my parents cant accept im gay!

irishboyuk

im 24, came out when i was 18. been away at uni in the UK for the last 5 years and now im back home. my parents took it really bad when i told them. but i hoped with time they would understand. this doesnt seem to be the case. my dad never mentions it and my mum appears to be ashamed of be for being gay. always afriad that people will find out. all of my friends know im gay and i know that most other people know aswell even though i havent told them. i have never recieved any negative responses from people, except for when i was at school years ago.

im really struggling with my parents, as we live in the country where everyone knows each other and gossip alot. i feel like i cant live my life the way i want here cos my parents will never accept that im gay,. we have a farm and im an only son and they have this idea that one day im going take it over and build a house etc. i really like where we live and would love to build my ideal house here etc. but i fear that i wont be able to have boyfriends etc cos they will be afriad that the neighbours will talk.

after spending 5 years in the UK and being openly gay im finding it really difficult here now, but i really dont see why i should have to move away in oreder to live the life i want to lead. i really feel its time they accepted me for who i am or else they will end up driving me away for good!

any advice greatly appreciated!

Beruthiel

In fairness, you cannot force someone to accept something if they do not wish to.
Have you tried talking to your parents about it?

I understand that you like where you live and feel you should be able to do as you please there.
In a perfect world, that's how it should be.

IMO you have two choices.
Move to a town/city and live your life openly.
Or,
live your life as you wish in your home place and take whatever comes your way.

Either way, at the end of the day, the choice on how you want to live your life is yours.

Dwn Wth Vwls

You, or they, might get some useful advice from these people: http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

JupiterKid

Unfortunately, you can't force your parents to accept you being what you are. It's pretty sad that the parents of a young 24 year old man in Ireland in the year 2009 can't accept (or seemingly even deal with) his sexuality. If they drive you away with their shame and ignorance - it's their loss.:( There are resources/support groups for the parents of LGBT people in Ireland to contact - Parents Support is one such group
http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/parentsSupport.html


Perhaps being in a rural area which, lets face it, is more socially backward than cities is a factor and also being an only son (I'm an only son too but my Dad accepted me...:)). Would I also be correct in suspecting that your parents are pretty religious/regular Mass/Church goers too? Who gives a flying f*ck about what the neighbours might think. Judging from your parents' reaction - I'd say they are the ones with the problem about you being gay, not the neighbours. Parochial small mindedness and a fear of gossip is a sad way for anyone to be trapped in.

I don't see why you can't take over the family farm when the time comes and run it with a same-sex life partner. There are quite a few gay farmers out there - just look at hte "Friends seeking Friends" in the online Farmers Journal classifieds.:D
http://www.farmersjournal.ie/holding/vps.shtml


Gay people can and do happily exist in rural Ireland.

irishboyuk

thanks guys for the replies. my parents are really cool about most things and where never strict about things and i had a very happy upbringing. i was the envey of most of my friends because i had such sound parents. but its just so unfortunate that they are so sheltered when it comes to gay people. my mum has been freaking out lately cos her friends are on facebook and she fears that they will see something on my profile and find out that im gay. im like wtf!! i really dont think they will care. all of my mums family know im gay as i have told my cousins etc. but yet she refuses to admit to them, i am embarrassed as its so blatent that she is ashamed of me for who i am. i spoke to my sisters about it all and they agree that its unfair. i really just dont know what to do anymore.
with my dad not even talking about it just adds to my frustration. they cant even bring themselves to say the word "gay" most of the time. strangely enough they arent really all that religious and rarely go to mass. its just such a nightmare. it was ok when i was in the uk as i could be myself but since ive come home its been crap.

philologos

Even if they do not agree with your sexuality, if you are gay and you wish to have that identity you should be public about it. You have to make your own decisions about your own life, your parents might not be extatic with it, but sometimes you have to take sacrifices.

