should i be friends with this person?

can i be frank

i split up with my ex not too long ago we got on well and i thought the reason for the split was just that the relationship had fizzled out, however i recently learned that the break up was over something different, the way i learned this wasn't pleasant to be honest.

i got on well with this person and we both agreed to be friends down the line however after learning that the break up was over something different and hearing lots of little details of which i was unaware im really starting to see this person in a different light, im thinking why couldnt they have told me the real reason for breaking up and i would have been ok with it rather than lie to me and have me hear about it somewhere else, should i even bother being friends with this person or tell them i heard the truth and that im angry and disapointed, at the moment i cant even see myself looking this person in the face!

LegacyUser

would you really want to? he/she lied to you , if a friend lied to me about something serious theyd be gone, also try give more details

hollis12

more details please! what was the real reason for the break up are you man or woman?

OS119

OP, even when we break up with people we sometimes try to protect their feelings - its a bad enough thing as it is, there's often little need to give the whole unvarnished truth.

you were reasonably ok with the idea that the relationship had fizzled out - would you really have wanted to know that your ex found you repellent, that their skin crawled just with you touching them or they woke up one day and found they had been in a relationship with the worlds most tedious, annoying, boring person? no, probably not.

you say you have no respect for them because they lied to you about the precise details of the end of the relationship - would you have respect for someone claimed that they had loved you once but who went to no effort whatsoever to spare your feelings and who couldn't be bothered to make a shitty thing marginally less shitty than it could otherwise of been? no, probably not.

its sad that you found out, sadder that you found out from a 3rd party, but you don't know how this person knew (or even that its the truth) or whether your ex wanted you to find out - they may well not have, and this is a betrayal of their confidence.

pedanticly of course, the moment they became your ex they didn't owe you a thing, so they had no duty to be honest with you...

Raekwon

hollis12 wrote: »

more details please! what was the real reason for the break up are you man or woman?

What difference does it make in regards to OP's gender? They are looking for an unbiased opinion about their situation and I actually commend them for not revealing if they are male or female. They will get much more balanced observations that way. Agree?

can i be frank

OS119 wrote: »

OP, even when we break up with people we sometimes try to protect their feelings - its a bad enough thing as it is, there's often little need to give the whole unvarnished truth.

you were reasonably ok with the idea that the relationship had fizzled out - would you really have wanted to know that your ex found you repellent, that their skin crawled just with you touching them or they woke up one day and found they had been in a relationship with the worlds most tedious, annoying, boring person? no, probably not.

you say you have no respect for them because they lied to you about the precise details of the end of the relationship - would you have respect for someone claimed that they had loved you once but who went to no effort whatsoever to spare your feelings and who couldn't be bothered to make a shitty thing marginally less shitty than it could otherwise of been? no, probably not.

its sad that you found out, sadder that you found out from a 3rd party, but you don't know how this person knew (or even that its the truth) or whether your ex wanted you to find out - they may well not have, and this is a betrayal of their confidence.

pedanticly of course, the moment they became your ex they didn't owe you a thing, so they had no duty to be honest with you...

well it really depends on the reason doesnt it, my father died recently and i was going through a hard time about it, and i admit i was a dick and drank too much sometimes because of that, but before people leap in i know it was the wrong way of dealing with things but i was close to my father i took it hard, and hit the bottle my other half said she understood and would be there for me.

i did drink too much in front of our friends while they were at our house, i have recently stopped id say it was bad for 3 weeks not drinking everyday but when i did id want to get locked and would. if i could change this i would but i cant

anyway i find out this was the reason my oh broke up with me because for about 3 times i got to drunk, it really hurts they knew i was going through a hard time , i can understand dumping you oh over a drinking problem but i thought that she could have talked to me about it first it, and now this person wants to be friends. if they have no time for me when im at my lowest well they dont deserve the best of me i see it.

these 3 weeks were not who i was, i mean how can a person judge a person whos going through a hard time in their lives

Sephiroth_dude

Dont bother,being friends with an ex usually leads to trouble anyway,cut them out of your life and move on.

can i be frank

well shes calling tonight, so i want to know what to say, will i say that i heard the real reason we broke up, im not exactly angry as i was a mess after my dads death and that can be hard to be around however i would like to ask "why did you even talk to me about it"

daisybelle2008

can i be frank wrote: »

well shes calling tonight, so i want to know what to say, will i say that i heard the real reason we broke up, im not exactly angry as i was a mess after my dads death and that can be hard to be around however i would like to ask "why did you even talk to me about it"

You have not heard her side so definitely talk to her. But be open minded and listen. There may have been a number of reasons why she did not go into the details with you (people who are drinking heavily are usually in denial). Your relationship fizzling out could have been caused by your drinking or grief but for her it was fizzling out, maybe because she was not a priority for you. So therefore her reason was valid. The fact she still wants to be friends means she thinks well of you.
You also seem to have got hold of the specific reason for her breaking up with you being that you got drunk 3 times. For 2nd hand info that seems a bit strange to me. Let her tell you herself and be prepared to accept some home truths you might not like and don't be defensive.

can i be frank

well its true i was in the place were i work and sitting at our mutual friends computer, trying to fix it and i accidentally saw a email from her, which her freind left on the screen so i saw everything in gory detail, so she left over the drinking which i didnt do from the start.

