Lost Cause?

LegacyUser

I'll try to be short because I think I already know the answer to my qestion but thought I would seek some views on it.

So last feb I met a girl, I had met her through work a few years previously, was really attracted to her but she went off travelling for 2 years. We kept in contact via email throughout that time, nothing major just an odd update every now and again.

Anyway she returned, we met up to catch up, just the 2 of us, had a few drinks a kiss slept in the same bed little bit of fondling. Seemed to be great. She wasn't from this city so I helped her find a place to live, we were in contact everyday for about a month, and had a great time, but never did the deed.

I should also say that she told me that she was just out of a 5 year relationship, her words were that it ended badly and he infact had hit her, kind of threw me a bit because she had never mentioned it in the emails we had sent back and forth over the 2 years previously and I had asked a cpl times who she was travelling with (testing waters i sippose) but she never seemed to answer, I never thought alot about that at the time tho, she was really just a pen pal at that time.

So then things started getting strange, I asked after a month or so what was going on and was i wasting my time because i liked her and didn't want to be a rebound thing. She said NO i wasn't wasting my time, she was just confused and wastn't ready for anything just yet but she understood if i wanted to give up on her.

Things got weird from then on, she was kind of hot / cold i thought, I introduced her to my mates one night and she told one of them "we were just mates, haven't even kissed" this was not the case obviously but i gave her the benefit of the doubt, again another time a friend said that she said to him "i cant believe im with the wrong friend" again gave benefit of doubt, as it could have been a misunderstanding there was alot of drink involved.

I even said to her at one time that I thought it best if i stop contacting her for a while that I felt I was doing all the running and maybe she needed space to sort her head out, she contacted me to meet up the following day, said she was fine. But also she said in another occasion that she wasn't over her ex and didn't want to lead me on, i understood and wished her all the best, the next day she said she was just emotional talking rubbish and wasn't getting back with him that she did like me and missed me

Anyway it got to the stage where we'd meet go for drinks, get on great, have a kiss and a cuddle and I'd get a text or something the next day to say, she wanted to be friends last nite shouldn't have happened, it was just getting harder and harder to figure out.

I know i should have walked at this stage, i didn't i really liked her alot. But she did the walking, stopped replying to calls / texts etc. At this time she had started making friends in the city so I got the feeling she had worn out all her use for me and this was why. Ieven told her that this is what i thought.

Trying to be as short as possible so ill cut to the last month, had a heart to heart told her i really liked her too much for friendship that i'd always want more, she accepted this to be fair, but we did hang out for the next cpl weeks as she was moving home and I decided it would be nice to hang out until she left. but she also said that she was still not over the ex (I know that she has been at it with him also, don't know if it was a once off or what but)

Here's where it gets confusing for me, before she left she texted me saying that she still has feelings for me, but needs to sort her head out and she is moving away. Kinda sucked but at the same time made me feel good too.

It was her birthday a few weeks ago so i got a present delivered to her house, she seemed to really appreciate it, rang to thank me, texted me etc. and on a call later she said again she liked me and had these feelings for me but was living far away now so lets see what happens. On a call subsrquent she was drunk and we were nearly having phone sex, I was thinking I had finally crossed out of the friend thing.

Then last few days, she was coming to where i live for a night, I rang and texted cpl days in advance to see what her plans were, She didn't reply and i got annoyed, asked why I was getting the silent treatment that I deserved a bit better. etc.

Eventually got a reply saying that the texts were really uncalled for and that she wasn't getting the silent treatment that i was her "mate", Told i didn't want to be her mate she was well aware of this, she said she just said the like you things cos she gets on "a love buzz" after a few drinks, but i know she said these things sober also. Anyway we met briefly nite she was here, was a little ackward and there was others there, she said she hadn't replied because she had no credit, but that she didn't want to go away for the wkd cos the messages i sent were really annoying.

So I Texted her yesterday morning and said sorry for the texts didn;t realise she had no credit, and that she looked amazing last night (she did) and that i couldn't take my eyes off her, then later i felt this could have been interpreted as creepy so explained i only meant to say something nice to her and that i just meant she looked really bauetiful last nite, there has been no reply.

