My ex is causing trouble for me!

LegacyUser

Hey,

I really need some advice, basically I split up with my ex of 3 years, VERY long story which I will try not to go into about but he ended it with me and I was heartbroken, I thought I would never get over it and I would cry every single day for about 3 months afterwards, I then met another lad and started seeing him which was more of a rebound thing for me than it was for him, I knew he had fallen for me but I just wasnt feeling it. My ex saw that I was starting to move on and then decided that he wanted me back, I was really confused, my ex treated me like dirt and I took it all cos I loved him and wanted to make him happy, I ended up sleeping with him a couple of times whilst I was still with the other lad which I know is awful and the other lad (lets call him Bob) Bob is mad about me, I've never been with anyone that has loved me this much and treated me this good before, but I just couldnt say no to my ex, I thought he was the one.

Heres the bigger problem... Im pregant.. Im 90% sure that the baby is Bob's and he was delighted about it, I told my ex and he wanted me to get an abortion. Treated me really badly, anyways I told both of them what happened,everything! Bob still wanted to be with me and I tried to cut my ex out of my life. We were all happy to accept that the baby was Bob's and since then myself and Bob have been getting ready for the baby and I realise now I love Bob so much, he's the best thing ever to happen to me. I'd be so scared to lose him.

The thing is, my ex has started to text me saying that he has changed completely now and does cry on the phone to me begging me to take him back and that he will be different this time and how he will take care of the baby even if its not his and he's so so sorry for everything that happenend before. I do believe how sorry he is and how much he regrets everything, I feel bad for him cos he is now in the same situation as I was when he broke up with me and is now getting depressed but this time he has to contend with me being with someone else and having their baby, I know it must be awful for him and I cant help feeling sorry for him. Bob gets really angry with me for this but I cant help it, we were together for a long time and been through so much, I feel like I cant turn my back on him. One night he turned up at my work in a right state and begged me to talk to him, we went to my flat and im so ashamed to say it but I slept with him, part of me done it to try make him feel better, I realise I dont love him anymore and I told him this, I should never have done it, I hate myself for doing it but now he is threatening to tell Bob unless i take him back....

Im so scared he will ruin things for me and i know he will, I cant tell Bob, I just cant, Not after last time he will leave me for good and I want us so much to be a happy family.

I should also mention that Bob and my ex were good friends before all this happened and they are now not talking and its caused a bit of atmosphere in the town because they are both popular and no one wants to take sides. My ex feels like everything has been ruined with his mates and with his love life and that he has nothing to lose if he does tell Bob..

I know what I have done is wrong, please any advice would be much appreciated...

minidazzler

Stop getting letting your ex contact you.

He has not changed in however many weeks, he is just a twat.

You seem happy with bob, well tell your ex to fcuk off because he is nothing but a manipulator. He will treat you the same as he always has and won't care for the child at all.

Tell bob what happened, if he leaves you then in fairness you deserve it. But he mightn't, telll him you are cutting contact with your ex and stick to it. DO NOT CONTACT or Let your ex contact you!!!

Get his number blocked from accessing you if you have to.

He is a parasite and you need to stop feeding him.

shellyboo

Oh dear, OP, what a mess.

unregistered wrote: »

I feel bad for him cos he is now in the same situation as I was when he broke up with me and is now getting depressed but this time he has to contend with me being with someone else and having their baby, I know it must be awful for him and I cant help feeling sorry for him.

This is a complete betrayal of your partner. You told him you would cut contact with the guy you cheated on him with - and instead you're listening to his bullshlt and feeling sorry for him? You're lucky Bob didn't leave you over this.

The ONLY thing you can do now is to completely and utterly cut contact with your ex. Get a new phone number so he can't contact you, delete his email, Facebook, whatever you need to do to get this guy out of your life.

He doesn't love you, he doesn't want you back - he just wants to know that he can have you. I'd bet you a million euro that once he has you back he'll go back to treating you like crap, because he knows you'll put up with it.


Cut him out of your life totally and PRAY he doesn't tell Bob what you've done.

can i be frank

unregistered wrote: »

Hey,

I really need some advice, basically I split up with my ex of 3 years, VERY long story which I will try not to go into about but he ended it with me and I was heartbroken, I thought I would never get over it and I would cry every single day for about 3 months afterwards, I then met another lad and started seeing him which was more of a rebound thing for me than it was for him, I knew he had fallen for me but I just wasnt feeling it. My ex saw that I was starting to move on and then decided that he wanted me back, I was really confused, my ex treated me like dirt and I took it all cos I loved him and wanted to make him happy, I ended up sleeping with him a couple of times whilst I was still with the other lad which I know is awful and the other lad (lets call him Bob) Bob is mad about me, I've never been with anyone that has loved me this much and treated me this good before, but I just couldnt say no to my ex, I thought he was the one.

