Don't know how much further I can go?

LegacyUser

All my life I've struggled, primarily with my thoughts and emotions but more so in my adult years with expressing myself. I have been going to a councellor for the last year or two and I've never truly been able to say what has been going on...both in life in general and in my head! This may sound weird in all my 25 years, I've never talked to anyone about anything meaning-full, including my parents. I feel as if I don't have any sort of relationship with them.
My father is an alcoholic and has abused my mother an myself for many years. It's as though the two of us have and are punch bags for the last 17/18 years. I have gone down various avenues to try and protect my mother in the last few years, however, none of them have seemed to have worked. I as a result have moved out three years ago. I just knew I had to for me and have gone and done a college course miles away from home to try and move forward with life but in some respects it's just seemed to go all over the place....I simply can't cope!
I am living with a few friends from home for the last couple years and they are not aware of the circumstances on which I left home on. I can't bring myself to tell them. Where I come from, it's generally a case where everyone, knows everyone and there business and basically if this got out, all hell would break loose and I don't want to make this situation any harder than it already is for my mother! I go home most weekends, and yes I will admit I do have to put up with the usual crap, I feel it's ok for me because I can walk away and hop on a bus for another 5 days and just try and forget about it. But I know it's not and now it's starting to affect me really badly.

My relationships with my friends are really starting to detoriate, they have said to me directly that my mood swings are starting to become irratic, that I'm all over the place. I simply can't control my own actions and I don't know what to do about it. I know even though I've seen so much aggression, I am not aggressive or I don't have a temper. I just seem to come out with random hurtful statement that I truly don't mean and go on various cleaning splurges and also tend to turn to alcohol and codeine based drugs to help in some ways relieve the pain...but it never works!

As regards my mother, well she just sits there and takes it! I have sought help for the gardai but she refuses to tell them anything...Even for my father scare tatics don't work. Initially this was the plan in calling the gardai...No matter what help I've sought for her she's in complete denial and simply won't come to terms to what he's has done to her/us.

At this minute I feel as if I have to act further in some way but I don't know who or where to turn. In myself I feel as if I'm ready to have a full blown breakdown. I've been to doc's, a councellor, read books and been prescribed anti-depressant to help stabalise my mood but I feel as if nothing has worked for me. I am also under alot of pressure at college, I've three huge assignments and two exams comming up in the next few weeks and I simply won't be able to cope with them, I'm in melt-down already.

Is there anybody out there thats been in a similar situation or see's a way out for me....
Sorry for the long post, thanks.

Kevster

I can relate somewhat to what you're saying and I know the ways to ease things a bit for you. Firstly, your poor mother's conscience has been beaten so far down that she can't remember what being happy is about. You, however, mist still know how to be happy. I suggest that you suggest going out for a walk with her one evening, if even for a few minutes. THis might get her to see - firstly - that there is a whole new world out there. From there, you and her should considering going to the cinema, a play, etc.; Why must your lives end because of the 'other' guy?

Regarding you specifically, I think that you should go to your local GP for advice. You migh be recommended to take an anti-depressant but - trust me - they can really help.

Kevin

we'llallhavetea_old

hi op,
i know you've said that you dont want to tell your friends but if you just told one it would help so much. this is a major secret you're carrying around all day everyday, wouldn't it be nice to let off some steam to a friend whenever you wanted? please consider it. you can't hold this in, as you said, you're having bursts of aggression, it would be such a relief to pour out your problems to a friend.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Kevster wrote: »

I can relate somewhat to what you're saying and I know the ways to ease things a bit for you. Firstly, your poor mother's conscience has been beaten so far down that she can't remember what being happy is about. You, however, mist still know how to be happy. I suggest that you suggest going out for a walk with her one evening, if even for a few minutes. THis might get her to see - firstly - that there is a whole new world out there. From there, you and her should considering going to the cinema, a play, etc.; Why must your lives end because of the 'other' guy?

Regarding you specifically, I think that you should go to your local GP for advice. You migh be recommended to take an anti-depressant but - trust me - they can really help.

Kevin

Be aware, very aware of anti depressants... I hate seeing people throw this around every single time somebody says they are depressed.

