9 yr relationship - advice please I am scared

Dari

Hi all,

Would appreciate some advice. I am in a relationship for the last 9yrs from early 20's to early 30's wev never lived together and both now live with parents - a long story but mine are elderly and recovering from ill health.

Our relationship has been a long distance one for the last 5 or so wev never lived closer than an hours frive apart. Wev got on with seperate lives so to speak, ive returned to college a number of times while he has worked through out our relationship I've alwaos been independent in every way.

The? is it has now come to the stage where I feel we either live together or split I can continue with this no longer I want to settle - but I know he would be happy to continue as is - he is building 'our' house and says it wont be ready for 2-3 yrs by that time the prospects of having a family may be difficult for me. My family and friends know its going on a long time what age I am ect and the pressure is building - I feel stuck of course I would like us to have a life together but its going on so long now and I have my life established in one part of the country and he is in the other. I am frightened of starting all over again to be honest but I do love him we speak every day numerous times on the phone however I feel e has difficulty with this issue as do I ...... we are in no mans land I feel....

We were at counselling last year as I felt we needed it as we were unable to move on he came reluctantly to 60% of the sessions and I felt it was good at the time but i am back to square one I feel..... he told me 18months ago to organise our wedding which i did foolishly and when it came to choosing the different things after I had done the research he avoided avoided and I lost heart.

I am at the end of my teather now, I dont know what to do... I have told him a couple of times that since we are unalble to move on we maybe better off to slpit.......but he gets upset as do I .... the I love yous start and wer ok again for another 6 months.....Any help out there would be appreciated..

I hold my hand up and say I am not the most emmotionally mature person..... but I need help I am scared.....

Oh The Humanity

You are being too passive with your life. While he is making plans at a snails pace real life is piddling away through your fingers.
9 years and ye haven't even lived together? Thats a massive leap of faith to be taking asking you to wait another 3 ?

He is obviously in cloud Cuckoo land. I'm all for not putting pressure on a partner but he is not really listening to you/hearing you here. It's your job to make really clear how much time has already been wasted and clearly state you are not throwing more good time after bad here or you need to cut your losses and move on.

9 years with another possible 3 year wait? Im sorry that is ridiculous (unless both parties are happy with it which is clearly not the case)

You sound like you are just letting life 'happen' to you. You have got to wake up out of your stupor and take control here. If this bloke will not listen to you then you need to stop throwing good time after bad here.

You need to start learning how to make decisions and impement them in a realistic time frame. You indicated that you've returned to college a number of times. Its like as if your life is in a constant state of planning for a future that never comes.

The future is HERE NOW. This is it, all you have is today. You've got to pack it full. Live it now, there might not be a tomorrow, stop wasting time.

K_P

Didn't this sort of thing happen quite a bit years ago in Ireland - decades long engagements, going out for years but never moving out of the parent's house, that sort of thing?

It sounds like he's far too comfortable in the pattern you've established. Obviously up until now this suited you too. I'm sorry to be blunt about this, but if you REALLY love someone, don't you WANT to be with them? To live with them? Share your life with them in every way that you can? If neither of you have been bothered about that up until now, does that not ring alarm bells? Do you both truly love each other in the way people who will spend the rest of their lives together should love each other? Or is it habit? Fear of starting over?

OP, after 9 years the very least you have the right to expect is a solid future, not something that's consistently put off. So he told you to start organising your wedding. Was that some sort of a proposal? And he's building a house for ye? I'm sure that'll go the same way as the wedding and be put off indefinitely.

It's scary to start over after 9 years together, but people do it all the time in more difficult circumstances. I mean, you don't live together, there's no children, no joint property, no joint lives. It's hard to see how not being with him will differ so much from being with him.

Dari

Thanks I needed to hear that. To the larger world I am defo not a shrinking violet - but you are correct in this case I am.
In the last 18mnths I've noticed a difference in him in that its me doing all the talking, holidays are a no no .....he is a workaholic 12hr days are no problem to him holidays are a waste of time.....as are nights out ect unless they are with his pals....... of which he has few enough....
In the past yr-18mnths he has started going to work doo's (twice a yr) and has been telling me of attention he get from the female staff .......comments like he 'he's fit'.......he even told me he had the same one 'rubbing his leg'.....on a different occassion......Maybe Im stupid but I took no notice really I didnt like it but I trust him - my friends were amazed he told me...
If I were to look at it as an observer I would say he seems to be needing/reveling in female attention more recently......but he is tellilng me about it...... My male cousin who knows him recons he has just become aware of his attractiveness which is funny as a female friend commented on this to me ...... after which he suddenly began to salute her which he never did before.......
By explanation - this fella is a non drinker a messer but quite i would think ( I might be biast)
Do I tell him about all the times fella look at me etc sometimes but not all

