Girlfriend i still aint seen.

LegacyUser

I met my current girlfriend of just over 2 months ago on a dating site. We were meant to meet up few days after gettin know each other but she canceled that day. I found out the next couple of days that she had been raped (She told me herself) So its nearly 3 months now and im still yet to actually talk on phone or even meet my girlfriend.

We *well more like me* has set up days we were meant to meet but everytime at the last minute she would back out giving me different reasons each time. Yes i know she had alot going on but we have gotten really close and if she did not feel comfortable to meet me why has she kept tellin me she would?

So couple weeks ago i told her maybe she should go get some kinda counselling to help her with this cause im willing to wait for her to sort her problems out i just cant wait forever cause its not easy being with someone and knowing you never ever get to see them.

She has being going counsellor past couple weeks now and says she feels good bit better bout meeting up but since this twice we set up a day and twice she backed out again either cause was sick or for another reason im starting to think am i ever gonna see this girl like is there something going on here??

So i have stuff organised for halloween and she has mantained she will be there and not to worry she also says that she will meet me after im finished work one day this week. Im just starting feel was i right to let it go this long did i have a choice?? My friends and family all think i have met this girl a number of times and i hate having to keep pretending to them and giving them storys why she aint around.

Yes i know i could just tell them the truth and i kinda have with my mates but its hard to explain to family sometimes and to friends that u met someone online and you are going out with them yet you have never even seen this person cause it feels stupid.

So what does everyone think of this? Was i right to wait for her? Do you think its gonna work and shes gonna meet me finally this week? or am i wasting my time with this ?

Oh The Humanity

You haven't seen her or spoken to her. She is cancelling dates due to being 'raped' and she is being heavily counselled all the time and can never meet you?

If in fact this girl does even exist, she is not available to meet you.

You have also taken her at complete face value. You don't know for a fact that anything she (?) has said is true. To tell you the truth if half of it is true I would run a mile anyway.

I would give this up as a bad job. She sounds a mess, at the least very high maintenance. She has problems, you dont owe someone you've never met support and loyalty during all this.

I mean you don't know her. Don't be gullible here. Only believe what you can see and verify with your own ears, eyes and brain as facts. Until things are proved then they are nothing more than words on a screen or photoshopped photos or a webcam......

Astrogeek

I agree with the above ^ ^

But, you have already waited for her. What's another week really? It sounds like meeting up is very scary for her. How about ye decide to ring one another, or have a chat on webcam? (Then at a minimum you know for sure she is a real person)
And then maybe meeting up would seem like less of a big deal for her.

Just know what you are getting yourself into.

LegacyUser

Im sorry but i think your completely wasting your time.

She isnt your girlfriend, you've never met her? how can you be?

I dont think she's interested or else she would've made the effort and met you by now.

Sorry!!

peepeep

I bet she's really a man.

LegacyUser

God reading your replys actually makes me feel quite stupid i mean ya i have seen pics alot pics this girl and i know she is who she says she is cause i know someone who used to work with her.

I just have gotten really close to her over time i know her and im really into her in lot of ways she says same to me thats why i felt i shouldnt just give up.

But ya i do feel kinda silly not meeting her yet and i really hope i do this week. End day im not desperate for someone i dont need to settle for any kinda relationship i just really like this girl and want to believe her and trust her am i wrong being this way?

ManOfMystery

I'm sorry to be harsh, but she's not your girlfriend. You can't call someone your girlfriend when you've never met them. At the most, she is someone at the other end of an internet connection who you've formed an emotional bond with.

I agree with the posters above - it's all too easy to conjure up an an online persona and pretend to be someone you're not. Most people then prove who they are by meeting in person, which this girl seems unwilling to do. If she has been raped then she has my utmost sympathy, but part of me also think it's a very convenient excuse to avoid meeting with you but also to hold on to your sympathy and get some attention.

Tread carefully.

Oh The Humanity

Confused Guy wrote: »

i just really like this girl and want to believe her and trust her am i wrong being this way?

Well, Im afraid so, yes.

Blind faith is usually rewarded with something unpleasant.

Why would you trust someone you never met?

Even people you have met have to earn your trust, you don't just automatically give it.

Also, I prefer to judge people on what they do rather than what they say. So far this girl has broken dates and invented a crisis when pushed on the point. Not the best start.

Lux23

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

.

Also, I prefer to judge people on what they do rather than what they say. So far this girl has broken dates and invented a crisis when pushed on the point. Not the best start.