MicraBoy

If you were away for 5 years this probably hasn't helped the situation. It probably has essentially swept the issue under the carpet from their persepective. I doubt they have come as far as they possibly could have had you been closer at hand.

My suggestion is to give them some time, and to try to normalise the situation as much as possible with them. Don't hide the fact you are gay, or don''t let it influence the way you live your life. If you have a bf, tell your parents, bring him up in conversation the any straight person would. Introduce them to them eventually, have him around etc. I think you need to let the seed grow in your parents mind, as they have probably set this to one side for the last number of years.

who what when

Am i the only one who feels sorry for your parents?
Have you even tried to see this from their point of view?

They are from a differant era where homo-sexuality is wrong and shameful and they obviously still hold this mindset. Now whether or not this belief is right or wrong is irrelevant because thats what society brought them up to believe. The same way society now leads people to believe that homosexuality is normal and acceptable!

So can you imagine how much of a shock and disappointment it must have been when you came out! And the shame that THEY FEEL they have to deal with. The fact that they believe they failed as parents! And possibly the underlying feeling that they failed as human beings!

Yet they still accept you totally as their son and part of the family. It seems they even want to hand their farm down to you.
Fair play to them! If everyone in the world could deal with their prejudgices in the same way the world would be a much different, much better place!


Societies opinions change with each generation. It doesnt mean that whatever popular opinion dictates is necessarily right. Perhaps you should be as respectful towards them and their opinions as they are to you and yours!

Beruthiel

who what when wrote: »

They are from a differant era where homo-sexuality is wrong and shameful and they obviously still hold this mindset.

That doesn't hold water for me.
The OP is 24.
I have a 21 year old daughter, so I'm going to guess that their age isn't a million miles from my own.
If they still think like you say, then they've had their heads well and truly buried for the last 20 odd years or so.

I'm going to guess that they don't know any gay people (apart from their son) so MicraBoy's suggestion is a good one.
Anything new can take time to digest.
Once they realise that it's no biggie, they may come to accept it.

Reflector

who what when wrote: »

Am i the only one who feels sorry for your parents?
Have you even tried to see this from their point of view?

They are from a differant era where homo-sexuality is wrong and shameful and they obviously still hold this mindset. Now whether or not this belief is right or wrong is irrelevant because thats what society brought them up to believe. The same way society now leads people to believe that homosexuality is normal and acceptable!

So can you imagine how much of a shock and disappointment it must have been when you came out! And the shame that THEY FEEL they have to deal with. The fact that they believe they failed as parents! And possibly the underlying feeling that they failed as human beings!

Yet they still accept you totally as their son and part of the family. It seems they even want to hand their farm down to you.
Fair play to them! If everyone in the world could deal with their prejudgices in the same way the world would be a much different, much better place!


Societies opinions change with each generation. It doesnt mean that whatever popular opinion dictates is necessarily right. Perhaps you should be as respectful towards them and their opinions as they are to you and yours!

Well I think when most of Europe regarded Jews as dishonest money grabbing sneaky liars that popular opinion was most definitely wrong and what happened to jews in europe proves that.
The OPs parents have had 5 years to get used to this, It doesn't hold weight with me that they are from a different time. If it was my parents I'd be embarrassed that they weren't more openminded. Give them more time definitely but you shouldn't be made feel ashamed just because they have some sort of problem with this, maybe try and source some literature and some support groups that may change the way they view homosexuality.

who what when

Reflector wrote: »

Well I think when most of Europe regarded Jews as dishonest money grabbing sneaky liars that popular opinion was most definitely wrong and what happened to jews in europe proves that.
The OPs parents have had 5 years to get used to this, It doesn't hold weight with me that they are from a different time. If it was my parents I'd be embarrassed that they weren't more openminded. Give them more time definitely but you shouldn't be made feel ashamed just because they have some sort of problem with this, maybe try and source some literature and some support groups that may change the way they view homosexuality.