Heres the bigger problem... Im pregant.. Im 90% sure that the baby is Bob's and he was delighted about it, I told my ex and he wanted me to get an abortion. Treated me really badly, anyways I told both of them what happened,everything! Bob still wanted to be with me and I tried to cut my ex out of my life. We were all happy to accept that the baby was Bob's and since then myself and Bob have been getting ready for the baby and I realise now I love Bob so much, he's the best thing ever to happen to me. I'd be so scared to lose him.

The thing is, my ex has started to text me saying that he has changed completely now and does cry on the phone to me begging me to take him back and that he will be different this time and how he will take care of the baby even if its not his and he's so so sorry for everything that happenend before. I do believe how sorry he is and how much he regrets everything, I feel bad for him cos he is now in the same situation as I was when he broke up with me and is now getting depressed but this time he has to contend with me being with someone else and having their baby, I know it must be awful for him and I cant help feeling sorry for him. Bob gets really angry with me for this but I cant help it, we were together for a long time and been through so much, I feel like I cant turn my back on him. One night he turned up at my work in a right state and begged me to talk to him, we went to my flat and im so ashamed to say it but I slept with him, part of me done it to try make him feel better, I realise I dont love him anymore and I told him this, I should never have done it, I hate myself for doing it but now he is threatening to tell Bob unless i take him back....

Im so scared he will ruin things for me and i know he will, I cant tell Bob, I just cant, Not after last time he will leave me for good and I want us so much to be a happy family.

I should also mention that Bob and my ex were good friends before all this happened and they are now not talking and its caused a bit of atmosphere in the town because they are both popular and no one wants to take sides. My ex feels like everything has been ruined with his mates and with his love life and that he has nothing to lose if he does tell Bob..

I know what I have done is wrong, please any advice would be much appreciated...

well you should tell bob, and what a ****ing cheek of your ex telling you to get an abortion

kenbrady

My ex is causing trouble for me! I caused trouble for myself!

I'm afraid you need to tell Bob the truth, because your ex sounds like a lowlife and I'd say he will tell Bob just to make your life hell.

John Mason

tbh you are causing all the trouble not your ex

you are the one doing all the cheating not your ex.

you need to cut all contact with the ex,change your phone number, and refuse to talk him if he approaches you.

you need to tell your bf that you cheated on him, again. his has been more then fair to you, he deserve to be respected and not dissed. your ex is going to tell him anyway, so it will be better coming from you

All I see from your post is YOU causing YOURSELF problems. You decided to sleep with your ex, even though you were with someone else (and being 'hurt and confused' is no excuse). You decided not to tell your boyfriend. Your ex is making things awkward for you, yes, but at the end of the day, he wouldn't have anything to blackmail you with if you hadn't done anything wrong. Take some responsibility for your actions! Tell your bf the whole story (it will hurt less coming from you) and let him decide whether or not he wants to stay with you. Ignore your ex. Once you tell your bf the truth, he'll have no power over you.

daisybelle2008

Heres what I would do, turn it back on your ex and tell him if he tells your boyfriend you will 100% never get back with him. That will shut him up. He is not going to tell Bob and lose any chance. He will eventually move on and you have bought some time. Cut all contact him and tell him you will contact him once he has proved he can behave and keep his mouth shut (basically never). The little **** will move on and you can enjoy your family.
BTW he is a real piece of work (surprising you spent 3 years with him and did not notice this). But that is in the past, so is the fact you slept with him therefore I would not tell Bob, it is in the past and with a baby on the way it will give him unnecessary anxiety, he has been through enough. You should be making his life as happy and stressfree as possible

LegacyUser

tell bob...the fact that uv cheated on him again may spell the end and thus leave the path open to u and ur ex reuniting though.... but it'll be worse if he hears it from ur ex...i think even reading this post might make bob see how genuine u are even if u keep letting ur ex walk all over u.

i think bob loves u and u love bob, clearly from ur post this is the right path for u!!!

i have ben thru a situation where the ex treated me badly and kept coming back and kept repeating the same mistakes... i still love her though so thers no easy way around getting over that...ur lucky u found someone like bob that truely loves u!!!!

Wagon

unregistered wrote: »

I do believe how sorry he is and how much he regrets everything, I feel bad for him cos he is now in the same situation as I was when he broke up with me and is now getting depressed but this time he has to contend with me being with someone else and having their baby, I know it must be awful for him and I cant help feeling sorry for him.

