Christmas tree the year a family member dies?

icanhearjimi

I know its only October, but someone asked me this last week. My mother died this year and I was wondering do i put up a christmas tree this year?
Is it tradition to not put up a tree the year that someone in the family dies? I never heard of this before.
I'd like to put one up and I know thats what she'd like.

Anyone shed any light on the issue ?

dudara

I know that my mother follows the tradition of not sending out any Christmas cards the year that someone dies.

Personally, I wouldn't care too much about the tradition - I would ask myself what the deceased person would have liked. If they would have enjoyed a Christmas tree, then up it goes.

Don't mourn people, celebrate their lives.

icanhearjimi

dudara wrote: »

Personally, I wouldn't care too much about the tradition - I would ask myself what the deceased person would have liked.

Don't mourn people, celebrate their lives.

Thank you
I will be putting up a tree, just curious to see what other people do

PirateShampoo

What would your mum liked you to do?

Its hard loosing your mum, it didnt hit me for 3 years when mine died, but you got to keep going forward and remember that she is watching you and wouldnt want you to not enjoying your self.

MissHoneyBun

To be honest I think the answer is simple: you do whatever is right for you and your family.

chuckles30

I can only speak from personal experience - we put up the Christmas tree the Christmas after my dad died. He wouldn't have wanted us sitting there being miserable....to be honest we didn't even think twice about it...as others have said, do whatever feels right for you.

crosstownk

dudara wrote: »

Don't mourn people, celebrate their lives.

+1 & well said.

I've never heard of this tradition. Thankfully my mother is still alive but if she found out that I didn't put up the Christmas tree because of her, she'd not be best pleased.

Christmas is, by and large, a happy time. Everyone remembers their deceased loves one in their own way - if that means leaving the tree down for a year then so be it. On the other hand, if you want to put the tree up then go for it. Do it for you, not for tradition that others subscribe to.

Wibbs

I agree with the other posters on this. It depends on the individual situation. The year my dad died I didn't put up a tree. He would have been a little old fashioned and would have followed that tradition. Plus as a kid I always helped him put up the christmas tree and continued that tradition into adulthood, so for me it had an extra ingredient so I really couldn't face it that year.

When a close mate of mine died his family put up a tree, because thats what he would have wanted and I agreed with them. As I say it's so dependent on the situation.

Christmas will be a time of reflection for those not around any more, so just go with your heart. I know I do and every year I put up a tree I remember my oul fella.

blondie7

the irish christian tradition is to not put up christmas tree, decorations or send christmas cards. however you can put up the crib:rolleyes: i no my mother follows this tradition but she is a devout catholic so unless you are i wouldnt worry to much about it!

we'llallhavetea_old

my mam didnt send cards the year my nana died, i never heard of not putting up a tree.
anyway, as everyone says, whats best for you and your family is what you should do!

Darthhoob

we celebrated christmas as close to how we used to the year my mum died....although it wasn't great (she was the glue that stuck us togther) the day was about her really. we visited her memorial and spoke of her.....it was tough but she wouldn't of wanted us to not celebrate christmas...she loved it (except the cooking part lol)

tbh hun, do what YOU WANT to do, dont do what other people think you should.

prinz

If you think that's what she'd like go ahead. Let everyone else worry about themselves. tbh I have never heard of this tradition. At all. Someone said above that it's a Catholic thing, I don't think so, imo it must be more of a local tradition. I know plenty of devout folk and have never come across it before.

Blogger50

Hi Op,

My mam died last year quite close to Christmas. We didnt send out cards but did put up a tree. To be honest I never heard of that tradition. The only one I knew of was the cards. To be fair she would have wanted us to put up a tree so I'd agree with what most other posters have said - do what you think she would have wanted and whats best for your family.

What a rude question to ask!

We didn't, and because my mother is quite ritualistic.
I think it makes christmas that little bit easier to keep things low key.
But you know how you feel, and how your mother would have felt.
That is all that matters.

