Cant take it anymore

LegacyUser

Hi this is the guy from the PUA thread a month or two back.

Still single as usual and I cant handle it anymore. I feel like a complete social retard for not being able to something apparently others have no problem with. I cant take it anymore. Seing all my friends and their girlfriends being all lovey dovey. Watching as girls I like end up going out with friends. For once Id love that to be me but I just never happens. I got stupid, thought I was actually making progress with a girl I liked only to see her the next day in the arms of my friend. I wish I knew what he did to get her (the lucky guy, I only saw him talking with her once and only for 5 minutes). Now I have to put up with them being together around me all the time, driving me crazy.

With enough effort your supposed to get what you want and thats been true with other things but for the last 10 years no matter how hard I try im left alone. I just want to experience whats it's like, is that so f*ckin much. So I dont end up as one of those old bachelors who never got to experience what it was like. No matter how good everything else is, this is all I want and have wanted for the last few years now and its frustrating not being able to experience it.

Id trade all the money in the world for that. I cant go on waiting but I dont know what im doing wrong. No more of this ****. Ive had enough and im fed up. And yes im not normally this whiny/needy but this is how I feel inside. I just want to scream.

Fiend-Foe

You have to stop think of girls as "something you want" they are not commodities.

You have to be able to give them what they want too. Its give and take.

But seriously, I think you're trying way too hard. Girls will notice that and it smacks of desperation, which isn't attractive. "With enough effort your supposed to get what you want" - You won't get what you want that way, you'll be coming across really intense.

Getting a girl isn't going to be the answer to all your problems, it won't necessarily make you happy.

I think you need to learn to be happy as you are first. Stop trying so hard and looking for something with every girl you see, these things happen when you least expect it.

Elessar

Would you consider an escort? Might help get it all out of your system, and then you'll be wondering what all the fuss was about in the first place.

Handsome Bob

I would suggest that you stop thinking about it so much OP, seriously man I know what it's like to be in your shoes. You're driving yourself around the bend wondering when it's going to happen for you so I'd suggest that you drop the mentality of "I need a girlfriend". Once you take that pressure off of yourself you'll find it much easier to talk to girls.

scanlas

Have a look at this book, it's down to earth with a minimum amount of PUA lingo you probably don't want to hear. It has great examples of reframing things in your mind to help you approach and enjoy yourself. Make your own mind up, it's free. Let me know what you think.

http://www.sinnsofattraction.com/gad2/

muboop1

You know thats your problem do right?

That you want one so bad?

Girls tend to pick up on this.

No matter how cool you think you are acting, they know when you want them or not.

Heres a summary of what a few girls have told me:

If you do want them they seem to think meh.

If you don't they are either interested or insulted.

If you are open to the idea but not overly caring. Bingo. You are wanted.

Because you can show an interest in them and dismiss them the next second. This drives them mad apparently?

I dunno dude, girls are the eternal pain's in ass. Never there when you want and when you don't they are all there.

You are to hyped up on this.

I honestly don't think you should have a gf from what you have told us...
Reason?? You aren't ready for one!
You seem to have some deeper issues that need to be dealt with first.

You need to be happy with yourself and with being single before you enter into a relationship is my belief. That way the relationship isn't a crutch for something else in general.

Fiend-Foe

+1 Above

And for the record that PUA stuff is the biggest load of crap. I almost find it hard to believe that there are actually losers sad enough to buy into that bull treating it like they have some secret weapon. Its all so sad and desperate and pathetic, stay away from it if you want any success with women. They aren't stupid and can smell that sleazeball sh1te a mile away.

LegacyUser

+1 and even if it does work, you know deep down that the girl is not really going for you, just some facade you are assuming in order to bone them, and that's kind of pathetic.

Was watching a documentary about guys who have this very problem who aquire 'real dolls' SNIP] slightly unsettling, but interesting nonetheless

RossFixxxed

Dude you seem very very unhappy. This seems (to me) to be going beyond missing having a gf. Do you really thing all the emptiness, unhappiness etc will just melt away when you meet a woman? Are you sure a girl will make you calm and fulfilled? (Cos women are simple, mild creatures lol)

I really think you should sort YOU out first and then these things will come. Relationships can be very stressful, complicated affairs and if you are not happy and confident how can a relationship be that?