You don't know that she invented a crisis, that's a bit unfair. Although OP I do think everyone else is right you have put far too much faith in this girl. What I would do is call her up and ask her if she really does want to meet you, if she does then set a date and if turns up well that's good but if not that I would just call it a day.

LegacyUser

Txted her told her we need talk on phone tonight now or never this is the last time i will ask.

Shes sick out of college at moment shes being having problems sleeping otherwise i would say come up to me. Look end day i understand everything you have all said to me and i agree with alot of it i just really dont wanna just give up here just yet incase im making a mistake and everything she has said is fully true i mean its not like theres no chance its not all true.

lolli

Sounds like shes playing you op. She probably likes the nice emails you are sending her. Who wouldnt its an ego boost. She probably has no intention of meeting you as she might have a boyfriend or is just not that interested.

Harsh as it may sound you need to tell her to meet you in person or you will put an end to it. I would also question the whole rape story to be honest it sounds like an excuse.

Oh The Humanity

Well I tell you this much, if I'd been raped I certainly wouldn't be sharing the information with someone I met on the internet 2 months ago.

There is a small chance she is telling the truth but its really sort of classic internet stuff. You can invent yourself and certain types of personalities seem to be drawn to the internet. You know, full of drama, always the victims of terrible tragedies....(her)

Im just saying it wouldn't be the first time a naive person would be sucked in by one of these types.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Well I tell you this much, if I'd been raped I certainly wouldn't be sharing the information with someone I met on the internet 2 months ago.

There is a small chance she is telling the truth but its really sort of classic internet stuff. You can invent yourself and certain types of personalities seem to be drawn to the internet. You know, full of drama, always the victims of terrible tragedies....(her)

Im just saying it wouldn't be the first time a naive person would be sucked in by one of these types.

Well no offence but i hope u are all wrong ya know. And ya i was abused sexuallly myself its not something id make up but i really dont think she has made this up i talk this girl 24/7 i know someone who used to work with her she is real she has not made stuff up. Its just the not seeing her yet thing thats bothered me.

Chinafoot

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Well I tell you this much, if I'd been raped I certainly wouldn't be sharing the information with someone I met on the internet 2 months ago.

I'd disagree. It may be easier for a rape victim to talk to someone they dont have to see face to face. Everyone reacts differently. The assumption of lies is pretty harsh. I'm all for being cautious but some of the replies here are majorly cynical.

To the OP I would say that if this girl has indeed been raped then you should forget about meeting up for the moment. She's going to be in no place to have a relationship with you and putting pressure on her to do so will push her further away. Overcoming rape is a long process and you can't just expect her to be fine after a few counselling sessions. If anything, meeting some random bloke from the net would be difficult for most people, particularlay those who have been sexually assaulted. She doesn't know you.

I'd back away completely if it was me. She has her own stuff to deal with and you can't expect her to get over it in a few weeks. Continue to be in touch with her online if you feel its worth it. But don't push her to meet you.

CDfm

Confused Guy wrote: »

Well no offence but i hope u are all wrong ya know. And ya i was abused sexuallly myself its not something id make up but i really dont think she has made this up i talk this girl 24/7 i know someone who used to work with her she is real she has not made stuff up. Its just the not seeing her yet thing thats bothered me.

OP you have never met her and as you were abused yourself you should be careful as you are vulnerable.

All everyone is saying is that there are some scam artists that use this type of on-line persona to scam the vulnerable and they are very convincing.

They can ask for gifts or money as part of it. So dont part with anything.

Now I am not saying she is not genuine but please be careful as the advice while harsh is pretty straight up.

mood

1. You never meet her so she is not your girl friend.

2. If she was raped it will take a long time to get over I would say. She will need time to herself (along time). A couple of counseling sessions will not make it all ok.

miec

OP you have never met her and as you were abused yourself you should be careful as you are vulnerable.

+ 1

Be careful with yourself Op as well, whilst reading your posts I can see you desperately want her to be the person you have in your head, there may be a difference between the woman in your head and the real person behind the screen. Many people who have been abused tend to be more comfortable with intimacy that is non threatening (ie: the internet) as it is safe. You have bonded with an online friend, but if or when you met this girl, it will be different, if she has been raped then I hope she gets the help she needs, but at the same time you need to take care of yourself, she is continuously letting you down and not meeting you, that surely must cause you some stress and even if she doesn't mean to, she is messing you around, you need to set the boundaries here and tell her she needs to stick to her word.

Zaph

peepeep wrote: »

I bet she's really a man.