So my Question is really does anyone see any hope for me here, I should say that I am only laying out my point of view in the above, i have acted really clingy and weird at times also i recognise this but have explained that it was only because I couldn't make any sense of things at times and she had me totally confused.

Thanks to anyone who managed to get through all that...better get back to work Ha !!

Oh The Humanity

overispose wrote: »

So my Question is really does anyone see any hope for me here,

Nope, not a shred. She knows you fancy her and is not in fact at all mixed up. She says contradictory things because, well they are just the most convenient thing that comes into her mind at the time.

There are so many red flags in her behaviour that I couldn't deal with them all one by one. But one thing is sure, she is not into you.

You are the standby mate that will give her a little bit of affection when she is drunk. Girls always have them, blokes too. She won't spell that out to you explicitly because its handy and complimentary to keep you on the back burner. Also she may not be fully aware of her actions herself, this would be why she would react with chagrin when confronted.

overispose wrote: »

I should say that I am only laying out my point of view in the above, i have acted really clingy and weird at times also i recognise this but have explained that it was only because I couldn't make any sense of things at times and she had me totally confused.

Doesn't matter. Its nothing you did, sorry to be harsh but stop grasping at straws.

If a woman is into you, you will usually be left in no doubt. If there is doubt then she is not that into you.

For your own sake, for your pride and self respect. Move on. Don't say anything to her, don't try to explain any of this to her. why? Because if you do she will deny it and act outraged.

Blackpitts

i've been there, I've done that and it was not pleasant.
You are clearly in the f buddy area.
You need to move on ASAP, do it for yourself or you will regret the time you have wasted because of her and the pain will be unbearable.

dogbert27

You're really betting on a non-runner here. This girl has a lot of baggage and would only wreck your head more if you both got emotionally involved any further then what it is now.
Delete number, forget girl, go out with your mates this weekend, look for someone new.

dogbert27

Blackpitts wrote: »

You are clearly in the f buddy area.

He's not even lucky enough to be getting any.
Definitely needs to cut this girl out of his life. I was unlucky to have 2 of these in my early 20's. All they do is make you feel like a fool.:(

jellyboy

the answer is in your post....she is just out of a long term realship.....

wounds ,healing.and too much too soon are what i feel liking doing when i break up...



oooh and eating chocolate....

LegacyUser

Thanks, Its what I thought just wanted to be sure because I have a real fondness for her.

I don't think (hope anyway) that this wasn't an intentional ploy on her part. I would hate to think that I could be that misguided by a pretty face.

To late not to feel like a fool, really do, Why i didn't stick to my guns and stay away first time ill never know and regret it alot now as it would have saved me time and pain.

I mean just the other day she turned things around on me, she didn't reply, I asked why and I get made feel like a sap, and she was in no way nice about it either, god even after that I ended up apologising, ah well you live and learn, I hope this doesn't take too long to get over, I am really sick of wasting my affections on her

Saying all this if she called this evening and asked to meet i probably would, Iknow i shouldn't but I just have a weakness for her, its really frustrating because I know she was bad for me. But to be honest I dont think that'll happen.

Was actually thinking of sending her a link to this thread to let her know how i feel and what anon ppl unconnected see the situation aas, but obviously that is a bad idea. isn't it???

dogbert27

Yes that is a very bad idea!

Although it might be a good idea if you wanted to cut her out of your life forever. She definitely wouldn't ever want to talk to you again if she knew you were talking to complete strangers about her!!

As I said, head out with your mates tonight and have some fun!

shellyboo

op99 wrote: »

Thanks, Its what I thought just wanted to be sure because I have a real fondness for her.

I don't think (hope anyway) that this wasn't an intentional ploy on her part. I would hate to think that I could be that misguided by a pretty face.

To late not to feel like a fool, really do, Why i didn't stick to my guns and stay away first time ill never know and regret it alot now as it would have saved me time and pain.

