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Why am I feeling like this?

  • 13-10-2009 9:06am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This is a silly issue and I know it. Basically my OH was my first whereas she had a number of guys prior to me and this slightly bothers me if I'm totally honest. I think she knows that it bothers me but I don't know why it does. I'm 100% happy with her, love her etc, but yet the thoughts that she got to experience this and I didn't, well, it's a weird feeling.


Comments

  • #2
    shellyboo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 ✭✭✭shellyboo


    First thing you need to ask yourself - do you want to stay with her? Let's assume the answer is yes.

    If you want to stay with her, you *have* to let it go. There's no other option. She can't go back and erase her past. There is literally nothing she can do about the fact that she's had more partners than you, and there's nothing you can do either. So you just have to let it go, or else it will create resentment and eat away at your relationship.

    Who cares if she's been with other guys? Focus on being the best guy she's ever been with, in bed and elsewhere, and that will help you be more secure.


  • #3
    BraziliaNZ
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,671 ✭✭✭BraziliaNZ


    all I can say is you better get used to it, I assume you're young. I am 29 now and most girls my age have been around the block so to speak, but so have I and that's just the way it is, they are only human too? Just accept it, it's normal.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes, I am a few years younger than that. There's no doubt that I'd probably be the same if I was that age, i.e. had a number of partners. But the fact of the matter is I haven't. She can obviously get a sense of what else is out there whereas I can't. And I don't want any one else so why the hell is this constantly on my mind?

    I just think it's a weird position to be in and I don't know if many people are like me.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I feel the same, OP. I'm probably around your age and have a serious boyfriend. I wasn't a virgin before I met him but had one long term relationship whereas he's slept with about 8 women, most casually, and done other stuff with about 10 more. Now of course he's ready to 'settle' - he's had his fun and sown his wild oats - but I haven't! I feel like it isn't really fair. He's said he's happy to have a threesome or watch me with another guy, but it isn't the same. He had this fun, mad sex life before he met me that didn't involve me. It's not jealousy or anything, but it feels quite unequal. I didn't feel like this with my last bf as he'd only been with 2 other girls.


  • #6
    Sanjuro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,241 ✭✭✭Sanjuro


    Hey OP. I was in a similar situation as you with the girl I lost my virginity to. I found out that I was number 25 on her list and she was number 1 on mine. At the time, I had a huge problem with this as I was older for one thing. I acted like a complete dick about the whole thing and it nearly killed our relationship.

    The truth is, there's nothing you can do about somebody's past. It's in the past. Relationships, partners, situations, they're all gone and not worth the time dwelling over. Obviously, this ethos doesn't apply to everything, but it should do with relationships. The more you let this be an issue for you, the more it's going to eat away at you, and the more you'll begin to resent her for what essentially is your own sense of inadequecy. She's with YOU now, and that's all that really matters. Someday, if things don't work out between you, you'll be with somebody else, and then you'll be the one with the past. Would you want somebody you want to have a relationship with hold your past against you?


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Appreciate the replies.

    Sanjuro - Are you still with the same person if you don't mind me asking? Would it be on your mind much?

    I don't regret not being with anyone else, so glad my current gf was my first, and yet this still bugs me. Odd.


  • #8
    helimachoptor
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 21,692 Mod ✭✭✭✭helimachoptor


    feelthesame1 wrote: »
    I feel the same, OP. I'm probably around your age and have a serious boyfriend. I wasn't a virgin before I met him but had one long term relationship whereas he's slept with about 8 women, most casually, and done other stuff with about 10 more. Now of course he's ready to 'settle' - he's had his fun and sown his wild oats - but I haven't! I feel like it isn't really fair. He's said he's happy to have a threesome or watch me with another guy, but it isn't the same. He had this fun, mad sex life before he met me that didn't involve me. It's not jealousy or anything, but it feels quite unequal. I didn't feel like this with my last bf as he'd only been with 2 other girls.


    You do know sex isn't a competition??
    no one forced you to stay in relationships and not go out and have fun.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    helimachoptor wrote: »
    You do know sex isn't a competition??
    no one forced you to stay in relationships and not go out and have fun.

    You missed my point (in a rather condescending way). It's not about competition. It's about two people being in different places. My OH has had his fun. If he was told I'd be the last woman he ever slept with, he'd be fine with that. He's had his experience of casual flings and one night stands. I haven't experienced anything like that. If we were to get married tomorrow, I'd be wondering what I missed out on. I know nobody forced me to stay in a relationship, but I did. It's not relevant as to how I ended up with so few partners - the outcome of that is what's important.


  • #10
    Sanjuro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,241 ✭✭✭Sanjuro


    Unregistered wrote: »

    Sanjuro - Are you still with the same person if you don't mind me asking? Would it be on your mind much?

    I'm afraid we broke up after a year. But that was down to geography. She went away to college, I stayed here to finish what I was studying. But that's another story. We're still good friends and pretty close, but we've been with other people since and sometimes she's been the subject of a similar issue in her relationships and her in mine!

    I wont pretend I just made the decision to let it go and that was that. Sure, she'd mention exes now and again, as people do when talking about events in the past. But I chose not to let it get to me. Took a bit of work on my part, but eventually it fizzled out as an issue. And I'm a better person because of it.

    The decision to let her past get to you or not is yours to make. You cannot make her feel guilty for her past. Why should she? Whoever she was with in the past, the relationship didn't work out and they're now her ex. Take comfort in the fact that she's chosen you to be with. That's what's most important and everything, and everyone else doesn't count. But if you let this get to you, believe me, it will kill the relationship.


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