Infracted for unhelpful post

e04bf099

You have never met her and when people here express scepticism you jump on the defensive. There is an important issue that you just don't seem to grasp. It is her RESPONSIBILITY to assuage your doubts. For her not to do this on the phone or in person means that she doesn't respect you. If she has been abused (and that is a considerable "If" - until you get proof that adds up to more than "a girl that used to work with her") then it is understandable that she might distrust or disrespect people. But even so, I don't think people should ever expect that kind of trust, abused or not.

That is asuming she is real. Unfortunately, no matter how convinced you are, she may be compulsively lying. I say this from experience. I know people who have lied about being abused, parents suicide attempts, what year they are in in college. They are good at lying only because people make it easy by WANTING to believe them. People like you only get hurt, and eventually blame everyone but yourself. You are leaving yourself open in a completely irrational way.

And she is NOT your girlfriend. You obviously need a person to kick you out of your own pathologies and back into reality with a bit of straight talk. This is not just irritating for you. You could be in genuine danger. What if someone that has some animosity towards you (some really evil cretine - there are many of them in this world) is setting you up. Or what if SHE is setting you up and tries to get money or something off you. People like you can lose their shirts sooo easilly it is scary. But you are just too bull-headed and desperate for love to take precautions. COP ON!

LegacyUser

OP, a friend of mine was in touch with a girl over the internet for over a year. They weren't calling it a relationship as such but they talked every day, for hours at a time. Every time they were due to meet, she would cancel. She spun all sorts of stories as to why she couldn't meet, playing on my friend's good nature, sob stories basically. To cut a long story short, it was all lies. She was on a big old power trip and having a laugh at his expense.

You know nothing about this girl. You know someone who worked with her, but how reliable is that? I hope what happened my friend isn't happening to you. You sound like a decent guy to hang on this long for her and that's exactly the kind of person frauds like this prey on.

You need a serious talk with her. Give her one more chance and let her know she's on her last chance. If she cancels again, no natter what her story is, cut her off.

LegacyUser

e04bf099 wrote: »

You have never met her and when people here express scepticism you jump on the defensive. There is an important issue that you just don't seem to grasp. It is her RESPONSIBILITY to assuage your doubts. For her not to do this on the phone or in person means that she doesn't respect you. If she has been abused (and that is a considerable "If" - until you get proof that adds up to more than "a girl that used to work with her") then it is understandable that she might distrust or disrespect people. But even so, I don't think people should ever expect that kind of trust, abused or not.

That is asuming she is real. Unfortunately, no matter how convinced you are, she may be compulsively lying. I say this from experience. I know people who have lied about being abused, parents suicide attempts, what year they are in in college. They are good at lying only because people make it easy by WANTING to believe them. People like you only get hurt, and eventually blame everyone but yourself. You are leaving yourself open in a completely irrational way.

And she is NOT your girlfriend. You obviously need a person to kick you out of your own pathologies and back into reality with a bit of straight talk. This is not just irritating for you. You could be in genuine danger. What if someone that has some animosity towards you (some really evil cretine - there are many of them in this world) is setting you up. Or what if SHE is setting you up and tries to get money or something off you. People like you can lose their shirts sooo easilly it is scary. But you are just too bull-headed and desperate for love to take precautions. COP ON!

Ok first thing first thanks everyone for your replys and advice im greatfull for it But this reply bothered me.

Number one you dont know anything about me or this situation ok my main problem was not that i didnt believe this girl about who she is or what she said has happened to her my problem was that i was starting to think would i ever see her.

Now im not a push over i have been threw a hell of alot in life im not ''easy prey'' trust me im well able to look after myself im not some sort of weak case i just tend to give people not everyone but some the benifit of the doubt until its really clear there wrong.

I know a friend of hers who used work with her fairly well i seen this person only a week or so ago there is no doubt this girl i have been txting every day for past nearly 3 months now is real and is who she says she is and what has happened is true.

You may ask how i know this? Well how do i know shes lying either i mean i can understand to certain degree after talking to her on phone last night i talked her for a good hour about everything she is very nervous on phone and comes across as a person who has just been threw alot lately not only was she rapped herself but her sister was beaten up by her fella couple weeks ago theres alot going on in her family and to be totally honest i am in no postion to judge i have had a very messy background meself.

So to sum this all up there is no question of who she is and what shes saying its all true the ONLY thing i was worried over was when i would ever see her and when we could actually start a normal relationship.

Again thanks to everyone who replyed and who showed any concern :-).

Irishcrx

I'm sorry to pull a Dr.Cox here but get a hold of yourself mate, this is not a relationship it's a girl looking to string you along for attention, classic attention seeking behaviour and your playing right into it. Raped? I severely doubt it here are the more likely options.