Mina Loy

how is it rude moonbaby?

op go for it. if it helps i've never even heard of the tradition

IvyTheTerrible

Me and my family were just discussing this at the weekend. My brother died in June and we were trying to decide what to do at christmas.

We're not going to send Christmas cards, my mum believes in that tradition. We are going to have a tree though, and decorations, and we will be having presents. We think he would have wanted that. Also, we think that we as a family have to continue living our lives too, and spending Christmas as a family is part of that.

It'll be very sad I know but I think it will help.

Wibbs

Christmas can be a hard time. The first christmas after a loss will be the hardest, but if you gather those you love around you it can reinforce those bonds.

Sinall

My parents don't put up a tree or send cards the year somebody in the family dies. My mother said it just doesn't feel right to her, she is a staunch follower of tradition.

Personally I think it differs depending on the person you have lost, what they would have wanted and how you feel is the best way to remember them. Christmas can be such a hard time after a death, so do what you feel is right for you and your family.

Sanjuro

Hey OP. Last year, my da popped his clogs. Sad times for all. But at Christmas time, we went ahead and did the whole Christmas thing with spades. It certainly helped the process where as a lack of celebration at the festive time would only have served to highlight what was already a grim year. Of course, it's all relative, but in my experience, making the good times as good as possible helps more than dwelling on the sad times.

LegacyUser

My dad died last year. All of the extended family were "reminding us" that it's tradition to not put up a tree when there's a death in the family, something my mother was going to follow, but I made the decision to put up a tree in our living room anyway for the sake of my mother, younger brother and I. I had no intentions of fulfilling traditions for extended family members, while they sit in their houses with their bright, cheerful trees.

My Dad loved the Christmas tree and he would've wanted it up.

Decorating the tree was the first time my mother, brother and I laughed and (jokingly) argued like a normal family again, as we untangled lights and replaced fuse bulbs, it was like every normal Christmas and made us feel closer to my Dad, who would normally be the one stepping in to solve all lighting problems. I could imagine him sitting in the corner shaking his head and laughing at our poor lighting layout.

We were miserable enough with his loss, why suffer more by sitting in an undecorated house while everyone else has a colourful, cheerful Christmas?

We kept it basic, just a simple tree in the living room which wouldn't be visible from outside the house. We didn't put any candles in the windows or any outdoor lighting.

We also didn't send out any Christmas cards, a tradition my mother felt strongly about.

iguana

Mina Loy wrote: »

how is it rude moonbaby?

I think she meant it was rude of the person who asked the OP, not rude of the OP to ask here.

To me it seems to be a bit of an odd tradition in that a lot of people have never, ever heard of it. I first heard of it when I was 14 and my friend's family weren't putting up a tree as her mum had died that year. I asked my mum about it and she had never heard of it, neither had either of my grandmothers and I don't think any of my aunts and uncles ever observed it either. I used to think it was a country tradition but my husband's family who are from a farming background never observed it either. It also can't be a very long-standing tradition as christmas trees would have been barely heard of in ordinary Irish homes 150 years ago.

I can understand why in certain situations people can't always stomach putting up a tree or really bothering with christmas. Though I do feel that if there are young children who believe in Santa in the house some sort of effort should be made for their sake.

Wibbs

I think its a Dublin thing. None of my mates from a rural background had heard of it either. Only the ones from Dublin going back a few generations. I'm not much of a traditionalist and would only observe them for others sake, so if it was a traditon in the family and it helped then fine, but I wouldn't if it was a tacked on tradition.

Ann22

My father died about 3wks before Christmas 12yrs ago. My mam didn't put up decorations or send cards out...though I did as I'd moved out. My son was young so we tried to keep things normal for him. It's up to the individual.

snowy2008

my dad died in january and im not going home for christmas, i want christmas just to be over so i dont have to deal with it, its just the first event without them is the hardest, id like to just sleep thru it

LegacyUser

It's definitely not a "Dublin thing", I'm from Western Ireland and the tradition is followed very closely by all in my region.