But thats what i said if you read my post! I said that society changes with with every generation and whatever the popular opinion of the time is, doesnt necessarily make it right. The jews being an example as you pointed out.

During the 30's in Germany POPULAR OPINION stated that jews were second class citzens, and were looked down on to say the very very least.
In the present day homosexuality is accepted and celebrated.
Both overwhelming popular opinions!

who what when

Beruthiel wrote: »

That doesn't hold water for me.
The OP is 24.
I have a 21 year old daughter, so I'm going to guess that their age isn't a million miles from my own.
If they still think like you say, then they've had their heads well and truly buried for the last 20 odd years or so.

I'm going to guess that they don't know any gay people (apart from their son) so MicraBoy's suggestion is a good one.
Anything new can take time to digest.
Once they realise that it's no biggie, they may come to accept it.

If the OP is in his 20's then his parents are more than likely in their 50's which means they would have grown up in a 1950-1970's ireland.
Ireland at the time was an incredibly homo-phobic place. Being gay at that time was totally unacceptible. Especially in rural ireland where the OP has stated he's from!

Anyone unfortunate enough to be gay at that time had few options. Generally they either joined the priesthood or lived alone all their life!
Being gay was seen as a mental illness! It was totally unacceptable!
All of society saw it as a huge shame to have anyone in their family associated with homo-sexuality.

Now if you really think this is not the case you have your head buried in the sand!

mobius42

who what when wrote: »

If the OP is in his 20's then his parents are more than likely in their 50's which means they would have grown up in a 1950-1970's ireland.
Ireland at the time was an incredibly homo-phobic place. Being gay at that time was totally unacceptible. Especially in rural ireland where the OP has stated he's from!

Anyone unfortunate enough to be gay at that time had few options. Generally they either joined the priesthood or lived alone all their life!
Being gay was seen as a mental illness! It was totally unacceptable!
All of society saw it as a huge shame to have anyone in their family associated with homo-sexuality.

While your points about the society the OPs parents are likely to have been brought up in are true, I think it's sad that they are unwilling to put their relationship with their son ahead of their own prejudices and fears. Surely, after 5 years, they can finally accept that their son is more important than what they think society will think of them.

philologos

mobius42 wrote: »

While your points about the society the OPs parents are likely to have been brought up in are true, I think it's sad that they are unwilling to put their relationship with their son ahead of their own prejudices and fears. Surely, after 5 years, they can finally accept that their son is more important than what they think society will think of them.

There is a third solution. That is they can have the freedom to maintain their own stance on homosexuality, but allow their son to express himself as he likes, and well, when people ask claim that although they personally disagree with it, their son is at this point an adult who can make his own decisions.

Beruthiel

Jakkass wrote: »

when people ask claim that although they personally disagree with it.

What lovely parents that would make them.

Boston

irishboyuk wrote: »

but i fear that i wont be able to have boyfriends etc cos they will be afriad that the neighbours will talk.

This to me says it all. It's not about what he thinks, or even what his parent think, it's all about the neighbours. There nothing he can really do about this. Even if he where able to convince his parents that there's nothing wrong with homosexuality, he's unlikely to ever be able to make them comfortable with the neighbours knowing. It's very hard to reconcile yourself with people who put the opinions of others before the happiness of their only child but this small community BS is deeply engrained.

philologos

Beruthiel wrote: »

What lovely parents that would make them.

Not all parents agree with everything their child does. However, in disagreement it is possible to show compassion. There is nothing unloving about saying you disagree with your child.

shay_562

Jakkass wrote: »

Not all parents agree with everything their child does. However, in disagreement it is possible to show compassion. There is nothing unloving about saying you disagree with your child.