I mean just the other day she turned things around on me, she didn't reply, I asked why and I get made feel like a sap, and she was in no way nice about it either, god even after that I ended up apologising, ah well you live and learn, I hope this doesn't take too long to get over, I am really sick of wasting my affections on her

Saying all this if she called this evening and asked to meet i probably would, Iknow i shouldn't but I just have a weakness for her, its really frustrating because I know she was bad for me. But to be honest I dont think that'll happen.

Was actually thinking of sending her a link to this thread to let her know how i feel and what anon ppl unconnected see the situation aas, but obviously that is a bad idea. isn't it???

God, OP, reading that was agony... she really did lead you a dance. She's clearly not interested, but she's keeping you around for a nice hand ego boost.

And now, on top of her having done that, you want to show her this thread to show her just exactly how much she got to you? Worst idea ever. For god's sake man, have a bit of dignity and just cut her out of your life. DO NOT show her this thread. She didn't care that she was stringing you along for months, she's definitely not going to care what a bunch of strangers think about it - and it's not going to send her running into your arms either.

Oh The Humanity

op99 wrote: »

Thanks, Its what I thought just wanted to be sure because I have a real fondness for her.

I don't think (hope anyway) that this wasn't an intentional ploy on her part. I would hate to think that I could be that misguided by a pretty face.

To late not to feel like a fool, really do, Why i didn't stick to my guns and stay away first time ill never know and regret it alot now as it would have saved me time and pain.

I mean just the other day she turned things around on me, she didn't reply, I asked why and I get made feel like a sap, and she was in no way nice about it either, god even after that I ended up apologising, ah well you live and learn, I hope this doesn't take too long to get over, I am really sick of wasting my affections on her

Saying all this if she called this evening and asked to meet i probably would, Iknow i shouldn't but I just have a weakness for her, its really frustrating because I know she was bad for me. But to be honest I dont think that'll happen.

Was actually thinking of sending her a link to this thread to let her know how i feel and what anon ppl unconnected see the situation aas, but obviously that is a bad idea. isn't it???

Yes, very bad idea.

For two reasons. Firstly its unlikely she will be able to recognise her bahaviour and secondly even if she does she will not care and will more than likely turn it around on you.

It is humilating to see things like this from retrospect BUT I dont think anyone is born knowing these things in advance, the only reason we posters can see the pattern clearly is its happened to us all here too.

We've been you and we've been her. Its easy to be wise retrospectively but not so much when you are in the middle of it!!!

Move on with a bit of dignity, honestly? She will think you are a stalking nutter if you send her a link to this. Just quietly pick yourself up and get your life moving again.

In a few months, more or less it will occur to you one day that you are happy and don't even think about her any more. There are much better girls waiting out there for you. Ones who will feel the same for you as you do for this one.

LegacyUser

ah I know, I just kind of want her to know that she was wrong in alot of ways and shouldn't have done alot of what she did, she hurt me, maybe not intentionally but she did.

Ive have gone way out of my way for her over the last while, done things i wouldn't do for most ppl, i had motives but never hid them, and then she trys t amke me feel bad for trying to be more then her friends with her after she told me she had feelings for me last time i talked to her and she knows very well how much i like her. I mean what did she expect??

Ill take your advice tho and walk away NOW with what little of my dignity remains, One good thing is that she is not in my circle of friends and even though she visits here she doesn't live here anymore so it should mke things a but easier.

Already deleted the facebook contact and number but i know this by heart anyway so that doesn't really matter, (she knows mine to, she told me, 3 numbers she doesn't have saved in her phone, me, the ex, and her best friend that she fell out with) all so that she doesn't ring while drunk

Wibbs

op99 wrote: »

Was actually thinking of sending her a link to this thread to let her know how i feel and what anon ppl unconnected see the situation aas, but obviously that is a bad idea. isn't it???

As others have said No, God NO.

Yes she was a headwreck and an attention whore tm, but and it's a big but you enabled her to be so. She didn't wreck your head, you wrecked your own. Now I would agree that at first it was all her, but after all this time you're equally if not more so to blame. The reason/excuse some may give is you can't help who you fall in love with. I slightly disagree, but I think we can all agree you can help who wrecks your head. If something like love feels wrong and confusing, the chances are high it is wrong and confused. We can't change anyone but ourselves, hence I'm saying this. I'm not trying to take the píss here or kick a man when he's down, but you'll hopefully learn from this. Some don't and repeat this stuff for years. Please for your own sake, don't be one of them.

