Getting My Groove Back!!!

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I am in a bit of a horrible place at the moment and I have become a shadow of my former self. I was in a relationship for the past 2 years with a guy who was basically cheating on me pretty much the whole time through internet flirting sites - needless to say i didn't know it.

I'm 37 - so is he - so this relationship was what appeared to be a very significant relationship, at this stage of our lives where we were both on the road to settling down together. Indeed he had said all along that we would marry and have children and we were living together.

Anyway, without going into the history of it a lot has been said and done. Besides the chatting online - I found conversations with over 700 women - he also had brought one woman into his house and into our bed. He doesn't deserve credit for this, but at least he had enough guilt not to sleep with me after he slept with her. I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies, but here is the problem. When we first stopped sleeping together and I brought it up he had a lot of excuses which i suppose i bought. But after finding out about this girl he then told me that he 'Didn't fancy me enough to sleep with' or 'didnt find me attractive enough'. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am nothing special but that is hard to take. Without sounding full of it I have been told I am attractive in the past by a couple of different people and I used to think I was 'ok' looking, I dont want to appear big headed by saying that cause I am far from it, I am so insecure about myself now it is beyond belief. He is now with someone else, who I have heard is not pretty and is overweight (not taking from the girl here at all I am not one to judge on this) but I find it hard to get over that he said this to me and can now get turned on by this girl.

He told me today that he is happy and he has deep feelings for this girl - he met her two months ago.

I have lost all my sparkle and joie de vie because of this. It has led to panic attacks and days where I have cried the whole day through. I felt that I got into a relationship with him with nothing to loose, but have come out the other end stripped of everything I had. I feel completely deflated by this guy. I also feel my chance to have children has been ripped from under me. I want to stop dwelling on what happened and what could have been and move on and get my groove back. A lot of my friends have moved on in the two years and so my social life isn't as regular as I would like, and I am not working so no option for socialing through work, but I am working on building up a social circle again. Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to get back to being myself?? And why oh why in all of this does he get to move on straight away to someone he cares deeply about - I should be having all that not him :-)

I hope this doesnt sound like me feeling sorry for myself.... i've done enough of that. Time to move on now.

G-Money

Sorry to hear about what's happened.

I know how you feel when you mention how unfair it is that he gets to move on straight away with someone else and you don't. It always seems to be the way. The person who initiates the break always seems to end up with someone else with a month. That's my theory anyway.

I guess I'd suggest putting the children thing out of your mind for a while. I don't mean forever, but at least for a few months while you get your head straight. I know these things are sometimes more pressing for a woman than they are for a man, but don't let that be your overriding worry.

I guess I'd suggest going out a bit more. Your friends might be settled down but that doesn't mean they're allergic to the inside of a bar A mate of mine is married and he's always raring to go out on the rampage. But he seems to be a hard time from his mrs if he wants to go out, but that's another discussion altogether.

Just try to focus on some stuff that will make you happy at the moment. Maybe that's a holiday, or buying some item of clothing or something that you've had your eye on. What about getting your hair done or something else girly? Jeez, I'm starting to sound like a woman!

What he did was awful but as I read online, the best revenge is to live well. He's not your problem anymore, he's someone elses. Try not to focus on what was taken, think of it as a burden you've got rid of and no longer have to worry about.

Hope this helps and if you are still stuck, I might be willing to buy you a drink

Good luck.

martdalto

LuucyLu, I hope I don't offend you but HE sounds very very immature. I know from another post that you moved in with him almost immediately, and now that you nad him are finished, he has moved in with someone else, again, immediately.

He sounds very insecure, and "needs" to be with someone.. anyone. And because he himself feels so insecure he feels the need to justify himself to others.. hence "he has deep feelings for her" etc

Chatting to over 700 women on line in the time you were together is not normal behaviour. Nor was he doing it because he didn't feel like he was getting enough from you. He is not going to stop that behaviour, and his "deep feelings" for this girl might only last a year or so, until he moves on again.

I think you need to dust yourself off, realise that you have wasted a bit of time on someone who clearly didn't deserve you, or was worthy of your love, and then as the previous poster said "live well".

You deserve better, and you will find better.

Good Luck

Katgurl

Men like him are total scum but don't beat yourself up for not realising, he deceived you and you probably measured him by your own decent standards.

If you're feeling blue about him being with the other girl, bear in mind that people generallhy don't change and he'll have the same non-committal approach to that relationship. also don't torture yourself by thinking that he thinks she is better. more likely, he finds her easier to be with because he hasn't been caught out with her and she still thinks highly of him. Despite the bastard he clearly is, he probably can't bear to be perceived as one. And to his new girl, he isn't (yet).

Get out with your friends and if they aren't available for whatever reason make some new ones. Its not as daunting as it sounds.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

While being rejected is a bitter pill to swallow OP, I think what has happened warrants celebration on your part. You have had a very very lucky escape.

Imagine if you had got pregnant by this guy, he would have cheated and left you anyway, and you'd be left literally holding the baby and this would be even harder to deal with. By doing this he has now left the way open for you to meet someone who will love you and who deserves you.

