would u date a single parent?

LegacyUser

well, title says it all really would you?

there seems to be a huge amount of girls about that are single and have kids. i know about 15 myself. thing is, my new girlfriend has also just told me she has a son.


so, what do i do? what would you do. im sure its been discussed here, but cant it work

i would like negative and good experience, from both sides if possible. really tough for me at the moment to decide.

minidazzler

Just don't spend much time with the child until you know the relationship is solid enough that it might last.

It would be unfair for the kid to develop an attachment to you and then you are suddenly gone from his life when you and the mother split.

Other than that keep going as you are really. If you like her that is.

John Mason

personally, i wouldnt get involved with someone with child but you really have to decided that for yourself tbh.

its a tricky situation, you will always be second best and there with will be issues with your social life.

is the father around? cos you might have to deal with that too

its far too messy of a situation for me to get involved in

Crotchety

To be totally honest if she was still tight down below then I would. If she was damaged goods then no.

Simple as that really. I'd look for someone fresh instead.

Zaph

Crotchety wrote: »

To be totally honest if she was still tight down below then I would. If she was damaged goods then no.

Simple as that really. I'd look for someone fresh instead.

Banned for 1 month

entropi

In all honesty she is just another person potentially looking for a partner, or failing that a bit of fun. Once you keep the relationship between you two the main focus then there is no harm. You should only have a passing interest in the childs life at this stage, as nobody knows where this thing'll go for now. If in future things are looking to the long term, then you could get to know the child a little better and find out if there would be any potential father issues that may arise.

Until then i say go have some fun man:D

shellyboo

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it, but that's me... You need to assess your own feelings about it. Do you like kids? Do you get on well with them? Are you prepared to always be a lower priority? These are the things you need to think about. As someone else already mentioned, don't get too involved with the child until you know you'll be sticking around.

LegacyUser

I have and to be honest it wasn't a problem at all, her daughter was one five or six months when we met and I got to really like spending time with her daughter too, she even commented a few times that I was great with her. It won't lie it can be harder, you can't just drop things and go for a drink or dinner my myself and herself were quite happy to stay in a lot of the time.
Her ex wasn't about which in some ways did make things easier but unfortunatly he had been a right dick of the highest order, I'm not going to go into details because I know she sometimes uses boards, but let's put it this way she lived in fear of him. Anyway, between a few misunderstandings, she felt she couldn't trust me (I'm well made a few enqueries about the ex, simply because I knew she was living in fear of him, I mean afraid to walk down the street or worse that he'd try and kidnap her daugher anyway she felt I was going behind her back), so unfortunately things didn't work out. What she doesn't realise is I'd actually do anything to put things right for her and her daughter.

I ended up gutted (only happened last weekend), yes I miss L. but also really miss little L. too, tried to fix thing's but it really doesn't look like it's going to work

I suppose at the end of the day it's really down to the person themselves, are you prepared to have three or more in the relationship.

Dudess

Definitely would - if I really like him, I really like him.

I'm at an age where it's more of a likelihood anyway. Different if I was in e.g. my early 20s.

pwd

I think she should have told you she had a kid, before you got to the stage of referring to her as your girlfriend. I would feel very deceived if I was in your position.

I think it's completely reasonable not to wish to be with someone because they have a kid. Concealing a factor that would be a deal-breaker for plenty of people, until you've already "made the deal", seems manipulative. You're in a position you didn't bargain for, possibly you would feel guilty about walking out, and presumably you feel some level of attachment, if you are calling her your gf.

It is dishonest of her. She has tricked you. I'd ditch her.

wylo

I did before and it didnt really work out, its not usually the kid that is a problem in that situation , its the involvement of the father etc(for me anyway).
For me personally I would again, but only if I knew that the father wasnt going to be an issue. Call me shallow or whatever but the last thing you want when your meeting someone new is to be hearing about the ex all the time even if its just in passing.

Other than that Id have absolutely no problem. A person with a kid is no different than someone without one. Responsibilities are slightly changed but other than that its the same.

martdalto

If your sister had a baby and ended up splitting up from the dad would you like her to be left single forever, or would you like her to meet a nice bloke and have the chance to be happy?

