confused!!!

LegacyUser

going out with a girl who i adore to bits and will always be there for....

one problem!!!! i dont know if she uses me as a safety net, i.e--- cos il do anything for her and am very good to her and think she knows will always be there for her regardless of circumstance.... or if she genuinely loves me and there are obstacles( i know she has problems with having to rely on anyone and truely trust anyone, affection and general relationship fears due to a history of family problems i wont go into) very independent, almost stubbornly so and im the only long term relationship of worth shes had....

i think i do mean a lot to her but i guess what im wondering is am i right to be there for her and stick by her in the hope that it'll work out for us....

she gets down and acts on impulse when it comes to breaking up and goes with it but soon comes back with her tail between her legs...or that i shud wake up and realise its going nowhere... that the issues are excuses for her lack of respect and feeling for me??? i generally give her the benefit of the doubt but friends the dont no the ins and outs think im just being made a fool of...

dudara

OP - some capital letters, paragraphs and overall punctuation would really help your post. When people can read a post easily, they will be more inclined to respond.

I've edited in some paragraphs

dudara

Wibbs

need clarity wrote: »

going out with a girl who i adore to bits and will always be there for....

one problem!!!! i dont know if she uses me as a safety net, i.e--- cos il do anything for her and am very good to her and think she knows will always be there for her regardless of circumstance

Shoot me down in flames, but don't always be there for her. IMHO that's a bad plan or more to the point usually a euphemism for "I do everything for her and let her do anything to me". Sure way of getting someone to take you for granted. Even the best of us will sometimes take advantage of a sure thing. Again IMHO the best relationships the people know the other person has their backs, but also know that the other person will know when to leave well alone.

If she's one of these people who always has some issue going on and you always jump in to support her then nothing will change. That is until she bumps into a guy who will have a better balance of attention and letting her be emotionally independent. Defo don't be there for her regardless of circumstances. That may well be pushed. I've seen men and women take utter BS because they thought loving someone meant anything went(in a few case even where cheating was involved). Again bad plan and yes I think they lose respect for you.

You say she goes off on one and breaks up with you only to come back? Well you're effectively telling her you'll always be there, always take her moods and always take her back. Baaaad plan. Every tme you do that a little of her respect for you goes. Basically because any man with soelf respect may let that happen once, but no more than that. Because any man with self respect knows he has options and knows other women are not that flaky so is much less fearful of the loss of someone who wrecks his head(same for women).

If I were you? Next time she blew the lid, I'd say fine, I think you're right. Let's split. Sorry it's come to this but no more. I wish you the best.

That's just me now.

jellyboy

Hi op

there isnt a txt book romance,people are reaching for their view on how they would be react if they were you...

you make a realship what it is...the postive is that you see that she has different issuses and you have decided not to add to them by running away and reinforcing the negative views she might hold on trust etc etc...

being open to what friends/posters/people projecting their views might mean what you want gets lost...



be upfront with her,sit and talk your heart out....

Wibbs

jellyboy wrote: »

you make a realship what it is...the postive is that you see that she has different issuses and you have decided not to add to them by running away and reinforcing the negative views she might hold on trust etc etc...

I agree, but she keeps running away and he doesn't know where he stands. I also agree that he should talk to her. Communication and support is very important, but he shouldn't have to be her therapist either. That in my experience rarely ends well.

Oh The Humanity

Listen, serious family issues will affect a persons relationships BUT it is not a catch all excuse to be treating you like sh1t. Which she is, breaking up with you and then coming back with her tail between her legs.

The 'in's and out's' don't matter, everyone in this life has crosses to bear, big and small. Thats the average, everyday state of play. It doesn't give us licence to treat those around us as 'less than'

From the small amount you've written here, you'er in the classic young guy (I think you are a guy?) trap of hero worshipping your girlfriend and treating her like a Goddess and she's fallen into the trap of letting you and taking you waaaay for granted.