I imagine that it is a very old tradition, and before the Christmas tree was a feature in Irish homes, it was probably a case of simply not "celebrating" (joyously) the Christmas after a family member has died.

krudler

I dont get this tbh, if someone died around Christmas I'd understand, mark of respect and all that, but at another point of the year? surely they wouldnt want you to not celebrate and remember them ,my ex's grandmother died in March one year and they didnt celebrate christmas at all that year, or put up a tree the year after which was a bit much imo, as someone already said, dont mourn people, remember them in a nice way

Gregor Samsa

My mother died last year. My father chose not to celebrate christmas at all, but I made sure to celebrate it as I do every year in my house, and invited my brother over so it would be as much of a family occasion as possible.

My mother always loved the christmas tree and all the festivities that went with it. Now she, like I am, was an atheist, but if there was an afterlife, she would have come back and beat me around the head if I had not put up a tree - and especially if I was using her death as a reason not to.

Other people may genuinely feel that not putting up the tree and sending cards is a mark of respect, and I wouldn't knock them for that.

You need to do what's right by your beliefs and instincts, and not tradition for the sake of it.

LegacyUser

My aunt died a few days before christmas 4 years ago. Funeral was on christmas eve. I remember when we got the news that she was in a very bad way, we turned off all our christmas lights as a mark of respect.. felt very strange, lonely and dark.. After the funeral we got home and obviously were all very upset. Then my dad suggested turning on just the christmas tree lights. We did, and it was as if the place warmed up. Obviously we didn't celebrate at all that year, but it just made us feel a bit comforted I suppose. My aunt wouldn't have minded at all, and I know that she wanted her husband to still make a santa effort with their son who was only four at the time.

At the end of the day, it's only a tree. Do whatever is right for you, not what other people think is right. I know other members of the family took down their decorations but there were no rows about anything. We all just coped with it in our own way and got on with things. It's a terrible time of the year when you've lost someone, especially the first one but remember them in the way you want. You'll never forget them and they know that x

sadie06

I think it very much depends on the family feelings on the issue and what time of year the person died. My sister died on the 22nd of October and Christmas was upon us before we knew it. None of us would have had the energy to decorate the house, even if we had wanted to.

Had she died earlier in the year things may have been different.

Azureus

I think that it depends on what you feel comfortable with.
Even though it is seen as tradition to many, nobody will be offended or think you are being disrespectful by putting up a tree if thats what you feel like doing.
Personally after my father died, we didnt put up a tree for a couple of years, mainly cuz it didnt feel like Christmas without him so what was the point? But then again we took it to extremes and just ignored xmas altogether for these couple of years, barely exchanging gifts and certainly no festive cheer! This is not neccesarily the best way to go about it from experience though, sometimes its better to just embrace the persons life and carry on with things with them in your memory.

dubdcugirly

Put up your tree if thats what it feels right to do not on the basis of some unknown "tradition".

When my aunt died, my uncle asked my mother the exact same thing and she even being very religious/into rituals etc said put it up! Your pain is still going to be there next year so by not putting it up one year you could be making yourself feel worse. If you leave it down and put it up next year does that signify your "over it", no not at all, therefore try and make Christmas a happy comforting time where your family can get together and remember! Also if you want to get through this as another poster said you need to remember all the good Xmas's you had with your mother and surely there was an Xmas tree there for those!!

Sorry for your loss

LegacyUser

When my teenage brother died suddenly a couple of months before christmas we decided not to put up a tree. However, as it got closer to christmas day (like a few days before christmas day) we changed our minds and decided to put up a tree for the sake of normality for my kid brother. We kept it in a room which couldn't be seen from outside the house as we didn't think it appropriate to have a light up tree on view.