Being gay isn't something the OP has 'done'. It's not like they're acting weirdly towards him because he's running away to join the circus. This is like 'disagreeing' with him for having red hair, or blue eyes. Whether or not they're entitled to their views (and I'll get to that in a second), this 'disagreement', even tempered with compassion, isn't going to get them anywhere and is only going to alienate them from their son. It's not going to make him any less gay.

who what when wrote:

If the OP is in his 20's then his parents are more than likely in their 50's which means they would have grown up in a 1950-1970's ireland.
Ireland at the time was an incredibly homo-phobic place. Being gay at that time was totally unacceptible. Especially in rural ireland where the OP has stated he's from!

My parents grew up in rural ireland during the 50s and 60s too, as (I'd imagine) did the parents of most people on these boards. Yet that doesn't give you an automatic right to be callous towards your own child - you seem to be suggesting that people can't change their opinions as time goes on, or that they don't have some responsibility to. I'd disagree. People of my parents' generation were brought up to believe homosexuality was shameful because of a general ignorance about it - that it was a mental disorder, that it was associated with paedophilia and so on. These days, most people know better, and if you're a parent whose child has just come out to them, I'd argue that you have a responsibility to educate yourself better, to find out more about it and to start dealing with it.

OP, I'm really sorry - it sounds like a pretty **** situation to be in. I'd also agree with MicraBoy's idea about normalising it for them; the longer you let it fester, the harder it'll be for them to come around.

Beruthiel

Jakkass wrote: »

Not all parents agree with everything their child does. However, in disagreement it is possible to show compassion. There is nothing unloving about saying you disagree with your child.

Denying who your child is could not be more callus and unloving.

As shay said above, there is a rather large difference between what someone does and who they are.

One is a choice, the other isn't.

who what when wrote: »

If the OP is in his 20's then his parents are more than likely in their 50's which means they would have grown up in a 1950-1970's ireland.
Ireland at the time was an incredibly homo-phobic place. Being gay at that time was totally unacceptible. Especially in rural ireland where the OP has stated he's from!

I grew up in the boonies of Roscommon in the 70's, how does that sit with your theory?

Lame Lantern

As a long time lurker around these parts, I find it infuriating when Jakkass or his ilk appear in threads to articulate opinions utterly contrary to the mature, modern consensus regarding homosexuality necessitating posters to engage with arguments the mainstream of progressive society have long since discarded instead of dealing with the specificities of the thread.

philologos

Beruthiel wrote: »

Denying who your child is could not be more callus and unloving.

You're missing my point somewhat.

Nowhere did I suggest denying that they are homosexual, but rather when people ask or when people tell them, one can make clear that yes it is true, while disagreeing with the morality or ethics of homosexuality.

It is possible to love but disagree, it happens on many issues within families.

If I want to live a certain way, I don't expect my parents to be accountable or to modify their opinion on my behalf. I recognise I am an adult, and that I make my own decisions.

Beruthiel

Jakkass wrote: »

You're missing my point somewhat.

No, I got your point.
I think it archaic and callus and a dreadful way to treat any child that you claim to love.

philologos

If I disagreed with my child smoking, because I thought that smoking was bad would I be callous?

Lame Lantern

Jakkass wrote: »

If I disagreed with my child smoking, because I thought that smoking was bad would I be callous?

A more apt simile would be "if I disagreed with my child having brown eyes because I thought melanin was bad would I be callous?"

Nevyn

A person can choose to stop smoking, it's a habit and an addiction.
A person can not choose to stop being gay.

Boston

Jakkass wrote: »

If I disagreed with my child smoking, because I thought that smoking was bad would I be callous?

Now you're being facetious, smoking is absolutely a choice, especially at the start. Suppose you fell in love with a nice jewish girl tomorrow, but your family pointedly refused to support your choice because she wasn't of the same faith and wouldn't convert. Would you be happy enough to simply agree to disagree? Or would you feel deeply hurt that your family couldn't accept something as fundamentally right and beautiful as the love you share with another human being, regardless of faith?

philologos

Lame Lantern wrote: »

A more apt simile would be "if I disagreed with my child having brown eyes because I thought melanin was bad would I be callous?"