1. She has a boyfriend in REAL life and is looking for extra attention.
2. She frequents these dating sites and may have been out with someone else and been raped.
3. She lieing about everything
4. She is afraid to meet you, low on self confidence and is making excuse after excuse

My advice is to man up and take some pride in yourself one way another this whole thing is going to end badly.

martdalto

OP, she is not your girlfriend. Or else she doesn't WANT to be, and is just putting off meeting you and telling you.

To be honest, if everything she tells you is true, then it's understandable that she doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment.

The best thing you can do for her AND yourself, is contact her. Tell her you know she is not ready for a relationship and therefore will not push the issue. You will always be available to chat as a friend, but you don't want her to feel pushed or pressured into anything.

And then go out and try find yourself a nice girl, who you can have a proper, physical relationship with.

You are not cutting her out altogether, because if she is genuine, that would be beyond cruel, as she obviously needs someone to talk to - but you are stepping back and taking the decision away from her. Don't force her into a situation that she clearly doesn't want to be in.

Be her friend - but move on.

LegacyUser

martdalto wrote: »

OP, she is not your girlfriend. Or else she doesn't WANT to be, and is just putting off meeting you and telling you.

To be honest, if everything she tells you is true, then it's understandable that she doesn't want a boyfriend at the moment.

The best thing you can do for her AND yourself, is contact her. Tell her you know she is not ready for a relationship and therefore will not push the issue. You will always be available to chat as a friend, but you don't want her to feel pushed or pressured into anything.

And then go out and try find yourself a nice girl, who you can have a proper, physical relationship with.

You are not cutting her out altogether, because if she is genuine, that would be beyond cruel, as she obviously needs someone to talk to - but you are stepping back and taking the decision away from her. Don't force her into a situation that she clearly doesn't want to be in.

Be her friend - but move on.

Shes the one who wants be with me its not all coming from my side here she has told me lot times that if wasnt for me she would of not got threw all of this and that i have been her rock.

What is bothering me here all people saying ah shes messing you around shes lying she you probley has a fella and just likes the attention off you lol wtf like ?? Just cause you hear these things happening dont mean shes like that and ill say it once more i already know she is for real thats not what i have the problem with i know who this girl is and im repeating meself here trying to back up what i keep saying that only problem is i just wondered when time would come when i would see her.

I was not overly worried about anything else cause i know who she is where she lives where she works where she goes to college i have spoken to her on phone txt her every day the week i know the girl all but to of seen her so in all fairness dont gimme this that i should be worried shes messing me round or that shes not what she says or that she does not want anything from me cause lol yet again ill say that I ALREADY KNOW AND HAVE CONFIRMED WHO SHE IS! lol.

To be totally honest you could be going out with someone meet them every day they week and they could be messing you around same way as people are saying this girl is so whos to say what anyone is actually doing cause know one knows until there told or until they see them selfs.

LegacyUser

Anyway to sum it all up im sure of what is going on here i will sort it if i do not see this girl this week its over. I know shes telling truth no matter what anyone else has tried see me here i know shes for real so im not in doubt no matter what anyone says.

So anyway thats that it will be sorted this week.

K_P

Martdalto's advice is probably the best course of action.

Two months and you've never met and only talked on the phone once. It's not a relationship and she's clearly not in a place where she's ready for one. You'd have to wonder what she's doing on dating sites.

Anyway, you need to move on. But if you care about this girl, stay friends with her. It won't really be all that different to how things are with ye now.

LegacyUser

Ok again thank you but i know what im doing weather you all think it or not i never had any doubts that she is who she is and what she wants from me.

So i guess leave this conversation at this and if any mods wanna close this go ahead cause im finished here.

Thanks everyone again.

ManOfMystery

Confused Guy wrote: »

Anyway to sum it all up im sure of what is going on here i will sort it if i do not see this girl this week its over. I know shes telling truth no matter what anyone else has tried see me here i know shes for real so im not in doubt no matter what anyone says.

So anyway thats that it will be sorted this week.

So why did you come on here looking for advice? Whenever it was given, you went on the defensive.

Sometimes when you get involved with someone - and this happens a lot - you can get into things so deeply that you can't see the wood for the trees. Asking an unrelated third party for advice is the best course of action you can take as they will offer a totally unbiased and clear opinon of how they see things from the outside. I know you have seen pics of the girl and that she is who she says she is, but that does NOT mean she is being emotionally honest with you. Don't be naive enough to think that about someone you have never looked in the eye. She could tell you she loves you, you're her rock, she wants to be with you, you're the greatest thing since sliced bread - but so could I. I could post it right now. It doesn't mean it's true does it? Meeting in person won't even mean it's true as there are some accomplished liars amongst us, but it will certainly go a long way to dispel some of your fears.