Try to fall for someone who returns that feeling. Otherwise it's not love it's one sided infatuation and you will get burned.

If your head is wrecked, seek some clarity and accept no excuses. If you get no clarity, then walk away. Do not chase them or try to "fix" it. They either feel it or they don't. Only they can change that.

There are always other people out there that will treat you better.

Colonel_McCoy

Been there myself............time to walk away, there is nothing more you can do.

I know it blows but she is just not into you sorry........

G-Money

Sigh. Do these types of girls come off a production line or something. We seem to have an endless list of guys posting on here with the same type of issue all the time.

I tend to write long replies but I'm going to keep this one short. I can tell she's doing your head in and you don't need that. She doesn't know what she wants but I'm betting if some other guy appeared on the scene her confusion would clear up pretty f**** quickly and she'd be off with him.

This girl will continue to do your head in if you let her, so don't. Just go delete her number (don't write it down or memorise it or anything). Get rid of her emails or anything else and just forget that you ever even met her. As to be honest buddy, as soon as some guy appears on the scene, that's effectively what she will do to you. Sorry to say.

You are better off without this girl and you will lose nothing by not being in contact with her. Start the process of moving on NOW!

Good luck.

Wibbs

grandmaster wrote: »

Sigh. Do these types of girls come off a production line or something. We seem to have an endless list of guys posting on here with the same type of issue all the time.

Yep though the men are coming off a different production line in the same factory. You simply couldn't have women like this if you didn't have men to fall for and go along with Them. Ditto for guys who are bastids to women and those women who go along with it. There's defo two tangoing here. Now most of us (if not all of us) have had a crazy emotionally unhealthy user type man/woman in our lives. That's cool, it's part of the learning process of gaining wisdom. Most importantly about ourselves and what we deserve and what boundaries we should have.

If any man or woman finds themselves in this position more than once or is a trend then the responsibility lies with them more than the other person. I firmly believe that. Older types tend not to be easygoing about this stuff and also tend to get less of it from the opposite sex as they get older and I suspect the latter is a lot of the time down to the former. Crap a "Bad Boy" tm or an "Silly Beatch" tm can get away with at 19 is generally a helluva lot less tolerated at 29.

I tend to write long replies but I'm going to keep this one short.

Sorry does not compute for me :D

I can tell she's doing your head in and you don't need that. She doesn't know what she wants but I'm betting if some other guy appeared on the scene her confusion would clear up pretty f**** quickly and she'd be off with him.

+1000 Listen to grandmaster, his crystal ball is tuned right in on this one.

This girl will continue to do your head in if you let her, so don't.

Muy importante bit in red.

You are better off without this girl and you will lose nothing by not being in contact with her. Start the process of moving on NOW!

Good luck.

+1 and +1000

G-Money

The previous posters are right, just forget about her.

Take it from me, once you get shot of this girl the only regret you will have is that you didn't do it sooner.

LegacyUser

Well just a quick update, So i texted her saturday morning just to ensure that she wasn't going to come away for a wkd we had planned. I needed to cancel by saturday or lose out on the full payment. She knew this but had still not got back to me as promised....Shock Horror, Stupid i know but i decided i should ring her in case it was because she had "no credit" , All i got for my trouble was laboured sighs, sarcastic comments and her saying "i told you i wasn't going lasat week", she did NOT. she told me she would think about it and get back to me in a couple of days.

This really hurt, I have gone out of my way to be nice here, Am i wrong or is this kind of reaction plain rude.

One plus it will make it alot easier to move on from this now as i am starting to think i have had a lucky escape already.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Good for you, OP.

You'll be fine - maybe read over this whole thread again (including your responses).

And yes, she is rude. SOunds like a bl00dy pain to be honest and totally unreliable.

Onwards and upwards

Thanks, Well yeah, i said to her that I thought it was pretty harsh reacting like that, that I had gone out of my way to be nice to her nad that reaction was hurtful...

que a rampage of abusive texts calling me childish and saying that she would be better off without any friends at all if thats how ppl go on....