Anti depressants have seriously horrible side effects. It's fine for people to say "oh you have problems? Take these pills", but remember you are the one who has to deal with the mess afterwards if anything happens with these pills... Not a good idea, only as a very very last resort.

RossFixxxed

Zaid Unkempt Spider wrote: »

Be aware, very aware of anti depressants... I hate seeing people throw this around every single time somebody says they are depressed.

Anti depressants have seriously horrible side effects. It's fine for people to say "oh you have problems? Take these pills", but remember you are the one who has to deal with the mess afterwards if anything happens with these pills... Not a good idea, only as a very very last resort.

I understand what you are saying here, but both sides of this aren't really realistic. You need a professional evaluation and they can then decide the best mutual course of action. anything else is just speculation.

And that's where I think you should start OP, at the doctor's.

Taltos

Maybe step back a bit if you can from all this and consider some of the following.

1. Make out a simple list all the things you have to deliver in the coming weeks.
> you know rate them; put in when you need to start etc.
> when things get too much for me having a simple to-do list in front of me can help.

2. Consider taking some of your friends into your confidence - this will make them more aware of why you are having the mood swings.

3. Remove yourself from that situation...
> why do you continue to return home each weekend?
> where is your downtime? During the week you are flat out with college and mates; weekends you go back to this hell hole...
> Try the following
>> Stay in your digs etc this weekend and the next few at least - work on your assignments (this will help with your anxiety); go out for some walks or spend time with your friends.
>> Reduce how often you go home & how often you call home.
>> When you do call or start to witness that behaviour - as soon as it starts - leave or hang up - do NOT let yourself be dragged in again...

Going there every week or staying in touch is not allowing you to move on. Think about it - come Wed / Thur your mind is already getting ready for the onslaught of abuse... So take that abuse out of the equation....

When your folks ask when they will see you etc - just be honest - try to keep the emotion out of your voice - but let them know that their "toxic" relationship is hurting you and you for your own wellbeing are opting out. If they want to write to you or whatever they are free to do so but that until you feel save and (importantly) loved you cannot go there...

And once more - as soon as it kicks off in any form - on phonecalls etc - stop it - take control and walk away.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I would like to thank you all for your replies...

With regards to the anti-depressants idea, Well, I've already been there and I will be honest when I say I have stopped taking them in recent weeks, not on any medical advice, but on my own steam.

I have no option but to go home at the weekends, in some ways I feel as if I'm obliged to. Some one needs to support my mother, there is nobody else to! I have gone for numerous walks with her and tried to explain what I need her to do for both our sakes but she constantly refuses. These regular beatings are just normality to her, not quite for me...I do know I need to get away but my hands are tied!

I'm currently in college today...All I'm getting is assignments and grief from lecturers that I simply don't need. I have one late submission so far this week, I am trying to prioritise my tasks but by the time I get home in the evening it's impossible to get anything done. I am in college every morning bar thursday and friday from 8am to 7pm between the library and writing up labs. At this moment, I know I'm under pressure but I have to get the work done!
I am reluctant to seek further help on my own behalf, I am doing the best I can but in the same sense I know I am seriously struggling on a daily basis. During the week I keep very little contact with home. I don't ring at all, whenever my mum rings me thats it...and even at that I sometimes just hit the red button!

RossFixxxed

shaken05 wrote: »

Hi all,

I would like to thank you all for your replies...

With regards to the anti-depressants idea, Well, I've already been there and I will be honest when I say I have stopped taking them in recent weeks, not on any medical advice, but on my own steam.

WOAH no no no no no no. Coming off a medication that affects your brain chemistry without a doctor is frankly VERY FOOLISH. (I would like to put that a LOT stronger but I'll get in trouble).

GO TO YOUR DOCTOR MATE. I've seen a few people do this and it has been an absolute DISASTER half the time. Please go to the doc, for the sake of 50 quid it would be well worth it.

