Self-worth: how do you get it?

LegacyUser

This will probably sound silly but I can't get past it and it's driving me nuts

I'm a fairly confident person, I've done pretty well, have a great job that I love, wonderful friends and family, a nice place to live, but things seem to go particularly pear-shaped for me in the relationship department and the most recent one has been especially destructive.

I've just recently come out of a relationship where my ex was quite manipulative - he was hugely controlling and a bully, and always managed to make me feel guilty for not standing by him even when he was treating me like dirt. He thought nothing of calling me names and shouting at me until he wore me down. We broke up a few weeks ago, but the contact has been fairly regular - unfortunately we see each other in the same place 3 or 4 times a week as we share the same past-time, and while there's a part of me that wants to give it up so that I don't see him anymore, it would mean giving up a huge part of my life. I can't do it anywhere else, I'm confined to doing it in this one venue and he won't budge either.

I want to walk away from him completely, I know I deserve better, but at the same time there's this horrible voice in my head that pulls me back to him all the time: maybe he'll change, maybe he'll realise what we could have had, he's only lashing out because he's hurt, maybe if I just be patient and love him enough it'll work out.

I know in my heart he won't change, but now I'm discovering that there's a big part of me that's bought into a lot of what he told me: I'm a difficult person, I'm hard to love, I'm not worth the hassle that being with me brings. I know these things aren't really true and yet... I believe them?

I grew up with a parent with an addiction so I know that co-dependency is something I'm susceptible to, but at the same time I don't know how to change this pattern that I'm stuck in.

I want a kick up the ass, I want someone to shake me and call me a fool for even entertaining thoughts of getting back together with this man, I want to know how to convince myself that I am worth more than this.

I'm sorry if this sounds very whiny and moany, I'm just reaching breaking point and I need to end this toxic communication. I'm beginning to lose myself to it and believe that I'm not worthy of happiness.

AARRRGH

See a psychotherapist. He will help you figure out where your issues are coming from.

kittenkiller

I'm sorry to hear how nasty things have been for you lately OP.

You need to start treating yourself like your best friend.
Take a step back if you feel you're being manipulated or doing something you don't particularly feel comfortable with.
Try to see it as a friend in that situation, what advice would you give them?
Follow that advice.

Take it on as a project for a month and hopefully it'll end up sticking as a habit.
You'll find the strength.

Do what you can to avoid your ex, but when you do see him, be strong and don't hang around.
Keep any conversations short and walk away.

Best of luck.

MistressPandora

I went through something similar a few years ago...I recommend being nice to yourself. Treat yourself for making the right decision for breaking up with him.
Trust me, it's difficult to change a person like that, especially if they're not willing to change. I say move on from him, and I realise you have to see him in that venue so I'd recommend being very casual and not giving him much info about how you're doing or even what you're doing.

I'm not sure if you do suffer from depression but it sounds like you're feeling really down about this so like I said, treat yourself, put it down to experience, move on and always remember why you broke up in the first place. Boyfriends are meant to be supportive, not demeaning.

I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh but having learnt the lesson myself, I hope that this advice helps

LegacyUser

AARRRGH - I did go to see a psychotherapist before and during the break-up. It helped somewhat to begin with, but I just found I was talking in circles and nothing was getting resolved.

kittenkiller, thank you I know that if I was my friend I'd be telling me to high-tail it out of there as quickly as possible, to be strong and keep contact as short and sweet as possible just as you said. And I do try to do that, I really do, but he has a knack of being able to say just the right (or wrong!) thing that gets under my skin and makes me come back to try and fix things.

MistressPandora it's not harsh at all The whole being nice to myself thing is something I've tried to do too, but I'm not very good at it. I'm not entirely convinced I'm worth it. I'm a fixer, making other people feel better is how I make myself feel better. I put my own needs behind other people's, and 90% of the time that's ok, there's no harm in it, but doing that in this relationship has left me completely spent. And worse, because I couldn't fix it, I feel useless now.

