New Material.

rockmongrel

Hey all, first thread here and need a bit of critiquing on some lyrics if you don't mind I've been listening to a lot of Kimya Dawson and other anti-folk recently so that's had quite a bit of influence as you can probably tell. Anyway, here we go.

________

I'm at a party of a person
That I haven't seen in years
I'm thinking to myself
were we friends or were we peers

But I disregard the thought
and I open up my wine
Promising myself that
I'll try have a good time

But these people are so different
with their trends and with their tells
There is music on the stereo
which makes me want to kill myself

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Then I see a guy that I knew
from secondary school
I remember him an asshole
I remember him a tool

I try to skulk away
But I knock over a glass
I pick up all the fragments
and I run away real fast

*whistle*

And the boys are over there
laughing at me with glee
while the girls they look away
orange face of apathy

And the girls over there
they all think I am a joke
while the boys just sit around
drinking jack daniels and coke

But I say **** you to them
and I turn around and leave
get home turn on my stereo
and listen to Lou reed

lalalalalalala

And I think I am the better
that we don't get along
Sticking with my true friends
And writing silly songs

____

I'm just a bit worried with the ending, that's the only part I'm not very happy with yet...

donkeypop

Anti-folk seems to me to be about humour, sarcasm, neurosis, and most of all disaffection. I get what your song is about, but it appears on first reading to be too earnest and straightforward to fall into that category. You need some more drama, some more humour, and to find your own way of saying things (easier said than done, I admit)

For instance, look at the first lyrics of the song "lucky number nine" (Moldy Peaches)

Indie boys are neurotic,
makes my eyes bleed,
tight black pants exotic,
some loving is what i need.
But hey I'm startin to feel okay.
Lucky number nine. hooray

Taking your idea, and aiming for anti-folk, I would do it like this:

Johnny had a party
His party was death
They were playing Pro evo
I wish I never went

And You! You!
You left me here to die
With the lollipop girls
lit up like traffic lights

And I tried, I tried
but I can't anaesthetise
cos Johnny's still tight
And There ain't enough wine

The Killers! The Killers!
If only that were true
I'd kill everyone in Sam's Town
I'd kill 'em all for you.

And then I'd whistle:
*whistle*

So Give me Lou Reed, Frank Black,
Give me The Rollin' Stones,
Give me some money
for my taxi ride home.

Cos I got myself surrounded
by Johnny's dead friends
I had fight my own way out
I'm not going back again

Cos that way lies death
Just another dead end.
and I'll eat my own head
before I ever go again