gf thinks im not muscley enough

LegacyUser

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

minidazzler

If she leaves you because you are not Muscly enough then Good Riddance TBH.

If she said she liked a guy to be fit and healthy fair enough, but she just wants you muscly?

However if you are excessively flabby I would be inclined to agree somewhat with her, but she should force you to become Body Builder muscly.

Liam Byrne

Do you look more-or-less like you looked when ye met up ?

If so, give her the boot.

Darthhoob

never change your look to suit someone else, do it for yourself if you want or if you need to for health reasons. but if she doesn't like you not being muscly tell her to do one....

not all women love muscles, i'm not keen on them tbh...my arms are bigger than my OH's LOL

Sir Ophiuchus

The main issue I see here is that you and your girlfriend aren't communicating effectively.

Is she trying to say "Muscle up or I'll leave you" or "Wow, muscles are really hot"? Does she know about your body issues? If not, why haven't you told her? Do you feel you could say "Look, I know you don't mean them to, but your comments about how I need to get more toned are making me feel very awkward and self-conscious, which is something I have a problem with anyway"?

If not, why not? Your statement that if you "tell her to back off" then you're afraid she'll leave you is worrying. Is that because you think she'll only want you if you're more muscular, or because she'd hate for you to stand up to her over this?

You say you might use this as an incentive. As you report it, the way she put her wish that you were more muscular was the absolute worst kind of incentive. A good way to say something like that might be "Hey John ... I was wondering, I'm planning to start going to the gym more but I hate to go on my own. Would you come with me? Make it a couple-thing? I'd really appreciate the confidence boost - plus I keep imagining you all ripped from the gym and it's so sexy...." Any boyfriend who doesn't get the message there wouldn't notice being hit with a mallet!

Compare that to "God, I wish you were fitter", or "Wow, you'd be much hotter if you were more muscular", or even "Wow, muscular guys are so hot, aren't they? *meaningful look*", which seems to be your girlfriend's style of communication.

Of course, I'm talking to you, not your girlfriend. Feeling pressured to work out more will not help your body issues; even if you do work out more it'll be for all the wrong reasons. What I suggest you do is talk to her like I suggested and explain to her that she's making you feel uncomfortable with these comments.

Any girl who dumps you because you're not muscular enough for her is not someone you'd want to be with (why did she go out with you then?).

Any girl who dumps you for asking her not to play on your insecurities is doing you the biggest favour of your life.

Abi

unregistered wrote: »

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

Theres three ports of call here;

1) Ditch insensitive girlfriend

2) If its something that is bothering you, take up a hobby that will help tone your frame in order to build your confidence, for you - not her.

3) Find a nicer girlfriend.

Anima

She'd want to be in excellant shape to come out with that gem.

If you look basically the same as when you first met then she can't really tell you to change now. If its that important for her then why did she go out in the first place?

Unless you've put on some serious weight and its her way of saying it nicely. "you should gain some muscle", sounds a lot nicer than, "you need to lose weight fatty"...

Bottle_of_Smoke

You should shape up. She has every right to be physically attracted to her boyfriend. Its good for you to have more muscle tool.

G-Money

Show her how muscly you are by throwing her out and not taking her back.

In fairness, if a girl posted on her that her boyfriend said she was fat or needed to lose weight or tone up, the pitch forks would be out for him. Also is she perfect herself? No-one is and I'm sure a lot of people could do with losing a few lbs here and there.

Like others have said if you look the same as you do when you met, then she should get lost. If you've put on about 10 stone or something then she might have a point, but even then, it should be handled delicately. Some women think they have the monopoly on feeling insecure or unhappy with their bodies. Well they don't. You wouldn't believe the amount of guys who are unhappy with themselves.

But getting back to the main point. If you look the same or even have put on a few lbs since you met, then she's being a bit of a b****h I think. Also, she'd need to have the body of a supermodel herself in order to come out with a statement like that. I'm going to take a guess and say she doesn't.

Tell her about your issues and see how she responds. If she's not more sensitive and genuinely sorry, don't feel bad when you ditch her. Her going away present can be a mirror

Good luck.

ash23

Everyone has a right to be attracted to the person they are with, but unless you used to be muscly and have let yourself go, then you are what you are.

I'm overweight by a couple of stone. But I'm happy enough at this weight. I like my food and I like my wine and deprivation doesn't become me

So if I met a guy now and we started going out and in 6 months he said to me he'd like me to tone up I'd tell him to f off.
If I was a size 10 and had a washboard stomach, met someone, put on a few stone and gave up the gym, then I could see their point, particularly if they were into fitness themselves.

You have a few choices.
Muscle up.
Stay the way you are and dump her.
Stay the way you are and keep listening to her go on about muscling up.

Your call. I know which one I'd pick (now, where's that bar of galaxy?:P)

krudler

Tell her you prefer 6 foot Swedish blonde lingerie models with prefect boobs and an ass you could set your watch to, watch her change her tune then

If its a case that you are overweight and she'd like you to tone up then fair enough, but if you look the way you did when you met her then I'd ditch her as fast as I could

opinion guy

unregistered wrote: »

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

Hmm well certainly her way of putting it is quite self-involved. I think you should let it be known your not impressed with that and that you have had image issues in the past. As to whether you wish to work out more or not?