I sincerely hope that this girl IS the real deal and that things work out for you. However, despite your protestations that you 'know' her and know her background, etc, the fact remains that she has been unwilling to meet you for 2 months and has used every excuse under the sun to avoid it. Yes - she has a trauma from her past, but that didn't stop her from going on a dating site and getting into chats with you.

If this girl is as mad about you as you make out, she would want to meet - end of story.

The fact that she doesn't want to meet implies she has something to hide.

The fact that she won't speak on the phone, which is a very safe and normal thing to do, implies she has something to hide.

She has told you she'll meet you one day after work this week - I presume it won't be today or you would probably know by now, so that leaves Wed/Thurs/Fri. Has she told you yet?

Good luck.

Irishcrx

I think your being very naive about the whole thing, bottom line is she cannot be your girlfriend if you haven't so much as seen her face to face or even kissed her. Can I ask what age you both are?

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So why did you come on here looking for advice? Whenever it was given, you went on the defensive.

Sometimes when you get involved with someone - and this happens a lot - you can get into things so deeply that you can't see the wood for the trees. Asking an unrelated third party for advice is the best course of action you can take as they will offer a totally unbiased and clear opinon of how they see things from the outside. I know you have seen pics of the girl and that she is who she says she is, but that does NOT mean she is being emotionally honest with you. Don't be naive enough to think that about someone you have never looked in the eye. She could tell you she loves you, you're her rock, she wants to be with you, you're the greatest thing since sliced bread - but so could I. I could post it right now. It doesn't mean it's true does it? Meeting in person won't even mean it's true as there are some accomplished liars amongst us, but it will certainly go a long way to dispel some of your fears.

I sincerely hope that this girl IS the real deal and that things work out for you. However, despite your protestations that you 'know' her and know her background, etc, the fact remains that she has been unwilling to meet you for 2 months and has used every excuse under the sun to avoid it. Yes - she has a trauma from her past, but that didn't stop her from going on a dating site and getting into chats with you.

If this girl is as mad about you as you make out, she would want to meet - end of story.

The fact that she doesn't want to meet implies she has something to hide.

The fact that she won't speak on the phone, which is a very safe and normal thing to do, implies she has something to hide.

She has told you she'll meet you one day after work this week - I presume it won't be today or you would probably know by now, so that leaves Wed/Thurs/Fri. Has she told you yet?

Good luck.

Im defensive because i didnt come on here looking for advice on weather i should trust this person or not my main thing was wondering when the time would come that things would be normal and id get to see her that is what i wanted to get word on.

She wouldn speak me on phone because she was shy she told me this and ya i can see it now cause i spoke her on phone last night and she was shy but yes she talked and afterwards when we finished talking on phone she said how glad she was that we did cause she was nervous before but it made her feel alot better.

She has told me reason she canceled all the times we were to meet was because she just could not go threw with it she joined that dating site before she was rapped i was talking to her for a while before she got rapped.

So after everything she told me she wanted to see me and each time she honestly taught she was ready but when really came down to the day and the time she just couldnt do it and i except this cause i have been in similar places and times my self.

She has been to counsellor and finishs her sessions this week she has also being having problems sleeping and has been sick cause of tablets she had to take so this week she finishs with the counsellor and she told me on the phone last night that she was sorry its been like this and that she never met up but she just couldnt and that she feels much better bout it now and she wants to things to work between us cause she couldnt of got threw everything on her own.

Now i trust her and i really honestly dont care what any of you are going to call me or say every word she has told me is good enough for me i have given this girl a chance and i believe she will repay me she knows i want things be sorted this week and no later or else theres nothing there for us. It will be sorted this week and i cant see why the outcome will be anything but good.

So im ending this whole thing at this point thanks everyone for advice i was defensive for some of things said cause yes i didnt agree and its not the advice i asked for in the first place i didnt come on here trying to find reasons to believe this girl cause i already had plenty of things to make me believe in her.

So if a mod wants to close this thread theres really no more to be said from me or no more that anyone else can offer me on this subject thanks everyone again :-) .

K_P

Confused Guy wrote: »

Ok again thank you but i know what im doing weather you all think it or not

i just wondered when time would come when i would see her.

Ok so you didn't want advice, you wanted to know when you would finally get to meet her? I have to ask why you think anyone here would know the answer to that?

Xiney

Thread closed at OP's request.