parents still wont accept boyfriend...2 years on

marigold29

So my ex was Mr Perfect - good job, professional, rich, clean cut, nice in every way. Both my parents liked him (they are seperated but they each liked him, which is rare that they'd actually agree on something!). My friends liked him, they thought maybe we were an odd match but he was a sort of winning guy, people couldn't help liking him.
But it didnt work out. We were together over 3 years (I'm 29) but really I didn't have strong feelings towards him, we didn't have alot in common and I ended it.
That was nearly three years ago. I've since been with my (new) boyfriend for coming up to two years. He's scruffy,still a student, has the odd piercing, long hair.... He may be poor, but I'm a professional and I don't need money from a man. He's had quite the opposite upbringing from me, but despite the rock n roll appearance he's a country guy with a great sense of family and a big heart.
We don't live together, and aren't making any plans to since my job is in another city.
I don't pay for him. We aren't able to go on foreign holidays or eat in fancy restaurants but to be honest I think all thats over-rated.
I get on great with him family, who have never been anything but lovely to me, and I feel at home with them.
But...my mother will have nothing to do with him.
I don't really care, since I see little enough of my boyfriend that I'm not in a great hurry to spend time at my mothers with him. But I think it hurts him. For example, if she bumps into me when I'm with him she'll walk by without acknowledging us. She makes constant snidy comments, and then denies she ever made them and accuses me of being defesive. She won't even say his name without a look of total disgust.
I'm a big girl, and don't need my mothers approval at this stage in my life but I can't keep explaining it away to him. For example I am invited to a wedding and he's not invited...the invitation was just for me!
It's been two years...I'm not saying it will be forever but how can I deal with this? I'm busy at work and I feel like I don't have time for drama from my mother, which is what will result if I bring up the subject.
I've tried mentioning to her that she's being judgemental but I don't exactly get a very positive response...
Anyone in the same boat? He's not perfect and his appearance may be the quinessential example of a parents worst nightmare but how can something so superficial matter so much?

LegacyUser

Heya OP

Going unreg for this. I have been where you are now, not to the extent that my mam walks past ignoring us, but def had made her point clear about him not being good enough for me etc. He graduated from college and was hunting for work actively but doesn't drive and we don't have much money. He lives at home and is struggling to get by but is super to me.

BUt mam would pick and nitpick and throw in snide comments ALL the time.

Drove me INSANE. And it hurt both me and my boyfriend, and usually wound up in a fight between me and my mam. She would say 'have you got that low a self esteem that you stand for that etc etc" and I would get upset and begin to think horrible things then would attack my boyfriend, and he's be upset. His parents accept me for who I am (altho my mam would say, why wouldn't they, I have a job, am in college and drive) but it hurt me no end how she wouldn't accept him and that I loved him.

I had to put the foot down and say, I love him, he loves me, we've been together 4 years (yes 4) and back off for the love of god or I'll end up not speaking to you, do you want that?

I still have the problem where she gives out she doesn't see enough of him (as tho his presence in my home house indicates how much he loves me) but I have to tell her we don't get that much time together because of my work, and i would much rather spend it alone with him and with friends than sitting on our couch at home minding our Ps and Qs.

At the end of the day, your mam isn't going out with your boyf and what should be of her concern is your happiness. It is really hard tho OP I understand what youre going thru. Live for yourself, and not for anyone else x

marigold29

hubble 82: thats so like my situation - saying why wouldn't his parents accept me I have a job etc...and the low self -esteem thing, my mom always goes on about that, in a covert sort of a way where she's not "really" talking about him but she really is.
The worst part is how she always asks how my ex is, hows his mother, hows his sisters, and so on...and I've been broken up with him for 3 years!
When I said for example, that I went to my boyfriends grandparents wedding anniversary in his home town, my mother just humphed, looked disapprovingly and changed the subject (as if I'd just said to her that I had spent the weekend binge drinking in Ibiza!)
Mothers have the whole guilt thing on you all the time. Mine just freaks out if I ever confront her about anything. She's suffered from depression since my dad left and always plays the sympathy card. She'll go on about how she thought "things were going well when I was with my ex...and now... humph...sigh"
grrrr!!!
Anyway I suppose I'll get over it. At least theres no such thing as arranged marriages in Ireland;-)

whatdoicare

marigold29 wrote: »

Anyway I suppose I'll get over it. At least theres no such thing as arranged marriages in Ireland;-)

Don't be so sure- my mother accidentally (on purpose probably) blurted out that she hopes I break up with my bf (of seven years!) coz she's had this fella waiting on the sidelines to fill in for him!
She's also told a whole room full of people that I was going out with some famous hurler that was in the news at the time....I'm so glad I wasn't there for it.
Is it just a thing that will happen to us the minute we give birth to a girl?? Do we pass on the sane gene only to lose it ourselves?! What's the deal like?

Fiend-Foe

Due to some stuff in my past my GF's family will never accept me. We had broken up for a while and its just easier all round if they don't know we're back together. It saves her a lot of hassle. It breaks my heart that they will never like me, never know how happy I make her and that I take good care of her. Hurts that they'll never know who I really am, that I'm really a nice guy who had some problems in his past. My family all love her and think of her as a member of the family. They think the world of her and love being around her, my Mam loves buying her little presents because she never had a girl and likes buying girlie stuff, makeup, bubblebaths etc. I just wish there was something I could do to change things, but there's nothing. Feel so powerless.

