comedy script for your assessment

kd101

Hey,

Posting this for critical assessment!


Thanks

Call Me Jimmy

Hey just read the first scene, I was expecting a train-wreck but I think it's actually quite good. I'll give it a proper look tomorrow. But good first impressions anyway.

kd101

Cheers Jimmy.

It's worth a full read through IMO
There is one or two constructs in there I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on.

Anyways

pickarooney

I'm confused. Where is this supposed to be set? I don't think people say 'cool your jets', 'y', 'yiz' in places where they use the queen's pound.

I wasn't sure on what level to take it, particularly the atrocious puns, to be honest.

kd101

Cheers for the feedback

Yea I suppose the setting probably isn't perfectly panned out, but surely everyone says "cool your jets"

I might try and add more consistency to the phraseology of the characters.

The level for it to be taken is pure schlapstick. No harm you didn't find it funny, that's why I throw these out here.

Thanks though, I hope you read the whole thing!

kd101

Another script for critical assessment!

Any feedback greatly appreciated.

I'm a glutin

AggressiveWorm

hey, read the first one there, not the worst, considering i dont write comedy scripts...didnt read it all tho..apologies..i have seen im not the only one to say they havnt finished it...that might be a sign as in its not to directly engaging....i wasnt really dieing to finish it,...bit of a weak story,..no offence...keep it up for real tho...

AggressiveWorm

read the second one there...not all of it again i must admit...maybe i have a short attention span, or stoned,....im gonna write a comedy script and post it here, see what ya`ll fink.....jus for ****s n giggles..literally...

kd101

thanks for giving it a shot

honestly reading pilot comedy scripts is actually difficult. even reading produced scripts can be a chore.

Very valid criticism though.

By the way the second one definitely improves as you go through it. The first one I haven't looked at for a bit.

cheers

davyjose

kd101 wrote: »

but surely everyone says "cool your jets"

Really? I don't know anyone who does. It's your script - you should really know this stuff. "But surely" won't get your script picked up.

betweentwolakes

I thought Olde Wisdom was good. I think it could be visually very funny. The other post Entrepreneurs was not as well done. Olde Wisdom works because the characters are in the same room throughout (I would like to see more description of the characters) but for Entrepreneurs you need to create the scene not with dialogue but with scene set up. You wouldn't describe a building across the street to someone in a movie, you would just say CITY STREET - MANY OLD BUILDINGS - DAY and fill in what the camera would see. Only use dialogue when the camera is not enough.
Lynn

kd101

betweentwolakes wrote: »

I thought Olde Wisdom was good. I think it could be visually very funny. The other post Entrepreneurs was not as well done. Olde Wisdom works because the characters are in the same room throughout (I would like to see more description of the characters) but for Entrepreneurs you need to create the scene not with dialogue but with scene set up. You wouldn't describe a building across the street to someone in a movie, you would just say CITY STREET - MANY OLD BUILDINGS - DAY and fill in what the camera would see. Only use dialogue when the camera is not enough.
Lynn

Thanks for reading.

I realised when I was writing Entrepreneurs, that it was almost a pointless adventure. It'd never ever be produced. It's a sort of combination of mini-sketches, that are hugely visual. I still think parts of it are funny, in a ridiculously silly way.

When I went to write Olde Wisdom, the key criteria, was 1 location, ultra low budget. Obviously it will unliekly ever be produced but at least I'm giving myself a shot by keeping to these key criteria.

I think as a concept it could work, I'd love to extend and elaborate of course.

I am not very happy with the 1st maybe third of the script. I think it is built around 2-3 fairly low grade gags, whereas the gags should fall more out of the storyline.

I think the storyline begins to takes shape as you head further into it and it feels more natural. And of course the characters begin to take shape.

Thanks for your feedback, really appreciate it.

kd101

Well another one...

I quite like this one.

Appreciate the time anyone takes to read it.