I am just thinking of all this stuff now it may be insecurity I dont know - at this stage I can take it or leave it, I would like us to have a life together but if these are the signs of trouble, LADS help me ...... I need to know
I always thought our relationship pretty special no major fights we just sail along .......but now I have to stop sailing and get into port, should I dock with this man............. Any opinions????????

Dari

K P

Thanks for your reply, I hear what you are saying, I have been in a cocooned ... I have had to deal with huge issues in that 9 years I have dealt with them now and hence I am dealing with this now.

I am disgusted with myself to an extent because it has run on and I have let someone else take charge of this part of my life....

I am old fashioned in my relationship I know that but I have to wake up now and sort it out.......

Beruthiel

Dari wrote: »

Any opinions????????

Ok, I know it takes all sorts, that no two relationships are the same, that there are different types of relationships, but seriously like, 9 years and never lived together?!?!?!?????

You must have the patience of a saint.
I would have started asking questions by year two, by year three or four we would be either living together or I would have moved on.
I also believe that you cannot truly know anyone until you have spent six months with them under the same roof.

Time for you to decide exactly what you want and tell him.
And I mean tell him, not ask or suggest....

K_P

I wouldn't go telling him about the times you get attention necessarily. It's not really the main issue. Maybe the next time he starts boasting you could tell him he's not the only one getting attention to see if it shuts him up. But as I said, ye have bigger problems than a bit of egotism on his part.

You need to have a SERIOUS talk. Lay it on the line for him that you either move your relationship forward and start to make a life together NOW. Or that's the end of it. So he's building a house for ye? Great! What's to stop ye living together for the 2-3 years it's being built? Absolutely nothing.

If he starts getting upset or sweet talking you, please try to see through it. It's pure emotional manipulation on his part so that he can carry on living his life the way he wants and stringing you along for the ride. If he was genuinely upset at the thought of you splitting he'd make some effort to address the issues that made you threaten leaving him in the first place. Again, I'm possibly being a bit harsh here. I dont mean to make it sound as though he's deliberately being manipulative or whatever. But he's clearly complacent and has gotten lazy in the relationship. Time for him to wake up.

Oh The Humanity

Dari wrote: »

K P

Thanks for your reply, I hear what you are saying, I have been in a cocooned ... I have had to deal with huge issues in that 9 years I have dealt with them now and hence I am dealing with this now.

I am disgusted with myself to an extent because it has run on and I have let someone else take charge of this part of my life....

I am old fashioned in my relationship I know that but I have to wake up now and sort it out.......

Yep, life truly goes by in the blink of an eye.

Don't fiddle while Rome burns. Kick him up the hoop and tell him its now or never. Quit daydreaming and start doing.

He is in a reverie of vanity because some girls from work gave him the glad eye :rolleyes: Christ its so teenage. He is behind, underdeveloped, childish or childlike, these are your good years he is spending. Come on wake up.

D rog

Suggest to him that you move in together immediately. After 9 years I don't think that's unreasonable.

You shouldn't have to wait another few years to find out if ye can live together successfully, by which time you're expected to move into his home.
It seems quite one sided to expect so much of you.

Compromise now- move into flat/ house/ large mobile on the site. Whatever you can afford and will work for you.

Dari

Hey guys, thanks for all the info!

And of course you are all right, but there are still a few fossils like me out there.

The scariest thing for me is that I didnt grow up in the happiest of home 'love' or 'communication' was not very evident and whatever about love there was absolutley no 'communication' and from what I have seen of his family its similar on the communications front.

I moved back to home out of some kind of duty and he is still at home because I suppose its handy and all the bad habits are stilll there hence our relationship is 'stuck in gear'.

We can talk forever eventhough it takes me a while to get to the point but what I want to say will come out after a bit, so I am sure we can discuss this and move on ...........and happy days ahead!!

Thank you one and all

Dari

MizzLolly

I really hope it works out for you Dari. You've put a lot of time and energy into it. Keep us all posted.

