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Don't want to be single anymore

  • 08-10-2009 3:10pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I came out of a long term relationship 18 months ago. It was a very ugly split as there was someone else involved on his side along with issues about our child and jointly owned property.

    Anyway, for a while I was in the "once bitten, twice shy" frame of mind. I focussed totally on myself and my child. I moved out and basically rebuilt my life. I had moved to be with this man, so that rebuilding included making new friends, trying to get some sort of social scene going. And I did that with success.

    And now my life is better, I am happy again. But in the evenings, when my child is in bed and I am alone, I really miss being in a partnership. My close friends are all in relationships and while I am happy that they are happy, I do look at them and feel there is something, or someone, missing.

    But I can't seem to take that plunge. I have met many men and I seem to sabotage any potential that is there. I say stupid things, I hop into bed with them too easily, I chase them too much or not enough. I honestly don't do it on purpose but I have been examining my relationships and I'm the common denominator.

    I panic when faced with something real, even though I want to be in a relationship. I'm terrified of being let down so badly again and I don't know if I can put myself through it again. I am so pleased and proud of how I managed this separation. I have surprised even myself by how strong I have been and part of me keeps waiting to fall apart, convinced that I should have. So I am afraid that if I have to do this again that I won't cope. That I will fall assunder and just not be able to function with the pain.
    My split was pain, layered upon pain upon pain. I have had bad relationships with my parents and in my youth and now this one. I feel like one more scar and I'll be done for. That I will simply crumble with all the damage that has been done.

    Sorry for the essay. I just needed to get it out.


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there,

    I am sorry to hear about all the trauma you have gone though. And I hear exactly what you are saying about wanting a partnership.

    I have no advice for you unfortunately as I feel I do exactly the same thing myself. But I do just qustion how is it that men seem to fall into the next relationship so easily. I have the same thing happening to me also, and just 10 minutes ago on the phone he told me that he is madly in live with this new girl. Life is not fair.


  • #3
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Luucylu wrote: »
    I have the same thing happening to me also, and just 10 minutes ago on the phone he told me that he is madly in live with this new girl. Life is not fair.
    Maybe, but you're making it harder. 10 mins ago? You were talking to this ex? Please for your sake scrap him off completely. Plus few enough men would be that happy with an ex looming in their girlfriends thoughts like that, so it may hurt you there too.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks Wibbs for the advice. It wasn't my intention to hijack the thread but thanks for the advice all the same.

    I am trying to cut contact. Need to get my stuff back from him which was why we were in contact today but after that I am going to kick some sense into myself and cease contact. Keeping my fingers crossed that I can be strong enough to do so.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here. Lucy, you have got to cut contact. As hard as it is to move on, it's a million times harder when the ex is ever present.
    Let him frig off and talk to his new woman about how happy he is now and how in love he is. I've been down that road and it's nothing but torture and pain. Don't do it to yourself.

    I don't speak to my ex at all. We SMS about the child but we have a set arrangment in place and we only need to SMS in the event that there is a change of plan. All talks about the property are via solicitors. It is a pity we can't be civil but I listened to enough of his crap in the months post breakup. Nearly drove myself mad so I cut contact over a year ago and it's gotten steadily easier over time.

    Now I just need a man who is patient and understanding and doesn't mind that I'm a basketcase with a plane load of baggage....Coo-eeee, where aaaare you???


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