This is the part where i really have no sympathy for you. Why the hell should you give a crap about an ex that treated you like ****e? Because you aren't muc better and love some drama. Here's some more proof...

One night he turned up at my work in a right state and begged me to talk to him, we went to my flat and im so ashamed to say it but I slept with him, part of me done it to try make him feel better

That is just completely stupid. Really really thick. Sorry but this has to be said.

I'd tell Bob what happened because he has the right to decide what he wants, not you. Your ex didnt cause these problems, you did. You can easily say no to your ex but you didn't bother your arse. And who's getting hurt most in all this? 'Bob' is. And i dont care what you say, that is just ****e. He deserves the chance to decide again what he wants.

opinion guy

Sigh ok. Right. OP just to warn you the tone of my post is going to be harsh but fair. Ok - cause I had a good think about this whilst I went to the shops and I think you need straight talking to more than anything right now.

First things first. You need to STOP allowing your ex (hmmm lets call him DICKhead) weasel his way into the situation and your pants. You should not be feeling sorry for him - he's treated you like crap - he even tried to push you into abortion.

Second. There's one person I've not seen mentioned yet in this thread. Your BABY. Ok you need to SERIOUSLY consider that everything you are doing now might one day affect your baby. You never know when this type of stuff might come up (for example - medical reasons 30 years from now). If it does come up you are going to want to be able to look you child in the eye and say, this is the story and I did my absolute best for you. Because trust me if you think its difficult dealing with the two men, it will be NOTHING compared to dealing with a wounded child out of this - I mean this is the sort if not handled right can screw up a kid longterm. Fair enough ?

Bearing that in mind. I think you do need to tell Bob what happened. I didn't think this at first, but as I said - you never know when things might rear their ugly head in future. Once poor old Bob gets over the shock - IF he gets over the shock, I think you need to sit them both down together (if they can do that without physically fighting, bring your parents or a friend if you must) and - say look, guys, whatever about our issues we need to put this baby first. Me, personally I would advise you get a paternity test once the kid is born - mainly because I think the child if noone else has a right to know who his/her father is - again you don't want to be explaining years down the line ----o actually thats not your daddy. Whatever about which guy you end up with, if any, I think you need to get them to agree to the paternity test and for you all to agree ahead of time how it will be handled, cause trust me you do NOT want there to be issues/scwabbling as the child is growing up, NONE of you want that. I think this especially important because Dick seems like a 5 year old himself and he needs to be treated as such to keep him in line.

As regards the guys - you need to completely cut off Dick till he starts acting like a grownup, bar discussion about what will happen regards paternity etc. With poor old Bob, who sounds like a great guy by the way, your going to have to just hope he has it in him to forgive you. None of us can tell you how he will react.

Just think about it this way - what you do now, you might someday have to tell the child. Taking as much responsibilty as you can now should hopefully make things practiaclly easier to handle later, but also will sit better in your conscience in the long run.

IMHO

I hope this works out ok for you, I really do.

CDfm

It is a bit of a mess isn't it.It is really of your own making.

Ethically you have a responsibility to Bob to tell him that he may not be the father of your baby.

There are several ways he could find out -as happened with friends of mine when the childs bloodtype did not match up with the "Dads". He could also find out via the ex and gossip.

If I was Bob I would want to know as building a relationship on this deception can backfire spectacularily.

You need to put self interest to one side and get some stability into your life and the life you are bringing your child into. There is also the risk you will go back to your ex. Go figure.

There is a crisis pregnancy helpline 1850 281 281

www.life.ie

Abi

The baby is the controversial pawn in all of this. If the baby wasn't in the equation I would advise you not to see either of these men.

I honestly don't mean to be offensive here, but I have to ask. Is it your intention to keep the baby? I realize its an ugly question, and I apologize for that. But what you, I, or the next person would do in that scenario are different things I'm sure.

I just don't get the impression that either men are the right choice for you. At the very least, cut these two men out until you get a chance to think straight.

Darthhoob

basically i completely agree with opinion guy.

you NEED to tell Bob, he needs to make the decision himself about whether to stay with you and possibly bring up another man's baby...or leave and be a dad to the baby if it is his. it's VERY unfair of you to assume all will be ok when you are lying to Bob...i find it hard to imagine a bigger heartache than to find out the kid you loved and brought up as your own is not yours....and he more than likely will find out....or at least suspect it. so when baby is born, get a paternity test done and go from there.

once you know whether the baby is twathead's or not, then you can really decide what to do with him. for now ignore his calls etc...but you'll need to keep contact details incase he IS the father...if it turns out he isn't...get a new phone delete his number, move, do whatever to wipe him from your life.