Good luck

laura l

i think you are right Dari and feeling that you want the relationship to move on and get somewhere after 9 years is completely normal and understandable (don't let him tell you otherwise, that you are being impatient etc.)

i do think he thinks you are "the one" considering he is building a home for the both of you. However, he seems to be getting a bit smug about other girls passing nice comments about him, (thinking he's keeping his options open, perhaps?) and therefore he seems to be holding control of the relationship.

take control back and assert yourself. Ask him what the story is between you two, if it's non-commital at this stage i think you need to invest your time and energy elsewhere. Maybe it'll be a wake up call if you're not so "attainable"?
you seem good for him, but he needs to be good for you too. don't accept second best. hope it works out ok.

Dari

Hi Guys,

I felt I should update after all of you taking the time to reply. This is the story now we spoke on Tuesday I had a bit of a melt down I had to ring and spill it all out.......so I did.....to be met with.........You wanted a house, I am building our house............I would move to you but I have committed financially to this development so I have to stick with it for now you knew at the time you encouraged the plans to build etc (which I did).

He also said at a big push the house can be ready in under a year in the mean time we can rent so that we can be together for that time(even though money will be very tight - Im used to this but its a massive big deal for him). Now he is a workaholic there is no doubt about but I think this time together before we get marrage etc is imperative - It means a lot of change for me but Im sure I'll adjust - Ive done it before a bouple of times but this is a much bigger move.

I suppose I have to stop thinking about it and just do it.......

Life is strange but in the last few days an old sore a family member has been found out - he has been living a double life (two partners) - we are quite close I knew this of him before btu thought it had stopped (or I chose not tho think about it, but I always knew where he was when he disappearred or the phone kept ringing and hed go off to take calls) - its really unbelieveable because quite a few v good people will be hurt. This defo has an affect on my sense of security Ive lived with this in my proximity all my life - lies, deceit etc (from what would otherwise seem like a caring, shivolrous man) - like you would not believe. Its funny that it all came up this week because I can see the affect it has on me and my radar is always looking out for it I think its built in - none the less I have to get on with my own scenario - the ego tripping (eventhough on a mild scale) worried me because obviously of what I have been exposed to..... but stuff happens and we move on.


Thanks all

D rog

That's great news Dari. Build on the momentum now and get moved in.
You both need to get used to each other before you live together for life and this will give you that. Tensions will be high while you're building so just be aware that there may be a few meltdowns in the first weeks But good luck!

Dari

Hi Guys,

Big talks this wkend hope to spend it together not working which is a special effort for us. I had hoped my bf would take monday off as he said but today (last min) he says thats not going to happen........

A couple of weeks ago we bought a ring but he wanted to hold it for a few wks for our anniversary I told my family ( I couldnt hold it in and he knew that) this wknd was supposed to be an announcement but I have been doing all this thinking and now Im thinking live togther try things out and see then.................... he is in agreement (eventhough a bit peeved about the announcement being postponed... henced he cancelled Day off Monday - I thought we would have needed this time together regardless)

But I should say I heard him tell my sis .....he thought we were just window shopping the day he bought the ring and before he knew it, we had it bought........I was very hurt at this when I asked about it he said what he said was but what he meant was, he didnt think it would be bought that quick...................When in fact, the truth is I knew what I wanted we came across it and bought it it was inexpensive, a bargain in fact.

I feel as if I dont know what im at, and I know this is childish.............his head must be wrecked with me..................Am I just a big chicken and dont know what I want......................

I realise there isnt much spontaneoud about this.......

Imagine we have come this far and we are so imature

Thanks

D

Opinions welcome

Oh The Humanity

You can still announce you are engaged and live together. If it doesn't work out then just cancel the engagement.
Things have moved at a snails pace for too long. Just dive in and stop hesitating.

Do you know what you want?

I don't really understand the bit about him telling your sister it was window shopping when it was planned ....maybe he wanted it to seem more spontaneous or something or maybe it was his perception of events after all you said it was you who was clear on what you wanted but did he know/relaise that? I mean men are pretty vague when it comes to shopping in general....Im not really clear on that bit!?

Dari

No he was intimating that he was coaxed into it, because he was saying that he thought the buying process would take awhile.

Maybe I am hesitating, but I have to say it does not feel good, I have that awfull anxious feeling in my tummy and a big red face all day.

I hope it will be better once we are talking face to face.............