If I were to debate the analogy with brown eyes, I'd be in violation of the charter, so I better not.

I think the OP is at a stage when he is old enough to live for himself without expecting his parents to automatically regard homosexuality as being morally correct.

Most families have disagreements, it's how we deal with our disagreements that define how well families operate.

If the OP's parents are insisting that he has to keep quiet about his homosexuality I don't feel that is in order. Nor do I feel it in order for the OP to expect his parents to change their view on homosexuality. It's possible for people to have comparison without agreeing on everything.

Ultimately the OP is still very much their son whether straight or homosexual.

philologos

Boston wrote: »

Now you're being facetious, smoking is absolutely a choice, especially at the start. Suppose you fell in love with a nice jewish girl tomorrow, but your family pointedly refused to support your choice because she wasn't of the same faith and wouldn't convert.

Right, fair scenario.

Boston wrote: »

Would you be happy enough to simply agree to disagree?

I would recognise that even if they disagreed, my life is determined by what I decide to do. If I decided to pursue the relationship with the Jewish girl, that would be my prerogative.

Of course I would probably occasionally vouch for my opinion with my parents, with the whole notion that the Christian texts don't explicitly forbid marrying people of other faiths, but ultimately if we disagreed, I would want to pursue both my romantic relationship and the relationship I have with my parents.

Boston wrote: »

Or would you feel deeply hurt that your family couldn't accept something as fundamentally right and beautiful as the love you share with another human being, regardless of faith?

Frustrated perhaps, but I wouldn't say "deeply hurt".

Lame Lantern

Of course I would probably occasionally vouch for my opinion with my parents, with the whole notion that the Christian texts don't explicitly forbid marrying people of other faiths...

The implication that your views are informed by Christian religious doctrine brings us, again, to an impasse that we cannot debate under the charter. We can dispute your views either by undermining the veracity of religion as a viable source of ethical specificity or by disputing your selectively fundamentalist interpretations of text, but both strategies are verboten and will result in another thread being locked without resolution on the actual topic.

Fundamentally, we don't need to hear or accomodate an esoteric view based on an engineered ideology we're not allowed to dispute.

Boston

Well what if it was a case that you couldn't have this hypothetical Girl in your family home? What if the only reason they objected to her was not out of some difference in theological beliefs but rather because of what the other catholic's might think? Wouldn't you think that was pathetic and maddening that your family valued the opinion's of fools over your love?

What if even after years of being together, marriage and settling down to make a life together your parents still insisted on asking you every time you went home "So when are you finding a nice catholic girl" and refused to acknowledge that you ever went through any more then a "Jewish phase". What if you where faced with the stark choice between the family you love and the woman you love and forced to choose? Would you not feel bitter?

I think you would. You're abstracting into academic concepts which suggest to me you've never done something a loved me truly found reprehensible nor have you faced the dilemmas the OP has. Your advice is tantamount to saying "You're old enough not to care", Which is seldom the case.

philologos

Boston wrote: »

Well what if it was a case that you couldn't have this hypothetical Girl in your family home? What if the only reason they objected to her was not out of some difference in theological beliefs but rather because of what the other catholic's might think? Wouldn't you think that was pathetic and maddening that your family valued the opinion's of fools over your love?

I'd think that they were mistaken no doubt, but then again I would have the option of moving out to live elsewhere.

Boston wrote: »

What if even after years of being together, marriage and settling down to make a life together your parents still insisted on asking you every time you went home "So when are you finding a nice catholic girl" and refused to acknowledge that you ever went through any more then a "Jewish phase". What if you where faced with the stark choice between the family you love and the woman you love and forced to choose? Would you not feel bitter?

I'd probably respond saying that I already have a nice Jewish girl :pac:

As for a stark choice between the family I loved, and the woman I loved, then obviously I would consider that unacceptable. As I would consider it unacceptable if it were for a homosexual relationship.