When I say he would cheat on you and leave you anyway it's because that is just the type of guy he is. It is NO reflection on you whatsoever. Not on your looks. Or on your personality. Or on any single aspect of who you are as a human being. Being a ba$tard and treating people with no respect is what he does. He will do it to this new girl too.

While you may feel a little bit of what makes you you has gone, it hasn't. It may have taken a little sabbatical for now. Take time to heal, talk to your friends about this and lean on them for support and KEEP BUSY. If you're not working then you should think about volunteering or joining a group to keep you occupied.

It may not seem like it now but over the next few months you will realise how lucky you are not to have him in your life anymore. Chin up.

Oh The Humanity

Don't take his words personally, if you need evidence look at the facts he is now with someone who is as you said in yoru own words 'not pretty and overweight' -he says he is happy and has deep feelings for this girl, but thats only because its in the first 2 months and she is a novelty. and because he is a deeply flawed person.

Someone who has felt the need to contact with and converse with 700 girls over 2 years is (sorry about this as I know your loved him) laughably pathetic. It shows the guys ego is so transient and dependant on the endorsement of these imaginary personas he meets online that he really is a very poorly developed person underneath it all.

I mean half of these supposedly busty blondes are probably hairy builders. Point is he is living in a fantasy world. He said to you he was no longer attracted to you ha! You don't say but I'd bet he is nothing more than average himself.

It is a source of never ending amusement to me how many average middle aged men cannot truly appraise themselves honestly in the mirror, the same way a woman looks in the mirror and automatically downgrades herself it would seem some men looking like George Kastanza look in the mirror and see Oliver Martinez.....He's deluded if he thinks 700 women were panting for him. Alright he has your one but how long will that last until he is doing the same thing again.

See him for what he is. A pathetic deluded eejit with 'the grass is always greener' syndrome. What he has done makes no sense but you should be glad he did it. You are now free of him.

I understand where you are coming from when you say this has injured your self confidence beyond belief. I really do believe me. It won't be built back up again overnight. It will take time and work. I know you are sad and hurting and I feel for you but I'm glad you are free of this gauche moron.

There is still time to have kids, look at Kate Garroway etc Continue your good work filling up your social life with anything you can. Stay open to everything new even things you would not have considered before. stop talking to [EMAIL="tw@tbrains"]tw@tbrains[/EMAIL] any more.

You may or may not have children. Those are two paths, I left someone in my 30's in the knowledge that doing so meant in all liklihood I would not have time left to have them. But life is so good now that I am happy with that. Sometimes Im sad but look at the positives, the freedom you have when your friends are very tied down.

Don't be afraid. Good things will come out of this. Fill your life with new, positive stuff. Sweep out this loser and banish his critical voice from your mind. What he said does not define you. I know this all sounds corny but its true.

Wibbs

Katgurl wrote: »

If you're feeling blue about him being with the other girl, bear in mind that people generallhy don't change and he'll have the same non-committal approach to that relationship.

+1. Bullet dodged. If I think back on all the various people, men and women, I've known in my life, I can number on the fingers of one hand that's had an accident with a blender the rare ones that have actually changed in any fundamental way. Both in healthy and unhealthy ways. People can change, but they need to know what to change and then actively work on that change. It's bloody hard to do. Very hence it's rare. At 37? Even rarer. Unhealthy relationships types tend to just move on to the next until they end up with some unfortunate. May sound cynical but it has been my experience anyway. As I said, bullet dodged.

LegacyUser

Thanks to all of you for the messages and advice. It was just what I needed and today I feel much much better about the situation. I have only talked to one person I know about the situation as to be honest I am embarassed to admit that he was doing all that behind my back and I didn't know about it. I really want to sincerley thank you all here for the advice as I feel a cloud has been lifted.

A lot of what has been said here rings through - Katgurl it is exactly as you said ''more likely, he finds her easier to be with because he hasn't been caught out with her and she still thinks highly of him. Despite the bastard he clearly is, he probably can't bear to be perceived as one. And to his new girl, he isn't (yet).''. He did actually say that to me when we first broke up, he said he couldnt bear to see me as it reminded of him of all the hurt he caused and a constant reminder of how ****ed up he is. He said we would never be together because of that. He has a very addictive personality, gambling, online flirting, drinking,..... and now I have just realised that being in a relationship is another. I had never looked at it that way before.

Anyway I have decided to do something nice for myself and have found a bargain weekend away so I am heading off today for a few days and hopefully this is the start of me getting back to being me!!! Thanks again - and any other advice appreciated to keep me on the road to getting back to me.

martdalto

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

He's deluded if he thinks 700 women were panting for him. Alright he has your one but how long will that last until he is doing the same thing again.

I'd go so far as to say that he hasn't stopped, and regardless of his "deep feelings" for this new girl, he is still on his sites, massaging his ego (and whatever else he massages while he's there!)

LuucyLu, you summed it up about his addictions, and being in a relationship is just another one of those. Nothing you can do about that, not your fault.

To be honest, I feel sorry for his new girlfriend.

Enjoy your weekend.