DO NOT give this excuse of a man ex your attention, time or effort again. he may have had a hand in the trouble you are in but it takes two to tango and you are the one who cheated, harsh as that is it is the truth....you need to face up to the mess you are in not pretend everything is hunky dory by lying and hoping for the best..take some action

sorry if i sounded harsh in that post but you really need to think of Bob and the baby and not just yourself and your Ex x

goodluck

ash23

Guys, my understanding of the OPs post is that Bob knows about the first time she cheated on him and that there is a chance that the baby is not his but is standing by her anyway.
And then the OP slept with her ex again.


OP, there has to be something sorted here. You are pricking around a very understanding man and tbh, I'm glad your ex is planning on telling Bob you cheated as I firmly believe that if you got away with it then you would continue cheating.

You need to tell Bob and hope he forgives you. I don't know that he will but he deserves the truth.
Regardless of whether he forgives you or not, you need to stop the sexy time with the ex. You need to stop any time with the ex full stop. He's an ass. He's treated you like crap, hurt you, told you to abort what is possibly his child and you feel sorry for him when he calls you up crying over his sad little life? You meet him and listen to him whinge and moan about how sad he is. If I were listening to my ex cry and sob I would only do so in order to go "ha ha" in his face to be honest. And I 'aint that kind of girl so if my ex called me looking to talk about how hurt he was I'd hang up the phone. Grow a back bone. He was a big part of your life but it was only 3 years. People have been with someone for 30 years, split and managed to sever the cord, I think you can manage it if you really try.

Secondly, as soon as the child is born you need to do a paternity test. Because, lets face it, aside from the obvious which is that the child needs to know, you surely realise that the ex will use the child in order to maintain contact and will be insisting it's his child and stirring the pot.
You are fairly sure it's Bobs. Find out and if it is then tell the ex to go and fcuk himself and never speak to him again. It really is that easy.

You have two paths to choose. One with a man you claim to love who treats you well and adores you. And one with a man who treats you like sh*t. Hmmmmmmm. Difficult decision? I don't think.

Lets just hope Bob is a bit of a doormat in this case and stays with you. Oh and if he doesn't, try going it alone for your childs sake. It really isn't better to be in a bad relationship then to be on your own. You might surprise yourself and manage without a man :rolleyes:

renraw

You poor thing OP, thats a sad situation. My experience is an ex is an ex for a reason. You should try to stop all contact with him and go with Bob. He sounds like a hell of a nice guy and thats what you need. Thats a rarity in these times. I've been there with ex's and its always a recipe for disaster. Do what you think or feel is right, only you can decide. Hope it works out for ya

LegacyUser

I'm just a bit sickened by you, if I'm honest. You've lied, and cheated, and put the future of yourself, Bob and your unborn baby at risk.

First off, your ex does not love you. He has, not once, inconvenienced himself in any way, never mind saying or doing anything to assist you. He has acted solely for his own happiness and is now acting to prevent you being happy. He thinks of you not as a partner or as a lover, but as a faithful dog. You moving away from him to a relationship of your choosing is horrifying to him - what does that say about him? You stay, he doesn't have to think. You go, he gets a message about himself he doesn't like.

You know this, or you wouldn't have left him before. Now you're deciding your future and making a DISASTER of it. You really are setting yourself up to be a HELLISH mother. You will be either in thrall to the ex, or a lying cheating wife to Bob.

What a catch you are. You don't even have the self respect to see what you're doing.

Cope yourself on. Now. All this pain and nonsense is nothing more than you trying to change someone that isn't worth the work. Either have the child by yourself or with Bob, but don't pretend you believe this guy. You know you don't. Grow up.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

You know this, or you wouldn't have left him before. Now you're deciding your future and making a DISASTER of it. You really are setting yourself up to be a HELLISH mother.

Can we stick to the facts as stated and not go inventing stuff?

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Can we stick to the facts as stated and not go inventing stuff?

Its not an invention, it is, perhaps, a too harsh response. Sorry if I stepped over a line.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Its me again... I just want to say thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate you all taking the time out to give me your opinions. I still dont know what to do to be honest, I know I should tell Bob but I really dont think I can and I know it would be awful if he didnt find out from me, it would kill him but Im still hoping that my ex will just walk away and realise we're not good together anyway.

I am definetly going to cut off all contact from him, I had my phone turned off all weekend and I only received 2 calls and 2 texts which said that he tried to go out Saturday night with the intention of going off with someone but he couldnt as he kept comparing girls to me and only wants me, the other said I need your help to get over you, will you meet me please?both of which I have ignored and I havent heard from him since which is quite surpirsing as normally I'd be getting texts and phonecalls 24/7.