The fact that you are even asking the question tells me you are not ready/old/mature enough to be in such a relationship, so maybe it's best to leave it?

shellyboo

martdalto wrote: »

If your sister had a baby and ended up splitting up from the dad would you like her to be left single forever, or would you like her to meet a nice bloke and have the chance to be happy?

That's not even the same thing... Obviously we want our loved ones to be happy, but that doesn't mean we want the exact same life as them. Of course a single parent is entitled to love and happiness; but that doesn't mean everyone else is obliged to be ok with dating a single parent.

He's well within his rights to think about it, and I think he'd be foolish not to. Like it or not, its a big undertaking, its complicated, and it's not really anyone's ideal scenario.

martdalto

I'm married to someone who has a child, I know what an undertaking it is!

I'm just saying that if he likes her why would he let the fact that she has a child stand in the way.... to be honest, the way of the world these days, there's not too many people around who don't have "baggage".

But as I said, the fact that he's asking the question means he has doubts and should leave it.

Liam Byrne

I've given this a shot, twice, and in both cases the child didn't end up being the reason for the break-up(s).

Darthhoob

well, i was a single mother when my OH met me. my son was 21 months old. he never thought of himself as a father...at all...he was 31 and i was 21.

BUT he likes kids, had experience working with them and got on with them...and for some mad reason, they like him lol. he took my son on as his own pretty quickly (we moved pretty fast, faster than we should but....6 years later we are even stronger). my ex wasn't in the picture though as he went AWOL and doesn't even want to be in my son's life. my OH is still here now, being a great father (to our son too..and one on the way) and since i met him my son was diagnosed with Asperger's...so he is alot more work than ya average 7 year old...OH had been a ROCK

he did date a single mother before me, she had 5 kids! and said she wanted more soon...on their first (and only date) THAT scared him LOL.

you need to consider really if you want to be a stepdad, because unless it is a very casual relationship you will become a huge part in this kid's life...eventually. if you think you cannot hack that it will be better and nicer to just end it. it's a definate must that you like kids anyway!

ash23

I think that if things are done correctly then a child won't really get in the way. I have a 6 year old and I would need to be v serious with someone before they would meet her, before she would even get a whiff of me seeing someone.
It may make it more difficult to physically see someone but if it werent to work out in the short term, I seriously doubt it would be because of my daughter.

Think about it OP. If it's not for you then fair enough.
I would be plssed that she hadn't told you about her child though. I tend to bring up my daughter pretty quicklt. Sorts the wheat from the chaff fairly quickly in my experience.

themusicman

Ash23 is correct

The days of a single parent looking for a replacement father/mother are long gone IMO and should not be an issue

Telling early is good as it can explain a lot of the last minute cancellation/need to plan/reduced possibilities for spontaneuos acts.

There can be issues if you are moving from the friend zone to relationship as childrens feelings need to be taken into account.

However single parents are great! and are also human too.... in fact are totally selfless a lot of the time

ash23

Should also mention that there is a lot more to me, personally, than being a parent. I would want a man to be with me because he likes me and who I am. Not because he thinks I'd be a good mother for his future sprogs. That comes much later in the game.
Being a mum is a huge part of my life but when I am dating I am just me, not someones mammy.

themusicman

ash23 wrote: »

Should also mention that there is a lot more to me, personally, than being a parent. I would want a man to be with me because he likes me and who I am. Not because he thinks I'd be a good mother for his future sprogs. That comes much later in the game.
Being a mum is a huge part of my life but when I am dating I am just me, not someones mammy.

Hope I didnt suggest otherwise

I would take it for granted that a relationship is with the person and not just the parent. As you say being a parent is a huge part of life, but not all of it.

ash23

themusicman wrote: »

Hope I didnt suggest otherwise

I would take it for granted that a relationship is with the person and not just the parent. As you say being a parent is a huge part of life, but not all of it.

No, no. Not you. Just pointing out to the OP that while his girlfriend being a mum is a big part of her life she is just a person. Who happens to have a child. And so long as they take it easy and at a steady pace, he should base his decisions about dating her on her and not on her motherhood status.