You are on a comedown, and depending on how long you were on them and the dosage it's no wonder you feel like crap.

dan_d

OP can I also suggest you speak to your friends.
What's the worst that can happen?
You don't have to tell them every single sordid detail. Give them an idea of what you come from, and maybe that you are on anti-depressants. Honestly, for starters it will share the burden (a problem halved and all that) and it will explain to them why you are the way you are sometimes. If i had a friend that suddenly started behaving like that for no apparent reason - honestly, yes I'd get annoyed and want to pull away. If they then told me they came from a very troubled house, that growing up had been horrible and that their mother was still being abuse - I'd understand and cut them some slack. And more importantly help as much as I could.I've a friend who found at 17 she was bi-polar and has been on medication ever since (25 now). Everyone knows. She openly talks about it and it's no problem for anyone. It's not nosiness - people will look after you more if they think you're in a lot of trouble. Give your friends a chance and tell them.
Also go to the doc about the medication. Don't come off anti-depressants without consulting a doctor.Big mistake.

LegacyUser

I have considered talking to my friends, but at this minute it simply isn't an option. They have there own issues and they really don't need me to burden them anymore.
I know ye all have strong opinions on going off the meds, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time and in some strange way it still feels the same. I was on them quite a few months and I never felt any difference, if I had I would have stayed on them! I will also be honest and say that I feared that my doc thought that I had just lost the plot and put me on further meds which I didn't want under any circumstances.
I know deep down that I am stressed out and in pain and that I need to find a constructive way to sort this out without turning to prescription meds. I do self-medicate with OTC based drugs, I won't lie...But I don't want to be on something that I can't get off and I'm stuck on them for the rest of my life...probably sounds like a contradiction but thats the way I feel.

Taltos

shaken05 wrote: »

I have no option but to go home at the weekends, in some ways I feel as if I'm obliged to. Some one needs to support my mother, there is nobody else to! I have gone for numerous walks with her and tried to explain what I need her to do for both our sakes but she constantly refuses. These regular beatings are just normality to her, not quite for me...I do know I need to get away but my hands are tied!

The 2 above have covered most of what I wanted to say so will focus on this.

shaken05 wrote: »

I have no option but to go home at the weekends, in some ways I feel as if I'm obliged to.

How do you expect to change things unless you take responsibility for YOUR life... Not your mums not your dads, not that neighbour down the road.
Re-read your post - as long as you continue to fool yourself with this outlook NOTHING will change...

Take the advice above BUT take responsibility for yourself. Sort yourself out and only then will you be in a position to support yourself.
I do not want to come across as harsh here - but right now your weekend visits are probably a breath of fresh air for your mum and are one of the things that keeps her going - but.... this might also be enabling your da to keep battering her - she accepts it knowing nothing will change and knowing you will be there for her. Take out this support - even for a few weeks and when she sinks down she might just see that she has an option.
Please note my language is all about your mum - ONLY she can do anything to improve her lot - NOT you.

So - Fix yourself first...

RossFixxxed

1) It's your life you have to take responsibility for what YOU do.
2) If you felt this crappy ON the meds then you STILL should go (should have gone tbh) to the GP.
3) "Self medicating" is an expression that lets you LIE to yourself. Sorry, I know what it means etc etc but really you are just buzzing off OTC drugs which is GOING TO MAKE YOU WORSE. And it's really really dangerous, there is all kinds of interaction risks, as well as build of of medications. I know he was on much stonger stuff, but look at Heath Ledger, just a build up of legal drugs slowly slowly slowly. And getting hooked on cough medicine, solpadine etc is a really really slippery slope.


Basically man go for help. You KNOW it's not right and you KNOW you have to so something, that why you came here. Go to a doctor or some trained professional. You need to fix your life, I can only stand here and point ONE way to go....

LegacyUser

You all have a fair point, the reason I came here in the first place was because I know I need help and I need to find a sense of direction.
I know the down-sides in self medicating, I worked as an OTC assistant for a couple years, so I am well aware of the interactions and the effect it can have on a person's health.
What has been going n is that I've tried any way possible to avoid this situation and I know it can't go on much further, I can't go much further!
It has come to a stage where all I want to do is cry, but I am physically unable to do so, which is getting me down even further.
Ok so I've to come first for a bit...I can avoid home for a few weekends, that bit isn't a problem tbh. I am well aware that nothing can be done unless she opens up and admits it. I have tried the gardai route before and that wasn't a sucess, she was and still is in denial!
I focus on going back to the GP and getting college work sorted. I seriously feel if could cry like a normal person, that alone might help in some small way. Weird I know!
My life has to go on, whether he continues to act the way he does or not. An d one day my mum will hopefully face this, what else should I do?