I do think if he was to tell Bob he would be causing hardship for himself too, I have told him this, I have told him that if he did tell Bob then I would hate him forever and never talk to him, he says this is the only thing holding him back from doing it so this is why sometimes I do still keep in touch with him to try and keep him sweet which is so silly cos I do genuinely want him out of my life but feel like im stuck. Also, Im sure this would cos problems for my ex and his friends as they are Bob's friends too and I think they would side with Bob in this instance if they knew how my ex is behaving right now. They would also tell Bob to end it with me which I dont blame them for at all.

I know all of this is my own fault, I've no one to blame but myself, I cant believe I have so stupid. Bob knows something is up too cos I spent the all day in bed on Saturday crying and I just blamed it on my hormones. I feel awful for him, he doesnt deserve this at all but same time i just cant have him find out. I do feel like the response from "unregistered" is a little harsh - everyone makes mistakes and mines is for being very gullible and perhaps too soft and incredibly inconsiderate but i realise ive been out of order but not to the point where I will be a "hellish mother".

I understand my ex has been a complete asshole. I know this but he never was the first 2 and a half years of our relationship and I was no angel either, I do feel like he is being genuine when he says he's sorry and I know its all too little too late, I would never get back with him as I know what I have with Bob is better than I will ever get but I just cant help but feel really bad for him, he sounds like he's in a awful place right now and I know I have to walk away, its just hard is all when someone is crying and begging and just really depressed.

I do intend to keep the baby, I cant wait for us to be a little family, I will be arranging for a paternity test and Bob knows this and is ok with it no matter what the result is - this shows you just how great a guy he is.

Thanks again or all your advice..

Blackpitts

unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

I do intend to keep the baby, I cant wait for us to be a little family, I will be arranging for a paternity test and Bob knows this and is ok with it no matter what the result is - this shows you just how great a guy he is.

Thanks again or all your advice..

you need to tell BOB what happened last time because he deserves to know and maybe he deserves a girl better than you to be honest! :mad:
Consider yourself very lucky, i'd have dumped you in a snap if I was Bob, fortunately i'm not him, so do your best and try to be a best partner for him.

ash23

unregistered wrote: »

I do think if he was to tell Bob he would be causing hardship for himself too, I have told him this, I have told him that if he did tell Bob then I would hate him forever and never talk to him, he says this is the only thing holding him back from doing it so this is why sometimes I do still keep in touch with him to try and keep him sweet which is so silly cos I do genuinely want him out of my life but feel like im stuck. Also, Im sure this would cos problems for my ex and his friends as they are Bob's friends too and I think they would side with Bob in this instance if they knew how my ex is behaving right now. They would also tell Bob to end it with me which I dont blame them for at all.
.

Eh, how long do you think this will keep your ex quiet? If you continue ignoring him and he sees there is no chance you are getting back with him. He is the one keeping you sweet in order to win you back. When he gets tired of that (and he will, in a few weeks/months) he, being the bitter bolli* that he is, WILL TELL BOB! Can you not see that? Do you really think your ex will be dignified and honorable? Yeah right!

If there is to be any chance of Bob forgiving you then he needs to hear it from you. Now.
If you leave it and he finds out from your gloating ex some night in the pub in front of all their mates, for his own dignity, he will never forgive you.

kittenkiller

unregistered wrote: »

I do feel like the response from "unregistered" is a little harsh - everyone makes mistakes and mines is for being very gullible and perhaps too soft and incredibly inconsiderate but i realise ive been out of order but not to the point where I will be a "hellish mother".

Too soft?
Too easy more like!

Gullible?
Walking yourself into the same situation over and over again just translates into some sort of learning difficulties to me.

Inconsiderate?
Cold hearted towards a man that loves you and is good to you, would fit better.

You really have walked yourself right onto a Jeremy Kyle show haven't you?!

Your ex is a manipulator who'd dump you after a week if you were to get back together.
Once he gets the picture that you're trying to ignore him he'll be straight on the phone telling Bob that he shagged his girlfriend again!
Or just let it slip to someone he's confiding in so that it will et back round to Bob.

Personally, I'd move away from all that mess and hope to god it never comes out.
That's if I was too chicken to tell Bob that I don't actually love him, rather just been using him to piss off my ex for the last while.
Why else would you have slept with him *so* many times after you got with someone new?

opinion guy

OP I really don't think you've been hearing what people have said to you. The tone of this answer will be harsh.

unregistered wrote: »

but Im still hoping that my ex will just walk away and realise we're not good together anyway.

