short, he arrived over.....it was fine, we had a laugh, didn't sleep together and the next morning everything was grand, he mentioned a couple of times that we had fun together and implied we'd meet up again. I dropped him home and everything was cool.

I havent heard from him since and I'm wondering what the deal was.....was all the sweet talk just an attempt to get his leg-over? Did I give off the impression I was that naive?? He's been on my mind a good bit I have to admit.....he made a big impression and is the first guy to come along in a while that I've actually found myself interested in. Im in 2 minds to even bother contacting him.....I would like to see him again but don't want to risk making contact first in case I've totally mis-read the signs and it was just a bit of fun for him. Then I think...to hell contact him, what have i got to loose; he's either interested or not....if he ignores me then grand, there's my answer.