If you smack of desperation and are miserable and spouting out PUA stuff... it's not going to look good. But if you are out having fun, smiling and feeling good... people are drawn to that more than most other things! You'd be amazed how powerful a genuine smile and a laugh can be. You have to have fun and confidence in yourself first dude.

I've done it the other way and it made things 100000000 times worse for everyone.

Wibbs

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I really think you should sort YOU out first and then these things will come. Relationships can be very stressful, complicated affairs and if you are not happy and confident how can a relationship be that?

+10000 Get help for yourself. See a counselor to help you in that quest. Think of it as a project, the most important one in your life. Do that and women and relationships will follow pretty easily.

As for the PUA stuff. Ignore it. It has a kernel of truth wrapped up in a "system" specifically and cynically designed to get men like you to open up their wallets. It's very clever how it does so too. Avoid.

sunnyside

ImDone2 wrote: »

For once Id love that to be me but I just never happens. I got stupid, thought I was actually making progress with a girl I liked only to see her the next day in the arms of my friend. I wish I knew what he did to get her (the lucky guy, I only saw him talking with her once and only for 5 minutes). Now I have to put up with them being together around me all the time, driving me crazy.

.

When people get together very quickly like this it's probably because they have that elusive spark people are always talking about.

Sounds like you are trying too hard. Often it's when people stop trying, give up on something that it happens for them.

LegacyUser

Do you have any problems socialising generally?

What have you done so far to improve your confidence and state of mind?

You say you believe that you are supposed to get what you want if you put in enough effort? Where did you get that belief from, that could be just one of the many beliefs causing you frustration. If you put your effort in the wrong places and not in a clever way it won't help you.

How many women have you approached since the last time you got advice on boards?

When you do approach do you go in with an attitude of I have to pull this girl? That attitude won't help you.

Approach with the attitude that you primarily want to have fun and get experience under your belt, be indifferent to the outcome. Take the chance and try to pull the girl, even if it's not going well, it will develop your intuition.

How many times have you been outright rejected?

Push an interaction as far as it will go, don't just walk off when an awkward silence comes along, either pull the girl or get rejected outright. You will develop rock solid confidence when you realise rejection doesn't kill you.


Take risks, fear plus doing it anyway it equals confidence.

Vary your approaches, approach girls on their own, with friends, with guys, in bars, shopping centres etc.

If you get nervous take slow deep breaths, focus on things in the envoronment and not the thoughts going on in your head.

Remember asking questions is like taking money out of the bank account only you don't know what your balance is, so limit them and make more statements, express yourself and don't worry what anyone thinks.

Remember everything you do is good enough, accept yourself as you are. That's where true confidence comes from. You change aspects of your life for your benfit and life enjoyment and for no one else.

LegacyUser

Fiend-Foe wrote: »

You have to stop think of girls as "something you want" they are not commodities.

I'm in a similar posistion to OP, and I would never think of a girl as a commodity.
But of course being in a relationship is something I want and I see no problem thinking that, it is ony natural to want to love someone and be loved, maybe going a bit far with love but you know what I mean.

'Do you really thing all the emptiness, unhappiness etc will just melt away when you meet a woman?'
Honestly, I would think a hell of a lot of it, yeah. Maybe to someone who has experienced ralationships it means nothing, but for someone like me who at 25 has never had a gf it is a big issue.
There is a massive gap in my life which can't be filled by anything else. It doesn't matter how happy I am with the rest of my life, the fact that i don't and have never had a relationship takes away from the rest.

RossFixxxed

Likewise wrote: »

'Do you really thing all the emptiness, unhappiness etc will just melt away when you meet a woman?'
Honestly, I would think a hell of a lot of it, yeah. Maybe to someone who has experienced ralationships it means nothing, but for someone like me who at 25 has never had a gf it is a big issue.
There is a massive gap in my life which can't be filled by anything else. It doesn't matter how happy I am with the rest of my life, the fact that i don't and have never had a relationship takes away from the rest.

Ahhhhh yes and no here. It can be very rewarding, fulfilling etc and it can fill that 'gap' you've mentioned. However, from my and people I know's experience they usually find that gap is replaced by another, and another. Sometimes in the relationship, sometimes not.