On the flip side, a word to the guys. Telling a woman with a child that she is a "fantastic mother" when you don't know her kids is a turn off, not a good thing :rolleyes: It's surprisingly common to hear that. They don't know my child though. I could be beating her senseless at home but because they like me and want to flatter me, they tell me I'm a wonderful mother. I'd rather they tell me I have a nice ass

stovelid

I would, but obviously it can lead to sadness or issues if you get attached to the child and the relationship doesn't last.

If you feel that you can't be sanguine about your social life being affected by her responsibilities as a parent, it's not for you. Which is fair enough. It's hardly a case of you being a 'lower priority' - more that she has an additional priority and will have a non-negotiable responsibility to her child that will have to come first.

It's hard for single parents. There are a lot of great people out there who find it harder to meet partners because they have a kid.

anplaya

irishbird wrote: »

personally, i wouldnt get involved with someone with child but you really have to decided that for yourself tbh.

its a tricky situation, you will always be second best and there with will be issues with your social life.

is the father around? cos you might have to deal with that too

its far too messy of a situation for me to get involved in

yeah,i agree with you,im the same,dont need to complicate my life any further.

but its up to you op,if ya feel comfortable with that situation.ya cant ask any of us to decide for you.you decide whats best for yourself.best of luck eith whatever ya choose to do.

LegacyUser

Guys (or girls) please dont do what my ex did and break a little childs heart.

I was a single parent when I met my now ex. He didnt get to meet my little child until I knew it was serious between us. They got on a like a house on fire, it was clear they loved each other.

But me and him went on to have a child of our own, I thought he would make a great father. He didnt. To cut a long story short 2nd child is disabled and he doesnt want to be a full time daddy and he left me. He still sees his own child not my older one.

Now im on my own 2 different daddys and very likely to be left on my own and judged by everyone.

Think very carefully before you get involved

davmol

Im too much of a selfish b@stard!!
Ive seen these type of relationships first hand on a few occasions and they wouldnt eb for me.Obviously not all relationships are the same.I couldnt stand having to make arrangements ahead of time each time we wanted to go for a drink.Id fear id resent the child getting in the way of me and mother,ive always thought Id find it difficult developing emotions for someone elses child,bringing them out and paying for things for them when they arent mine.Think it stems from seeing a relative get burned emotionally and financially due to the bio father coming back into the kids life.

LegacyUser

Be open-minded.
You may not have seen yourself involved with a single parent but it can change your perspective greatly. Single moms bring the added benefit of the opportunity to love and be loved by a child, and that’s an awesome experience.
There’s a saying about love being the only thing that grows more the more it’s given away. If you don’t already have kids, you can’t imagine how deep a bond can be.

LegacyUser

You never mentioned the word love..I guess if you even have to ask the question you are not in love with her..if you were you would accept her with open arms...my advice is your not ready for this..
Leave her alone and let her find someone who will care for her and her child.
You should be with a woman who's baggage you can accept....

metrovelvet

There is really no clear cut answer to this.

Maybe if you are unsure, you can date her for a little while - but limit this- and then decide. So that you can see if you can handle it. There could be worse circumstances for someone to be in, and it doesnt have to be the huge burden that people can make it out to be, but it does have it's challenges. The biggest one, imo, is that the stakes are higher. If you do get involved, the child will no doubt, get attached to you, and you to the child and if things go belly up you will have a double whammy of a loss on you too.

I dont know how you manage this or how she will manage this, it is huge risk for you and the child.

But you have to ask yourself if she is worth the risk.

dylano_k

You think that ones bad...one of my ex's from a few years ago, who has a kid for someone but is now a single parent, start telling me she wanted me back telling me she loved me and all that....is it bad that i laughed??

mood

I would think twice because I want children of my own some day and think that most men who already have kids won't want any more.

metalgear2k2

No I wouldnt, that would be a deal breaker for me, I dont like kids.