Taltos

Hi OP

Is this an issue because you are living at home or you spend a lot of time around your parents?
I am a bit unsure on that - but at 29 if you are not out then you have to get out asap. While with your mum she will feel that it is her right to comment on your life - there is only one way to stop this - and that is to tackle it head on.

Next time she comes out with one of her little humphs - just stop everything and just say "is there something you want to get off your chest? " - do NOT let it slide.
Then just stand your ground.
"Listen mum - if you like boyfriend A so much - you get with him - as for me - he was insipid - cared more about his hair then my feelings and basically licked your a** while telling me he couldn't stand you..."
"But right now I am with B - who treats me like a princess and always puts me first - why are you not happy that I have found someone who loves me so much?"

And back to my first point - if you are still at home - then maybe this is the time to think about moving out - in your own place you will have your own freedom etc (well bills as well) - but you will not have to live under someone else's constant in your face judgement - sorry if I got this wrong, as I know you did not say it - just guessing from your comment.

marigold29

Just to answer that one: no I don't live at home thank God. I don't even live in the same county as my mum (or my bf) so I think that's how the situation has been allowed to continue for so long...

Darthhoob

my dad never really accepted my OH, as he is 10 year older, scruffy, pierced, wears a baseball cap alot, out of work.
despite the fact that he is kind, generous, considerate, THERE for me (unlike my dad), and eventually took on my special needs son as his own...and we have 1.5 kids together..been together 6 years.

as long as your boyfriend treats you right and you are happy...screw what family think. i realise family want what is best for you but why does that only ever include money and looks instead of what actually matters?

my dad was appy to move me out the house when i had a baby and never talk to me again, but doesn't like someone who makes me and his grandchildren very happy??? i dont get it personally.

i dont know what to advise really though hun as in the end i stopped talking to my dad, as ....events happened that he wont apologise for....might make a PI thread of my own about that one day lol.

seamus

marigold29 wrote: »

For example I am invited to a wedding and he's not invited...the invitation was just for me!

Is it possible that the people who invited you are unaware that you have a boyfriend or were specifically told that you don't?

It would be worth ringing the couple directly, thank them for the invite, but say that you noticed that only your name was on the invite, but you've been going out with this guy for two years and is it OK if you bring him along?

If they tell you no, then you have your answer - don't go. But more likely they'll be very embarrassed that they didn't know about him and will say that it's absolutely fine to bring him.

I imagine this whole dislike comes down to the "provider" thing that seems to be quite prevalant in parents born before the 60's, and especially those outside of the cities. Basically, regardless of what their daughter is or isn't doing, they still see the traditional man/woman relationship as being one where he is the provider and she is the mother. So a man without a job is nothing but a bum and will never be able to care for my daughter as she deserves. That their daughter is more than capable of taking care of herself is irrelevant.

Beruthiel

Hubble82 wrote: »

I had to put the foot down and say, I love him, he loves me, we've been together 4 years (yes 4) and back off for the love of god or I'll end up not speaking to you, do you want that?

That's what needs to be done marigold29.
For the life of me, I don't get why a parent would rather put their happiness ahead of their childs.
If you are happy with this man then that is all that matters at the end of the day.
If your mother cannot accept that, then that's her tough sh!t.
btw - I wouldn't go to that wedding. Spend the day with your b/f instead.

Oh The Humanity

Your Mam is acting like a fruit loop btw.

I would stop point blank looking for her approval, leave her go. If she wants to behave like some 1950's caricature good luck to her.
Shes just embarrassing herself.

Explain to your boyfriend that your Mother has issues. Tell him you are embarassed by her, hell tell her that if she asks. Otherwise don't engage with her.

As you say you have no time for her drama so whatever you do don't crawl after her trying to reason with her. Thats what she wants.

LegacyUser

Hi again,
Can I just say marigold29, I have taken some of this thread of my own use, as i said already I am going thru what you're going thru, but alas, I live at home. I can't afford to move out right now because I'm doing a full time MA. Himself is unemployed (as are half the country) so really it's on him to get a job to have money to move out, and I'll contribute what I can (I drive, that's the other contribution!) But altho my mam is awful conservative in thinking that we shouldn't move till we are married (!) she would still be hinting at 'if he really loved you he'd be out there cleaning toilets to make money etc).

The self esteem thing seems to be her bug bear which drives me bonkers. Tries to turn it into me 'being a victim' because I'm currently the provider and the worker (part time only).

I had to turn around eventually and say politely back off but i still get the jibes like "Mary was saying how odd it is that your boyf doesn't talk much' or 'Mary was saying you could do much better'...ouch. Actually more a stab. To be honest OP i had to go and source a counsellor in the college for a few sessions as these comments were hurting me so bad I was so confused because i love my boy so much, and i love my mum but I want to be happy. I know that's a bit extreme and there were possibly other issues but don't let yourself get that far. Slightly rambled off topic there but....

Stand by your man if you love him. You look out for yourself and be happy.