It is NOT A CURE for many problems to be fair. It will be a big confidence boost, and it will be a 'oh thank god I've done that now', but then what.

It's like Chris Evans said. You get to the top, you have 120 million in the bank, you have so much and... from there you realise there's nothing. Just the same problems etc etc. Now I know we'd all like more money, sex, power, fame etc whatever it may be, but usually... (and I am LOATHE to quote this, but it is so true sometimes) When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed.

You need to build a life that is happy for YOU and then factor a girl into the equation. Seriously.

Join activities you WILL like and hopefully you'll meet like minded people. Doing things you don't like to meet women is not gonna work so well. Worst case scenario in the former case is you don't meet a woman but you are dong something you love, and tis always something to talk about!

santana75

Honestly man I dont think youre ready for a relationship. I know thats not what you want to hear and that youve been waiting whatever length of time. But I think if you were to hook up with a girl It'd be a disaster.
Someone said it already: You have to sort you out before you can even think of being with another person on an intimate level otherwise you'll get eaten alive, trampelled on, walked all over, used, abused etc.

Look, youre in that place were you want something but you dont have it. That means youre experiencing a loss. Nobody likes to experience loss but unfortunately its part of life, you have to accept it. You have to accept what you dont have. Its uncomfortable and it seems unfair but this is the brutal reality of life. But what happens when you accept your loss and accept what you dont have, the uncomfortable feelings lose thier intensity. You become more relaxed, it wont matter to you so much that youre single. Its a paradox: when you let go of what you want so much you'll actually end up getting that thing that you desire. The trick is to sit in that place that exists between wanting and recieving and being relaxed and ok.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here

Thanks for the advice but it's a bit hard to swallow. People are suggesting sort the rest of my life out. I don't really think the rest of my life needs sorting out though. The rest of it is pretty good, not perfect but it could be worse. It's not the rest of my life thats the problem, it's this. It's true if I ever did get a girlfriend I would probably look back at this, laugh and wonder what the big deal was but after years of wondering if I ever will get a girlfriend it's started to really get at me to the point of getting me down. I know people are saying take it easy and relax but the whole point is I cant because of this. Every day I go to college and see all the couples and my mates with their girlfriends. It's constantly there reminding me. I start wondering why it is that I cant do this and it tends to bring me down. The one thing I just can't do is sit around and wait. I think it's unrealistic to sit around and wait for something to just magically happen, it doesnt work that way with anything else in life. Im very much a believer of the saying "if you do what you always did youll get what you always got". But Im not sure what to do. The thought of being alone or settling for anyone is just depressing. If I felt like I actually stood a chance of being with the girl I liked it wouldnt be so bad. At least I would feel like I have a shot because I know what to do.

Socially I have no idea how I am (Id love to know though). I have friends and a busy social life (usually doing nerdy things with guys though so I rarely meet many girls) I wouldnt tend to talk to many and I wouldnt just fall for anyone and certainly wouldnt put up with anyone taking advantage of me. I do tend to find that it's the girls who enjoy the nerdy things that I fall for because it's such a rarity to find a girl who enjoys the geekier things and so I usually think of them as a rarity. I admit im not used to being around girls, I went to an all boys school and always hung out with guys so I really dont know what to do and become very shy around girls.

For the time being im still a bit infatuated with this one girl who has been going out with my mate for a few weeks and I do try avoid them when there together and get things out of my mind but it's not easy. Maybe if I felt like for once it would be me who is in the relationship instead of constantly being made feel down about it.

Fiend-Foe

I know its hard mate.

But what we mean by sort the rest of your life out is as simple as this.

You need to stop letting it get you down so much and letting your lack of girlfriend depress you because girls will be able to pick up on this and it will drive them away. A vicious circle I know. You need to be happy as you are.

The truth is girls will only be attracted to someone who is happy in theirself and easy going. Not someone who is depressed and intense.

Try talking to girls as friends, try to see them just as you would your guy friends. Put any thought of getting with them etc to the very back of your mind. You should be able to just have a laugh with them first. This should help you overcome your shyness and see that they are just people too. Try find somewhere you can interact doing the kind of activities you mentioned in your post.

When you do overcome your shyness and get some confidence to make a move, don't let rejection get to you. Don't go getting all depressed because you get knocked back a few times. Learn from it and go again.

It will happen for you, don't worry.