Hes not going to do that. Stop putting yourself in denial and hiding from it. You need to deal with this. Waiting for it to go away all on its own will ONLY make things worse.

I am definetly going to cut off all contact from him, I had my phone turned off all weekend and I only received 2 calls and 2 texts which said that he tried to go out Saturday night with the intention of going off with someone but he couldnt as he kept comparing girls to me and only wants me, the other said I need your help to get over you, will you meet me please?both of which I have ignored and I havent heard from him since which is quite surpirsing as normally I'd be getting texts and phonecalls 24/7.

Ok nobody cares how often he contacts you. It is meaningless. Stop thinking about it. Also the fact that he told you he went out to pull and didn't because of you is 100% MANIPULATION.

I do think if he was to tell Bob he would be causing hardship for himself too, I have told him this, I have told him that if he did tell Bob then I would hate him forever and never talk to him, he says this is the only thing holding him back from doing it so this is why sometimes I do still keep in touch with him to try and keep him sweet which is so silly cos I do genuinely want him out of my life but feel like im stuck.

You fool. He doesn't do it because then he knows he will lose all power of you. Power you are giving him by allowing this charade to continue. He doesn't care AT ALL about causing hardship for himself.

Also, Im sure this would cos problems for my ex and his friends as they are Bob's friends too and I think they would side with Bob in this instance if they knew how my ex is behaving right now.

So what ? Who cares ? This is a situation he created for himself. He's a shameless manipulative bastard - might do him some good to lose some friends.

They would also tell Bob to end it with me which I dont blame them for at all.

No I wouldn't blame them either. But, frankly, you've made your bed now lie in it. DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

I know all of this is my own fault, I've no one to blame but myself, I cant believe I have so stupid. Bob knows something is up too cos I spent the all day in bed on Saturday crying and I just blamed it on my hormones.

Seriously - men are not that stupid. He KNOWS something is up.

I feel awful for him, he doesnt deserve this at all but same time i just cant have him find out.

Nah you just feel sorry for yourself I think

I do feel like the response from "unregistered" is a little harsh - everyone makes mistakes and mines is for being very gullible and perhaps too soft and incredibly inconsiderate but i realise ive been out of order but not to the point where I will be a "hellish mother".

Actually I agree with you there the 'hellish mother' comment was way out of line IMHO.

I understand my ex has been a complete asshole. I know this but he never was the first 2 and a half years of our relationship and I was no angel either, I do feel like he is being genuine when he says he's sorry and I know its all too little too late,

Relevance ? No really - how is this relevant to the FUTURE OF YOUR CHILD ?????

I would never get back with him as I know what I have with Bob is better than I will ever get but I just cant help but feel really bad for him, he sounds like he's in a awful place right now and I know I have to walk away, its just hard is all when someone is crying and begging and just really depressed.

He's responsible for himself - not you. Tell him you have to think of your child first. If he needs help he should go to GP/councillor/samaritans/his friends/his family/anyone else but you. If he had any respect for you and the child he would leave you alone.

I do intend to keep the baby, I cant wait for us to be a little family, I will be arranging for a paternity test and Bob knows this and is ok with it no matter what the result is - this shows you just how great a guy he is.

Thanks again or all your advice..

Yes. Test = good. Yes he is a great guy, if unfortunate. WE know this. Not sure you do.

daisybelle2008

Don't tell Bob, that would be an incredibly selfish act - to salve your guilt and cause him incredible pain about something that is in the past.
You have a cheek crying in your bed for a day feeling sorry for yourself.

If you are staying with Bob do not tell him, but only if you genuinely love him and want to make it work. I am not sure that you are not more like a cornered rat and 'suddenly' found your love for Bob was genuine when you started to realise your ex was a complete w*anker.
Bob has been the safe back up option who acceped you and a child that may be not his own. I am not sure your really love or respect him. If things had worked out with your ex or someone else down the line I think you will jump ship and stop using Bob as the door mat back up.
Your emotions are very fickle, you seem to be sticking up for your ex in some places (i.e he was lovely for 2.5 years etc etc & that there was two of ye in it) and feeling bad for him, buying his bullsh*t about 'needing' you to get over him.
That seems kind of strange to me. I am not sure you are emotionally developed enough to do what is best for yourself of other people. I think you should walk away from Bob and your ex 'cause you are definitely going to start cheating when something new and shiny comes along and Bob starts to bore you.

