Am I just incapable of monogamy?

LegacyUser

What the hell is wrong with me? :-(

I'm a gay guy, early twenties, and in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful boyfriend [my first LTR]. He's so kind and such a great guy, and I'm very attracted to him. We have a good sex life, very loving and fulfilling. We're a very wholesome couple.

Recently, I haven't been feeling as much for him, that might just be me having a down spell, or maybe things are starting to fade, I dunno.

The biggest problem, though, is that I have a compulsive wandering eye, and am so afraid of my own compulsive tendency towards cheating. It just seems to resurface every few months. I'll have a spell of having slightly lost interest in him, then I'll find myself thinking about random hookups with other men, then start chatting on gaydar, having dirty conversations about meeting up for casual sex. I know that I won't do it in the end [out of respect for my boyfriend] and it never goes anywhere, but I've done some other less-than-savoury stuff.

Instances of note:

A few months back, I was wandering through town, and found myself hitting a cottaging spot [public toilets frequented by gay men]. I walked up to a urinal beside a guy who was ****, and started doing it myself. As he reached over for me, I realised what I was doing and got the hell out of there. I felt horribly guilty after that, and it made me put my relationship in perspective, and I felt like I'd learned my lesson.

But a few days ago [again in a spell of lack of interest], I was chatting to a friend online [who has his own xtube page], and we ended up on webcam in front of each other. I've no romantic interest in this guy, and would find him less attractive than my boyfriend, but I think it's the fact that he's "new" and "different" that made me do it.

Let me reiterate: I find my boyfriend very attractive.

How ****ed up is that?

I wouldn't want to tell him, as he'd only blame himself [his self-esteem isn't great], even though it's not his fault at all, it's mine. I feel horribly guilty, though, and I feel like I should just break it off. He deserves someone better, who'll be as faithful as he is [I know HE'D never do this sort of ****]. Is it only a matter of time before I go all the way and cheat? Is there any way to get a handle on this behaviour? Am I just not mature enough for him? I KNOW what I have is amazing, and I appreciate it. I love him, but I seem to be trying to sabotage this for some reason.

Argh. I'm totally messed up about this. :-(

shellyboo

You say your sex life is loving and fulfilling - is it possible that it's not exactly exciting? You also said "wholesome"... I'm monogamous to the core, but if wholesome e was a word I could use to describe my sex life, I think my eye would be wandering too.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that element of excitement and danger and almost seediness in your sex life, you just have to find a way to find that with your partner. I really don't get cheating vibes from you, I genuinely think you just sou d a bit bored. Try kickstarting the sex with your partner and see if it refocuses your mind.

Sir Ophiuchus

You obviously respect your partner, which is what's important in my eyes. After all, you've had plenty opportunity to cheat on him but you haven't, because he matters to you.

So what you need to do is either what shellyboo suggested and try to spice up your sex life with your partner, or (and I would only recommend this if you think your partner would be open to the idea) have a talk with him and suggest opening up the relationship a bit, giving you both a chance to "play around" sexually without breaching trust or emotionally betraying one another.

Smyth

You don't get the cheating vibe?
You obviously respect your partner.

Am I hearing this tripe correctly?

The man, openly masterbates beside another in a public urinal...in full open view - but only stopping once he comes close to his penis.

I'm going to assume the video chat via x-chat wasn't innocent either (correct me if i'm wrong)

So tell me, where's the respect and monogamy here?

It's ****ing not. The first one alone is a serious breach of trust and respect - and if I were the other guy OP, you'd be out on your ****in ear.

If you like this guy, zip and wise the **** up.