i am not in deniel about my drinking i went through a bad time and drank too much thats it, im even the designated driver tonight and i dont mind.

i really dont care what she thinks of me anymore, im just deciding wheter i want to be freinds and wondering will i tell her i know the truth abnout the break up

LegacyUser

personally, id like things out in the open, u cant have a friendship if there are things bugging u from the back of your mind... id say it to her and be open to her response...remember it was probably hard for her too at the time...

i no u were going thru a rough time so she maybe should have understood more and 3weeks drinking and feeling down about the death of a loved one isnt the worst case scenario in my opinion. it wud take a lot longer for me to get over it so i think ur maybe being a little hard on urself there mate...

i think u deserve an explanation, holding these things will only make it impossible to move on!!!
good luck!!!

Balmed Out

Just because shes giving that as a reason to others does'nt make it her actual reason.
At the end of the day ye seem to be part of one larger social group. As the dumpee sympathies and loyalties would naturally lean to your side. Giving a drink problem as a reason would reverse that. The fact that others have seen this would give it some merit despite the extenuating circumstances. You mention that your beginning to see her in a different light, would she do this in order to do her best to mantain her own friendships.

Would it be safe to assume that your mutual friend left the computer screen on with the email for you to find?

Would it be logical therefor that mutual friend thinks u ought to know what shes telling others?
Would mutual friend be doing so a) they think your reputation is being damaged, b) they think ex is a b**ch and u deserve to know? c) would like ye to get back together and hoping it'll help.

I may be way off on every point but theres my two cents anyhow.

can i be frank

well i got a missed call from her last night, i didnt want to answer it, on one hand i feel embarrassed for my drinking but on the other hand i dont think my ex was very understanding, like i was going through a tough time and she ditched me.

its not like i hate her just i feel bad about drinking and i lost a lot of respect for her that she couldnt tell me the real reason, its a bit cowardly tbh and its really put her in a different light.

yes my friends do think shes a bitch for leaving me when i needed her most im ok with that side of things as i can do withhout people like that but im of 2 minds about telling her to f off.

hollis12

do you have to see her everyday, that dies seem quite bad to break up with you over that but on the bright side if she leaves every guy who goes through a hard time you can bet her relationships prospects wont be the best.

can i be frank

OS119 wrote: »

OP, even when we break up with people we sometimes try to protect their feelings - its a bad enough thing as it is, there's often little need to give the whole unvarnished truth.

you were reasonably ok with the idea that the relationship had fizzled out - would you really have wanted to know that your ex found you repellent, that their skin crawled just with you touching them or they woke up one day and found they had been in a relationship with the worlds most tedious, annoying, boring person? no, probably not.

you say you have no respect for them because they lied to you about the precise details of the end of the relationship - would you have respect for someone claimed that they had loved you once but who went to no effort whatsoever to spare your feelings and who couldn't be bothered to make a shitty thing marginally less shitty than it could otherwise of been? no, probably not.

its sad that you found out, sadder that you found out from a 3rd party, but you don't know how this person knew (or even that its the truth) or whether your ex wanted you to find out - they may well not have, and this is a betrayal of their confidence.

pedanticly of course, the moment they became your ex they didn't owe you a thing, so they had no duty to be honest with you...

em i think your reading the wrong thread , no i wouldn't want to hear every gruesome detail, who would but i have issue for the reason of the break up, i think it was quite cowardly and a "when the **** hits the fan" run sort of reaction, things got tough she bailed.

i think she should have said that my behavior was upsetting her were both 35 and i think this really could have been handled more maturely. what gets me is that she went to his funeral and there was no hint of what was to come from her, she seemed happy.

you say a ex owes me nothing , well that sort of the point i dont owe her friendship because shes a ex but i dont want to be childish. i was simply asking the opinions of people here.

can i be frank

no hollis i wouldnt see her every day far from it, but if i ever see her out in my area chances are im going to be telling her exactly what i think of her. im hearing more about it everyday and its really painting a bad piture of her!

can i be frank

OS119 wrote: »

OP, even when we break up with people we sometimes try to protect their feelings - its a bad enough thing as it is, there's often little need to give the whole unvarnished truth.

you were reasonably ok with the idea that the relationship had fizzled out - would you really have wanted to know that your ex found you repellent, that their skin crawled just with you touching them or they woke up one day and found they had been in a relationship with the worlds most tedious, annoying, boring person? no, probably not.

you say you have no respect for them because they lied to you about the precise details of the end of the relationship - would you have respect for someone claimed that they had loved you once but who went to no effort whatsoever to spare your feelings and who couldn't be bothered to make a shitty thing marginally less shitty than it could otherwise of been? no, probably not.

its sad that you found out, sadder that you found out from a 3rd party, but you don't know how this person knew (or even that its the truth) or whether your ex wanted you to find out - they may well not have, and this is a betrayal of their confidence.

pedanticly of course, the moment they became your ex they didn't owe you a thing, so they had no duty to be honest with you...

by the way i didnt mean to say it fizzled out she said she was fizzled out as in worn out with the relationship and her job as a nurse

Moomoo1

hmm... just tell her that you feel very hurt that she wouldn't tell you the real reason? That's all.