Dari

Do I know what I want?

Well I always thought I did for us to be together.

But I find myself now feeling really insecure in the relationship and bothered by these ones that work with him that he has different stories about everyday. I know he is giving them time like he would never have before but the dynamic of the staff where he works changed a yr or so ago and the % of females has increased they are becoming much better friends to the point that they are talking about staff members who are trying for babies, flings between staff members...........I dont know these people so I am uneasy about the friendships. He also minds his mobile phone like it was his right arm.....if I pick it up he would chase me around the room for it meanwhile he goes through mine at his leisure ..... it wouldnt bother me.

Then I am thinking of all the let downs.........I m putting all this together and it leads to paranoia.............then Im thinking maybe its instinct not paranoia.........

I just dont know, but my head is in a spin.

D

Peggypeg

Hey Dari, some of the things you are saying have my hairs standing on end. Does it feel like he wants this or he's going along with it coz you'll leave if he doesn't get a move on? The thing with saying the engagement ring was windowshopping also has my hair on end, it sounds like he's trying to make out that you're dragging him towards marraige. As for the mobile thing, he can look at yours but not you at his? Again, I'm getting the creeps here.

I had a colleague once that kinda reminds me of this. When I started working there she told how she was engaged and it was going to be a great big family wedding and so on and so forth. I was working with her for about 6 years so the story played out over ages but to sum it up:

Wouldn't start planning the wedding
Didn't like her plans for the wedding
Eventually eloped with her, she said she was grand with but we all knew she wanted a trad. big wedding.
Not coming home - working
Blatently having an affair
Not talking to her for weeks at a time
etc

Eventually they split up and while I know her heart was broken I've never been happier for someone in my life, the man was an absolutely selfish being, she wasted years on him.

Now I'm not saying you man is anything like this but there are eery similarities. Does your man actually love you? Does he show you consideration, respect, kindness, compassion? How he treats you now is how he will continue to treat you when you're married. Some people think that when you get married everything will somehow be better, this isn't true, the only thing that changes is that is that it much more messy and expensive to walk away.

I'm not trying to hurt and confuse you or anything like that but I would suggest you really really think this over. Also if he is a workaholic this is unlikely to change either, you may end up alone alot.

Dari I'm just wondering if you wouldn't be better off to finish with this man and maybe move out of home, put some time into yourself, build up your confidence and independence?

Dari I really am sorry if any of the above hurt you but I'm just trying to be honest.

Whatever you decide I wish you every happiness.

Oh The Humanity

Well listen. I am more cynical than the average Bear so take this with a pinch of salt but I wouldn't be easy about his behaviour either.

Him intimating he was coaxed into it is throwing Bouquets at himself. Some people like to tell tiny fibs to cast themselves in a slightly different light, maybe to attempt to re-write reality in a slightly more complementary way to themselves.

He wants to feel pursued and he imagines himself to be a sligtly more sexy/edgy/interesting and irresistable version of himself. Re-telling the ring buying story is his way of painting himself into this fantasy landscape.

Is all this important? Well, yes I think it is. Why? Well previous to this change in his office he was a naive everyman plodding along with no self awareness. But now due to this office having become more like the average office (gossip/flirting/intrigue/affairs) he wan't to see himself as an altogether more sophisticated person.

The problem is, he is not sophisticated. He is in a little narccisstic reverie over a few compliments. He is hiding his phone in the most gauche and hypocritical way while still perusing yours!!!! (Outrageous by the way, get a backbone and read him the riot act for that) I doubt he has the required sneakiness to be actually having an affair but I would think he is fantasising about it or privvy to someone elses affair etc etc

He failed to take Monday off even though it was agreed, maybe because he needs to get into the office to get his fix.

So in short, his head has been turned.

You have got to stop being so passive and start not just asking questions but getting answers.

So the main problem after all is not just the inertia of the relationship but your mistrust of him. I personally think you are right to mistrust him but I am not a trusting person so seek other opinions too.

If you really want this man, steam in and get busy about your business. Claim your figurative territory (mutual time, arrangements) correct stories (self aggrandaising propeganda) he tells wrongly at your expense but that make him look good. Take control, take no sh1t.

BUT, if you are hestitating because you are starting to realise you dont really want this man. Its just that you don't know what else TO want......well then.....this could be the start of a very interesting escape from this slow road to nowhere....