LegacyUser

I would not. I don't want to deal with other people's kids and do everything in my power to avoid having my own. I have found from others' experience it is often more hassle than its worth. One friend summed it up when she said not only are you dealing with the fact they have an ex, but the ex is a current part of their life (access and custody issues, rows about maintenance etc.) and you have to take that on. I know I'd prefer to have a partner I didn't have to share so its a deal-breaker for me. If someone tells me a kid or kids are in the picture, I won't be seeing them again.
I know one woman who is seeing a very high-profile divorced man with three kids, they are living together and she is now preggers-that is just too much past for me, TBH - I prefer my relationships without that much baggage, but to each their own. Too complicated for me and I'm just too selfish for other peoples' little darlings.

metrovelvet

my2cents wrote: »

I would not. I don't want to deal with other people's kids and do everything in my power to avoid having my own. I have found from others' experience it is often more hassle than its worth. One friend summed it up when she said not only are you dealing with the fact they have an ex, but the ex is a current part of their life (access and custody issues, rows about maintenance etc.) and you have to take that on. I know I'd prefer to have a partner I didn't have to share so its a deal-breaker for me. If someone tells me a kid or kids are in the picture, I won't be seeing them again.
I know one woman who is seeing a very high-profile divorced man with three kids, they are living together and she is now preggers-that is just too much past for me, TBH - I prefer my relationships without that much baggage, but to each their own. Too complicated for me and I'm just too selfish for other peoples' little darlings.

Would you date one if you forbid them to have anything to do with their child[ren] and they obeyed you?

mood

metrovelvet wrote: »

Would you date one if you forbid them to have anything to do with their child[ren] and they obeyed you?

What??? Nobody has the right to forbid their partner to see their kids and nobody should expect to be obeyed.

sam34

no. total deal-breaker for me.

i'm not interested in having kids myself and there's no way i want to have anything to do with anyone else's kids.

metrovelvet

mood wrote: »

What??? Nobody has the right to forbid their partner to not see their kids and nobody should expect to be obeyed.

People do a lot of things they dont have the right to do.

racheypachey

I don't think I would cope with it as I'm a selfish person already and wouldnt like the idea of my boyfriend being a father of somebody elses kids, it would wreck my head.

LegacyUser

metrovelvet wrote: »

Would you date one if you forbid them to have anything to do with their child[ren] and they obeyed you?

Like I said, if someone told me they had kids I would not see them as a potential partner for me. I think if you have kids they deserve all your time and attention, they just don't need mine. I know I would not ever tell anyone how to raise their kids or what to do regarding them because I would not be seeing them in the first place. I would not be giving orders like that (think its a crazy and irrelevent question TBH). If I found out after a date or two kids were in the picture, no matter what their great qualities are, they are just not for me.
Just not into kids, the OP was looking for views and mine is that for me its a deal breaker. Metrovelvet, if you're okay with it fair enough but its not for me.

Overheal

minidazzler wrote: »

Just don't spend much time with the child until you know the relationship is solid enough that it might last.

It would be unfair for the kid to develop an attachment to you and then you are suddenly gone from his life when you and the mother split.

Other than that keep going as you are really. If you like her that is.

I think thats called the Jerry MacGuire. Or the other way around.

You know OP I've been asking myself the same question for a couple months now. Maybe its my line of work but every attractive peer-aged girl that walks in, she's either pregnant, or has newborns.

At the end of the day its about what you want for yourself. My life feels a bit boring lately but then again, things are going really well for me, considering I finally just crawled out of the mess I got into because I got caught up in relationship drama. You have to ask yourself first, do you really want to take on the inherent drama of a relationship? Then you have to ask yourself if you want to take on the drama of two relationships: The one you're having and the one she probably just got out of.

If she has her sh*t together and you know what the story is, by all means consider it. Don't go diving in before you have an idea of how deep the water is though.

I'm no single mother obviously but I can't honestly imagine One that is into the idea of casual dating without the end goal for her being to commit to a lasting relationship. You can't just tell her you don't want a serious relationship; and you can't tell her you do, unless you can actually mean it. Frankly that wouldn't be fair to her, or her kids.