My Dad caused the break-up of my parents' marriage when I was younger. My Mum was left to bring the kids up and he went off and got clean and sober. Now he's happily re-married and he's a wonderful man and my Mum is on her own. While I know that my Mum had no choice but to leave him, there's also a part of me that sees that he did change, and what would have happened if she'd stuck around? Would we all be happy together now?

I did suffer from depression a few years ago, and it came about after the breakdown of a relationship. I've tried so hard to make a clean break and move on, but my ex keeps promising change and when it doesn't happen I have to walk away. Then he tells me that it's my fault we haven't worked out because I didn't support him and stick by him. It's so ridiculous and I know logically it's not my fault, but it's tapping into my subconscious fears and I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand and I can't move. I hate the person I become when I'm around him, I don't like me very much at all anymore. I couldn't make this work and now I can't even fix myself!

kittenkiller

Hi OP,

I think that change can be very temperamental thing.
Perhaps if you mum hadn't left your dad he'd still be drinking away and making all your lives miserable.
It's an awful situation for your mum, I'd be so resentful if I was her.

If your ex caused you so much pain and misery, it might be best to leave him be so that maybe the shock of you leaving him will allow him to change.
But if the pair of you were to slip back into a relationship, then the change would only be temporary because old habits die hard and it'd way to easy to slip back for him.

You deserve better than that and to live a life where you have fun and enjoy yourself, not where you're wondering about him when you should be off doing something you enjoy (even if it's just a carefree girly gossip or the soap marathon for hours on a Monday).
Leave the distraction of a past relationship behind you. It justs wastes your energy.
Walk on when you see him.
Smile whenever you can.

Best of luck.

MistressPandora

Easiest way to cheer yourself up is to treat yourself to something in Lush

I know what you mean about always being there for other people but you are worth being nice to and sometimes you just gotta do what's good for you. I had a similar mindset about not being convinced that I was worth being nice to myself but a nervous breakdown from a mentally abusive relationship made me change my life (it made me quite sick and caused urticaria, which I still have to this day).

Now I'm a mentally stronger person who's learnt how to stand up for herself and I've never been so creative in all of my life as I am these days.


If you ever need to rant, you can send me a PM

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Firstly i would say that you never ever put yourself down, your whole internal language needs to change, you said a few times that you want to be told to off, this will not work, what you need is some support, resources, space and compassion to heal your inner pain and wounds, i found psychotherapy was the best for this because she gave me a space just for me to feel my emotions in a safe place, you have to give therapy a chance and a few years is probably the norm especially if you have a life time of issues to work through, e.g being the child of an alcoholic, you attracted this man into your life because it is what you know, strangely enough we feel safe in what we know even if it is abusive??? I know its corny but learning to love yourself and have compassion for yourself is the way to self worth,

I was completely broken a few years ago i was bullied and abused by my parents all my life, when i went out into the world i was so fragile and vulnerable, I had no family or support and i was suicidal, i was so grateful the therapy was there because it really saved me, but you do have to be committed to yourself to work on yourself.


I would really recommend Louise L hay's book "you can heal your life" she shows you how to use positive affirmations as a way of building up your self-esteem, its to change the internal dialogue to a more positive one, just start to notice how you are talking to yourself, do you say aw you feckin ejiit all the time or do you say, not to worry you'l do better next time. By using the book you can learn other ways to speak to yourself, apparently a lot of people just cringe at the fact they have to say "i love you" to themselves in the mirror, this is a good measure of where your self esteem is at.

My life changed when i worked through all my baggage and pain, as you love yourself more so do others around you, as you are a better friend to yourself better friends appear,

It is also important to go at your own pace, dont feel overwhelmed that your in this mess with your partner, just start to bring in the will to want to change and it is enough, plant seeds and they will grow, but i would really recommend getting a good psychotherapist someone recommended. Nothing will build your self worth more and they use methods to get you to do this for yourself.

Best of luck OP, keep the faith and dont give up on yourself! xxx