This is really unlike her, its very strange, didn't have her down as being like this, she really was very sweet most of the time, i dunno maybe i am a bad judge of character, but this is very confusing why would someone constantly tell you, " i like you too, i want to be with you but need space at the moment, i think i LOVE you, i have feelings for you, you will get what you want in the end" etc. etc. etc. and then act like this becuase i took her up on something that in my mind was unfair.

I hate that i feel let down here, I wish i would just forget about her but i seem to keep remembering the good times I had with her even tho she has been like this now.

ash23

you will get what you want in the end

She's been dangling a carrot in front of you and you've been blindly following it. STOP IT.
You don't need answers, you don't need to contact her. STOP IT.

For the love of God, keep your dignity and just ignore her. No point getting into fights/texting debates. She is bored when she does that and just fancies a bit of drama. If she were doing something more interesting she wouldn't be replying.

Stop finding excuses to contact her. The weekend away...excuse!
What you should have done was either cancel it or bring someone else. If the silly witch had the cheek to ask to go after the way she behaved then you could have told her to f off.
As it was, she treated you like crap, kicked you like you were a love sick puppy and you offered her a weekend away for her efforts? Madness.

racheypachey

Forget about her, seriously. Yes it will be hard but it's better for you in the long run.

Moomoo1

OP99 wrote: »

This is really unlike her, its very strange, didn't have her down as being like this, she really was very sweet most of the time, i dunno maybe i am a bad judge of character,

you find out the true measure of people at times like these. It's easy to be nice when things are going well, but the truly nice people would also be nice when they are not...

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

you find out the true measure of people at times like these. It's easy to be nice when things are going well, but the truly nice people would also be nice when they are not...

True, but i thought I knew her fairly well having spent a fair bit of time together and talking to her about fairly intimate things, and she is not one for big "talks" very much likes to keep her own business her own.

I did recieve a text today (I should say that it was a reply to one i sent yesterday telling her goodbye and to call if anything happened and she needed me, silly maybe but i still care about her and don't want her feeling alone, she has been through alot and sometimes I think her reactions over last week has been her defenses), anyway it wasn;t an apology but rather a thank you and said that she was in a bad place at the moment, so look after myself, and goodbye. Happier leaving it at that rather then on bad terms cos we had some great times togetherand that should count for something i feel.

Anyway sorry for bumping this again, it really isn't as important as some of the other threads ive read here, but it has effected me and writing stuff out here seeems to help a bit, so thanks everyone who has read and replied.

Oh The Humanity

OP99 wrote: »

True, but i thought I knew her fairly well having spent a fair bit of time together and talking to her about fairly intimate things, and she is not one for big "talks" very much likes to keep her own business her own.

You didn't know her at all, you idealised her and believed in this idealised creation.

OP99 wrote: »

i sent yesterday telling her goodbye and to call if anything happened and she needed me, silly maybe but i still care about her and don't want her feeling alone, she has been through alot and sometimes I think her reactions over last week has been her defenses),

Christ! That is bad. Stop making excuses for her. She is a cow, a pretty one but a cow all the same. As a woman can I just tell you frankly your behaviour is positively inviting her contempt. She used you for an ego stroke and then dismissed you when you irritated her. You don't mean anything to her and she doesn't 'feel alone' -believe me she probably has others lined up and sees you just as the sucker who can always be relied on to faithfully worship her while she doles you out a kick or a kiss depending on her mood.

STOP SUBJUGATING YOURSELF.

You are figuratively rolling in the mud before her like Baldrick, practically thanking her for her contempt.

OP99 wrote: »

anyway it wasn;t an apology but rather a thank you and said that she was in a bad place at the moment, so look after myself, and goodbye.

:rolleyes: She's in a bad place .....oh FFS !!! It doesn't matter what place she's in, she had no right messing you around just to stroke her own ego.

Stop going back for scraps. Im sorry you are not a good judge of character. Something you need to learn is you deserve to be treated with respect by people, whether they are in a bad place or not.

Until you do learn that you are going to be treated like dirt by types like this.