Dari

This I suppose is all that I am afraid of in a nutshell.

But to be fair, he is building the life I said I wanted back the years materially but the emotiional side is obviously lacking and has been neglected.

The mobile phone thing bothered me too big time, but anytime I did get hold of it (on the sly) there was nothing on it the odd dirty text from the boys - he would not like me to see these as he knows it upsets me.

I have huge issues myself with trust I have always had however in our relationship I have allways kept it at bay (until now) - he has always come true for me.

But I must admit his father gives his mother the life your friend had Peggy without the cheatting, also a workaholic farmer.

If you asked him he say.............I over react, Im hard to please, worry unnecessarily............ his love for me is unquestionable and once we are together everything will be fine.

What to do?

Peggypeg

What to do?

Think, think hard, about what you want. At the moment that's all you can do. The biggest danger is realising you want out but thinking "i've no one else, i've spent 9 years on this etc etc", don't do that, you deserve a good man who'll love you the way you deserve. Here some questions to ask yourself;

Does he show he loves me?
Do we have fun together?
Does he treat me with respect?
Am I happy when I know I'm going to see him?
Do I enjoy the time I spend with him?

Be brutially honest with yourself.

And I know you already know this but just to say it aloud THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE.

Dari

'His head has been turned' - When I discussed this some time ago with a family member - the one with the double life - he said this..........

I am sick now, absolutly sick.... Have my worst nightmares come true?

Why would he be bothering with me if that is the case? I knwo I am quite attractive and intelligent but I am not into games at all at all.............I am a caring kind person, am I a fool?

I have had to deal with a legal issue of my own the last while and had my eye off the ball ............. but other than going to work and a couple of parties in the year he wouldnt socialise without me...........but having said that I notice he would be more willing to go now than before... my family member did say he may only now be realising that he is attractive to other women and this is because of the work scenario..... telling him he is 'fit' ect..............

My initial thing was he is not ready for marraige.......... But what is all the crying about and the I love you ect is that all just talk?

Dari

Does he show he loves me?
Yes, he does jobs for me helps me out - I might complain - but we will always end up with we love each other.

Do we have fun together?
Not as much as we used too, I partake in some of his interests, we go for walks a lot, we do talk about him a lot I tend to sort problems for him as he does for me I work the brain he works more practically.

Does he treat me with respect?
Yes, he has taken to ganging up on me lately with my family - as in with my sis who is a bit of a boss, but I was very hurt over the ring thing.

Am I happy when I know I'm going to see him?
Not as happy as I would have been previous, because I know he is preoccupied.

Do I enjoy the time I spend with him?
The walks yes, we both like animals and we spend a lot of time with them.

Be brutially honest with yourself.

Oh The Humanity

He ganged up with you with your sister eh? This is the same sister who he told the ring story to? The story where he pretended he was more reluctant to wed than he was?

So, whats it to her whether or not he was reluctant to wed?

Anything there?

Dari

Totally barking up the wrong tree there anyway. Defo not. That has given me a laugh:D

She is more like my mother than my sister. She would openly say.....she has awfull pity for my bf having to put up with me.............as my Dad would say also jokingly of course................

My bf gets on better with some of my family than I do.........wknds Im not there he still visits my Mom with Cakes for tea and there is defo defo nothing there.........

Peggypeg

Questions, questions, questions eh? So much to figure out, your poor head. Maybe try this, just stop, go somewhere peaceful and close your eyes and listen to yourself. Ask yourself Is he the one you want?

It does sound like he spends time with you and that you help each other out, that's a good start, but is it enough to build a marraige on?

I've to go home for the weekend but I'll check back in on Monday, don't stress about this too much, sometimes the answers will come out of nowhere when you're not expecting it. Also, you don't need to figure this out right now, take your time.

Dari

Is'nt that just it. Questions questions!! On a positive note to finish for the weekend.

Im thinking now, I have had my head turned a few times of course I've seen lads I fancied, I've been asked out - and had all those ego trips and was thrilled with myself with the ego boost. But that is all it ever was a fleeting fanticy because I always felt I have a strong special relationship with my bf..... however I knew up to now my bf did not have this.........he always turned up at work doo's with me and made himself known I always knew why.................But I had forgotten about that upto this minute..............we talked about that then and we will talk about this now.............

Since I got rid of the personal legal issues I had to deal with I am much more confident I have lost weight and bought some new clothes (a little sexy) for my wardrobe and Im now in a healthy reigime...........