Don't tell Bob, you are not the victim here. Just move on and be a single mother with the support of whoever is the father and learn to respect yourself and adult relationships.

ash23

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Don't tell Bob, that would be an incredibly selfish act - to salve your guilt and cause him incredible pain about something that is in the past.

I couldn't disagree more.
Doesn't Bob have the right to know what he is getting himself into?
How much does the poor guy have to put up with?
He is mad about a woman who is pregnant with what may or may not be his child. He forgave her for cheating and supported her and she cheated on him again.
This "relationship" they have is based on mistrust, lies, and neediness. Bob seems to be a bit of a doormat and the OP seems to be using him for stability. But even a doormat will only put up with so much and even a doormat has the right to know the truth.

Personally I think the OP, Bob and her ex should all just keep away from each other. Find out who the daddy is and facilitate a relationship with the child but other than that, they should all move on. This is a car crash waiting to happen. I don't see how it could end in happily ever after. I really don't.

Kipperhell

All I can think is Bob may very well change his mind as time goes on. If the child turns out not to be his and he finds out about your dalliance. It wouldn't be hard to dump somebody under those circumstances.

The time frame of all this also seems kind of rushed. It sounds like Bob as a partner is less than a year old which would make me think that it hasn't much of a foundation. The foundation you have is full of deceit so I can't see it lasting and more specifically ending well for Bob and the child.

CDfm

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Don't tell Bob, that would be an incredibly selfish act - to salve your guilt and cause him incredible pain about something that is in the past.
You have a cheek crying in your bed for a day feeling sorry for yourself.

If you are staying with Bob do not tell him, but only if you genuinely love him and want to make it work. I am not sure that you are not more like a cornered rat and 'suddenly' found your love for Bob was genuine when you started to realise your ex was a complete w*anker.


Don't tell Bob, you are not the victim here. Just move on and be a single mother with the support of whoever is the father and learn to respect yourself and adult relationships.

This is so wrong.

Bob is being used here.

He deserves to know the truth.

daisybelle2008

ash23 wrote: »

I couldn't disagree more.
Doesn't Bob have the right to know what he is getting himself into?
How much does the poor guy have to put up with?
He is mad about a woman who is pregnant with what may or may not be his child. He forgave her for cheating and supported her and she cheated on him again.
This "relationship" they have is based on mistrust, lies, and neediness. Bob seems to be a bit of a doormat and the OP seems to be using him for stability. But even a doormat will only put up with so much and even a doormat has the right to know the truth.

Personally I think the OP, Bob and her ex should all just keep away from each other. Find out who the daddy is and facilitate a relationship with the child but other than that, they should all move on. This is a car crash waiting to happen. I don't see how it could end in happily ever after. I really don't.

I agree with most of what you say i.e she should stay away from ex and Bob.
But I don't think her parting shot to Bob should be sticking the boot in with that last revelation and making him feel like Sh8t. It serves no value. She needs to do some growing up away from Bob and the ex (but maintaining child relsationships of course).
If she tells Bob and he forgives her again, she will subconciously see him as a sap for putting up with the sh*t and look for her bad boy drama elsewhere yet again. Maybe he does not forgive her and moves on, but his past form suggests he is willing to take a lot of sh*t whether it is good for him or not (he already made a bad choice thinking she would not cheat again).

Both those let her off the hook and leave the ball in Bobs court (poor Bob always seems to be left picking up the pieces and making sh*tty choices).

She needs to grow a pair and leave Bob and her ex while she sorts her head out and learns to truly appreciate a good relationship.
Tell Bob she needs space to really examine if she is meant to be with him for the right reasons.
Right now she feels she wants to be with Bob, but some time apart will help her examine if that is for the right reason and not a bit of a security blanket/rebound/backup dynamic that is selling him short.

She wants the easy way out and wants to have a man on her arm to validate her. She may learn to grow up my raising her son as a single mum for a while and leaving adult relationships out of the picture for the momenet.

Darthhoob

seems you feel for your ex much much more than you feel for Bob...poor Bob. tbh i think you really should be on your own for a good while to decide what and who you want...and/or get over your ex. shame you didn't do that before getting pregnant or even meeting Bob, but hey, we all make mistakes...but you keep making them....and you need to sort it out.

you NEED to tell Bob, your ex will tell him and Bob deserves to know the truth...ESPECIALLY as he is being there for you and a baby that may not be his. leave it upto him to decide whether you will be a little family or not...the choice is not just yours. your ex WILL tell him though, you say he only doesn't because you wont talk to him if he does...well you're not talking to him now (which is good) but it'll only be a matter of time before he clocks on and tells him. he has absolutely NOTHING to lose compared to you.

i really really do think though that you should seperate from Bob, for a while at least. you clearly have feelings for your ex still....in fact i'd say moreso than you do for Bob. i may be wrong i'm just going by all the empathy and sympathy you have for your ex..your posts OOZE it...yet hardly any for Bob. you need to address this as it really isn't fair for Bob to be with a woman who cares for her bastard ex more than him.

opinion guy

To be honest, I also think you possibly should be alone for a while. You really don't seem grown up enough to be able to deal with this. But I think you should tell Bob the truth and let him make and informed decision about things.