LegacyUser

im the original poster...thanks for all your views and responses!

i sat down and talked to her and let her no how im feeling about the situation. i found that she didnt realise how badly affected i was by the way shes been treating me but at the same time i got the impression she doesnt really want to try and sort through things, almost as if her mind is made up again on things.

i told her that i cant really go on giving so much and pretending that things are ok when they obviously are not, she agreed that i deserve way better and that she doesnt no why when we are not together she misses me, wants me back and when together things just go south for her!!!

she wanted us to talk to someone to see their opinion as to whether we can be fixed or should just take a clean break, i was initially up for this plan but after thinking about it i realised that if her heart isnt really in it and shes just looking for someone to make the decison for her.

she's said very little and i basically said at this stage after so long together it boils down to whether she loves me or not and if she does then everything else can be worked on and fixed!!! she obviously doesnt think she does in my mind, she finds it easier back out of the relationship everytime than to tell me or show me she loves me.. it says it all!!!

i said then that i had to move out, took all my stuff and left, its all happened pretty quick and i feel awful but know i gotta do it... i can see from her actions at the time and since, she's happier out of it and probably feels relieved im gone. hard to take!!!

LegacyUser

need clarity wrote: »

i said then that i had to move out, took all my stuff and left, its all happened pretty quick and i feel awful but know i gotta do it... i can see from her actions at the time and since, she's happier out of it and probably feels relieved im gone. hard to take!!!

The right move, you put yourself first, which is fine to do in a relationship, especially if you have been putting her first for so long.
IF she comes back looking to make up, (she might as you seem more desirable as you walked on her) fob her off, don't talk about how much you love her and you don't think she loves you.
Tell her you need space and say she can call you in a month.
Then get busy living your life, she either call you or doesn't.
If she does, after a month you should know what you want to do, be better able to judge the situation.
If she doesn't you've lost nothing from where you are now.

LegacyUser

i only think she'll come back as its whats happened in the past a few times..... half of me wants her to come back but the other half doesnt as i know deep down how it always works out, not good!!!

been talking to a mutual friend and from what she said my ex seems to be saying that she has to let me go for good due to the way she's treated me and that i deserve someone that can make me happy. that it just didnt feel right with me and that didnt see us together long term....

she cud never say that to my face and probably is her honest feelings on us.... it hurts but at least i know!!! although iv heard it all before and she still came back i think i have to take the last posters advice and be strong for myself!!!

there is another issue..... her son, he is 5 and calls me dad!!im all he has known... iv been there since early on in her pregnancy,(it was a difficult situation with a guy she hardly knew and he has wanted nothing to do with his son)right through til today, i was there at his birth and have this close bond with him that is probably harder leave behind than her!

i understand me seeing her son only brings us closer together and ultimately more confusing and unfair on "my son"...is it too late to step out of his life??? i dont want to abandon him like his "real" dad(iv been more of a dad than he ever will-although i no my son isnt aware of the real situation yet!)

our history is, together in school, together in college, broke up went seperate ways workin etc, she came back home cos of pregnancy which i took on as my own without question and since then we've been on and off...roughy 9 years in total...

ita such a difficult and unique situation!!!

can i be frank

need clarity wrote: »

going out with a girl who i adore to bits and will always be there for....

one problem!!!! i dont know if she uses me as a safety net, i.e--- cos il do anything for her and am very good to her and think she knows will always be there for her regardless of circumstance.... or if she genuinely loves me and there are obstacles( i know she has problems with having to rely on anyone and truely trust anyone, affection and general relationship fears due to a history of family problems i wont go into) very independent, almost stubbornly so and im the only long term relationship of worth shes had....

i think i do mean a lot to her but i guess what im wondering is am i right to be there for her and stick by her in the hope that it'll work out for us....

she gets down and acts on impulse when it comes to breaking up and goes with it but soon comes back with her tail between her legs...or that i shud wake up and realise its going nowhere... that the issues are excuses for her lack of respect and feeling for me??? i generally give her the benefit of the doubt but friends the dont no the ins and outs think im just being made a fool of...

with all dues respect man her issues don't give her the right to keep dumping you, the ins and outs usually are inconsequential and i find that friends are usually bang on the mark

Bringthethunder

Sounds like she is using you. In general girls dont like been treated well they get bored easily. Trying acting like a pr**k. Stand her up, dont text back etc. soon she will love you more than a new pair of shoes....:)