We'll touch base and I will let you all knwo how I get on.

Thanks all.....

D

Pocket Pillager

I can only speak from the perspective of having been in one long term relationship (the one I'm in now, just under 4 years) and for what it's worth, there's a lot wrong with your feelings about this relationship, from what you've said in your posts. *Cue essay*

It seems (I'm prepared to stand corrected) that there is a self-esteem issue on your side. Where family have been mentioned, it would appear to me that they believe you're lucky to have such a man in your life, and it seems that they have played a part in denting your opinion of yourself. I am getting the impression that you feel you should count yourself lucky, and that you won't find anyone else better. No one should decide your worth but you. If you don't, someone else will decide it for you (and it will be less than what you deserve).

You should not be asking yourself (and the internet public) all these questions so far into your relationship. You should feel comfortable enough with him to talk to him about anything. All these issues really should have been decided long ago. The bf and I moved in with each other in March, renting, and there was no real big discussion about it. It just seemed like a natural progression when it was right (we had spoken about it before, when I was ready before him, but we let it drop until another time, and there was no issue with that). I knew after 3 years that this was going to be permanent, and that at some point in the future I will marry him, but we're not in a rush. This is a discussed, mutually agreed thing, not something that either of us decided on our own.

Maybe this guy is worthy of spending the rest of your life with (you, and only you, can decide this, because it will be you spending your life with him, not your family/friends, not his family/friends). He should make you feel good about yourself when you're with him, yet you should both have a social life apart from each other that you can call your own, so you retain your own sense of self. You should share interests, yet have your own to call your own. Do you have this?? It seems like you don't

For your sake (happiness, sanity, sense of self, sense of worth) talk about all of this with him. Openly, truthfully, brutally. Sort everything out. If you both can't, or you don't feel you can trust all that he says, then move on and find someone who you can feel truely comfortable and open with. Someone who will make you feel as worthy as you are of love and understanding, for all of your faults (because we all have them). Good luck.

Oh The Humanity

Best of luck over the weekend OP!

I must say I am bouncing back and forth in my opinions over this one!

take care!

magneticimpulse

sorry if i bump this thread, but it was an interesting read. yeah i think after 9 years you should feel like you have made your mind up about whether you like this person or not. for me thats a huge amount of time and energy with one person and it doesnt seem to be moving to the next level. i think living together is an important step. but at the same time marriage or kids is not going to make you feel any happier. you have to be there as a team and if he doesnt have much time for you now, will he have time for a family?

im hitting early 30s and single. of course i worry about meeting the one. but i know theres plenty of options. dont be in a relationship for the sake of it, or for fear of being alone. thats the wrong reasons. discuss this with a professional if it helps. and just yourself (past problems, issues or whatever to help increase your self esteem). you seem like you have let life pass by. you need to have your own life, join clubs, dances, sport, art, whatever, but have your own time to mix with others. as for him, he needs some sense of freedom too. its acceptable to have female friends and sounds like he could do with getting out of a rut too.

dont let life pass you by but at the same time dont wish it away for the next step or the next level as you wont be any happier. you have to be happy now and no amount of houses, weddings etc going to change that.

Dari

Hi Guys

This will be my last post on this topic.

Since I was last on here I have discovered quite a lot about myself, it seems for quite a long time years in fact I have been suffering from anxiety - its hereditery was always in the family but I was not aware of that until recently.

I have had the most awfull few months questioning my past my future ect. It seems for years I was so worried about so many things I never lived my life - the traumas in my life took over I was a functioning worrier you might say, afraid of everything and I mean everything. I thought this was normal but of course its not.

I am writting this mail to clear this up for me and also in case I might help somebody else - if you are in pain like me then you need professional help.

My relationship is in recovery we have spent more time together in the last couple of months than we have in a long time - quality time. He has been very understanding and kind, but most of all I am learning to be kind to myself.

I will have to live with the fear and the worry about life but hopefully now that I am aware of it I will learn to deal with it.

It scared me when I realised that I was posting all the intimite details of my life on the internet - looking for what I am not sure.

However I am in a better place now and hopefully I will deal better with the dark patch the next time I enter one if I do.

Thank you all, anyone who looks for guidance from these threads should be carefull because you just dont know what sate the subscribers are in.

Regards,

A much happier J - Im delighted its 2010.