Well let me put it this way - do YOU feel like you should be more muscly? Do YOU want to work out more? If the answers are yes then I'd say use her desire as an extra motivation yes, if the answers are no I'd say don't.

I mean me personally, I'd like to be fitter, a little trimmer and a little more built, but I find it takes a little female prodding to actually get me to go do that (although I do much prefer to FEEL fitter and a little stronger than to feel unfit and flabby - that on its own sometimes is not quite enough....:D) I realise its not the most popular viewpoint, but I'm kinda of the mind that there's nothing particular wrong about one half asking the other to do something to be a little more attractive to them, such as working out (not to mention its good for you), but i do think how you one does the asking is very important

G-Money

If you feel like you need to lose weight or whatever, then do, but only do it for yourself.

Actually I'd be spiteful enough to get in shape and let her think she will get to enjoy that. Then once you do get into good shape, ditch her for someone else.

Gyalist

unregistered wrote: »

Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

Whatever about your girlfriend's comments, she will never respect you if the only thing keeping you together is your fear of losing her.

e04bf099

<Rant>

Ditch the B%&$h!

I had issues like that when I was in my mid-late teens. I worked out excessively (4 times a week, 8 mile runs) but couldn't put on weight, no matter what I ate or what I did. I was on the verge of taking creotine or weight-gain of some sort. When I was 19 I copped onto myself and realised that it was all bull****. I can't explain the motivations of my change of heart (or I'd be here all day) but you have to make sure those issues in yourself get dealth with sooner rather than later. Feeling insecure in your body is VERY unhealthy, even if it is quite normal these days. It doesn't have to be like that though. There is no perfect shape or size, and as long as you eat lots of veg, get your fibre in the morning and fit as much walking as possible into your daily routine, then you'll be as healthy as you're ever likely to get. Whatever size you end up at after that is just a physiological accident and nobody has the right to say you "should" be any other way. Trust me when I say, there are lots of women out there that would not give a s£&t about muscles as long as you're healthy.

That leads me onto what other people have said here. People have actually said that if somebodies physical appearance changed after you got together then you have the "right" to tell them about it. Where the f£&k are people getting this s!%t? A Person's appearance, especially women's, changes over time. It can happen naturally and be perfectly healthy, or it can be through mild depression breeding neglect, or just gluttony. Either way, to mention appearance for a partner for appearances sake is cruel, tactless, naive, perverse, abusive, hurtful, vain, superficial and rotten all round, no matter what the reason for the change. If one was concerned about the health of the partner then that would be totally different. But nobody has the "right" to find their patners attactive. Conversely, everyone has the responsibility to try to help the partner's issue at it's root before bailing. Granted, sometimes there just isn't any helping someone.

</Rant>

Darthhoob

unregistered wrote: »

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

i wonder how she will feel if you told her you prefer women with bigger boobs or a smaller waist

it sounds to me like she just wants you to look like what she wants, a trophy boyfriend...rather than you needed to get fit as you're unhealthy or something.

bSlick

e04bf099 wrote: »

I had issues like that when I was in my mid-late teens. I worked out excessively (4 times a week, 8 mile runs) but couldn't put on weight, no matter what I ate or what I did. When I was 19 I copped onto myself and realised that it was all bull****.

Eh, what's bull**** was your training regime that was based on using running to gain weight. You ran 8 miles 4 times a week. Running or cardio in general doesn't put weight on you. It burns fat/muscle and tones you up. The last thing someone who wants to put on weight should be doing is going for 8 mile runs several times a week. If you had've hit the weights 3 or 4 times a week instead you would've increased your weight.

Wagon

unregistered wrote: »

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

Yep. If you are pretty much the same as you were when you first met, and now she's bringing this up then tell her she can **** herself. In those words exactly.

e04bf099

bSlick wrote: »

Eh, what's bull**** was your training regime that was based on using running to gain weight. You ran 8 miles 4 times a week. Running or cardio in general doesn't put weight on you. It burns fat/muscle and tones you up. The last thing someone who wants to put on weight should be doing is going for 8 mile runs several times a week. If you had've hit the weights 3 or 4 times a week instead you would've increased your weight.

I didn't run to gain weight. That was just so I could keep fit for football. I usually ran about a half hour up to the gym and used a few different machines in sets of ten for a couple of hours (3 or 4 times a week), then finishing off with the free weights. I ran 8 miles with my cousin every couple of weeks. Not as a regime, but more as a bonding session.

That is totally irrelevent though, I don't know if you were trying to catch me out or something because my attempts to gain weight are way off topic.

herya

unregistered wrote: »

My gf has been complaining that Im not muscley enough. She keeps telling me I need to get more toned up and that she prefers a guy whos muscley. I found myself a bit offended by it. I have had problems accepting my appearance in the past and this is kind of bringing those feelings back. Should I use it as an incentive to work out more? Im afraid if I tell her to back off she might leave me any advice??

Are you overweight by any chance? Maybe it's her "delicate" way of getting you to work out to lose weight but she doesn't want to tell it straight? Not that it's a good way to tell it anyway, but still a step up from "you're too fat" as some people would say.