Of course the other interesting facet of this is look at the responses on this thread: the amount of lads who consider it a dealbreaker - or in other words, the lads who have no problem f*cking around, are the kind of people that these girls associate with, and are probably indirectly if not directly responsible for most of these single mothers. That they wont have anything to do with. The players have all become victims of their own excess it seems.

metrovelvet

Overheal wrote: »

Of course the other interesting facet of this is look at the responses on this thread: the amount of lads who consider it a dealbreaker - or in other words, the lads who have no problem f*cking around, are the kind of people that these girls associate with, and are probably indirectly if not directly responsible for most of these single mothers. That they wont have anything to do with. The players have all become victims of their own excess it seems.

Bingo.

metrovelvet

my2cents wrote: »

Like I said, if someone told me they had kids I would not see them as a potential partner for me. I think if you have kids they deserve all your time and attention, they just don't need mine. I know I would not ever tell anyone how to raise their kids or what to do regarding them because I would not be seeing them in the first place. I would not be giving orders like that (think its a crazy and irrelevent question TBH). If I found out after a date or two kids were in the picture, no matter what their great qualities are, they are just not for me.
Just not into kids, the OP was looking for views and mine is that for me its a deal breaker. Metrovelvet, if you're okay with it fair enough but its not for me.

Sorry I probably should not have picked out your post specifically, I didnt mean to pick on you, it just encapsualted the sentiments I was questioning.

I threw my question out there just to see if this was the kind of thing people who didnt want to date single parents would accept or demand if they found themselves wanting to be with one.

martdalto

For all who ar saying "No, way wouldn't do it, wouldn't take on all the extra baggage etc"

Imagine a few years down the line...

You're in a relationship, possibly even married. You know this is the real deal, and (SHOCK) even decide you'd love to have children with this person... (It does happen, you know!)

And then something goes wrong. The relationship ends, and you go your seperate ways, but the kids are still there.. obviously (And this DOES happen too, you know!)

Would you like to be left single forever, because people just automatically ruled you out because you had children?

seahorse

metrovelvet wrote: »

Would you date one if you forbid them to have anything to do with their child[ren] and they obeyed you?

A man who'd be prepared to ignore his own children at my behest or for any other reason would be presenting about the biggest turn-off I could think of. Also, as a parent myself, any man who tried to coerce me to have nothing to do with my own child would be very promptly shown the door, and I'd probably throw a boot into his arse on the way out.

I know it happens, but I can't fathom the mindset of any woman who encourages a man to abandon his own kids. Don't they feel sickened by the knowledge that if he'll do that to the children he's had with another woman he's capable of doing it to the children he'll have with her??? There are some strange people in this world...

metrovelvet

seahorse wrote: »

A man who'd be prepared to ignore his own children at my behest or for any other reason would be presenting about the biggest turn-off I could think of. Also, as a parent myself, any man who tried to coerce me to have nothing to do with my own child would be very promptly shown the door, and I'd probably throw a boot into his arse on the way out.

I know it happens, but I can't fathom the mindset of any woman who encourages a man to abandon his own kids. Don't they feel sickened by the knowledge that if he'll do that to the children he's had with another woman he's capable of doing it to the children he'll have with her??? There are some strange people in this world...

I think it comes down to sibling rivarly sometimes. They don't want to compete with the child for attention and maybe for provision.

greengirl31

I think if some people - men and women - don't want children of their own they're hardly going to want to take on someone elses. and a parent would spot this too and that would be a deal breaker for them ... it's not all about the childless person in the "relationship"
I'm a single parent and I am in no way looking for a father for my child. However, I find that now i'm in my 30's people expect "baggage" from someone they meent so the subject of children tends to come up fairly early - I try not to bring it up but if I'm asked I won't lie.
It's been said before but single parents are people and individuals first and parents after that ... I will always put my child first and I won't apologise to anyone for that. and if they don't like that or can't handel it well then it wasn't ment to be ...
I think if the OP even has to ask the question he's not ready and he should even consider the possibility that the new GF might not want him ... just cause he has no kids doesn't make him the catch of the day !!!