Finding it very hard to be supportive of good friend

LegacyUser

One of my best friends just told me she is pregnant. It was planned too. Neither her nor her partner have worked for years, they get the rent paid for them, and all other social welfare that they are entitled too (everything as far as I can make out)

We are the same age, and both are ready and want to start families. I can't as there is no way I could afford it, myself & my partner both work just enough to pay rent & enjoy ourselves a bit...

So I am finding it very very hard to be happy and supportive for her. I really think it might ruin our friendship as I am very jealous & angry at the same time. People like me who work are effectively allowing her & her partner to not work and get pregnant.

And, its not just because of the recession that they cant get a job, neither of them have worked for years and her partner has just picked up very casual cashinhand jobs as a carpenter a time or two.

So I guess im just trying to figure out how I can get over this? I cant tell her or talk to her about it, and I dont want it to ruin our friendship but Im finding it very hard.

lolli

Op,

If you were a true friend to this girl you would support her. There are many people out there who have things that we want but that doesn't give us the right to be jealous and unsupportive. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and some people who I thought were my best friends have back away. That hurts like hell.

I know it may be unfair that you currently aren't in a position to be a mother but why take it out on your friend and ruin her joy of becoming a mother?

Chinafoot

jealous & angry wrote: »

We are the same age, and both are ready and want to start families. I can't as there is no way I could afford it, myself & my partner both work just enough to pay rent & enjoy ourselves a bit...

This is the main issue you have as far as I can see. You're jealous, plain and simple. You resent her for moving forward and starting a family while you feel you can't financially. The social welfare aspect is a side issue (lets face it..if your friend living on the social really bothered you why would you still be her friend?) and is quite frankly none of your business.

I don't know how many times i've heard people say "there's no right time to have a baby." If you and your partner do want to start a family then do it. Sacrifice the social life for a while. She'll need your support now more than ever and if you value her friendship you'll be there for her.

thefeatheredcat

It sounds more like you're more upset with the difference of life choices that you and your best friend made... and that what you want she gets without effort.

Banish the jealously away - it's normal that you may almost resent her getting pregnant because that's what you want, but you've faced up to the reality of your financial means. Raising a child is not cheap and certainly not easy which requires a lot of commitment and responsibility.

To answer your question - you should support her and be happy for her. I'm sure if it was you that was pregnant she'd be supportive of you and be happy for you (you're best friends afterall).

Look at it as something you will have to look forward to in the future and you'll get to experience the reality close at hand should you stay friends too. Should you get pregnant you may find yourself looking to her for advice and guidance.

miec

We are the same age, and both are ready and want to start families. I can't as there is no way I could afford it, myself & my partner both work just enough to pay rent & enjoy ourselves a bit...

Hi Op

As others have stated, your friend has made one choice and you have as stated above, made another choice. It is up to you whether you want a child more or to enjoy yourself more. There is never a right time financially to have a child but maybe you need more time to do other things before having a family, but know you are making a choice.

Azureus

I actually really see where youre coming from on this one! Ive had a few friends get pergnant living on the nothing but the welfare for years, and screwing the system every which-way to get more, while I wear myself out and work long hours/go to college. Its almost like 'whats the point on trying to do things right, when its so much easier to do otherwise/get handouts', and my issue is definately not jealousy as Ive no desire to get pregnant.
However, this is her lifestyle choice, not yours and you must stick by that. If you wanted you could choose to do what she does, but you dont and be proud of that. Dont let her make you resentful. Your time will come.

LegacyUser

Sorry if this sounds harsh but:

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

It sounds more like you're more upset with the difference of life choices that you and your best friend made... and that what you want she gets without effort.

I am trying to understand how anyone can call living on welfare with no apparent desire to work "a life choice"? I would be angry too, that taxpayers are funding this choice.

Raising a child is not cheap and certainly not easy which requires a lot of commitment and responsibility.

Commitment and responsibility? Two things the friends have not demonstrated that they possess; they have yet to take responsibility for themselves and commit to employment.

OP, it sounds as though your friends' "life choices" have been bothering you for while. IMO, I wouldn't have much respect for such folk. Aside from this though, is the rest of the friendship strong?

lolli

Life choices? wrote: »

Sorry if this sounds harsh but:


I am trying to understand how anyone can call living on welfare with no apparent desire to work "a life choice"? I would be angry too, that taxpayers are funding this choice.


Commitment and responsibility? Two things the friends have not demonstrated that they possess; they have yet to take responsibility for themselves and commit to employment.

OP, it sounds as though your friends' "life choices" have been bothering you for while. IMO, I wouldn't have much respect for such folk. Aside from this though, is the rest of the friendship strong?

In fairness the op says hes working sometimes. Shes making it sound like hes still claiming the dole while hes working. How does she know that? Is she standing in the dole queue with him every month/week. I know plenty of people who are working part time and handing in their hours every week to the dole office. How do we know hes not doing that?

Its hard for people to find work at the moment. I am totally against people milking the system but in fairness at the moment most people need the help that they are getting.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies...

I had my friend & her partner round for dinner last night, first time I have seen her since she told me she is pregnant. She is really happy, and I am happy for her. Its the happiest I have seen her in years.

Just to answer a couple of questions... I was jealous. I know that. And I do know neither them have worked for years, and I do know that he has done one or two carpentry jobs in the last 3 or 4 years, cash in hand. I am simply jealous that she can choose this and doesnt have to worry about where the money is coming from. She is on the list for a house now, & is fairly sure she will get once once she delivers (her current flat is totally unsuitable for a baby, the welfare people can't miss that, and I wouldnt want her staying where she is cause even I know its totally unsuitable)

When I said I work to earn enough to enjoy myself a bit.... I would like to clarify that really is just a bit. Its not like Im living the high life and am choosing to enjoy myself rather than spend the money on a baby. I just know that I am simply not in the position to have a baby, and the main reason is simply financial. We have problems finding the money to pay the rent, had to talk to our landlord to reduce our rent when my partner's job went down to 3 days a week etc.

So yes, Im as jealous as hell, I do not support her choice, but I will never be asked that, and I will be supportive of her as a friend. I am looking forward to her having the baby as she has wanted this for a long time and I have never seen her so happy.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I admire you self awareness in admitting you feel jealous of your friend this is a healthy attitude to have because you can work through your feelings when you express them, and you sound like you are doing that rather than lashing out at her, i think you a a very good friend to her because you sound like you support her even though you do not agree with her lifestyle.

I totally understand where you are coming from, if it is any consolation you have nothing to be jealous about, if they are on the dole and living this way then it is their loss at the end of the day,

Children do what they see and not what they are told, you would make healthier parents to your children because you will be better role models, you should be proud of yourself and realize that you are thinking of your children's future by being conscious of what they will be born into, dont feel impatient about wanting kids i know its corney but be in the present moment, love being your current age and all the great things about it, you have your head screwed on so you will have a baby when the time is right for you.


Sometimes we grow out of friends which i a natural thing, you might be growing into different people, best of luck anyway xxx

seahorse

jealous & angry wrote: »

She is on the list for a house now, & is fairly sure she will get once once she delivers

Lol, I think you should be wishing her the best of luck - I know several girls who've been housed by the councils. They all have one thing in common: They each had to wait beween eight and twelve years!