What I'm STILL not seeing in you is any thought about how this will affect the baby. The only mention you make of it is:

I do intend to keep the baby, I cant wait for us to be a little family, I will be arranging for a paternity test and Bob knows this and is ok with it no matter what the result is - this shows you just how great a guy he is.

Can't wiat for us to be a little family ? I'm sorry but at this moment in time this is pure fantasy - you really need to wake up to that. Families are built on solid relaitonships and you ain't got that right now. You could lose Bob whether you tell him the truth or not (which in fact is why you shoudl tell him yourself - at least then you are in control of how he is told). You need to start thinking about what happens if you are left on your own. I'm not sayin that will happen, but I'm saying you need to stop living in the clouds and get very real, very quick.

OP have you told anyone about this ? Are you talking to friends, family or a crisis pregnancy service ? If you haven't done this yet I REALLY REALLY advise you to

Nevyn

Look you are in a crisses situation and you need to figure out what you want to do and where you can get help and support. Why no go and book a crises pregnancy couselling session so you can figure out how you feel about all of this with a professional.

www.positiveoptions.ie

unregistered

unregistered wrote: »

Hey,

I really need some advice, basically I split up with my ex of 3 years, VERY long story which I will try not to go into about but he ended it with me and I was heartbroken, I thought I would never get over it and I would cry every single day for about 3 months afterwards, I then met another lad and started seeing him which was more of a rebound thing for me than it was for him, I knew he had fallen for me but I just wasnt feeling it. My ex saw that I was starting to move on and then decided that he wanted me back, I was really confused, my ex treated me like dirt and I took it all cos I loved him and wanted to make him happy, I ended up sleeping with him a couple of times whilst I was still with the other lad which I know is awful and the other lad (lets call him Bob) Bob is mad about me, I've never been with anyone that has loved me this much and treated me this good before, but I just couldnt say no to my ex, I thought he was the one.

Heres the bigger problem... Im pregant.. Im 90% sure that the baby is Bob's and he was delighted about it, I told my ex and he wanted me to get an abortion. Treated me really badly, anyways I told both of them what happened,everything! Bob still wanted to be with me and I tried to cut my ex out of my life. We were all happy to accept that the baby was Bob's and since then myself and Bob have been getting ready for the baby and I realise now I love Bob so much, he's the best thing ever to happen to me. I'd be so scared to lose him.

The thing is, my ex has started to text me saying that he has changed completely now and does cry on the phone to me begging me to take him back and that he will be different this time and how he will take care of the baby even if its not his and he's so so sorry for everything that happenend before. I do believe how sorry he is and how much he regrets everything, I feel bad for him cos he is now in the same situation as I was when he broke up with me and is now getting depressed but this time he has to contend with me being with someone else and having their baby, I know it must be awful for him and I cant help feeling sorry for him. Bob gets really angry with me for this but I cant help it, we were together for a long time and been through so much, I feel like I cant turn my back on him. One night he turned up at my work in a right state and begged me to talk to him, we went to my flat and im so ashamed to say it but I slept with him, part of me done it to try make him feel better, I realise I dont love him anymore and I told him this, I should never have done it, I hate myself for doing it but now he is threatening to tell Bob unless i take him back....

Im so scared he will ruin things for me and i know he will, I cant tell Bob, I just cant, Not after last time he will leave me for good and I want us so much to be a happy family.

I should also mention that Bob and my ex were good friends before all this happened and they are now not talking and its caused a bit of atmosphere in the town because they are both popular and no one wants to take sides. My ex feels like everything has been ruined with his mates and with his love life and that he has nothing to lose if he does tell Bob..

I know what I have done is wrong, please any advice would be much appreciated...

Bob deserves better and you and your ex deserve each other. Leave Bob get on with his life either way. It would be so terrible for Bob, if it was Bobs as he'd be tied to you in some way for the rest of his life when he could be such a good catch for some girl who actually appreciates him

metrovelvet

I havent read the replies.

Firstly I want to say that 90% sure is not good enough

Get an amnio. The sooner this is settled the sooner you can all make plans and decisions.

OMG.