Boston wrote: »

I think you would. You're abstracting into academic concepts which suggest to me you've never done something a loved me truly found reprehensible nor have you faced the dilemmas the OP has. Your advice is tantamount to saying "You're old enough not to care", Which is seldom the case.

My advice is that it is possible for the OP to live his life as he wants even if his parents don't exactly agree with it. I have yet to see how disagreement is paramount to being callous, the term "callous" is nothing more than sensationalism. It is possible that this can be worked out, which is positive news for the OP.

Boston

The thread title isn't "My parents won't allow me to shack up with my boyfriend", So the suggestion to move out solves nothing. His parents accepting him for who he is, is the problem. That wont change if he moved into rented accommodation down the road. I think the word callous is perfect, it means to be uncaring and indifferent towards the suffering/hardship of others. Bang on description of this family situation.

schumacher

OP i dont think there is much you can do. You just have to accept that your parents cannot accept you being gay. Its hard on your parents too. I think you should have a honest discussion with your parents any maybe an agreement could be reached where they wouldn`t air their worries about the neighbours finding out you are gay in front of you and you wouldnt mention anything either.

That way ye could live happily together. As for it being unfair the way your parents deal with the situation Im sure your parents feel the same way about you being gay. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

shoegirl

MicraBoy wrote: »

Don't hide the fact you are gay, or don''t let it influence the way you live your life. If you have a bf, tell your parents, bring him up in conversation the any straight person would. Introduce them to them eventually, have him around etc. I think you need to let the seed grow in your parents mind, as they have probably set this to one side for the last number of years.

Oh I dunno about that. From my own pretty experience I realise now that trying to introduce girlfriends, or talk about stuff only provoked the situation and renewed the conflict over my sexuality. In all honesty, I don't feel sorry for your parents either - if they have chosen not to accept you as you are then they are the losers in the situation right now. There is a huge amount of denial goes into pretending its "for the best" etc but nothing much you can do about it.

The bottom line is that you cannot force your parents to accept you, and in some cases trying to do so would only make a situation much worse. In my own experience, an attempt by a well intentioned partner to "explain" things to my parents without my consent ended up with a 6 month rift between my mother, a situation where she refused to talk to me, hung up on me on the phone, walked past me on the street like a total stranger. Its only ended because I got sick of it all and left the country, and apparently my mother cried for about 2 months, but then my whole family then blamed me for being so "mean."

If you want to risk THAT, well yes, go ahead and force talk about your boyfriends and friends to them, but in all honesty, its eggshells right now and I'd really try to let things sink in for a while and see how they feel further down the line. Otherwise you're just forcing your feelings down their throats in the same way that they are currently forcing theirs down yours. I would suggest just live as you are, don't pretend, but don't force either. Keep that fine line until there are some signs of acceptance, and then take things very carefully and slowly, one step at a time.

Whats hilarious is that everybody in my life, including my siblings and other relations are well acquainted with my sexuality and have no issues with it. Its ONLY my parents who have this notion in their heads that somehow it hurts them in some way.

shoegirl

Boston wrote: »

The thread title isn't "My parents won't allow me to shack up with my boyfriend", So the suggestion to move out solves nothing. His parents accepting him for who he is, is the problem. That wont change if he moved into rented accommodation down the road. I think the word callous is perfect, it means to be uncaring and indifferent towards the suffering/hardship of others. Bang on description of this family situation.

Actually the best thing I ever did was to move far enough away from my parents that they couldn't just turn up on spec and find themselves in a situation they didn't like. Its not actually a bad idea to move far away enough so that it isn't in their face and you can have a relationship without ending up with unresolveable conflicts. Besides if you do live in a rural area it might make it easier to meet people. You can always come back closer if and when things calm down.

Things DO get better, I promise you, but it doesn't mean they are going to turn around and accept you. If that doesn't happen then eventually you just find ways to live with it.